The Seduction of Severus Snape
by Marie Goos
Summary: It's the year after Harry Potter has defeated Voldemort and left Hogwarts... The current seventh years need something to lighten the mood. A Ravenclaw accepts a challenge, proposed by Ginny and Luna: pretend to be in love with Severus Snape.
1. The Die is Cast

I don't know why, but I've recently had a bout story madness... I've started five new stories so far, and I finally finished chapter one of this one, so up it goes! This was kind of inspired by a couple of "annoying Snape" fanfics I read over the summer... But, you know... I can't seem to write a story without it involving some twisted form of romance, hence this abomination... Which, surprisingly enough, I've put a lot of thought into. Anyway, I hope it's at least a little enjoyable, and I also hope that I don't have as much trouble with chapter two... Evil, evil chapters... :P Alright, so onward to the story.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter = Not Mine  
  
The Seduction of Severus Snape By Marie Goos  
  
Chapter 1: The Die is Cast  
  
This Journal is Property of: Nadia Josephyne Page  
  
September 1, 1998  
  
Finally, made it to seventh year. It isn't easy being a Ravenclaw, you know... Despite what the members of the other houses think, Ravenclaws have it tough. We have to live up to the expectations others have for us; must get high grades. GASP! I've only gotten an acceptable on my charms essay! I MUST KILL MYSELF! Hm. Sorry... Just a little introduction. Speaking of introductions, let me just mention that I'm average height, with dark brown hair (on the longish side) and dark green eyes. Like... Forest green, I guess. No dice? Just thought you might want to... Dunno... Imagine me better...? Ahem. Anyway...  
  
Well, I usually never write in journals, but I need to use this as an account for the difficult task I have ahead of me. Allow me to explain.  
  
Ever since Harry Potter's defeat of You-Know-Who last year, things have been a little... Sober. This fact came up in the conversation between a few of us gals on the train ride to Hogwarts to start the new term. So, of course, I suggested that we find a way to liven things up- you know, cut loose for our last year of school. Now, before I go any further, there's something I should make clear- I am the only non-Slytherin student in school who does not hate Professor Snape. In fact, I have a bit of a crush on him. Strange, yes, I know... But it turned out to be quite useful for this plan of ours, since I'm the only one who can bear to carry it out.  
  
You see, I was talking with Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasley, and we've all agreed that we needed to do something to spice up our seventh year. It was my idea to do something to involve Professor Snape. "Because you fancy him," Ginny muttered, wrinkling her nose in the process. Hey- it's only a little. It isn't like I'm head over heels for the guy... Which I pointed out quite vehemently.  
  
"I wonder what it would be like if someone was in love with him..." Luna said in her airy voice, gazing out the window. There was a deafening silence, and I knew what would come next.  
  
"You already fancy him a bit, you know..." Ginny said thoughtfully. "It would be quite funny if you pretended you were madly in love with him!"  
  
"I'd rather not," I answered, thinking of the many ways I would be tortured and killed.  
  
"I dare you! We can make up a bunch of tasks- a list of steps, sort of. Like writing love letters and such! And you have to make sure that he knows you love him... Or thinks you do, rather."  
  
"The whole school would know..." Luna sighed.  
  
"Yes! The whole school. And you have to pull off every task we give you by the end of the year, and... and..." She screwed up her eyebrows, thinking.  
  
"Kiss him." I could kill you, Luna.  
  
"Yes! By the last day of lessons, you have to get him to kiss you. Voluntarily." I stared at her, then at Luna, then back to her.  
  
"You're kidding me, right?" She shook her head. "And what do I get out of it?"  
  
"Ten galleons, twelve sickles, and twenty-one knuts," Luna replied, finally looking at me with those big eyes of hers.  
  
"It's not nearly enough."  
  
"The satisfaction of knowing you did something worthwhile and hilarious in your last year at Hogwarts," Ginny added. "You'll be a legend!" Well, I have to admit, it did sound rather appealing... And if I succeeded, I would get a kiss from Severus Snape, who I happen to find very attractive.  
  
"If you can pull it off," Luna added nonchalantly. That was the last straw; I won't let anyone think there's something I simply can't do.  
  
"Fine," I said, crossing my arms. "But I had better get every last knut you promised... When I pull it off." Ginny clapped her hands excitedly.  
  
"Great!" she exclaimed. "This will be hilarious!" Well, I couldn't help but agree. However, something needed to be addressed...  
  
"When and what is my first... er... 'task?'" I asked. I was apprehensive, but it turned out not to be that bad.  
  
"Love letters." Task one was contributed by Luna. "Anonymous ones. Don't let the secret out too soon." Definitely a good idea.  
  
"Write the first one tonight," Ginny added. "Say that you couldn't stand to spend the summer holidays apart from him." She grinned wickedly, while Luna smiled with an almost oblivious look on her face.  
  
So, of course, I drew inspiration from the way he looked at the start of term banquet; miserable. I decided to try and write something eloquent and romantic, but also painful; the pain of unrequited love. Also, it had to be full of passion, and it had to be something that he wouldn't immediately dismiss. This is what I produced:  
  
"Dearest Severus,  
I cannot begin to express the feelings I have stirring inside me upon this miserable bit of parchment. At first I was unsure of what these strange emotions were; I could not put a name to this wonderful burning, this fire within the depths of my soul. However, I soon realized what had been giving me so many restless nights. Severus Snape, it appears as though I am in love with you. I am madly in love with you. Every moment of my life, my mind is consumed by thoughts of you. Your low, silky voice invades my every being, like poison seeping into my veins; but oh, how I want to be poisoned! Every time I look into your beautiful, dark, piercing eyes I feel as if I have died and been born anew.  
  
The memories of your soft, dangerous touch were all that sustained me through the summer. Every day I felt an aching in my body, a piece missing, because I could not be with you. Each night I was haunted by dreams of your graceful hands upon my skin, and your hot breath cascading over my neck, only to awaken to an empty bed, to be left hungry for your touch.  
  
To be near you again is to have life breathed back into my body. Alas, I know that you would never- could never- even want me, let alone love me. My desire is left unfulfilled, and though I know our fates are not entwined, I could not keep my love a secret any longer. I need you to know how empty my life would be without you. It is my deepest regret that I am too cowardly to reveal my true identity to you just yet; not to worry. I will make myself known to you, eventually. Perhaps, somehow, you could learn to stand my presence, and I could know the joy of your company.  
I love you forever,  
So please forgive me  
  
Of course, I knew that when he received the letter, Snape would compare it to every sample of handwriting he could find, so I had to disguise mine. With a simple charm, I changed it from my normal rounded, messy scrawl to an elegant, flowing style, with elongated stems on the letters... It looked quite nice, and very natural. Of course, another, more complicated charm had to be cast so that he couldn't use any spells to reveal the fact that the handwriting was disguised.  
  
When I showed it to Luna, she nodded slowly, looking it over. "It's good," she said simply, handing it back and returning to her usual light slumber. I decided to copy it so I could show the copy to Ginny the next morning, though not at breakfast, since that is when I'm planning on having it delivered to him. I'll get up early, and give it to Luna's owl, which is, surprisingly enough, a very nondescript brown barn owl. In the meantime, all I have to do is place a few untraceable charms on both copies of the letter, and then it'll be time for bed.  
  
September 2  
  
Well, I've done it. I got up early, and snuck up to the owlery, giving Luna's owl (Snork) the love letter and telling him to give it to Professor Snape at breakfast. Snork agreed rather willingly, so I made my way back to the dorm and got dressed and ready for the first day of classes. I was actually looking forward to seeing Snape's reaction to the letter, so I was fidgeting a lot while I waited for Luna to finish getting ready. Of course, when we finally got down to breakfast, there was the painful wait until the post came. At last, the owls began flying into the Great Hall, and I grinned at Luna, then glanced towards the Gryffindor table; Ginny was smiling widely and looking at the staff table from the corner of her eye.  
  
I looked up at the staff table to see Snape, looking rather surprised. Snork was picking at his breakfast, the letter still tied to his leg. Snape hesitated, then took the letter, looking it over carefully; it was as if he'd never gotten a letter before in his life. After taking a little bath in the professor's cereal, Snork flew away, spraying quite a few teachers with milk; well, what do you expect from Luna's owl? After that display, Snape dried himself off and slowly opened the envelope, sliding the letter out and reading it. His eyebrows immediately flew up, and he seemed to become more and more surprised by the second. I think he must have read it three times over before he finally put it down, looking like a deer in headlights. My mum's a muggle, by the way...  
  
Looking at the Gryffindor table, I saw Ginny covering her mouth, trying to suppress her laughter; it was kind of funny, seeing Professor Snape looking like that. I watched as the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, leaned over and said something to him. He sneered and stuffed the letter back in its envelope, his ears turning a bit red. This was too rich. "Do you see this?" I muttered to Luna, who nodded absently.  
  
"It's entertaining," she answered, returning to her breakfast. Yes, it certainly was.  
  
Upon receiving the course schedule for the year, I observed that our first class of the day was Arithmancy with the Gryffindors. It would be an excellent opportunity to show Ginny just what Professor Snape had gotten so flustered over.  
  
I entered the classroom and took a seat near the back, with Luna, unpacking my bag. When the Gryffindors started filtering in, I waved Ginny over; Colin Creevey was with her, so he joined us in the back, as well. "Hello, Nadia." He grinned stupidly at me, his eyes glazing over.  
  
"Hi, Colin," I replied dismissively, turning to Ginny, holding out the love letter. "Take a look at it!" I prompted. Unfortunately, class started then. However, it was quite lucky that we were given assignments to do in groups. Luna, Ginny, Colin and I worked together, rushing through our assignment. When we were finished, I finally had my chance to hand the letter over to Ginny. She eagerly snatched it from my hand and read it carefully, her eyes lighting up.  
  
"Oh!" she sighed. "It's so romantic! My God, it sounds like you really are in love with him!" She paused for a beat, then we all burst out laughing. All, of course, except Colin, who was looking both shocked and forlorn.  
  
"You're in love?" he asked me, sounding as if I'd just told him he had an hour to live.  
  
"No, of course not," I snapped, sounding a bit harsher than I'd meant to. "If you must know, we're just having a little fun with Professor Snape." Colin's face lit up.  
  
"You mean you're playing a joke on Snape?" Ginny grinned.  
  
"Shall we let him in on the operation?" she asked, sizing Colin up. Luna nodded, so we immediately launched into an explanation. When we were finished, he laughed until his face turned red, and by the time he had himself under control he was wiping tears from his eyes.  
  
"Anyone in love with Snape is simply hilarious, let alone you!" he exclaimed, sighing. "But, what is this whole thing called, exactly?"  
  
"The Triple S," Luna replied, as if we'd all figured it out by then. "Or the SSS, if you prefer." We all shot her inquisitive looks. "The Seduction of Severus Snape," she elaborated. Our laughter was so uproarious that Professor Vector had to personally come to the back of the class to get us to quiet down.  
  
After class, I personally burned the copy of the letter- wouldn't want anyone finding it in my possession, now, would I? Afterwards, I headed off to Herbology with the Slytherins. It went as it usually did- Luna and I grouped with a couple of Slytherins, we acted fairly civil, ended up arguing a bit, then parted with tight smiles. It had been a rather messy class, so I stopped off at the dorms to wash up and clean my prefect badge before running down to lunch. I eyed the wanton potions professor all throughout the meal, but it seemed as if the effects of my fake love letter had worn off. I sighed inwardly; oh, well... There were many more to be written, after all.  
  
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, but after lessons Ginny, Luna, and Colin gave me my next assignment, after reviewing their schedules. "The first potions class is at the end of the week," Luna stated as she read the latest edition of The Quibbler.  
  
"We'll have to give you a task for the lesson," Ginny said pensively. "But what?"  
  
"I have an idea," Colin cut in, a small smile playing at his lips. We looked at him expectantly, and were not disappointed. "Well, a lot of muggle media portrays a boy smelling a girl's hair, because he fancies her..." He trailed off for a bit, fighting down a giggle. I swear, he is the only member of the male species I have ever met who actually giggles. Anyway... Colin continued his explanation. "Why don't you smell Snape's hair? And not discreetly, either... Take a long, noisy whiff, and then sigh afterwards." We stared at him.  
  
"Colin..." I muttered. "You're a genius." He smiled brightly as we all laughed lowly at our brilliant plans.  
  
By the way, I found some silver ink I thought I'd lost last year, so I used it to write "The SSS - Seduction of Severus Snape," on the cover of this journal in some elegant script. I think it turned out rather well.  
  
September 5  
  
Potions class came all too soon for me. Of course, I was anxious to see my favorite teacher; however, my nerves about the first task were getting to me. What would Professor Snape do, after I smelled his hair? Would he take points from Ravenclaw? Would he give me detention? Would he throttle me? I was to find out soon enough.  
  
I was the first into the classroom, as usual. Not even Luna had accompanied me, because although she was unfazed by almost anything, she disliked Snape as much as any student. I walked into the room quietly and discreetly, with my head down, as was my custom, and took a seat in the very back of the room. I tried to stay unnoticed in all of my classes, and it usually worked. In this class, Snape didn't really want to notice anyone, so he was quite willing to ignore me. As I did every potions class for every year of my education, I watched the professor carefully as I unpacked, trying not to seem too obvious. He was sitting at his desk, his quill scratching away at a piece of parchment, and he didn't even look up at me. I could see an inkwell filled with red ink at his side, and he stopped for a moment to hastily dip his quill into it. Hey, he had a new quill; raven's feather, it looked like. It was about time he replaced that beat up old eagle's feather he'd been using. But, I digress.  
  
It wasn't long before more students started to filter in, and Luna joined me at my table in the back. I was spending my time trying to think up some good phrases to write in my next love letter, while Luna had her nose buried in The Quibbler again. The N.E.W.T. potions class with the Hufflepuffs was a fairly competent class, since Ravenclaws are intelligent (sometimes) and Hufflepuffs are hard working (for the most part.) However, Professor Snape always seemed to find a reason to berate us, and he wasn't about to let up at this point.  
  
When the bell rang, he stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of the board, surveying us as if he had never seen anything quite so disgusting. He began his annual beginning speech, talking about how the N.E.W.T.s were quickly approaching and he expected us all to pass with blah, blah, blah... After a while I just stopped listening and concentrated on the sound of his voice... It was so deep, quiet, and silky... And the way he moved was so graceful and elegant... In my opinion, Severus Snape is the epitome of sex. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a blind, deaf cretin. Alright, so everybody in the school, including my friends, thinks otherwise, but... They all have bad taste.  
  
With a wave of his wand, Professor Snape put the instructions for the potion we were to brew on the board, and everyone began. I worked quietly and diligently with Luna, not drawing any attention to myself, as always. We had been working for about half an hour and our potion was the appropriate shade of maroon when she gently nudged me, to signal that it was time. I hesitated, using the excuse of smelling the potion, which was fine, then slowly raised my hand. It took a few minutes for him to notice me, and when he did he paused for a moment before addressing me. "Yes, what is it, Miss... Miss..." His eyes flitted to the list of students on his desk. "Miss Page?"  
  
"Professor," I said, a lot more quietly than I meant to, "I think there's something wrong with our potion, but I'm not quite sure what. Could you take a look at it, please? It really would help a lot." He begrudgingly got to his feet and walked to our table at the back of the class, leaning over the cauldron.  
  
"I see nothing... wrong... with this potion," he growled, obviously irritated at that fact. "Five points from Ravenclaw for wasting my time."  
  
"Please, Professor, could you just take a closer look?" He glared at me and I gave him my best I'm-afraid-of-you-but-I-still-need-your-help look. He just needed to lean a little lower and I could complete my task. "Please?"  
  
"If you'll leave me be..." he grumbled, leaning lower over the cauldron and narrowing his eyes. I saw my chance and immediately took it. I lunged forward, nearly burying my nose in his hair, and took a loud, long whiff. I mean, I inhaled it like I was a crackwhore and he was Snow White. Afterwards, I sighed and feigned a shudder, as if I'd just partaken in a forbidden pleasure (which I think I had) and leaned back in my seat, acting as if nothing had happened. There was momentary silence in the classroom as the rest of the students stared, then began to snigger quietly. Meanwhile, Professor Snape was frozen over the cauldron, and I noticed that he was gripping the table so tightly that his hand was shaking. Very slowly, he rose and straightened himself, still grasping the desk. "Silence," he snapped. That was all it took to shut up the entire class. Then, he turned to me, looking as if he would like nothing more than to slit my throat. "Miss Page, what did you just do to me?" He voice was low and dangerous, barely above a whisper, and I knew that it meant he was absolutely enraged.  
  
"Nothing, sir," I answered, unable to hide the slight waver in my voice. It wasn't from fear though; I was trying with all my might to suppress the laughter that was bubbling up inside of me. He sneered, swooping down on me like a bat.  
  
"Insolent girl," he hissed. "I know you're lying to me." I remained silent. "Well? Speak! Tell me what you just did." I cleared my throat, shifting uncomfortable under his smoldering gaze... He's just so delicious when he's angry.  
  
"Well..." I tried to think up an excuse, but then decided to say something much more hilarious. "I'm sorry, Professor- you just smell so good." The room erupted in laughter, but one sharp glance from Professor Snape caused the noise to cease.  
  
"If that is the case, Miss Page," he muttered disdainfully, "then I daresay you can smell me all you like in detention tomorrow night at eight." Then, he straightened up and pointed his wand to my cauldron. "Evanesco." The contents immediately disappeared, leaving the cauldron spotless. "You'll get a zero for the day, and I expect to receive three feet on why it is inappropriate to smell a teacher by the next class. Is that understood?"  
  
"Of course, Professor." When he turned to go, I made a loud sniffing noise, and the class again began to laugh.  
  
"Silence! I will not tolerate another sound from this class! Now, get back to work, all of you!" He sat down behind his desk, yanked his quill from the inkwell, and began scratching away at the parchments. "Bloody hell..." I heard him mutter faintly, shaking the quill in an exaggerated motion before slamming it down on his desk. He was obviously in a foul mood, but who could blame him? I mean, it was plain to see the man did not get smelled by his students on a daily basis, nor laughed at by them.  
  
For the rest of the class everyone else worked quietly, not daring to make a single sound aside from the bubbling of their potions and the chopping of their ingredients. Meanwhile, Luna leaned back and continued with her reading, while I just sat back and immersed myself in thought. I was wondering what the next task I was given would be, and again thinking about what I could possibly put into the next love letter, and when to send it. I looked up at Professor Snape, who was currently telling a Hufflepuff boy how incompetent he was, and took a nice long look at that delicious ass of his. God, that man has glorious buttocks.  
  
Class ended all too soon, and Luna and I headed up to the Great Hall for lunch, where we informed Ginny and Colin of the events that occurred in potions. Needless to say, it took them a while to calm down enough to talk. I also noticed that we weren't the only ones relaying the tale; I was sure that by the end of the day the entire school would know that I smelled Professor Snape's hair. "We'll have to give you a task for the detention," Colin said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. I wondered vaguely if he would ever grow any facial hair.  
  
"Yes, but we can think of that tomorrow," Ginny said, waving her hand dismissively. "In the meantime... Let's hear that story again."  
  
September 6  
  
Task three: compliment him. Allow me to relay the tale. Luna, Ginny, Colin and I were sitting beneath a large tree by the lake, working on some homework while they were trying to think up a task for me to do at detention. They were having a hard time of it, though. "It should be discreet," Luna muttered as she read The Quibbler while holding it upside down.  
  
"I agree," Ginny said. "But what?"  
  
"I'm totally blank," Colin replied. "Touch his ass?" We all rolled out eyes.  
  
"Well, you could-"  
  
"Shh!" Colin interrupted, motioning to somewhere towards the castle. His little brother, Denis, was walking towards us. We all pretended to be absorbed in homework (mine being an essay on why it's inappropriate to smell a teacher) as Denis approached.  
  
"Hey guys!" he chirped. "What're you all up to?" He looked between us curiously, as if sensing that we were hiding something from him.  
  
"It's nothing," Colin replied, exasperated. "Just go away." Denis looked hurt by this.  
  
"I only wanted some company."  
  
"So find some your own age!" Colin growled.  
  
"Hold on," I said. "Denis... How would you subtly gain the attentions of someone you desire?" Denis bit his lip, thinking for a moment.  
  
"I'd complement her, I suppose. That always works."  
  
"Thanks," I replied. "Go up to the boys' bathroom on the fourth floor, enter the third stall down from the door, tap the cracked brick above the toilet, and say, 'Scarlet harlot.' That should keep you busy for a while." Denis smiled widely and ran off to retrieve his prize. Colin sighed, shaking his head as he began to fiddle with his camera.  
  
"You know," Ginny said thoughtfully, "I think Denis had the right idea. As a matter of fact... It's perfect! You can compliment Snape. He loves having people shove their heads up his ass." Ginny looked to Luna and Colin for approval. Luna nodded from behind her magazine, while Colin gave a thumbs up.  
  
"Alright," I agreed. "So what do I say, he has a nice ass?"  
  
"No, of course not!" Ginny exclaimed. "Something like... I dunno..." She put on a pouty face and started speaking in a mock-seductive voice. "I've always admired you, Professor."  
  
"I'm sure you have a gigantic penis," I added.  
  
"That's disgusting," Colin muttered, wrinkling his nose as he continued working on his camera.  
  
"What are you doing with that thing, anyway?" He snapped the back shut and grinned at me.  
  
"Changing the film." Then he swung the camera up and took a picture of me. I hate it when people take pictures of me, and he knows that. So... I tackled him.  
  
"Hand it over!" Our wrestling match was soon broken up, though, by Ginny and Luna.  
  
"It's just a picture," Ginny reasoned.  
  
"Yeah, yeah..."  
  
So, at eight I found myself in the dungeons, knocking on the door to the potions classroom. "Enter!" came the agitated response. I carefully opened the door and walked into the room, wondering what I would have to do for my detention. Professor Snape sat at his desk, as usual, grading papers. I approached him, and only when I cleared my throat did he set his quill down and stand up, addressing me. "You will clean out every single cauldron in this room- without the use of magic. Rest assured, Miss Page, I will be watching. By the time you are done, I want to see my reflection in them."  
  
"Yes sir," I answered.  
  
"Do you have any questions?"  
  
"Just one, sir. How is it that you get your robes so crisp and fresh?" He glared at me scathingly before taking five points from Ravenclaw and shooing me off to do my work.  
  
"And don't disturb me!" he added, sitting back down at his desk. Sighing heavily, I started cleaning cauldrons, which was a lot more difficult than it sounded. Much of the gunk stuck in them was difficult to remove, and it clung to my skin if I touched it. After about an hour, he walked over to check my work. He peered in at the cauldron I had just finished off, scowling. "You missed a spot." He seemed to be enjoying this.  
  
"I'm sorry, Professor," I replied. "I was distracted by your beautiful eyes." Did I just say that? But, damn, those eyes are gorgeous.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw," he growled. "And do try to work on your sarcasm."  
  
"I wasn't being sarcastic, sir," I replied, trying to sound breathless and instead sounding mentally impaired. He sneered at me, deducted more points, then made his way back to his desk. Ooh, what a nice bum. I went back to scrubbing cauldrons, making sure that they were absolutely perfect (when I do something, I do it right) and casting random glances at Professor Snape, leaning over a stack of parchments. However, about an hour into the detention, he started to notice the attention I was giving him.  
  
"Miss Page!" he snapped, suddenly looking up to meet my gaze. I suppressed a gulp.  
  
"Yes, Professor Snape?"  
  
"Kindly stop staring at me!" He sneered, looking rather dangerous.  
  
"I'm sorry, Professor," I replied, thinking that this would be the perfect opportunity for another complement, "but I was drawn to the enigmatic aura that seems to surround your lean and attractive body." Perhaps that was a bit too... descriptive.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!" he snarled. "Get back to work!" So, I did. And after another hour of constant scrubbing, I finished cleaning every single cauldron. Each and every one was absolutely spotless, practically sparkling. Professor Snape, however, didn't seem to appreciate my hard work. "Alright, go on, out of my sight," he grumbled, after inspecting the cauldrons and begrudgingly admitting that I'd done well enough to warrant my release.  
  
"Thank you, Professor," I replied in as happy a tone as I could manage. "Have a good night." Then I left, with him glaring at me.  
  
When I got back to my dormitory, everyone else was asleep, even Luna. So, sighing, I quickly threw on my pajamas and jumped onto my bed. Ah, sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep is so very, very nice. Especially when you dream of a naked Professor Snape...  
  
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So, that's it for chapter one. Like? Yes? Alright, good. If so, leave review. If not, constructive criticism is welcome, and I will embrace it to my supple bosom. Flames are not welcome. They will be used to light my farts.  
  
Next chapter: More tasks, more picture-taking on Colin's part, Nadia being embarrassed.  
  
Now would be the time to review. Hee. 


	2. Foot Fetish

Alright, I finally finished chapter 2... Yeehaw! Thanks a lot to Valeri for the footsie idea, it really helped me break my writers' block! So, I hope everyone enjoys.  
  
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Chapter 2: Foot Fetish  
  
* ~ September 15 ~ *  
  
Well, slow going on the SSS front... No one's thought of another suitable task (which I am secretly thankful for) and potions class was a bore. We brewed a form of transfiguration potion and I handed my anti- smelling essay in without incident ("accidentally" slipping in a few sentences that vaguely suggested that Professor Snape is sexy.) Plus, my prefect duties have been keeping me busy... Thank God it isn't one of those damn snots I room with, though. And at least I have Ginny to count on; she's Head Girl this year.  
  
However, all was not lost; there was a new challenge on the bulletin board in the common room today, so that made me happy. Allow me to explain: the Ravenclaws, long ago (probably not that long) found that they needed some extracurricular activity to keep them regular... Something stimulating. No, not sex. So, a secret society of writers was formed; writers who write under assumed names. Fairly frequently, there is a writing challenge posted on the bulletin board, though writers are not restricted to such challenges. The members are also not restricted to Ravenclaw house. See how generous we are? Anyway, I'm a member, and I'm proud to say that my writing has become fairly popular... It's mostly romance... Between two males... Teehee. I first became a popular writer when I started to write a series of stories about Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy... As a couple. Heh. This new challenge was simply, "a good use for the Whomping Willow." Hmm. Difficult, yes, but manageable. So, anyway, on to present events.  
  
Yesterday, I received a letter from my father. Let us take a moment to consider my father. Messy, sandy hair, hazel eyes with a manic glint, and a perpetual gigantic grin. Alright, not perpetual, but definitely gigantic. His chief interests are origami and birds... Especially fwoopers. As a matter of fact, he has a yellow pet fwooper named Sweetheart. And he's... Well, he's a nutter. That's what everyone calls him... Nutty Nathanyel Page. Nat the Nutter. Tano the Twit. That barmy git who got me splinched... There's a whole range of names. He works at the Ministry of Magic as an unspeakable. I think even if he did say anything about his job, Mum and I wouldn't believe him. I suppose that's part of why they wanted him for that post.  
  
Anyway, he sent me a letter. The significance of this is that there's something off about it... He's never written a letter quite like it before. I think what makes me the most suspicious is this excerpt: "Miriam-" that's my mother- "won't let me out of the house. I asked Arthur if he could call in a favor from his friend working in the floo network, so now I can sneak out through the fireplace every morning. Or apparate. But, you know how these things go- what with my apparating license being revoked and all. I insist and insist that I'm perfectly fine, but your mother just says that if I were normal, I'd get a real job. Not to undermine her or anything, but it's rather difficult to live with a raging harpy. Well, I hear her coming in now, so I'll have to cut this short. Have a good time at school- and try to keep out of trouble, eh?"  
  
Wow, something tells me that there might be trouble at home. Oh, well. My parents always have little squabbles like that and I'm sure they'll work it out in due time. I'm sort of wondering what's going on, though. Hmm... Something to mull over.  
  
In the meantime, I can try to avoid the next task of the SSS. Luna's been looking particularly distant the past couple of days, and I think she might be getting an idea. Speaking of tasks, I've got writers' block with the second love letter. I should ask Luna and Ginny to give me some help with it. Or maybe Dad. Haha, just kidding. I could draw inspiration from 80s monster ballads. Better than asking my father, at least... Imagine what he'd say if he knew about this! Probably something like, "Oh, really? Well, that's great, then! All you need to do is serenade him with the haunting song of the fwooper..." Or something like that.  
  
Maybe I could write to my uncle (mother's side) for advice. Uncle Kristo, what with being a lecherous, alcoholic, bee-keeping priest, would know just what to put into a love letter. On second thought, a lot of it would probably be far too dirty to keep in the letter. I'd probably end up omitting everything except for "you" and "the." He sets such a good example, especially as my godfather. Can you sense my sarcasm? Anyway... So, Luna and Ginny then. I'll ask them at lunch today.  
  
* ~ September 16 ~ *  
  
Alright, so I've got the love letter written and sealed. It's got the same feel as the last one, except with different content. You know, writing about how I can't stop thinking about him, I wish I could be with him, blah, blah. Put the usual spells on it and all. Got up early this morning, gave it to a really nondescript school owl, then got dressed and went down for breakfast.  
  
When the owl post came that day, I snapped my head up (as inconspicuously as possible) and eyed Professor Snape, waiting for the school owl to reach him. After a few moments of anxiously waiting, I watched the owl drop the letter before him and flutter away in a very business-like manner, not even pausing to take some of his food. He looked passively down at the letter for a few moments, then picked it up and opened it. He read it without reaction, then folded it up and slipped it back into the envelope, placing it in his pocket. He was probably hoping that testing that one would yield some clues to the identity of his secret admirer.  
  
"I've got an idea," Luna muttered to me airily, yanking my attention away from Professor Snape. "For the next task." Oh no.  
  
She told me on the way out to Care of Magical Creatures. My next task is to find Professor Snape in the hallway during passing time and ask him for help with my potions homework. While making suggestive facial gestures. In front of a crowd. A bit less forward than the other tasks, but this one had the largest audience yet. Still, it couldn't be too bad. With luck, Professor Snape might just ignore anything on my face that moved in a less than proper way. I actually have a list of requirements that she gave me. Apparently, she'd been talking to Ginny and Colin about it. I have to wiggle my eyebrows, wink, and lick my lips. I am not limited to the requirements and may expand upon them. In what way, I have no idea. Well, the bell to end History of Magic will be ringing soon, so I guess that'll be my opportunity. Argh.  
  
~ * ~ * ~  
  
I succeeded. It was hilarious. But also embarrassing. I was on my way to Defense Against the Dark Arts, and, just my luck, when I thought I was going to escape (I could actually see the classroom a few doors down) Professor Snape came prowling down the corridor. And there was a large crowd present. I decided that the quicker I did the task, the sooner it would be over, and immediately called out to him. "Professor! Professor Snape!" He paused momentarily, raising an eyebrow at me as I rushed up to him, suppressing an embarrassed blush as best I could.  
  
"Miss Page?" he enquired, looking like he wanted to swat me out of the way.  
  
"Professor, I..." I hadn't really thought of the wording before, so I made it up as I went along. "I've been having a bit of... trouble with my potions assignment." I emphasized the last sentence with my eyebrows, completing the first requirement. And trying not to go completely red as I noticed Professor Lupin leaning on the door frame to the DADA classroom, eyeing us with mild interest. Damn. Sexy, sexy Professor Lupin was going to see this...  
  
"Oh? That's too bad." Professor Snape sounded completely sarcastic.  
  
"Yes," I said quickly as I noticed him getting ready to walk away. "I was wondering if you'd ah... Give me a little extra help." I licked my lips (I tried to do it subtly) and tried not to look at any of the sniggering students surrounding the scene. Professor Snape raised an eyebrow (sexy) and clasped his hands behind his back, looking irritated and condescending.  
  
"I'm afraid I've got a full schedule, Miss Page," he growled, sneering.  
  
"I think I really would benefit from it," I persisted, winking. I think he almost looked put off at that.  
  
"Miss Page, is there something wrong with your eye?" he asked dangerously.  
  
"Nothing at all," I answered innocently. His lip curled as he started to put forth a scathing remark, but then the discussion was interrupted.  
  
"Ah, Severus!" Professor Lupin clapped him on the shoulder, which seemed to agitate him even more. "I see you're speaking to Nadia about some help with potions homework. You know, if you're too busy, I'm sure you could talk to Albus and have him clear up your schedule a bit, don't you agree?" He growled dangerously.  
  
"Indeed. See me in my office after classes, Miss Page." And then he swept off, looking absolutely murderous. I could have laughed out loud. Not only had Professor Lupin saved my bum, but he had also helped me get some time alone with the luscious Professor Snape.  
  
"Good afternoon, Nadia," he greeted amiably, giving me a smile. I could have orgasmed. Professor Lupin is a sexy beast, second only to Professor Snape. Seeing them in the same room is like being bombarded with pure sex. Mmm, nice images of them doing naughty things to each other... Anyway, back to the story.  
  
"Hello, Professor," I returned.  
  
"Well, you'd better get inside before the bell rings," he warned cheerfully, indicating the doorway to the classroom.  
  
"Right. Thanks." You hot thing. The fact that he's a werewolf just somehow makes him even more attractive to me... It's a bit strange, actually. DADA went well, all things considered. Discussion on defending against foreign substances and other outside penetration... Heehee. And I was left with the strange urge to watch "Teen Wolf."  
  
So... Blah, blah, boring day... I told the members of the SSS what had happened while we lounging by the lake during lunch, they all thought it was grand, and Ginny gave me yet another task to complete. "Make an extra effort to touch him," she told me. I asked her to specify, in a very irritable manner. "You know," she said, "brush your hand against his, lean across him, touch his knee... Things like that. He'll go absolutely mad!" She giggled.  
  
"Yes, and then I'll end up as ingredients in our next potions assignment." I was seriously considering the consequences of further invoking the potions master's rage.  
  
"It's mandatory," Ginny insisted.  
  
"I don't know," Colin interrupted, looked apprehensive. "Are you sure she should... Er... Touch Snape like that?"  
  
"You're just jealous," Ginny replied curtly. Colin turned a rather deep shade of red and bit his lip, sitting in sheepish silence.  
  
"It's settled," Luna commented airily, staring up at the sky. "Today." I groaned and put my head in my hands.  
  
"Wonderful." After a few more minutes, Ginny checked her watch and ran off for a date with... I don't know, someone. I wasn't really listening. The Gryffindors had the afternoon free of classes, apparently. I was looking up at the clouds, which Luna claimed looked like some creatures that no one else believed still existed. Eventually, she left, too, claiming the need to catch up on some homework before our next class. I sighed and continued to look up at the clouds... Was that a fwooper?  
  
"Er..." I turned to Colin, who seemed to want to say something, but was unable to find any words to express himself. "So..."  
  
"Yeah, you said it." Silence. "...So?"  
  
"Um... So... Nadia... You... Er... I... Like your... Uh... Hair." I stared at him for a few moments, trying to decide whether or not he was a complete idiot. The verdict landed on not, but it was a close call.  
  
"...Thanks."  
  
"...Yeah." This guy needs to learn how to overcome his intimacy issues.  
  
"Anything else on your mind besides my hair?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Apparently not." Alright, so I was being a bit mean... But I was just kidding. "I'm just joking, you know." See, I even told him so.  
  
"Yeah... Heh..."  
  
"So... You've got some nice hair, too." He blushed a bit.  
  
"Thanks." And then more silence. I thought that if the conversation wasn't going to lead anywhere interesting, then I might as well go and get my books for class.  
  
"I should get going... I've got a class to get to, so..."  
  
"Yeah... Um..."  
  
"See you around." I got up and walked away. I could tell he was watching me. Well, Colin, if you want a date, then you'll just have to work for it. I haven't got time for a conversation consisting entirely of "er" and "um." He's a Gryffindor; so he should get some courage and just friggin fraggin ask me.  
  
That afternoon, as the bell rang to signal the end of my last class, I could feel butterflies jumping around in my stomach... Well... Butterflies don't jump, but you get the idea. So, I went down to the dungeons, which was an uneventful walk, and knocked on the door to Professor Snape's office. "Enter!" He really needs to work on a new greeting phrase. Anyway, I walked inside, closed the door behind me, and approached his desk. He glared at me as if I were a particularly rank mountain troll. "Miss Page," he growled.  
  
"Yes, Professor?" I stood hopefully before him.  
  
"Where is your homework?" He sounded like he wanted to kill himself. I, in the meantime, was torn between happiness at the situation and dread at the task ahead. I sat down in the chair before his desk and pulled my half-finished potions assignment from my bag, handing it over. There actually was something I was having trouble with, but I usually asked Luna about homework, or tried to look it up, instead of consulting the teacher. I held the homework out to him and he snatched it from my hand, looking it over. "I see no problem," he snapped irritably after a few moments.  
  
"Well, Professor, I wrote down what I knew already, but then I got stuck, you see..."  
  
"I am afraid I don't quite see, Miss Page." He narrowed his eyes at me.  
  
"Well..." I dug in my bag and pulled out the three thick potions volumes I was using as references and dropped them on his desk. "Professor, do you mind if I just...?" As I spoke, I stood up and moved around the desk, standing next to him and in the process hooking my foot around the leg of the chair and sliding it around with me. I sat down next to him and pulled the books towards me. "There." He glared at me as I flipped the books opened to the text I'd highlighted and explained my long, boring problem, which I won't describe here because... It's... Long and boring. As I did so, I "accidentally" brushed my elbow against his arm, and touched his leg with mine. He remained silent the whole time, scowling at me as if he wished I'd simply drop dead on the spot.  
  
"Hold on," he suddenly interrupted me halfway through my explanation of an inner-debate I'd been having about wormwood infusions. "How did you come to that conclusion?" Orgasm.  
  
"Well, I'm not sure about it, because- I mean, there's so many holes in the theory, so many ways to get around it, but with more evidence to solidify it, I'm sure it could be applied... The idea actually came from... Er... My father." He only raised an eyebrow, resting his elbows on his desk.  
  
"Your father?"  
  
"Yes," I replied, seeing the perfect opportunity for physical contact. "He's rather interested in potions, actually, but he hardly ever tells anyone what he's up to-" as I spoke I discreetly slid my arms towards his and brushed up against him- "and even when he does speak up, you can't even understand half of what he's saying."  
  
"Complicated wording?" Professor Snape enquired, still sounding gruff and irritated as he pulled his arm away from mine.  
  
"I suppose you could call it that." Something strange happened then, but only for a moment; first, he looked as though he might scream, then, he looked almost neutral, which I suppose is his version of smiling. However, the whole thing was only a split second, and difficult to actually make sense of.  
  
"...I see. Continue." So I continued. And as I continued, I placed a convenient hand on his arm or over his hand, brushed an arm or a leg against him; and each time he moved his chair further away from me.  
  
Eventually, I had to write a few things down. That's when disaster stuck. I leaned over to grab a quill, resting my hand against his thigh... So firm... Mmm... And a lot higher than I'd planned, but I didn't mind. Was that a muscle twitching? He did, though. As I returned to my seat, I noticed that his eyes were glittering with malice as he glared at me, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Detention, Miss Page," he snarled.  
  
"Professor," I protested, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"  
  
"Silence. You will either move your seat to the other side of my desk, or you will leave my office. Now." He looked like he wanted me to do the latter.  
  
So, I moved my seat, trying not to seem too disappointed, while he muttered something about labor laws and things that were not part of his job... Hmm, wonder what he was talking about?  
  
I leaned over my work, stretching out my legs, though it was difficult, what with Professor Snape's long, slender legs taking up so much room. That's when I got a brilliant idea: footsie. The perfect continuation of my task. It would have to be done carefully, slowly, and at a point when I'd be prepared to be kicked out. So, I'd wait.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, I was ready. Cautiously, I moved my leg forward, trying to look as if I was giving my utmost concentration to my work. When I felt the fabric of his robes brush against my leg, I made my move. I slipped my foot out of my shoe and pressed my heel to the back of his calf, my leg wrapping around his so that their sides touched. Then, I slid my leg up along his, glancing up to see his reaction.  
  
There was a large blot of ink on the parchment he'd been writing on, and his quill lay next to it, discarded and quivering in its place. His face looked as if it was struggling between blanching and blushing, the red creeping out from his hairline indicating which was winning over. His lips were pressed so tightly together that his mouth was merely a thin line dashed across his face, and his eyes were narrowed and glittering, as if trying to strike me dead with their furious glare.  
  
I merely leaned my face against my hand, pretending that I was doing nothing out of the ordinary as I scanned over the document before me. As I did so, I eased my leg down his and slipped my foot up his robes... Which felt very nice. Until he jumped out of his seat, his chair skidding back and causing a racket as he slammed his hands on his desk. Apparently, he'd finally found his voice, and he looked pissed off to the extreme.  
  
"FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!" he roared, a vein throbbing noticeably in his temple. "DETENTION FOR A WEEK!" I think he was actually spitting with rage. "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" I lingered a few moments to slip my shoe back on and gather my things. "NOW!!" I jumped a bit, startled by his... Scariness... Then grabbed everything in a messy, uneven, unsteady pile and rushed out of the room, supplies flying from my arms and falling to the ground. I didn't stop to pick them up.  
  
When I reached the second floor, panting and sweating a little, I stopped to catch my breath, dropping my things and leaning against the wall. I thought that the experience would be harrowing, that I'd want to stop with the SSS right away, that I'd hate this whole thing even more... But I was wrong. It took me a long time, actually, to catch my breath, because as I reflected over the whole day, I started laughing. And I couldn't stop. As a few people walked through the corridor and passed me by, they gave me strange looks, but I simply couldn't help it. I laughed until I couldn't breath, and I kept laughing in quiet, wheezing, sporadic bursts.  
  
"Hey... Are you alright, Nadia?" I looked up to see Colin surveying me with mild concern, slipping a book and a few parchments into his bag.  
  
"Oh... I'm fine," I replied, managing to finally catch my breath. "It's just... It was so funny!" I chuckled a bit more.  
  
"You mean the task?" Colin shifted his weight a bit, shuffling his feet and looking uncomfortable.  
  
"Yes, the task." I sighed heavily. "It was the best yet. God, that man had wonderful thighs..." Colin's frown was a sign that I probably shouldn't continue on that tangent. So, I explained to him what happened, every juicy detail. Colin looked ready to vomit.  
  
"Eurgh... You played footsie with Snape?" He stuck his tongue out, as if a bad taste had suddenly entered his mouth. "Blech!"  
  
"It was rather fun," I pointed out. Colin tinged a little pink, wrinkling his nose as he focused particularly hard on a crack in the wall.  
  
"Yeah, well... Hmph."  
  
"Jealous?" I enquired.  
  
"No." It wasn't very believable. There were a few moments of silence before I spoke again.  
  
"So, what are you doing here, anyway?" He blinked a bit, as if remembering something he hadn't meant to forget.  
  
"Oh! Sorry! I was going to go down to the dungeons to see if you were done with Snape, because Ginny and Luna want to have another SSS meeting, down in the kitchens. Luna has a craving for bananas and pork, you see." I made no comment on Luna's strange craving. There was no need for it.  
  
So, we headed down to the kitchens, once again immersed in silence. A few gossip mongrels whispered to each other as we passed their paintings, but that was pretty much the only noise aside from clapping of our footsteps and the swishing of our robes. However, Colin eventually broke the silence as we approached the grand staircase. "So..." he muttered uncomfortably, shoving his hands in his pockets. "...Er... Could I... erm... Ask you something?" I shrugged.  
  
"Sure." It took him a few more seconds to work out his question.  
  
"So... You... Er... Fancy Snape, right?"  
  
"Right," I answered slowly.  
  
"Um... A lot? Or... Er... Just a little?" I shrugged again.  
  
"It depends on your definition of 'a lot.'"  
  
"Like... I dunno... So much that you... Er... Can't imagine fancying... Anyone else?"  
  
"Dunno," I replied vaguely. "Guess it depends on whether the right guy comes along." We were approaching the painting of the fruit that led to the kitchens, which meant that Colin would probably have to cut this short.  
  
"Oh... Er... Alright." I waited for something more. Nothing came. Fuck you, Colin.  
  
"Oh, hey!" Ginny blinked in surprise as she emerged from behind the painting, looking back and forth between us. "...Are you two busy?"  
  
"No," Colin answered quickly, his neck turning red.  
  
"Alright." She gave us one more suspicious look. "Come on in, then." We followed her inside, and were immediately subjected to a barrage of house elves. I asked for some chocolate pudding, then followed Ginny over to one of the tables near the back, where Luna was eating some pork chops and banana. Once we were settled, the conference began.  
  
"So, what is it, this time?" I asked, leaning my face in my hand as I dug into my pudding.  
  
"First," Ginny replied, "tell us what happened with Snape." So, I relayed my story once again, and left Ginny laughing hysterically, while Luna continued to eat, apparently oblivious, and Colin merely looked sour. "Aright," Ginny gasped, after finally calming down. "Colin, show us what you got." Blushing slightly, Colin drew his book and papers from his bag, showing us the book. It was called '1001 Ways to Get Your Guy.' Ginny and I let out snorts of laughter, while Luna went on with her meal.  
  
"Hilarious," I commented, taking the book from him and flipping through it.  
  
"I wrote down some helpful pages-" he indicated the papers- "and highlighted a few passages." Ginny clapped her hands together, smiling.  
  
"And have you found anything helpful?" Colin nodded.  
  
"Oh, lots of things. But, since we're in the kitchens, I thought we might start off with 'Chapter 3: The Way to a Man's Heart is Through His Stomach.'" I snorted.  
  
"Yeah, right. How old fashioned." Ginny grinned.  
  
"I don't know. It works with the men in my family." She let out a little laugh. "Anyway, that's perfect! Cook him something... But what?"  
  
"Cookies?" Colin suggested.  
  
"...Maybe..."  
  
"Heart-shaped," Luna suddenly cut in. "With pink sprinkles." I was appalled.  
  
"No," I protested. "Not pink."  
  
"How about chocolate chip, then?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Heart-shaped chocolate chip," Luna added.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Could I have one?" Colin asked. Eye rolling ensued. "I think we should charm them," he said pensively, almost as an afterthought.  
  
"Oh, God, no..." I covered my face with my hands, but soon looked up to better see what was happening at the table. I promised myself I'd have fun with it, anyway, and there was really no way I could change their minds.  
  
"A singing charm?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Nah," Colin replied. "How about a charm that turns him into something? Like the Weasleys' Canary Creams."  
  
"No!" Ginny replied. "We're aiming for love, here, not..." She searched for a word to describe what she meant. "...Fred and George."  
  
"What about a love charm?" Luna suggested. We were all intrigued by this.  
  
"A love charm?" Ginny asked.  
  
"What kind of love charm?" I butted in.  
  
"Ew, are you serious?" Colin groaned. We ignored him.  
  
"Maybe there's one in the book," Luna said in that vague way she has. We immediately turned to the book and flipped to the cooking section for charmed foods, where we were referred to "Chapter 8: Magical Means." There actually was a very good charm in there.  
  
"Look at this!" Ginny exclaimed, pointing to the charm she'd spotted. "The Rose-Colored Glasses Charm..."  
  
"How unoriginal," I commented.  
  
"Sh. Let's see... This charm can be cast on food, so that's good... And... Hmm... It makes the subject of the charm see the caster in a more favorable light." She grinned at me and waggled her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"Hey," I replied, "I'm all for it."  
  
"I don't know," Colin muttered, looking a bit worried. "I mean, casting magic on a teacher is pretty serious business... And... Well, who knows what Snape will do with that charm on him? What if it makes him... I dunno... Fancy Nadia?" There was a short period of silence before Colin was bombarded with laughter.  
  
"Oh, get serious, Colin," I replied, pushing him a bit. "As if Professor Snape would ever fancy anyone, let alone me!" Colin blushed a little, smiling sheepishly, then finally joined us in our laughter.  
  
We decided to bake the cookies over the weekend, since that would give us plenty of time to get the recipe right, and then to sneak into the potions classroom and leave them for Professor Snape before breakfast on Monday. Luna and I had potions again, first thing, so it would be a perfect opportunity for us to see how it worked.  
  
"Next task, though," Ginny said, smiling, as we parted, "Colin and I get to watch, too."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
There's chapter 2. BAM! Next chapter: The execution of Operation: Cookie and speed freak Snape. I won't ruin too much of the surprise for you, though.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far! It really helped me along. 


	3. The Great Cookie Caper

Mwahahah! Here it is, finally, chapter 3. Call it a New Year's present. It's a little short (probably choppy as well) but I'm just glad I finally got it finished. And, of course, I couldn't leave out a chance to mention the notorious pink bunny pajamas! ...You'll understand, in time. Anyway, here's whatever and stuff. I mean, chapter 3.  
  
~  
  
Chapter 3: The Great Cookie Caper  
  
* ~ September 21 ~ *  
  
I seriously am going to end up pissing myself laughing before this thing is over. Allow me to explain.  
  
The weekend was put to good use, making the cookies. And thinking up more tasks. Yes, I was assigned yet another task to complete. But, I'll get to that later. Anyway, we ran off down to the kitchens, ordered all the ingredients from the house elves, and started baking. We had to bake the cookies ourselves so that we could cast the spell. It was... Interesting, to say the least. And extremely messy. But I won't bore you with the details... Except that I made sure Colin would have to take at least three showers before he got the cookie dough out of his hair.  
  
Anyway, cookies were made, blah blah. Colin still acts like a doof around me and refuses to say anything as to what his feelings are. So... Bugger Colin. And then the time came to deliver the cookies... Which was rather successful, I must say.  
  
Early Monday morning, I snuck into the potions classroom and placed the tray of cookies upon Professor Snape's desk, then snuck out just as stealthily. I was not noticed by anyone, and so was able to pull off the first stage of the plan successfully.  
  
Breakfast went by rather uneventfully, and since we had potions first thing, I got Luna to come with me to the potions classroom at my usual early time and wait at the back of the classroom with me. When we arrived, the cookies remained untouched, and Professor Snape hadn't come to class yet. In fact, we were the only ones in the classroom.  
  
We were still the only students present when, only a minute or so later, Professor Snape came sweeping into the classroom, looking as if he were in a particularly foul mood. He made it to his desk and started looking for his quill before he even noticed the cookies.  
  
He looked them over suspiciously for a little bit as I watched him from the corner of my eyes, pretending to be deeply involved in a book. Then he started muttering charms at them, and then after that just stared at them for a bit longer. And then, checking to make sure that Luna and I were indeed paying him absolutely no attention, he tentatively bit into one of them. I almost jumped up and shouted with joy, but I managed to keep control of myself and merely smirk from behind my book. He chewed pensively for a bit, then ate the rest of the cookie with a rather satisfied look on his face as he stashed the rest in his desk. Note to self: Snape is a cookie fiend. Excellent bribery material.  
  
So, the rest of the students slowly filtered in, and then the bell rang and the lesson began. And that sexy beast (breast) was still showing no signs of side effects. "How long does it take for this spell to work?" I whispered to Luna anxiously as we copied down notes about advanced healing potions from the board.  
  
"A quaglar," she answered, writing her notes in lyrical form. I decided not to question her any further.  
  
The signs of the spell started to show themselves, though, about halfway through the class. I decided to, against my usual custom, draw attention to myself by answering a question. I waited patiently with my hand in the air until he looked at me, and then... He just stared blankly at me for a few moments, blinking. "...Miss Page?" he finally growled, frowning intensely. I gave him the answer, and he grunted, awarding no points as he continued the lecture, glancing back at me a few times.  
  
When he turned his back, I nudged Luna a few times to make sure that she'd noticed it, and she did. The plan was working!  
  
Anyway, since we had a double, the notes were followed by a practical session. So, Professor Snape roamed around the classroom, checking our progress. When he got close to me, I noticed that his glare was particularly venomous, which did not bode well. Then, of course, I had to go and drop my stirring spoon under the desk. I crawled underneath it to grab the spoon as quickly as I could, and then I came back out, started to stand out... And shouldered him in the ass. Everyone had seen it. There was almost utter silence as he slowly turned around, scowling at me. "Miss Page," he hissed. I gulped. "Detention." And then he walked away. Hmm, not as bad as I'd expected.  
  
The rest of the class was rather uneventful, except that I think Professor Snape was actually trying to ignore me, rather than doing so out of habit. After the bell rang, I was the slowest to get my things together (as always) and he called me up to his desk. Sometimes I wonder if Professor Snape is a speed freak. Perhaps this was a reaction to the spell or something like that, but he was acting a bit strange. He tapped his foot constantly and kept shifting his eyes around, like he expected someone to come hurtling out of the shadows and attack him. "Professor?" I asked. He frowned.  
  
"You will report to my office at eight o'clock tonight, Miss Page. Dismissed."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
So, detention tonight. Rather unfitting for a school prefect, but I never thought I deserved the position, anyway. Sort of makes me wonder about the standards. Eh.  
  
Another boring day. Bah. Ginny and Colin seemed to get some amusement out of my retelling of the events in potions class, at least. They thought it was very funny that I shouldered Professor Snape in the ass.  
  
Anyway, eight o'clock rolled around and I headed down to the dungeons for my horrifically sexy detention with Professor Snape. Bracing myself for back-breaking labor, I entered Professor Snape's office to see him staring despondently down at a small fire, crackling in his fireplace. It was strange, actually, because he usually never keeps a fire there. And, upon turning my attention to his desk, I noticed that everything was shifted around and out of place, many of the more obtrusive items laying on the floor. As if he'd knocked them down... In, I don't know, a fit of rage, or something. Again, strange. And he hadn't noticed me yet. I cleared my throat loudly. "Professor?" Starting slightly, he turned to me, scowling.  
  
"Miss Page," he muttered, eyeing me suspiciously.  
  
"I'm... Er... Here for my detention."  
  
"Ah... Yes... Of course." He seemed rather out of sorts.  
  
"Er... So... What should I do?" He blinked slowly, scowling.  
  
"Clean up this mess." And then he swept out of the room. Bah! He makes a mess and I have to clean it up? I barely even clean up after myself! Well, I thought, maybe I'll find something sexy. Or get to snoop in his desk.  
  
Well, of course, it just so happened that his desk was locked tight. There wasn't even anything personal on the desk! It figures. There were a few letters though, mostly from the Headmaster. One was unopened, with a green wax seal, but I couldn't see anything through the envelope when I held it up to the light. Not that I was looking through his things... Heh.  
  
It didn't take long to clean everything up, so I spent most of my time looking for something that would help me in my pursuit. In fact, I think Snape might have forgotten about me, because I spent two hours in there with no sign of him. Then, when he finally did come back, he looked at me with a surprised expression and said, "Oh. You're still here?" Needless to say, that was the end of my detention. Rather disappointing, if I do say so myself.  
  
* ~ October 1 ~ *  
  
Right. It's been a while, but we've been at a stalemate with the good Professor. Apparently, the charm on the cookies wasn't very strong, because it didn't really do much. Then, no one could come up with a good idea. I was thinking of asking Dad, but then knowing him he'd probably arrange a wedding or something. He's weird like that. I could just imagine him with a daisy chain on his head, throwing pink flower petals about... Because I've seen it before. Not to mention those ridiculous bunny pajamas.  
  
Anyway, it's been over a week and all anyone can really think of is to write another love letter (which I've done) and to address Professor Snape by his given name. Which I attempted today, to the complete horror of all. Well, not really. But I still got a detention. Allow me to tell the tale.  
  
I was in potions class, quite aware of my task, and ready to get it over with. However, an opportunity never came up. Snape asked a few questions, of course, but he never called on me. And then we went on to the practical part of the lesson, so I was sure that our plans were foiled. Thanks to Luna, though, I was given the perfect opportunity.  
  
The recipe for the potion called for mooncalf dung (ick) so we were using that rather liberally. Luna was holding a vial of it, when, just as Professor Snape was approaching, she suddenly got butterfingers. (Whether purposely or not, I'm sure I will never know.) Anyway, he stepped on the small glob of dung, which happened to be very slippery, and went down like a ton of bricks. Which was actually pretty funny, considering he always glides around so gracefully. So everyone looked over and gasped and went, "Oh my!" and that's when I realized that it was my chance to get the task done. I leaned over Luna, looked down at him, and put on a concerned expression (even though I knew that he would be fine, and was trying very hard not to burst out laughing at any second. Not that I'm insensitive.)  
  
"Oh dear!" I exclaimed in a rather convincing tremor, I do declare. "Severus, are you alright?" There was utter, all-consuming silence. It lasted for what seemed like an eternity. There wasn't even any sound of crickets chirping. "Er... Really, though. Are you alright?" Ever so slowly, he got to his feet and drew himself up to his full height.  
  
"What was that, Miss Page?" And, wow, it sounded really sexy. Although it was also infused with unspeakable rage.  
  
"I asked if you were alright," I answered unsurely. He glared daggers at me, apparently still waiting for a proper answer. "Well... Er... I think it was justified. I mean, that was a rather nasty fall, Severus."  
  
It was like a potion had just exploded. Oh, the horror. Somewhere in the jumble of scoldings and swear words (alright, so there was only one) I managed to make out, "Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" and "Detention!"  
  
Speaking of which, it's time for detention right now. So, I'd better get going. If I'm late, Professor Snape might curse me out again.  
  
* ~ October 2 ~ *  
  
Two words: Ungrateful swine.  
  
* ~ October 3 ~ *  
  
Alright, so I didn't have much time to spare for words yesterday. I think I was descriptive enough, though. Right? Huh. Well, anyway, I suppose I'll start from the detention, which was with, of all people, Filch. Can you say, "Anal-retentive?" He made me polish every suit of armor on the second floor, and honestly, he's like my mother! Every other minute it was, "You're supposed to rub in circles," or "You missed a spot," or "You call that clean? It's filthy!" Really, I was about to shove the can of polish down his scratchy little throat, the bastard.  
  
Ahem. So, I was on my way back to Ravenclaw tower when I passed by the infirmary, and who should I see but Professor Snape! Of course, being the kind and gentle soul that I am, I supposed at the time that an apology would be appropriate. Apparently, though, he wasn't in the mood for apologies. The moment the word "Professor" came out of my mouth, he whirled around and practically bit my head off.  
  
After, "Damn students always badgering me," I sort of tuned him out and just waited for him to be on his way. Near the end of it, I thought I heard him say something that sounded suspiciously like, "Your mad bastard of a father," but I can't be too sure. He was probably just ranting randomly by that time. Eventually, he fell silent, glared intensely at me, and stalked off. He was muttering to himself. Now I'm sure that he's either at least a little insane or ritually consuming some type of illegal substance.  
  
Filch and Snape weren't the only ones being ungrateful swine. Mostly, it was Colin. Ah, Colin: THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Bastards, all of them. Perhaps I should elaborate, though. I'll try to ignore the pain and humiliation of recounting the events of such a sensitive subject.  
  
So, I was sitting outside by the lake with Luna, discussing our latest Transfiguration assignment. It was really tough; I don't know what McGonagall was thinking. But anyway, we were sitting outside together when I saw Colin and Ginny heading our way, talking about... I don't know, something. They walked over to us, sat down, and smiled wickedly. In sync. Which is always a bad thing, no matter who you're talking about.  
  
"We've got a new task for you," Ginny said. I could tell it was a tough one, from the way she was saying it.  
  
"Well, what is it?" I wasn't in the mood to beat about the bush.  
  
"You see," Colin started, grinning, "Peeves has stopped up all the toilets in the dungeons, including Snape's."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And the faculty toilets, as well. All the teachers have to use the student bathrooms."  
  
"Aaaand it's very convenient for the next task," Ginny added. I waited patiently. "You'll walk in on him, you know... Doing his thing!"  
  
"And how will this-"  
  
"It's funny," she interrupted. I turned to Colin.  
  
"And what are you so happy about?"  
  
"Oh, well..." He cleared his throat a bit. "Once you see Snape's thing... Well, it's got to be disgusting, right?"  
  
"Uhuh. Right." Back to Ginny. "And how am I supposed to just walk in on him? I don't know where or when he'll be going."  
  
"Colin overheard him complaining about how he has to do patrol duty on the fourth floor. And, everyone knows that there's only one bathroom on the fourth floor."  
  
"Plus," Colin interjected, "he drank a lot of tea."  
  
"If we hurry, we can catch him." Ginny grabbed me and tried to pull me up. I just went along with it and let them drag me into the castle and to the fourth floor. Luna was strangely silent the whole time.  
  
Ginny and Colin played lookout for me, while Luna waited for me. When I asked Ginny why she was so enthusiastic about this task, I was quite surprised by the answer. "I heard one of the Slytherin girls saying that it was cut, and I was just curious. That's all." I decided not to ask how that certain Slytherin came across such information and instead focused myself on the task ahead. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was walking down the corridor and made a beeline for the men's room. That was my cue, so Luna pushed me forward and we all gathered around the door while I braced myself. I had the sinking feeling that I was going to be physically injured when I entered the bathroom.  
  
With a deep breath, I stepped through the swinging door. And stopped. And stared. He was using a urinal... And Ginny was right. He was cut. And... There was only one word to describe it. WOW. Yes, in capitals. I couldn't move, I couldn't blink; I could only stare. And he didn't even notice me! Probably because it took a lot of concentration to aim that magnificent beast... I was thoroughly enjoying the view when Ginny came waltzing in. "Hey, what's taking so- oh, WOW! Look at that, it's- just wow!" He froze. He closed his eyes very slowly, then opened them and looked at us. Signal shit hitting fan.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"  
  
"Could we touch it, sir?" Believe it or not, that was Ginny.  
  
"GET OUT!!" We turned heel and ran as fast as we could, all the way down to the entrance hall and back out of the castle. We practically flew out of there, Luna and Colin on our heels. Detention awaited us for sure. Anyway, when we finally stopped to catch our breaths I decided to ask Ginny just what was going through her mind.  
  
"What the hell were you thinking?" I asked. "Have you completely lost your mind?"  
  
"No," she answered indignantly.  
  
"I thought you hated Snape!"  
  
"I did- I do. I mean, he's ugly and greasy and all... But did you get a load of that cock? It was bloody magnificent!"  
  
"Alright. I agree with that." I paused. "Damn, that was- Damn."  
  
"He was hung like a horse," she agreed.  
  
"Forget the horse, I'd ride him any day." And, of course, Colin got angry *cough*jealous*cough*.  
  
"What are you talking about?" he complained. "That's disgusting! How could you? I mean- augh! Where are your standards?"  
  
"I happen to have very high standards," I answered. Ginny was too busy drooling over the memory of Snape to say anything. Not that I blamed her.  
  
"Oh, yeah right! You're busy chasing after a greasy bastard like Snape, but- but... But..." He trailed off, going quite red in the face. Ginny and Luna had the good grace to back away, out of hearing range.  
  
"But what?" I crossed my arms, waiting for him to say something. Anything!  
  
"But... He's ugly, alright!"  
  
"In comparison to whom?" I insisted.  
  
"Well- anyone!" Colin is such a doof. Really, he just cannot pick up a hint.  
  
"Really? Anyone?"  
  
"I'm better looking!" I looked at him for a very long time. He turned even more red.  
  
"...So you're saying... What, exactly?" I'll be damned if I give in.  
  
"Nothing." He turned around and fled. ASS. What a doofy mcwimperton. And hey, I didn't make that phrase up. My dad did.  
  
So, at breakfast today I got a letter in the post giving me another detention with Filch, along with a letter from Dad. And... I could have died of embarrassment. Apparently, sneaking a peek at a teacher's goods warrants writing to parents, because he mentioned it in the letter. And he thought it was funny! I could just imagine him, opening the official school letter, laughing his ass off with Mum scolding him for being too loud or something. And here's a little bit of trauma from the letter: "Well, if I'd known you were that enthusiastic, I'm sure I could have arranged something with the headmaster! Hah!" My. Father. Is. Dead. Right now.  
  
And, of course, things did not improve at all throughout the day. We had Transfiguration and handed in our papers, and when I handed mine in McGonagall gave me one of her "You're a disgraceful piece of shit" looks, which I knew meant that the whole staff must know of yesterday's incident. Dammit. And, of all the people to run into in the hallway after such a thing! Headmaster Dumbledore himself! And he actually looked at me as if he were amused! More trauma. Well, Blaise Zabini always said he was a dirty old man.  
  
...No more mentioning Blaise, then. Time for bed.  
  
* * *  
  
Yes, the shoulder-to-the-ass scene was actually something I've experienced. Multiple times. From both ends. Go figure. And sorry for all the "so's" and "and's" and swearing, but I was trying to make it run similar to the way a person talks (but much more descriptive) and I tend to swear a lot and use the words "so" and "and" much more than I should. So thank you for bearing with that. And thanks to everyone who reviewed so far! Sorry for taking so long with the update.  
  
And, as for any questions and concerns about some loose ends: Blaise's role in the whole thing will be explained. So will the phrase "your mad bastard of a father" as spoken by Snape. ;) As well as the letter with the green seal. And possibly (no promises) the "fit of rage" with the desk... Maybe not. But, most importantly of all... (drum roll) The origin of the bunny pajamas! BUM BUM BUM! So tune in next time, kids. 


	4. Everybody Loves Remus

This chapter: Remus-centric. A veritable Remus buffet for all you fans. He must be in at least half of the entire chapter, what a goof-ball. Anyway, the following chapter contains spankings, Remus, the planning of social events, Remus, Colin being a doof yet again, Remus, naughty sex books, Remus, a reference to the Golden Girls, and... *drumroll* Remus! Well, alright, that's exaggerating a bit... But, meh. :P  
  
~  
  
Chapter 4: Everybody Loves Remus  
  
* ~ October 25 ~ *  
  
Right then. I'm finally done with that long line of detentions. And Dad has stopped subtly calling me a voyeur in his letters. Life is good, I tell you. All us members of the SSS decided not to do any more tasks (except for the love letters) for the time being, in case Professor Snape decides to snuff me proper. But I got something done today that could count as a task, although self-assigned.  
  
I was walking in the hallway during passing time, just minding my own business. I was thinking that a new task would probably be given to me soon, so I just happened to be wondering what it would be. Then, to my pleasant surprise, I somehow found myself walking behind Professor Snape (and hoping he didn't notice me and snuff me proper, G. Don't ask, it's just something Colin was talking about.) As I was saying, that luscious rump was right in front of me, and suddenly I couldn't think of anything else. It was right there. I had this urge to touch it, like something was pulling at my muscles.  
  
Well, this was probably a bad thing to do, considering my track record already, but I just couldn't help it. I couldn't think! I mean, it's like that ass was hypnotizing me! I just sort of... Reached out and spanked him. I would have enjoyed it much better if he had been bent over my knee, and if I didn't have to run and hide afterwards, but that's the way of the world.  
  
When I spanked him, though, it was unexpectedly loud. And I didn't even do it that hard! I just sort of... Reached out and gave it a quick tap. And it practically echoed! Everyone who saw or heard it stopped, especially Snape, so before he could turn around I quickly ducked into the crowd. Needless to say, the fourth year Hufflepuff who was standing behind me is currently without his head.  
  
I told the others about it, and they all applauded my efforts (and the fact that I escaped being torn into pieces) except, of course, for Colin. Who was (despite his protests) jealous. I mean, it couldn't be more obvious if he stood up and screamed, "Why don't you ever spank me?" But I'm still not giving in. I stick by my resolution.  
  
And, of all things, now that "snuff you proper" thing is stuck in my head. Whenever I think of that, it puts the image of a cartoonish candle snuffer about to put out a candle, saying, "I'm gonna snuff you proper," in my head. Which is taking up valuable room that could be used for images of Professor Snape's... student.  
  
Yes, life is good.  
  
* ~ October 31 ~ *  
  
Happy Halloween! Well, I have a sordid conversation with Professors Snape and Lupin to tell about (and no, it's not one that I made up) along with a startling announcement. Sordid conversation first, right? Right.  
  
So, yesterday I was finally given another task to complete. Speak to Snape using only sexual innuendos. For the next week. A little mild compared to some other things I've done, I know, but... Well, we thought it best to keep it mellow for now. And this task just happened to commence in the presence of Professor Lupin. But I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
I was going to Professor Lupin's office for some extra help (it's so much easier to get some alone time with him) and I was very excited about it. I was hoping he'd drop something and have to bend over for it. Yum. So, I walk into the office (after knocking; I'm not that rude) and Professor Snape is there, giving Professor Lupin (some hot loving) a steaming goblet of what I would assume is Wolfsbane potion. Commence task. "Good evening, Professors." Courage, Nadia.  
  
"Hello, Nadia," Professor Lupin greeted amiably.  
  
"Miss Page," Professor Snape grunted, scowling, before turning back to Lupin. "Well, there's your potion. I'll be on my way."  
  
"That's rather rude, don't you think, Professor?" I prayed I wouldn't be hexed. And tried not to snigger.  
  
"...Hm?"  
  
"I mean, leaving your dirty goblet here after giving it to him so quickly?" There was dead silence, and I could see Lupin's eyebrows fly up, while Snape started going red in the ears.  
  
"What. Do. You. Mean. Miss Page?" he ground out.  
  
"Nothing. I just thought it would take longer to give it to Professor Lupin, sir." The side of Lupin's mouth quirked up just a bit.  
  
"Excuse me?" Snape wasn't as amused.  
  
"Not that I'm saying it was too fast- but have you checked your cauldron lately, Professor? Perhaps there's a... leak in it?"  
  
"Miss Page!"  
  
"Perhaps you could use a little help with that cauldron of yours, Severus." Heart. Stopped. That was Lupin teasing Snape! Oh, what fun. He took a sip from the goblet and grimaced slightly. "Not satisfying at all. And far too thin." I proceeded to orgasm. With a low growl, Snape swept out of the office, robes billowing sexily- er- impressively. I turned back to Professor Lupin, who was grinning ever so slightly.  
  
"Er... I suppose Professor Snape needed to stir his potion a little." He made a soft (adorable) sound that resembled a laugh, though it was too quiet to hear well.  
  
"Indeed. Please, Nadia, have a seat." I did. Too bad Professor Snape wasn't there first (wink.)  
  
"So. Here's my essay so far." I dumped the jumbled research on his desk. "Guide me." I'm sure if it were a Japanese cartoon he would have sweat dropped.  
  
"Er... Rather direct approach, I see."  
  
"Well, you know, asphodel and all."  
  
"...Of course." He glanced down at my monstrosity, grimaced, then conjured a tea service. "Tea?" I accepted and off we went into the sunset. Oh, just an off-topic comment: I'd love to see Professor Snape bugger him. And I know that Professor Lupin's into men, so I can spend plenty of time dreaming about it.  
  
Anyway, he helped me out with my essay on... Whatever it was. Eh, it's done now, so I don't have to worry about it. He has really nice eyes, though. If I were a gay man, I'd be all over him. I thanked him for the help and got up to leave, but he invited me to sit down again and offered more tea. "Professor?" I inquired unaware of his motives.  
  
"I just thought we could talk a bit, Nadia." Aha. Self-appointed guidance counselor, I supposed. Though I didn't see why he'd think anything was wrong.  
  
"Alright, then." Silence ensued. "...So... How about that... Quidditch team... Puddlemore United... And... Etcetera..." I gave up and returned to my tea.  
  
"...Weather's nice," he commented airily. I nodded. "With the... the sky... and such..." There was more silence between us. Finally, I got fed up.  
  
"Oh, hell! This is ridiculous!" I set down my cup because I knew that any more tea would result in problems with bladder control. "Just what did you want to talk about, anyway?" Professor Lupin blinked a bit, then cleared his throat.  
  
"I just thought that perhaps we could get to know each other a bit better." I hesitated before letting my true feelings show.  
  
"Horse shit." He blinked. "That is to say... Horse shit, sir."  
  
"Well... Is there anything wrong?" I knew it.  
  
"Not really. I mean, there's nothing new."  
  
"Oh... Well, I just thought that something might be wrong. You seem to be lashing out at Professor Snape an awful lot." I blinked, trying to hold back laughter.  
  
"I... er... Hadn't noticed." I wrung my hands in my lap.  
  
"I see. And how is your schoolwork going?"  
  
"Fairly well." I was starting to get frustrated with the awkward pauses. "And how are you, Professor?" He blinked.  
  
"Oh... I'm fine." He shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Any new boyfriends?" What can I say? I was curious. He choked a bit on his tea, which he happened to be drinking at the moment.  
  
"I- you-" He paused. "No. I've just ended a relationship."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that." He nodded and there was more silence. I could tell he'd only answered my question to encourage me to say something. Persistent little bugger. I decided to change the subject. "So I was thinking a lot about the N.E.W.T.s, lately."  
  
"Is that why you've been asking for extra help outside of classes?" I nodded.  
  
"I want to do very well." He hummed a bit.  
  
"You've certainly signed up for enough N.E.W.T. level classes." I nodded.  
  
"I want to be well rounded." As in, I have no idea what I want to work as.  
  
"Do you have an idea of what you want to do after school?" Aside from being Professor Snape's sex slave?  
  
"No."  
  
"Really? No idea?"  
  
"Well. Anything but a housewife, I suppose." I paused for a moment. "But no celibacy. And no blue collar work. Not permanently, at least." He chuckled a bit.  
  
"It's not very specific."  
  
"Well, I have plenty of time to decide. How on Earth everyone expects us to decide what to do for the rest of our lives while we're so swamped with school work and testing, I have no idea. I'm just doing what I have to now. There'll be time later to think about my future in the long-term." He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"No one's pressured you?"  
  
"Plenty of people. But my dad told me to do what feels right to me. Deciding what to center my life on for the next hundred years or so just doesn't seem like something I can choose overnight. I want to give it the proper thought, first." He rubbed his chin. Sex.  
  
"I see. Your father sounds like a smart person."  
  
"He is, but he's a little off his rocker, as well." I yawned slightly. It was getting late.  
  
"I believe I've kept you a bit too long." He stood up, and I took that as my signal to leave. "It was nice talking to you, Nadia. I'll see you in class."  
  
"Uhuh." I yawned again. "Night, Professor."  
  
Which brings me to today. There was no potions class, which I was thankful for, because I could swear that Professor Snape kept glaring at me all through breakfast. Classes were boring, of course, except for Defense Against the Dark Arts. We learned about (Mmm!) curses. And performed some on each other. It was actually a lot of fun, since I don't like many of my peers and I'm probably the only Ravenclaw girl in our year other than Luna who has any duelling experience. Oh, the delicious revenge. I was in such a good mood by the end of the class that on the way out, I gave Professor Lupin a little wink. I even went so far as to say, "Have fun with Professor Snape's goblet tonight," on my way out. I think I saw him grin, but I didn't really get a good look.  
  
After classes, Luna and I met Ginny and Colin in the library, where we discussed further tasks for me to perform. There weren't really any solid ideas, so we all worked together to write the next love letter. There were a few really good lines in there. I think it was one of the best ones yet.  
  
When the letter was finished, Luna and Ginny both made their excuses and left. I think they've actually started trying to leave Colin and me alone together. So, then Colin whipped out this photo album he had with him, and told me that he developed some more pictures that he wanted to show me. Of course, the beginning of it is a bunch of pictures of Harry Potter, looking either surprised or disgruntled, but he appears less and less as the album goes on.  
  
Colin flipped to the back of it, and there was a picture of me with the most horrible expression on my face, ever. "That's when you attacked me," he verified. I grinned.  
  
"You deserved it. You and your demon camera." He shook his head and flipped to the next page. Actually, this particular set seemed to have an abnormal amount of pictures of me. And there were a few of me with Professor Snape, ooh!  
  
"I got a good shot of him looking disgruntled when you pulled that flirting stunt in the hallway. And there's Professor Lupin in the background- look- he's laughing!" He was laughing in the picture. I like Professor Lupin even more, now.  
  
"You should really do this professionally, Colin," I told him.  
  
"I'm going to." After a bit, we got to the last page. "This is... er... you and me. Together." I remember when Ginny insisted upon taking that picture, out on the Quidditch field. I really don't see why she would want to do such a thing. "You know I was thinking that... Er... That maybe..." He trailed off, biting his lip. Why couldn't he just say it already?  
  
"What?" I asked innocently.  
  
"That... Since tomorrow's a Hogsmeade weekend... That maybe we could... Could..." He gulped. "Go as a group, with Ginny and Luna, and- and get supplies for future tasks. That- that's a good idea, right?"  
  
"Right," I answered flatly, completely aware of the fact that he chickened out. It's so frustrating, waiting for him to cave in. Maybe Professor Lupin can give me some advice. Heh.  
  
So, I made an excuse and left. Nothing much happened until the Halloween feast. I was sitting next to Luna, indulging in my sweet tooth during dessert, when Dumbledore suddenly called attention to the room. I sighed, ready for a boring speech to commence, and started amusing myself by counting things.  
  
With a grand gesture, Dumbledore stood up and began his speech, which was boring, as predicted, so I didn't quite listen. However, after a few minutes, I heard something along the lines of, "Blah blah Yule Ball," and decided to pay closer attention. I suppose this means that a lot more people will be staying at school for Christmas than last year. A few minutes more, and the speech was done.  
  
I started to think of the possibilities. This was definitely going to lead to an improvement on both the Colin front and the SSS front. That would explain why I needed dress robes this year. And here I thought it would be for some silly going away ceremony. I'm glad they're not ugly. Of course, we'll need to discuss the effect this announcement will have on our tasks in Hogsmeade tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.  
  
* ~ November 1 ~ *  
  
Hogsmeade today. Luna and I waded through the crowd in the entrance hall for over five minutes before we spotted Colin and Ginny, immersed in conversation. We made our way over, being jostled and bumped the whole time, until we finally came to a halt. They stopped their conversation and said hello to us before Filch started shouting at people and we were off.  
  
I've always liked going to Hogsmeade, especially Honeydukes'. I just happen to have an enormous sweet tooth, and a shop full of candy is just the thing to satisfy it. But I digress.  
  
Upon arriving, we made a beeline for the Three Broomsticks, so we could sit down and discuss future tasks. It was crowded and noisy, as usual, so we found a booth in the corner and ordered some butterbeers. Once we were settled in with our drinks, the conversation turned to business matters. "Any ideas?" Colin asked, leaning back in his seat and sipping his butterbeer. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to act... macho.  
  
"I've got one," Ginny said, grinning.  
  
"...What?" I asked. "Does it involve any more voyeurism?"  
  
"Actually, it has to do with the Yule Ball." I waited. "Ask him to go with you."  
  
"Oh, come on," Colin muttered.  
  
"And at the ball," Ginny continued, ignoring him, "ask him to dance."  
  
"I suppose I could..." It sounded like it would get a bit of a rise out of him, which would be rather funny.  
  
"He'd never go for it," Colin grumbled.  
  
"It's the principle," Ginny replied, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Well, still." She only let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Let's go to Zonko's," Luna suddenly piped up. "We can get some dungbombs and hair growth potion." We all agreed and so finished our butterbeers and went on our way.  
  
After we stepped out of Zonko's, the most amazing thing happened. I happened to look to my right, and there was Professor Snape, prowling off to some side street. "I'll be right back; I need to get a book," I said quickly before setting off after him. I think I'm really getting into the spirit of things. Anyway, it was much less crowded on the side street, but I still wasn't spotted as I followed him, gradually catching up.  
  
Catching up, though, wasn't working out well. You see, I was trying to get closer to Professor Snape, but it was rather difficult to do so without being noticed. All I needed to do was get a little closer... Just a little closer... And, suddenly, he turned and another obstruction was shoved in my way. Something brownish and patched. That I bowled straight into and fell on top of. "Er... Hello, Professor Lupin. Lovely day for a walk, don't you think?" He stared blankly up at me. And then Colin entered the picture.  
  
When he walked onto the scene, his mouth fell open and his eyes went wide. "Hello, Judas!" We both stared at him.  
  
"Colin... You watch the Golden Girls?" I actually like that show a lot.  
  
"Er... Of course not. I mean- come on. Bea Arthur's in it!" I stared at him. That is, until I heard Professor Lupin clearing his throat, and realized that I was still on top of his sexy body.  
  
"Oh! I'm sorry, Professor!" I quickly scrambled off him and stood up. "I just... Er..."  
  
"Mistook me for Professor Snape?" he offered in a deceptively innocent tone.  
  
"Er... No. Of course not. That's crazy. You're crazy, Professor! Heh." And so I crumbled under pressure.  
  
"I see. So you weren't... Following him at all?"  
  
"Pff. No. Really, Professor, you so crazy, I think I wanna have yo' babies!" Except I didn't really say that last part.  
  
"Alright. I just don't want to see any disasters."  
  
"Like that time you punched Malfoy in the face," Colin added.  
  
"That was an accident," I protested immediately. Professor Lupin raised his eyebrows, but didn't ask any questions.  
  
"Ah, well... I'd better be on my way. There's a book I've been needing for a while now, and it's in high demand." He seemed ready to go when he almost collided with Professor Snape, who was now holding a brown paper bag. I would have liked to see that, heh.  
  
"Watch it, Lupin," he growled, protectively holding the bag close to his side. With a venomous glare, directed mostly at... Well, me, actually... He prowled off.  
  
"That was spooky," Colin stated. "I'm out of here. We'll be back at the Three Broomsticks, when you're done getting that book. Bye, Professor." He walked away, wavng a bit. I realized that this left me alone with Professor Lupin. Yay! I was thinking that perhaps if I spend enough time with him then maybe he could be the hot gay friend that every girl wants.  
  
So, I went to the book store... With Professor Lupin! Woo! I've somehow gotten onto his good side, apparently (though it's not a very difficult thing to do,) but I still have to wonder... Why? Oh well. All I know is this: he is one hot piece of werewolf ass. Oh yes. Especially in the color blue. And not that wimpy, fluffy, baby blue. I'm talking about deep, dark, rich tones.  
  
Ahem. Anyway... It was actually a lot of fun, but then, I've always associated the word "fun" with "bookstore." I could spend five hours in a bookstore without getting bored at all, and I have. Books have just always been a passion of mine. Add Professor Lupin into the mix and that's quite a bit of passion you've got there.  
  
Well, as I was saying, I accompanied Professor Lupin to the bookstore, and the moment we walked in, I made a beeline for the erotica section. Sorry, but I'm just a sucker for kinky romances. Well, when he saw what I was looking at, he turned a faint shade of red and sort of just sidled away to a different section. "Oh, look," he commented uncomfortably as he flipped through some inane book, "there's instructions on how to... make a wicker basket. How... Useful."  
  
"Uhuh," I replied, intently flipping through a rather interesting book I'd found. "I'd tell you about the instructions in here, Professor, but I think it would be violating the boundaries of the student/teacher relationship." He let out a weak laugh and fumbled for a new book. Ah, I love that deer-in-headlights look. It suits just about any face.  
  
When there wasn't anything I felt like buying in the erotica section, I moved on to greener pastures. Meaning, the gay/lesbian part of the psychology section. Eventually, I came across a book entitled The Joy of Gay Sex and, delighted at my discovery, pulled it from the shelf. There were some very nice pictures. "Professor, look what I found." I held the book up for him to see (my wicked side wanting to embarrass him simply to see that cute little flush on his face.)  
  
He glanced up at it, and with barely a thought replied, "I have that already." RAPELICIOUS. He then did a double take, turned red, and hid his face behind a transfiguration manual. Professor Lupin is SO hot gay friend material. Most definitely. And he's so cuddly!  
  
Anyway, I ended up buying a book about men's first times with other men, and Professor Lupin had some... Non-sexual book. It didn't interest me. I was happy that I wasn't buying it with my dad... He would make fun of me so much. And then probably read it on the way home. Thinking about that gave me the willies, so I immediately refrained, bid good day to Professor Lupin, and scampered off to the Thee Broomsticks.  
  
I found Colin sitting at a table alone (he said that Ginny and Luna were off at a robe shop somewhere) and after joining him, read aloud to him from my new book. Needless to say, he turned bright red and covered his ears. That look rather suits him, I think. After a bit, Ginny and Luna joined us, and we ended the day with a trip to Honeydukes' and some passionate love making. Minus that last part.  
  
Well, that's about it. An exciting adventure fit for the history books, no? Right. I really need to polish off that Honeydukes' stash; I am PMSing something fierce! And, of course, it is now officially November, which means... BIRTHDAY MONTH. The candy is a more pressing issue, though. Toodles.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Next chapter: A birthday surprise, a Ravenclaw Quidditch match, and Colin FINALLY gets in the game. It's about damn time, Colin.  
  
The spanking part is dedicated to my first period teacher, because it was inspired entirely by his delicious ass and my urge to spank him whenever he's near. And props to Jackie Chan Adventures for the "you're crazy" thing. I just think it's so cute when he says that. Right... I'm probably the only slash loving pervert who watches that show. Blah. Happy Chinese New Year. 


	5. Finally, Some Action

Alright, here's chapter five. Yay. We're all happy. Call it a Valentine's Day present. Colin's finally going to (feebly) make his move. You should all applaud my skill in building suspense. Ta-da. Alright, bye.  
  
Disclaimer: You know, *wink wink*  
  
~  
  
Chapter 5: Finally, Some Action  
  
~  
  
* ~ November 7 ~ *  
  
I have detention for being disrespectful to Professor Snape. In other words, I had potions class and the sexual innuendo task was still in effect. I wasn't really paying attention in class (instead pondering the firmness of his backside) and he called on me, obviously sensing my inattentiveness. So, forced to tell him the uses of jabberknoll feathers in a regeneration potion, I said, "You can put your feather in my potion anyday, Professor." There was stunned silence, which slowly gave way to laughter. Then, after answering the question correctly, I was given detention with Professor Snape himself. Ahhh, *swoon!*  
  
Other than that, there are no new tasks to report, but there was plenty of interaction with Professor Snape. Today was the big day. Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw Quidditch match. There was going to be a big turn- out, I could feel it in my bones. And, of course, I was going to attend. Now, this is one competition I have no trouble choosing sides on. Definitely Slytherin all the way. Yeah, I know, I probably should be rooting for my house, but I refuse to. I hate every single person on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. Hate them. I absolutely abhor every single one of those prude, prissy, idiotic... Ahem. Can't get too off-track. Anyway, I ventured out to the Quidditch pitch to take my seat, glancing over at the Slytherin section, and wonder of wonders, there was Professor Snape, ready for the taking! Well, by that I mean the seat beside him was empty. Hell, not if I could help it.  
  
I plopped down in the seat next to him, smiling cheerfully in the bitter cold winds. "Good afternoon, Professor," I greeted. "Nice day for a Quidditch match, isn't it?" He looked around at me, sneering, then blinked slowly. I merely grinned as I adjusted my green scarf and straightened my little Slytherin flag.  
  
"Miss Page... Are you, or are you not, in Ravenclaw?" He seemed rather irritated by my support of Slytherin.  
  
"Yes, I'm in Ravenclaw," I answered casually, pulling on a nice warm green hat, with a silver hem and a little silver puff at the end.  
  
"Perhaps, then, you would like to explain why you are sitting in the Slytherin section, wearing Slytherin colors, and holding that little banner." He eyed it with mild disgust.  
  
"To be honest," I answered truthfully, "I don't like the Ravenclaw Quidditch team."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Nope. Not a bit. Besides, I've got to have some family pride. I do, after all, come from a long line of Slytherins."  
  
"Regretfully." He crossed his arms and glared out at the Quidditch pitch.  
  
"Why, Professor! I do believe you just conversed with me. My, my, my. Soon I'll be needing to beat you off with a stick." Heehee... Beat him off...  
  
"Miss Page..." he warned angrily. However, anything else he was about to say was cut off with the almost deafening sound of Madam Hooch's whistle. Suddenly, the Quidditch pitch was covered in blurs of blue and green, and the crowds were cheering wildly. The first few minutes were tense and exciting, with the quaffle being passed back and forth between the teams. I was only half listening to the commentator as I watched Persephone Wyatt, a snobby bitch I am forced to share a dormitory with, take hold of the quaffle and speed towards the Slytherin goalposts. I hoped fiercely that she'd be knocked off her broom by a bludger, but no such luck.  
  
"RAVENCLAW SCORES!" shouted the magically amplified voice from nearby. The rest of the stadium cheered, while the Slytherins burst into boos and hisses. I jumped up and joined them, pulling faces at Persephone, who was eyeing me with contempt. Then, the game was underway again. Persephone once more had possession of the quaffle, and there was a beater right near us, with a bludger heading straight for him.  
  
"KNOCK HER OFF HER BROOM!!!" I screamed. The Slytherin beater seemed to have heard me, because that's exactly what he did- and I cheered loudest of them all. "AHAHAHA!!" I was very happy. She looked like she might need to go to the hospital wing.  
  
"Miss Page," Professor Snape suddenly scolded, eyeing me strangely, "calm down."  
  
"I'm no more excited than the Slytherins, sir," I answered as politely as I could.  
  
"You most decidedly are," he retorted, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Well... I hate her," I concluded.  
  
"SLYTHERIN SCORES!"  
  
"WHOOO!! GO SLYTHERIN!!!" I waved my little flag around, which was enchanted to play a little rendition of "A Pirate's Life for Me" whenever I did so. Professor Snape glanced over at me, eyeing the flag with something like recognition on his face... But I didn't really have time to analyze his expressions, as Slytherin had just scored again. "Yesss!" Normally, I'm not so rabid a Quidditch fan, but I thoroughly enjoy watching people I hate being shamed and embarrassed. Even more than that, though, I enjoy sitting next to Professor Snape. Awww, he looked so happy (for him, I mean.) That satisfied little smirk is so cute.  
  
When the Ravenclaw beater missed a bludger and it hit a chaser, he sneered and muttered, "Imbeciles," under his breath. I, unable to keep my opinion to myself, decided that it was fairly safe to speak to him when his attention was directed elsewhere.  
  
"May I say, Professor Snape, that you look absolutely adorable today?" Slowly, oh so slowly, he squeezed his eyes shut, grimaced, and turned to glare at me.  
  
"Miss Page. Five points from Ravenclaw. I forbid you to speak." Then he turned back to the game, subtley edging away from me. I watched the game as well, hoping desperately that the new Slytherin seeker would catch the snitch. If she was even half as good as Draco, she'd be able to get it.  
  
Suddenly, there were gasps from the crowd as the Slytherin seeker sped upwards, chasing something that glinted gold in the sunlight. I held my breath as the Ravenclaw seeker caught up to her, right on her tail... They were neck in neck... And then... The Slytherin seeker caught the snitch! She caught it! "SLYTHERIN WINS!" shouted the commentator (who was actually quite happy, since he was a Slytherin.)  
  
"SLYTHERIN WINS!!!" I cheered with the (small) crowd, throwing my arms around Professor Snape and jumping up and down on my seat. "SLYTHERIN WINS!!!"  
  
"GET OFF OF ME YOU BARMY GIRL!!"  
  
"WHOOOOO!!! YEAH SLYTHERIN!!!!!" I was ignoring his desperate attempts to escape, and when I (still screaming with the Slytherins and using their victory as an excuse to do so) kissed him on the cheek he nearly fell over. "SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN!" The crowd was chanting; after all, winning this Quidditch match put the Slytherin team ahead in the Quidditch and House Cup.  
  
"THIRTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!" Professor Snape managed to bellow over the roaring crowd before we were trampled by an influx of Slytherins rushing to get down to the Quidditch pitch. By the time the crowd had subsided, Professor Snape and I were both on the ground, and my left leg was pleasantly draped over his right. He growled a bit and kicked my leg away, standing up and brushing himself off. "You..." He trailed off, seemingly unable to complete his sentence. "You..." His hands shook a bit.  
  
"Some help, Professor?" I asked innocently, holding out a hand.  
  
"No." And he swept off. Gar. So, I pushed myself to my feet and walked to the edge of the stands, where I leaned against the rail and watched him prowl across the Quidditch pitch. What a nice body... and his cheek was so warm. Well, he can't get away from me that easily; my detention is tonight. Heh.  
  
So, after being glared at by all of my housemates (well, more like almost the entire school) for supporting Slytherin throughout dinner, I set off on my wonderous adventure... aka detention. I knocked, I walked in, I was glared at some more, this time by Professor Snape. He indicated a bucket of murky water and a scrub brush, sitting next to me. "I want to be able to see my face in this floor when you're done." Not likely, unless he had a reflection charm in mind. "No magic allowed." Apparently not.  
  
"Thank you, sir." He glanced up at me, raising a cautious eyebrow. "I'm a masochist." Slightly redder than before, he turned back to the papers he was grading, gritting his teeth. Of course, I'm not really a masochist, but it just seemed like an amusing thing to say.  
  
Anyway, I got to scrubbing the floor, reciting in my head a list of all my favorite books at the moment and their authors, followed by possible scenarios where gay romance might be inserted. It was a nice distraction from scrubbing the floors, though I'd done worse whenever my mum went into one of her psychotic cleaning frenzies. Which is usually preceeded by Dad doing something extremely magical. I know that there are many different ways to deal with stress, but... Cleaning? Come on.  
  
I glanced up at Professor Snape when I was over halfway done, and he seemed to be concentrating rather intensely on some sort of letter. As I scrubbed, I moved slowly closer to him, hoping to maybe catch a glimpse of the letter... Or touch his butt. You know, whichever comes first. Unfortunately, as I was moving into position, he swore and crumpled the letter into a ball, incinerating it. Then he stood up, and, looking very annoyed, glared directly at me. "You may go, Miss Page." Followed by him swooping out of the room. And swooping is definitely the way to describe it. Sexy. Well, I'm not one to turn down a free pass, so I was out of there more quickly than... Something quick. I'm not in the mood for similes or metaphors at the moment.  
  
When I finally got back to the common room, I looked around for only a moment before I spotted Luna in a cozy seat in front of the fire. I plopped down beside her, eyeing her suspiciously as she held some sort of lump of fabric in her hands, concentrating on sewing. "Hey, Luna," I greeted. She nodded towards me, saying nothing as she continued with her project. "...What's that?" Then she looked at me with that glimmer in her eyes; the one that meant another task was fast approaching.  
  
"Puppets," she informed me dreamily. I sat immobile for a few moments, staring at her, before I finally found my voice.  
  
"...What? ...Puppets?"  
  
"Yes," she replied. "Puppet show." She gestured towards the end table next to her chair, where I noticed, for the first time, a small likeness of Professor Snape. It was a Snape puppet.  
  
"Oh my God..." I muttered. "No. No. There is no way. Ever." I refuse to humiliate myself with such a demeaning act. "And what does it have to do with confessing my undying love, anyway?" That was when she held up the puppet she'd been sewing for me to see; it looked an awful lot like me... "NO." Luna put another few stitches into place, then bit the string and tied it off, slipping the puppet onto her hand. Then, she slid her other hand into the Snape puppet and made then dance around a bit before kissing. "No, no, no, no, no!"  
  
"I love you," she imitated in a squeaking voice, making my puppet bounce to indicate that she was the one talking. "Go away!" she replied to herself in a gruff voice, waving the Snape puppet about. "Stupid girl!"  
  
"This is ridiculous," I grumbled, watching the display with mild disgust. "I refuse to do it." She only shrugged.  
  
"I was bored." Oh, thank GOD. "It can be a backup." Sometimes I wonder if Luna wasn't better suited for Slytherin. Anyway... No more write. Mah.  
  
* ~ November 27 ~ *  
  
Happy Birthday to me, aww yeah! Slow-going with the SSS but IT'S MY 18th BIRTHDAY! Eighteen, because Mum wanted me to go to some special primary school, and I just narrowly missed the cut off. So I had to wait another year. Dad wasn't to pleased about that, I remember.  
  
As I was saying... It was a rather fun birthday, to be sure. And the last class of the day just happened to be potions, so that was a wonderful, beautiful thing. So, I got up this morning and got dressed, so on and so forth, and waited patiently at the breakfast table for the post to arrive.  
  
Sure enough, when the post owls flew into the Great Hall, there was a spot of yellow among them. Not many people know that fwoopers are very good for delivering the post. Anyway, Sweetheart (the fwooper) landed on the table with a package and two letters, giving me a long-suffering look as I untied them, before devouring all of my bacon and swooping out of the room. Though, before she left, she made a quick stop to peck Professor Snape in the head. Bwahaha! That was priceless. Especially watching him swear and bat her away.  
  
When I looked at the letters, though, I couldn't suppress an exasperated sigh. There was one from Mum and one from Dad. I opened Mum's first, which told me that Dad had planned something completely inappropriate (in other words, the best present ever) but, luckily, she had stopped him in time to send me something befitting of an intelligent young woman. I opened the package to find two books. One: a comprehensive guide on how to get a secondary school education without actually attending, and the other: a second comprehensive guide, this one of muggle universities around the world. Whoopee. I don't actually plan to go to muggle university. I want to pursue a career/life in the wizarding world, so there. I'll punch your heart out, Ha-ha!  
  
Dad's letter was a bit less... Prim. He explained to me that Mum was having one of her "my daughter's a horrible failure" fits, since one of the cousins was talking about how her son just performed brain surgery or something of the sort, and promised that the real goods would be along soon. He also mentioned an angry letter he'd gotten home from the school, and congratulated me profusely for instigating it. (Definitely the work of Professor Snape.) He was apparently very amused by said letter.  
  
Anyway, History of Magic (for two hours, no less) was a bore. It killed me. Lunch was such a relief, and Ginny and Colin even stopped off at the Ravenclaw table for a chat. After wishing me a happy birthday, they brought up the need for a "special birthday task." Many long minutes were spent contemplating this until, at last...  
  
"I've got it!" Ginny exclaimed. "You can act like you're angry at Snape- don't talk to him or even look at him, not even when he asks a question. When he asks why, tell him that you're angry at him for forgetting your birthday." Hmm, not a bad idea. So, I agreed.  
  
Soon, it was time for potions. As opposed to my usual behavior, I was one of the last people to class. When I got there, I slammed my bag on my desk and unpacked as loudly as possible, then sat down, acting agitated. I didn't even look up; I just kept my eyes on the desk and crossed my arms, frowning. There were a few murmurs, ("What's her problem?") but for the most part I was paid no attention. Then, the lesson began and I fought down the urge to stare at Professor Snape, which was very difficult, since his voice was particularly sexy that class. I stared at my desk the whole time, though I listened intently, and at important points of his lecture I snorted loudly. Finally, he began to ask questions.  
  
"Miss Page, how many milliliters of undiluted bubotuber puss would it take to neutralize sixty grams of powdered doxy wings?" Steeling myself, I ignored him, staring down at the desk as if he hadn't said anything at all. After a few moments of silence, I heard soft footsteps slowly approaching. "I wonder, Miss Page, if my voice penetrates that thick skull of yours?" I said nothing in reply. "You will answer me now." I continued to stare at the desk. "Ten points from Ravenclaw. Now, answer me." La, la, la, I can't hear you. "Is there something wrong with you, Miss Page?"  
  
"Yes!" I suddenly burst out, slamming my hands on my desk. I swallowed the fear that was bubbling up at the prospect of my task and the fact that the whole room was staring at me.  
  
"Pardon?" His tone was dangerous now.  
  
"Don't act like you don't know!" I stood up suddenly, knocking my chair over, and glared at him; he looked absolutely furious.  
  
"What are you on about?"  
  
"Do you have any idea what day it is?!?" I shrilled, raising my voice. I must say, I'm a better actress than I thought.  
  
"...Friday?" He still looked ready to strangle me, but also looked slightly bewildered.  
  
"My birthday!" I spat. Now he looked completely bewildered. "My eighteenth birthday! And you forgot! You completely forgot!"  
  
"Miss Page-"  
  
"You're an insensitive, inconsiderate buffoon!" I then proceeded to snatch my bag and storm out of the classroom, sniggering following me as I left. I turned back for a few seconds to look through the crack of the door and saw Professor Snape standing rigid, looking confused and outraged, then continued on my way. I went back to the Ravenclaw common room and spent the rest of the class time doing homework.  
  
At lunch, I was ready to settle down and discuss the SSS with Luna, when Professor Snape approached me. My first feeling was curiosity, which was followed immediately by dread. He stopped in front of me and leaned down close, scowling. I wanted to rape him. "Miss Page," he hissed in that soft, silky voice of his, "I am not quite certain what compelled your outburst in my class, but I will not tolerate such behavior. Twenty points from Ravenclaw, and a detention tonight. Report to my office in the dungeons at eight. Understood?" I nodded. He turned on his heel and stalked off, looking very agitated.  
  
After lunch, I told the story to Ginny and Colin, who both found it very amusing. We pondered the next task together, but came up empty. It was just as well, anyway... I still have to ask him to the Yule Ball, and I think Professor Snape might try to kill me soon, if I keep this up. Although, that isn't exactly anything new. Nothing else really interesting happened the rest of the day.  
  
I arrived that night at Professor Snape's office about five minutes early, only to find that the door was ajar and there were voices drifting out from within the room. I flattened myself against the wall and peered inside, listening carefully to the conversation. "If you ask me, the girl is insane!" Professor Snape was pacing the room, sneering. "It runs in the family, after all!"  
  
"Ah, but Severus, certainly you must remember what it is like to be young and in love." That was... Professor Dumbledore? I saw him follow Professor Snape across the room and out of sight, a bag of yellowish candies in his hand. "Lemon drop?"  
  
"Get that away from me!" he snarled in response. "And no, I certainly do not remember, nor do I wish to. This must be some sort of plot to drive me out of my mind!"  
  
"Now, Severus, not everyone is plotting against you."  
  
"Do you know what that wretched girl did today?"  
  
"Please, enlighten me." Dumbledore sounded rather pleasant.  
  
"She- She shouted at me for forgetting her birthday. Gods, Albus, I don't keep track of my students' birthdays! And she stormed out of my class! That girl is a menace, she's-"  
  
"Severus." Dumbledore gave an amused chuckle. "Try not to get so worked up. I have a simple solution to your problem."  
  
"What?" He sounded wary.  
  
"Apologize to Miss Page. After all, you did forget her birthday. Perhaps a birthday gift would help? I gather she's an avid reader, interested in potions... Like you, Severus." There was a long, tense silence.  
  
"Firstly, Albus," Professor Snape hissed, "I most definitely will not apologize. Secondly, there is no way in hell I am giving that troublesome brat a gift, and thirdly, she is nothing like me."  
  
"Well," Dumbledore replied in a hearty, cheerful tone, "if you change your mind, you can give her this." Ooh, what is it? "I shall see you tomorrow, Severus." There were footsteps, but then they stopped. "Oh, and one more thing."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do try not to fall in love quite yet." Ha! Now Dumbledore was making fun of him! It was hilarious! I could feel the younger professor's anger in the air even from where I stood, which was a very bad place to be at the time, considering Dumbledore was headed straight for me. I stepped away from the door in time to see it swing open, the Headmaster on the other side. "Ah, Miss Page. A very happy birthday to you, my dear." He gave me a smile and a bow as I worked out a feeble thanks, then walked away with more vitality than I've seen in men a quarter of his age.  
  
"Saccharine old fool..." I heard Professor Snape mutter. I peered in to see him holding a package that was neatly wrapped in purple paper, fuming.  
  
"What's that, Professor?" I asked innocently, indicating the package as I approached. His lips thinned and he shoved it into my hands, walking briskly to his desk.  
  
"You are not to open that in my presence," he growled. "Now, I want you to very carefully shell every one of the beetles in these jars." He indicated a row of jars I hadn't seen before, containing shining beetles suspended in greenish liquid. "If you have any trouble, tell me. I do not want you mucking this up." It sounded as if he wanted to use a far worse word than "mucking," which also happened to rhyme with it.  
  
So, I got to work doing as he said. I tried not to push him past the breaking point, since he was so irritated in the first place, but... Damn, I wanted to know what was in that package. I worked as quickly and silently as I could, and managed to finish within a reasonable amount of time, without incurring Professor Snape's wrath once. I cleaned off my hands and, glancing up, saw that he was quite involved in scratching large red X's over some unfortunate student's essay.  
  
With barely contained glee (and keeping one eye on the professor) I opened it as quietly as I could (which was pretty damn quiet, since I've had practice.) I pulled out a thick volume- Moste Potente Potions! Dad has it in his personal collection, but he never let me look at it before. I had a feeling that he had something to do with it. Anyway, I was elated when I saw it. So much that I said, "Moste Potente Potions! Hell, yes!" Which, as one might expect, attracted Professor Snape's attention. Snarling, he descended upon me.  
  
"Where did you-" he suddenly stopped as he caught sight of the discarded wrapping paper, looking angrier than ever.  
  
"Thank you very much, Professor!" I exclaimed. "I forgive you!" I hopped up and, on an impulse, threw my arms around him in a tight (but brief) hug, then made my retreat before he could go into a screaming fit. On my way out, I managed to catch a glimpse of him with that deer-in- headlights look on his face, which provided me with many hearty giggles on my way back to Ravenclaw tower. Ah, what a fantastic birthday.  
  
* ~ December 3 ~ *  
  
Alright, well... I'm sort of in shock. I finally pulled off that task. You know, asking Professor Snape to the Yule Ball. I did it after classes yesterday. I was fairly confident in my ability to get through the situation without being hexed, seeing as rather than trying to rip my head off after the birthday incident, he seemed to be avoiding me. Which is really cute and kind of makes me feel like a stalker. If I wasn't one already. So, allow me to describe the task... And the surprising event afterwards. I.E.: Colin finally growing a backbone.  
  
I nervously knocked on the door to the potions classroom, assuming that Professor Snape would be lingering after his last class. "Enter!" came the agitated voice of the professor. I gulped, then walked into the classroom, trying to muster up some confidence during the trek to his desk. His quill paused in its dance across the parchment and he looked up at me, scowling. "What is it, Miss Page?" I tried to coax myself to relax, but instead settled on hiding my shaking hands behind my back.  
  
"I hope I'm not disturbing anything, Professor."  
  
"Of course you are!" he snapped. "Now, what do you want from me?" Okay, deep breath...  
  
"I'm sure you know of the Yule Ball by now-"  
  
"Fanciful rot, the lot of it," he grumbled, turning back to his parchment.  
  
"Yes, well, be that as it may... Would you accompany me to the dance?" This time, the quill fell onto the desk, splattering some ink. Slowly, his form rigid, he looked up at me, a searching expression in his eyes.  
  
"...Excuse me?"  
  
"I asked you if-"  
  
"I heard you quite clearly the first time," he snapped, a sneer springing onto his face. "And I wonder... What would possess you to ask such a thing of me?" I thought quickly, and decided to settle for innocent ignorance.  
  
"What, did someone ask you already?" I replied, looking disappointed.  
  
"Of course not!" he snarled. "Now get out of my sight!"  
  
"Is that a yes or a no?"  
  
"It is a NO! Now get out!" He looked rather livid, which was sexy, so I backed up a bit, then walked out with as much dignity as I could possibly muster at the moment. When I exited, I sighed, heading up to the Great Hall and feeling... well... Rejected.  
  
"Hey! Nadia! Hold up!" I stopped and waited for Colin to catch up with me. "Are you headed to lunch?" I nodded, my mind lingering on the task I had just carried out. For some reason, although I had expected it, I was rather disappointed that Professor Snape had turned me down. "Oh, well... Er... Could you spare a moment? I want to talk to you..."  
  
"About the task, right?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Would you come out to the courtyard with me?"  
  
"Sure." I was only half-present when I walked with him out to the courtyard, flurries floating down and coating the ground in a light powder.  
  
"So, uh... How'd it go?" he asked uncomfortably, stopping and turning to face me.  
  
"He said no and told me off, as expected." A grin spread across Colin's face.  
  
"Imagine if he'd said yes?" It would be rather funny, now that I thought of it. We both laughed, but it was kind of feeble. Colin grimaced a bit, rubbing the back of his neck and flushing a bright pink. "So... Er... I was thinking..." I waited silently. "You wanna... I dunno... Go to the Yule Ball with... me?" I was expecting it, but I was still taken by surprise. After all, I didn't think he'd ever get up the nerve to ask me. I studied Colin for a moment; he's always been rather cute, and he looked quite endearing with snowflakes stuck in his hair and on his eyelashes. He was starting to look worried about my hesitation.  
  
"Alright," I finally answered.  
  
"...Really?" he breathed, his eyes widening.  
  
"Yes," I insisted, smiling a bit. Suddenly, I was being crushed in a tight hug; it was fortunate that it didn't last long, though, because I was starting to lose my breath.  
  
"I'll- I'll meet you in the entrance hall, then? Quarter to eight?" I nodded.  
  
"Sure, that sounds good." His smile was so radiant that it was almost blinding.  
  
"Great! I- er- can't wait." I nodded.  
  
"Yes, same here." There was a long, tense silence.  
  
"So," he muttered, rocking back on his heels. "Er... I should... Get some homework done. I'll... See you, then."  
  
"Right." Before he went, I kissed him on the cheek, and he blushed deeply, displaying a rather goofy grin as he wandered off.  
  
Well, that was basically it. I think it was a bit anticlimactic, but that's what the Yule Ball is for, I suppose. I sighed, made my way off to the common room, and lo and behold, bumped into Professor Lupin, who seemed to be in a rather chatty mood. "Oh, hello, Nadia," he greeted. "How are you?" You should be able to guess my reply. "Wonderful. I heard last week was your birthday?" I nodded. "Ah, congratulations. Anything else new?"  
  
"Colin finally started acting like a Gryffindor," I informed him. At his inquisitive look, I elaborated. "He asked me to the Yule Ball."  
  
"Ah, how wonderful."  
  
"Thanks." I smiled, the awkwardness from the few minutes with Colin finally seeping out of my system. "Do you have a date, Professor?"  
  
"Er- no- not exactly." He blushed, clearing his throat.  
  
"Well, I'd introduce you to a nice young man, but the only suitable, single man I can think of is my uncle Kristo, and he just happens to be a drunken priest. Which doesn't seem like your type, if you don't mind my saying so." He chuckled appreciatively.  
  
"No, most certainly not. Thank you for the consideration, though."  
  
After exchanging a few more pleasantries, we were on our separate ways. I managed to get back to my dorm and take a nice, long nap, follow by a nice, long bath in the prefects' bathroom. Ah, I just gotta love the perks. Now, I'm off to write some epic homosexual romance. Perhaps about Professors Snape and Lupin, heehee. Off I go!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
DOOM. I mean, that's it for chapter five. Next chapter: More antics, possibly the Yule Ball (I haven't decided yet) and if not, then most certainly in the next chapter. And pretty soon I may be posting the story of how Nadia met our dear Professor Snape for the first time. From Snape's POV. In the meantime...  
  
...A tribute to Dane Cook: He looked ready to continue our rapport when Professor Snape cleared his throat and we turned our attention to him. He had this expression on his face that clearly read, "Ummm... Helloooo?" I almost laughed aloud, imagining him saying it.  
  
But that won't happen for a while. Catch you's on the flipside. 


	6. Stabbing Joy

First off: Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful reviews! After that horrible car crash and debilitating nipple cancer, they're all that keeps me going. *Sniff!*  
  
Anyway... Ta-da! Chapter six! I know I said it would take a long time, but when I got back from vacation I had missed my computer so much that I took every chance I got to write this. And I neglected homework for it, so you'd all better damn well appreciate it! Anyway, no Yule Ball in this chapter, but there's plenty to tide you over. There's finally an explanation for Blaise Zabini's name popping up every now and then, and Snape gets stabbed! GASP! Don't worry, though, there are no life threatening wounds. *Snigger.* Plus, the dear Professor not-so-scowls at Nadia. DOUBLE GASP! Could he be going soft? Find all this out and more in this exciting installment!  
  
Disclaimer: You's trippin', foo's.  
  
~  
  
Chapter 6: Stabbing Joy  
  
* ~ December 5 ~ *  
  
Today was hectic to the extreme. I'm still in shock over Colin's sudden development of a backbone, and now Ginny keeps making huge eyes and saying "Awww!" every time we come within two meters of each other. It's extremely exasperating. I decided not to inform my parents of the situation, because last time... Well, that's not worth thinking about at the moment.  
At least I had some peace over the weekend. I saw Professor Snape a few times, but he seems to be actively avoiding me (again) so disaster was, thankfully, averted. I did, however, encounter Professor Lupin in the library. And, surprisingly enough, he seemed to know about the last task I'd performed upon Professor Snape. He seemed rather amused, which I don't blame him for.  
Anyway, back to today. Which was hectic. As I've already clarified. First, the mail brought Dad's birthday presents to me (thanks be to God that Mum didn't have a hand in selecting them) which were: an old-fashioned type-writer, and a copy of The Joy of Gay Sex. Alright, my dad is really creepy. And knows me all too well.  
Then, there was potions. I arrived, sat down, and quietly read my new book, The Joy of Gay Sex, heehee. Professor Snape glanced up at me once and I could tell he saw the title of the book, because he went red all the way to the ears before looking back down at the papers he was grading. He always seems to be grading something. Maybe he should get a new hobby, like... Having sex with Professor Lupin.  
Everyone came into class, bell rang, so on and so forth. Then... Ultimate humiliation. Luna, brandishing an enlarged version of one of those heart-shaped candy boxes that people get on Valentine's Day, made her way to the front of the room and presented it to Professor Snape. He got this look on his face that clearly read, "Oh, no. Not you, too." However, he simply snatched the box away and tried to shoo Luna back to her seat.  
She wasn't moving, though. She just stared and stared at him, with those big, orb-like eyes. After a few minutes under such torture, Professor Snape shuddered and gave in, gingerly opening the box. From which he extracted the puppets that Luna had sewn. Which were being held together at the hand by a red heart.  
The only sound in the room as Luna made her way back to her seat was the thump of my head hitting my desk. As I stared at the dark wood, I faintly registered Professor Snape's voice, at barely a hiss. "Detention, Miss Lovegood, Miss Page."  
"I had nothing to do with it..." I protested weakly as the class started sniggering uncontrollably.  
"And ten points from Ravenclaw. I'll see you both in my office immediately after dinner tonight." With a few well-placed glares, he silenced the class and started the lesson; he stowed the puppets in his desk, presumably to fuel a fire later on in the night.  
Afterwards was herbology, a class in which we've had a steady, eclectic stream of substitute teachers ever since Professor Sprout died last year. That class was with the Slytherins, who I thought would be bearable, but apparently not. They kept making references to my wild displays of unadultered affection towards Professor Snape.  
Then there was lunch, then Defense Against the Dark Arts, in which we learned advanced applications of something to something else. I wasn't listening at all (seems to be becoming a habit) and doodling naked pictures of Professor Snape in my notes when along came Professor Lupin and... Well, you can pretty much guess the view he got. Thank Merlin I'm on his good side, or else I probably would have gotten in trouble. Instead, he said something about listening or whatever and went back to lecturing. Of course, my inattentiveness didn't come in so handy during the practical stage of the class. Luna had to tell me what it was exactly that we were doing and my performance after that was... Less than stellar. Of course, Professor Lupin being the mother hen that he is, or something like that, felt the need to talk to me after class. I swear, if I didn't already know he was gay I'd say he wanted to get in my pants.  
"Yes, Professor?"  
"Nadia, I noticed that you were a little... Distracted... During class. Is there any particular reason for it?" Hmm... Professor Snape is too damned sexy for his own good?  
"Er... I... Just haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm sorry, Professor. It won't happen again." At least Professor Lupin is a bit more forgiving than Professor Snape.  
"You're not sleeping well? Is there something wrong?" Alright, I've come to the conclusion that there has to be some ulterior motive to him being so blatantly nice to me. He's nice to all his students, but not this nice.  
"No... Nothing I can think of." Aww, he looked so cute with his brow furrowed.  
"Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open."  
"Alright, Professor. Oh!" It was at that time that I remembered my... Birthday present. "I have something to show you!" He raised his eyebrows, looking a bit apprehensive.  
"Really? What?" I searched in my back until I found The Joy of Gay Sex, then pulled it out and showed it to him.  
"Now I have it, too!" I love it when he blushes.  
"Er... Ahm... I... See." He seemed rather uncomfortable. Good! "...Where did you get that, anyway? And what would you use it for?"  
"I got it from my dad. And I can use it for my writing."  
"...I suppose it would be best not to ask." Especially since most of the stories involve him.  
"This is really a great book just to have for fun, too."  
"I think that's enough chatting for one day," Professor Lupin replied quickly, holding up his hands as if in a surrender and smiling nervously.  
"Okay, see you later, then." I grabbed my bag and left, intending to get a head start on some of my homework. However, as I was passing through the courtyard, who would I see but... (Drum roll) Colin! Oi.  
"Hey, Colin." I really don't know why people seem to give me the deer- in-headlights look so often, but it never gets old.  
"Oh. Hi."  
"How are you?"  
"Fine." Silence. I sighed and sat down on a bench, taking some time to relax.  
"So," I began uncertainly, "I'm... looking forward to the Yule Ball."  
"Yeah. Me too." More silence. Damn you, Colin.  
"I've got homework to get to. I'll see you later."  
"Right. See you later." So, I left Colin to his own devices and instead spent my valuable time doing... Homework. Icky. Then there was dinner, which was boring. Afterwards, Luna and I went down to the dungeons for our detention.  
Professor Snape was surprisingly... What's the word? Civil. He told us to take inventory of the student stores and then just sat and read. Since there were two of us, we made quick work of it, which was quite fortunate, since I hate doing inventory. "Professor? We're done."  
"Hm?" Blinking, he set the book down and I thought I saw... But it's really silly. I thought that the title on the cover read Treasure Island. I was probably mistaken, though. "Oh." He glared at us, obviously angry that we hadn't suffered as much as he'd hoped. "You may go," He said tightly, turning back to his book as he waved us off. So, we went on our merry way, and I wondered if Professor Snape might have broken. There must be some reason he was acting so mellow. Oh, well. At least he isn't running around drinking people's blood.  
  
* ~ December 11 ~ *  
  
Oh, wow. Another task fulfilled, and plenty of quality time with Professor Snape. In detention. Two days ago, I happened to be talking to Luna and Ginny in the courtyard about SSS matters. We were trying to think up another task for me to complete, when Luna suddenly seemed to be hit by a brainstorm, and when it cleared, she shared with us her marvelous idea.  
"Snip off a lock of his hair." I stared at her for a very long time.  
"And... Why would I do that?"  
"Because," Ginny interjected in a matter-of-fact tone, "it's kind of like Colin's hair-smelling idea. People snip off locks of each other's hair and keep them in boxes or diaries or lockets or something as a sign of love. Really, it started with wizards, because a lock of the beloved's hair is essential to any basic love spell or potion."  
"I see." Ginny immediately started rummaging around in her bag, finally pulling out a shiny, sharp and sinister-looking pair of scissors.  
"Here." She handed them to me. "You'll have to do it the traditional way. We wouldn't want any magical interference if we decided to use it later." I rolled my eyes.  
"Yes, Madam Telulah, greatest of all Gypsy queens."  
"Hey, I'm serious!" I let out a long-suffering sigh.  
"Alright. Where's Colin, anyway?" Ginny snorted, a grin spreading across her face.  
"He said he's too nervous to talk to you."  
"What a puss," I muttered immediately. It was really more of a reflex than anything else.  
"You should be nicer to him," Ginny scolded. I noticed at that instant that Luna was playing cat's cradle as we argued. "He is your boyfriend, now, after all." It took me a moment to absorb the comment.  
"Wait, wait, wait- who said he was my boyfriend!?" Ginny raised her eyebrows.  
"You are going to the Yule Ball with him, right?"  
"But that's completely different! We're not- not- a couple!" She stared at me, starting to get a worried look in her eyes. I wasn't sure why until she had to go and open her big mouth.  
"Oh, Nadia... I know you're still hurting from... What happened... But you need to move on." She reached out and put a hand on my shoulder, apparently intended for comfort. "You can't be afraid of relationships just because of that mess with Blaise."  
"Ginny. Are you mad? That's not it!" Really, it's not. Though I kind of feel like it should be, now that I think of it. "I just- One date does not make us a couple. Alright?" I didn't wait for a response. "Yes? GOOD." She still looked rather doubtful.  
"Oh. Well, whatever's going on... I'm sure snipping off a lock of Professor Snape's hair while he's not looking should take your mind off of it."  
"Thanks so much for the favor." With that, I stood and left to prowl the halls, the scissors clutched tightly in my hand.  
Blaise Zabini.  
Hmmm.  
Blaise.  
Now that is a sensitive subject, if there ever was one. To write, or not to write? Well, I've never written the whole thing down, journal or no journal. Hell, I've barely even talked about it. I barely talked about it while it was happening! Especially not to my parents. Although he didn't seem to mind at the time, I doubt it was pleasant for Dad to find out about us by finding us in bed together.  
But maybe I should start from the beginning. Blaise and I had already known each other for a while before we actually became a couple, since my father and his mother know each other. We talked a few times, spent time at unavoidable social events once in a while, but we weren't good friends. After a bit, (meaning, a very long time) I started to fancy him for one reason or another, but, being the way I am, refused to do or say anything about it. I wasn't even sure if he liked me at all, at the time.  
It was a particularly windy evening when I had haphazardly wandered into the path of the Whomping Willow while returning from a detention we had served together. Blaise, being the ever valiant knight-in-shining-armor he was, pulled me out of the way and called me... what was it? A daft wench, I believe. Well, charmed by his amorous words, I of course returned them, calling him a rude bastard. After the flirting was through, I thanked him and was about to be on my way when he called me back. I'm a polite person, of course, so I returned to speak to him, only to find that I was instead being kissed. That was my first kiss.  
To make an even longer story short: we dated, we broke up, the end.  
Well, alright, there was a little more to it than that... More than just a little, actually. But... I don't know about putting it on paper. What do you think, Mr. Quill?  
I think you're a daft nutter, if you think a quill is going to answer you back.  
There you go. I won't write any more of those painful details, then.  
Are you sure? It's very therapeutic, you know.  
Shut up, Mr. Quill. Nobody asked you.  
...Now I know I'm going mad. Writing back and forth to a quill probably isn't the healthiest of pastimes, but I'm probably just doing it to stall.  
You most certainly are.  
Alright, that's enough of Mr. Quill. I give in to your demands, Quill! I'll write everything down. But in a very vague way.  
Blaise = Death Eater = Dead. The end.  
Fine, fine, I know that's far too vague, but... Still. I don't want to write it. Please don't make me, Mr. Quill. Okay, I'll write it down.  
Blaise and I became a couple. Which is how I got to a first name basis with Draco Malfoy, in case anyone was wondering. He's gay, by the way. Ooh! Maybe I could set him up with Professor Lupin? That would be so hot. But enough stalling.  
I was happy with Blaise. He was intelligent, cunning, ambitious, sarcastic... You know, all those good things. I know he was no Prince Charming on a gleaming white stallion, but to be honest, Prince Charming can suck my big fat cock. I don't care at all for him. What I've always wanted was a pirate captain on a black-sailed ship. Which is another story for another day.  
Anyway, I really fell for Blaise. Hard. And from what I've come to understand, the feeling was mutual. He was a sweet guy, really. He just... Grew up in the wrong family; fell in with the wrong crowd; made the wrong decisions. Whatever you want to call it. I found out that he was a Death Eater. The realization hit me kind of hard, seeing as how my mother and her whole side of the family are all muggles and I'm actively opposed to all that pureblood horse shit. To put it mildly. Besides the fact, my father was involved with the Order of the Phoenix.  
I talked to Blaise, but he was set in his ways. Stubborn as always, he refused to switch sides. And, stubborn as always, so did I. We tried, we really did... But... It was just too much for me. I had to choose between Blaise and my beliefs. Needless to say, that was one competition Blaise did not win. So, I... Broke it off. It was a very difficult thing to do- and painful, too- but I still stand by the fact that it was the right thing. I was extremely upset after that, but I was lucky to have Dad around to offer emotional support and all that jazz.  
Then came Judgement Day, the day that Harry Potter defeated Lord Voldemort and the whole of the wizarding world let out a collective, "Yay!" Except for me. Because that was the day that Blaise died. And, despite everything, I still loved him, even if I may not have been in love with him.  
He told me he loved me that day.  
Five minutes later, he was dead.  
Kind of a shocker, I would think.  
So... Er... Right. On with the hair snipping tale. And no those are not tears smudging the words. It's just... I'm outside and it's raining. So there.  
Where was I with the next task? Oh, yes. I was walking through the corridors with my borrowed pair of scissors, keeping my eyes peeled, when lo and behold, there was Professor Snape. Flitting over to the wall and keeping to the shadows, I silently stalked my prey. I would have to get the hair without him noticing, which, let's think now- most likely isn't possible. I mean, come on- he's a former spy. However, I think I was doing rather well. I followed him all the way to the Grand staircase, finally coming withing cutting range.  
Oh so carefully, silently, stealthily... I leaned forward. I knew I would have to get the hair quickly, since he had already started descending the staircase. I reached out, and, elated, got my snippet of hair. However, it was barely seconds after I'd retrieved the hair that I realized that I had overbalanced and, unable to do anything but brace myself against the impact, toppled forward and crashed into Professor Snape.  
We went tumbling down the staircase in a heap of robes and flashing metal. Landing with a thump, and at least a few bruised ribs (in my opinion, at least,) I merely lay on the ground to catch my breath. I was aware of Professor Snape groaning from beside me, and sat up just in time to see him pushing himself up onto his hands and knees. I had to suppress a laugh at the sight of him- mostly because the scissors were sticking out of his bum. I'm sure it was very painful, but... It just looked so funny.  
"Oh, my," I managed to work out through quiet chuckles. "Professor, are you alright?" He glared at me, then seemed to realize where my gaze was directed and, unable to turn around to look for himself, he slowly reached back and felt about until his fingers found the protruding pair of scissors. With a soft yelp, he yanked his hand away, grimacing dramatically. He looked so silly and helpless that it was absolutely endearing.  
"If you were a Slytherin, I would expel you on the spot," he ground out slowly, obviously trying not to show any signs of pain.  
"Hold on, Professor," I sighed, finally letting my giggles escape as I crawled towards him. "I'll help you."  
"What- no! What are you doing? Get away from me!" Despite his protests and feeble escape attempts, I managed to make my way around behind him and firmly grasped the scissors. I heard him let out something that sounded suspiciously like a whimper and, bracing myself so I wouldn't get stabbed in the process, quickly yanked them out. He let out a short howl of pain, practically jumping out of his skin.  
"Really, Professor. Don't be such a baby." I dropped the alarmingly bloodied scissors and examined the puncture wound. Ah, I'm so ashamed of myself for damaging such a beautiful backside. "I think you should go to the hospital wing."  
"How observant of you," he growled, yelping as I felt the area around the wound for bruising. "What are you doing!?"  
"I'm only trying to help, Professor." He looks so delicious on his hands and knees. "Try to stay still." I crawled around in front of him and pondered the situation for a bit. "Mobilicorpus." That seemed to work fairly well.  
"Put me down! This is humiliating! Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" Well, except for the sniping. But, as an upstanding citizen and loyal student, it was my duty to bring him to the infirmary. Besides, I was hoping to get a peek at him stripped for his examination.  
After much trouble, complaining, sniping, and points off of Ravenclaw, I finally managed to get the professor into the hospital wing and presented him to Madam Pomfrey. She made a "tsk" sound and dragged Professor Snape over to the nearest bed, looking him over and raising an eyebrow at his injury, but saying nothing. That's one thing I like about her- she doesn't ask for details. After checking me over as well, and declaring me healthy aside from a few minor bruises that would go away pretty quickly on their own, she started shooing me out the door. "Alright, dear," she sighed, "Professor Snape will be fine. You can go on your way, now." I was very disappointed, but then, to my surprise, Professor Snape protested.  
"No, let her stay," he grumbled. "I need to have a word with Miss Page." Well, that didn't sound too good.  
"Alright." By the look on her face, she seemed to sense the ominous cloud that had just descended upon the room, as well. "Now, dear, you just sit down in one of the empty seats and I'll tell you when I'm done patching up the professor." Nodding, I backed up into a chair and plopped down, sighing.  
While I waited, I discreetly watched as Madam Pomfrey pulled the privacy curtain around Professor Snape's bed and, from what I could discern, forced him to strip. Silhouettes may not be very detailed, but they're good enough for a general idea, and let me just say, I happened to be getting a very good idea from this one in particular. Growl. After much sniping and argument, Madame Pomfrey sanitized the scissor-wound, put some sort of potion on it, bandaged it, and forced Professor Snape into infirmary pajamas. From what I could hear, she was making him stay overnight, just to make sure that there was no infection. I think it's good for her to be cautious like that, seeing as an infection in that area would be rather unpleasant.  
When Madam Pomfrey pulled back the privacy curtain, revealing a disgruntled looking Professor Snape lying in bed on his stomach, she signaled that I could approach. Though, from the look in his eyes, I don't think I would want to, given the choice. Since I was not given any choice, I dragged a chair up to the bedside and sat down, chuckling nervously. "Well, this is something you don't see happen every day." His glare intensified. "Stripes suit you, by the way." A sneer joined it. "I- er- am sorry." Which is true. I hope there's no lasting damage to that gorgeous bum of his.  
"Miss Page," he finally hissed, propping himself up on his elbows. "Perhaps you would care to explain to me why you felt such a strong urge to push me down a flight of stairs and stab me?" Well, it's not like I was bloodthirsty and stalking him with a butcher knife or something.  
"There's a very simple explanation, Professor." I just had to think of one. "I was- er- making a... You know, one of those er... Whatchyamacallit thingies, you know- the type with the opening and closing and- I had a pair of scissors and- well then I er- slipped. There you go!" It sounded good at the time. Though, given the gift of hindsight, I think that perhaps I shouldn't have said that last part.  
"I see." My first thought- damn, he's sexy. After that- shit. He had that soft, silky, dangerous tone that he only uses when a student is about to be pummeled in every way legal for a teacher to pummel a student. "Perhaps it would occur to you to leave the scissors behind before you go strolling about the castle?" Oops.  
"I needed the scissors to- to-" I had to think of something, quick. "To help Hagrid castrate his new shipment of boll weevils!" ...I knew then and there that I was doomed.  
"Miss Page." It was barely more than a hiss. "I know that you are lying to me." I suppose he would, be a Legilimens and all. Which... I... Forgot. "What were you doing, following me through the castle with a pair of scissors? Are you trying to get me killed, girl?"  
"No," I answered indignantly. "If you must know, the scissors were for gathering potions ingredients." It's true, in a way. "So there." I almost stuck my tongue out, but suppressed the urge. Somehow, I didn't think it would help the situation.  
"Potions ingredients?" He had that dangerous tone again.  
"Yes." That tick in his jaw was going off.  
"What kinds of potions ingredients?"  
"Oh, you know, the usual." I could tell he wanted me to elaborate. "Runespore, buckweed, tentacular blossoms, human hair, unsweetened cocoa-"  
"Excuse me?"  
"Er- unsweetened cocoa?"  
"Before that!" he snapped, practically snarling at me. He's so hot when he gets in a temper like that.  
"...Human hair." I braced myself for the blow.  
"Human hair." He started flexing his fingers, as if he wanted to strangle someone (most likely me.) "Human hair." I could feel the build up of rage and back my chair up a bit as he ground his teeth. "HUMAN HAIR!" I winced at the sudden shout. "WHAT IS GOING THROUGH THAT MIND OF YOURS!?"  
"If you don't mind my saying so, Professor, that's an extremely lifelike simulation of my mother." Apparently, he did mind, and made it very clear with several select phrases that I would probably be burnt at the stake for even writing down.  
"WHAT IN MERLIN'S BEARD DID YOU WANT HUMAN HAIR FOR!?"  
"Er- precious memories?" That was the wrong answer, obviously. As Professor Snape so kindly pointed out. "A- er- potion."  
"I know that," he growled dangerously. "What kind of potion?" My answer came so quickly and quietly that it was barely discernable.  
"Muffoshon." I avoided his gaze.  
"Speak up!" he barked.  
"Llllllo... lotion." Alright, so that was another lie.  
"TRY AGAIN!" He really is good at seeing through them.  
"Love potion." And then there were none. Well, there was no more noise, at least.  
"Love potion," he repeated tightly.  
"Love potion," I confirmed. There was more silence. Feeling the need to break the tension, I started humming the theme song for "Love Boat." What can I say, I was reminded of it. I think Professor Snape would have hit me if he was in any condition to do so.  
"Stop speaking... Or making any noise in general," he ordered. "Immediately."  
"I'm sorry, Professor."  
"Detention. One month of detention! Fifty points from Ravenclaw! I'll see you in my office every night until the new year starting now! Eight o' clock! Dismissed!" I sensed impending doom, so I fled for my life. I knew detention with Professor Snape was going to be torture, but at least I'd be able to absorb some of his sexiness.  
That night, I made my way to the infirmary with some books in my bag, one of which was for Professor Snape, as an apology for stabbing his butt with a pair of scissors. Madam Pomfrey was a bit skeptical of me, but let me in anyway. So, I pulled up a chair and sat down beside Professor Snape, who was still laying in bed, on his stomach. And snoring lightly. "Hello, Professor," I said as loudly as I could without actually shouting. With a snort, he woke up and turned on his side, eyeing me groggily.  
"Miss Page," he muttered, a bit hoarsely. "What are you doing here?"  
"I came to serve my detention, Professor." Hey, it was his idea.  
"...Good Lord, must you?"  
"Well, you told me to. Besides, it must be boring here in the hospital wing, all alone. Wouldn't you like some company?" He looked thoughtful for a moment, then sneered at me.  
"No."  
"So I get to skip out on detention tonight, then?" The silence following that question was oppressive. Professor Snape isn't the kind of man to let a person get out of a punishment, but I doubt he wanted to spend time with me. I could practically hear the Jeopardy music playing as he considered his options.  
"Your detention is postponed. You'll serve it later." He seemed rather pleased with the decision. "Now, get out of here."  
"Yes, sir. Sleep tight." I pulled the book I'd brought him from my bag and placed it on the bedside table. "Don't let the bedbugs bite." I started on my way out of the room, but Professor Snape called me back.  
"Miss Page, what is this?" He gestured to the book.  
"Er... A peace offering, sir. It's The Chronicles of Narnia. I thought it would be rather boring, laying in the infirmary all night with nothing to do." He looked at the book as if it might explode, then scowled at me.  
"As... Touching as the gesture is, Miss Page, there is no need for it. Besides the fact, I've already read it." Well, I'd never thought that Professor Snape would be a fan of muggle literature, let alone fantasy.  
"Really? You've read it? What did you think of the religious references-"  
"Miss Page. Please. Leave now, before one of us gets hurt." I think that might have been a reference to the scissor wound.  
"Yes, Professor." I knew I sounded a bit too disappointed, but it didn't really matter. I left the infirmary and ended the night with a bath and an early bedtime.  
The next day was uneventful, and since Professor Snape had been released from the infirmary, I found myself in his office for detention at eight. He looked like he was in a pretty bad mood. "I regret to inform you, Miss Page, that your detention time has been reduced to ten days, apparently in the spirit of the holiday season."  
"Thank you, Professor," I replied, though I wasn't really all that thankful.  
"Hm. Well, come along." He stood up from his desk and walked out of the room, leading me out of the dungeons. After walking up several staircases, morbid curiosity got the best of me.  
"Sir? Where are we going?"  
"To the infirmary," he informed me, a wicked smirk crossing his face. "During my stay there, I noticed what horrible shape the bed pans were in." As he spoke, we arrived at the hospital wing, and he opened the door and led me to a back room, which was piled high with dirty bed pans. "They really could use a good cleaning." Dammit.  
"Yes, sir."  
"Remember, no magic."  
"Of course, sir." And to top it all off, he handed me a toothbrush, gestured to a bucket of soapy water to use, then sat down in the corner to watch me. What a sadistic streak. Well, I thought, I have one too, and I'll be damned if I can't show him a thing or two. So, as I worked, I began speaking. "You know, Professor, I was thinking lately that it must be difficult, being a Potions Master in times like these. You must be awfully underpaid."  
"I get by," he growled.  
"Well, anyway, while we're on the subject of potions, I've come across the darnedest thing. You see, I have this oozing rash right around this area-" I gestured to my crotch- "but I just can't figure out how to get rid of it. Do you have any potions for that, sir?" I could see that he was going red, and supressed a grin.  
"That is something you'd be better off asking Madam Pomfrey about."  
"Well, you're no help. And speaking of rashes, laying on your stomach all day must have given you the most awful bed rash. That would be rather uncomfortable on your naughty bits, I'd imagine."  
"Miss Page!" He sounded rather embarrassed.  
"All your bits are in the right place, aren't they? Professor?"  
"Miss Page!" He didn't seem to know what else to say.  
"You know, you really shouldn't be talking about this kind of thing to a student, sir. You could get into trouble." I could see him mouthing wordlessly from the corner of my eye, evidently outraged. "I think we should move onto another subject. How do you feel about breast implants?"  
"Excuse me?"  
"They're awful, aren't they? You know Persephone Wyatt, right, Professor? She's got the most obvious ones ever. Present from her daddy, I gather. I ask you, what's the world coming to when a girl that age is getting breast implants? Honestly." He looked shocked. "You know about breast implants, right, sir?"  
"Of- of course I do! You- why are we discussing this? Just clean out the bed pans!"  
"I am cleaning the bed pans. And who used these things last, anyway? I think some of the urine in here is green. Would that be yours, sir?"  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
"There's no need to get so flustered over what comes out of your little soldier, Professor. I think what's more important is where you put it."  
"Miss Page! That is enough!"  
"You know, one time I was just minding my own business, taking a walk to buy some groceries, when BAM! There was this flasher who just jumped out of the bushes, just like that! And you know, when I got a look at the guy's face, I realized- it was Mr. Miller, my second year teacher from primary school. Now, is that a coincidence or what? I tell you, sir, it really is a small world after all."  
"Miss Page, if you do not shut it, I will make you."  
"Ooh, that sounds like fun." Well, one well-placed charm from Professor Snape, and I no longer had the ability to use my vocal chords. The rest of the detention was spent in tense silence, Professor Snape obviously waiting for me to do something utterly insane. When he finally let me go (and took the silencing charm off of me) I grinned, and as I walked out muttered, "I'll see you later, Professor. Try to keep that goblet of yours clean." I was gone before he could do anything to me. Heehee.  
Speaking of detentions, I have one now. Whoopie!  
  
* ~ December 20 ~ *  
  
Ah, I finally finished my last night of detention. In one way, it's a relief. In another, it's really kind of sad. I was actually starting to get Professor Snape to talk to me! ...Kind of. Sort of. A little bit. Well, you know, in his own way. Explanation time, no?  
Alright, detentions were pretty much... Detention. For a while. Then I decided I would pull a stunt like the one from my first night of detention, and it actually kind of turned out well. Sort of. A little bit. Well, you know, in its own way. So, I was serving detention with Professor Snape, during my sixth night of misery (gutting small animals whose native habitats are animated Disney movies) when I just... I was tired, cramping (periods suck,) suffering from a ginormous migraine, and to top it all off I kept craving bleu cheese. So, I decided that, screw it, I'd had enough detention for the night. Professor Snape wasn't to pleased.  
"Oh... Bugger." Professor Snape glanced up from his most recent book- I suspected it to be a searing romance of a homosexual nature- and sneered.  
"Five points. Try to watch your language, Miss Page."  
"I don't feel like doing this anymore," I replied, dropping the once cute and fluffy animal I was holding. "I'm just going to go to bed."  
"...Excuse me?" the professor asked, looking as if he were becoming rather angry.  
"I said, I don't feel like gutting animals anymore. I'll just take a rain check, thanks." I stood up and started washing my hands off in the sink, aware that Professor Snape was quickly approaching.  
"Miss Page! I will not tolerate your insolence! You will treat me with respect and-"  
"Could you hand me that towel?" I interrupted, motioning to the towel that happened to be just slightly out of my reach.  
"Certainly- and- and- wait just one minute!" He stopped in the middle of handing the towel over, looking rather flustered. "I will not be ignored!" Heh, what a doof.  
"I wasn't ignoring you, sir, I just need a towel." I snatched it from him before he could protest. "Thanks."  
"Five points from Ravenclaw! How dare you act so-"  
"Could you keep it down, Professor? I've got a killer migraine, and my vagina is staging a mutiny. Hence my desire to cut out early." His mouth fell open, his face going red.  
"You- you- you-"  
"Have my period? Precisely." It was then that I discovered a rather invaluable weapon to be used against Professor Snape: my menstrual cycle.  
"I- you- get out!" He whirled around and returned to his desk, looking... Utterly humiliated. But not in a way that men are usually utterly humiliated when confronted with the crimson tide.  
"Professor?" I know a fetish when I see one. "You're not turned on by that, are you?" Heehee.  
"What- OUT! NOW!" Giggling to myself, I hurried out of the room. That angry shouting sounded rather guilty to me. Heh.  
The next night, I came fully armed, tampons and all. Safely tucked in my bag, that is. "Hello, Professor!" I greeted jovially. He muttered something demeaning under his breath, then set me to finishing the task I had walked out on the previous night. "You know, I've have the strangest craving for bleu cheese, lately," I said blithely as I gutted something that looked suspiciously like a wide-eyed puppy. "But I suppose it comes with the whole menstrual territory. Do you have anything to eat on you, Professor?"  
"No!" he barked. "Get back to work!"  
"Really, now, that's no way to act towards a lady. By the way, am I allowed bathroom breaks? Because, I've got to tell you now, sir, this tampon is on its last legs and I'll have to have it changed within the hour." I could see him burning a brilliant (and rather fetching) shade of scarlet.  
"Fine!" he grumbled. "Now be quiet." I continued gutting the puppy for several minutes before I spoke up again.  
"You know, Professor, we really have been awful to each other these past months (though completely unintentionally on my side *cough cough*) and I just thought that perhaps we could put all our (as in, your) animosity behind us and bond over the beautiful cycle of nature. Wouldn't you agree, sir?"  
"No. Keep working."  
"You know, I think since we've been spending so much time together, our cycles are starting to coincide... Because somebody in this room has major PMS, and it isn't me." There was a long pause before Professor Snape dared respond.  
"Miss Page... If you would be so kind... Please... Shut your word hole."  
"Excuse me? Word hole? How old are you, sir, ten?"  
"Shut it!"  
"I am rubber and you are glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." I finished off by sticking my tongue out at him. I'm sure that if he were in range he would have cut it right off.  
"Miss Page!"  
"Fine. I've got to change, anyway." I grabbed my bag and pulled the tampons out, offering the package to him. "Would you like one, Professor? Just in case?" With a low growl, he sent me off. I didn't bother to go back.  
Next was night number eight. Funnily enough, Professor Snape seemed to be in a rather mild mood. He was leaning back in his chair, calmly observing... Well, it was the strangest thing. There was a vase on top of his desk, holding a single sunflower. The fact that anything at all bright was currently residing in his office was strange enough, let alone a sunflower, of all the possibilities. "Er... Professor?" He scowled fiercely when he saw me, taking the sunflower and placing it somewhere out of sight. "Who was that from? Your secret admirer?" In response, he motioned to a set of manacles in the far corner.  
"Polish those." Not bothering to protest, I grabbed some... Mad Milton's Manacle Polish... and a rag, getting straight to work.  
"So, Professor, are you seeing someone, then?" For some reason, the thought made me feel rather... Jealous. And homicidal.  
"Polish the manacles, Miss Page," he sighed in response. He was surprisingly... Not insane with rage.  
"Sir? Is there something wrong?" He let a sneer loose at me, looking rather disgusted. Ah, now that is the Professor Snape I know.  
"Must you insist upon such inane banter?" I took a moment to think it over.  
"Yes, I suppose so." I thought a heard a growl coming from his direction. Ooh, sexy! I heard him rustling through some papers, and glanced over to see him reading mail. As I watched, he opened a letter, turned red as he read it, then crumpled it into a ball and incinerated it. "Let me guess... Bills?" He glared at me.  
"A letter from a certain off-balance student's father." I only assumed that meant me.  
"Oh? What did it say?"  
"Nothing I would like to discuss, I assure you."  
"I know what you mean. Dad... Is... Well, not batting on a full wicket, so to say."  
"Indeed."  
"You know, Professor, I'm starting to think there really is something wrong. You're almost amiable tonight." He snorted, rifling through the remaining letters on his desk.  
"Perhaps I haven't been getting enough sleep."  
"Staying up all night to re-read Narnia, eh, Professor?" He grumbled some sort of protest at me, but I was too elated by the fact that we were almost conversing to absorb any comments of a negative nature at the moment. "So, are you planning on going to the Yule Ball, sir?"  
"I'm planning on being forced to attend, yes." He cursed under his breath as he read through a letter that looked as if it was from the Ministry of Magic.  
"You should really try to have some fun, Professor."  
"I abhor fun." I rolled my eyes.  
"I don't think that's true. You're just being stubborn."  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw, and another twenty if you don't leave me be." I know how to take a hint (albeit a rather obvious one,) so I finished polishing the manacles in silence.  
"I'm finished, Professor. What do you use these for, anyway? I'm guessing... sex. Right?" I could see him reddening quite quickly, and prepared for retreat, just in case.  
"Ten points." He growled tersely. "I will see you tomorrow, Miss Page." I left, hoping he didn't change his mind and try to hex me, looking forward to our next encounter. I was rather disappointed at that point that classes had ended for the holidays, because that meant I didn't have potions to tide me over during the long stretch between detentions.  
Then, there was night number nine. I was very excited about getting to detention, because I was hoping I could coax Professor Snape into talking to me again. However, I was severely disappointed. Apparently, he wasn't in the mood to oversee a detention, so I was stuck serving it with (shudder) Filch. Augh. And he spent the whole time talking about hanging students from the ceiling by their ankles or whipping them or something equally as brutal, which I would agree with completely if I weren't actually a student.  
Night ten, tonight, was almost sad for me. Professor Snape, on the other hand, seemed outright giddy. Well, for him at least. Which means he didn't scowl as much as usual and refrained from shouting at me. That was rather a relief, though. I'm not sure I've ever interacted with him before without getting yelled at.  
Anyway, since his office was already impeccably clean from top to bottom, he could see his reflection in ever cauldron, and all the slimy things in jars and everything in his storeroom was inventoried and sorted, I was sort of wondering what he could possibly have for me to do next. As it turned out, my final task was to sort through his hate mail and howlers. Yes, he actually gets hate mail. It's actually not very surprising, once you think about it. "Professor, I had no idea so many people even knew you, let alone hated you."  
"Thank you so very much for that observation," he snarled, opening a letter and turning brick red before quickly hiding it from view. I caught a glimpse of the handwriting and almost laughed out loud- it was one of my love letters! Unfortunately, while I was distracted, I inadvertently opened up an envelope that spat ink in my face.  
"Bwah!" I exclaimed, slapping it away. "Augh, it smells like piss!" And it probably was, at least on some level. Professor Snape snorted, and I stopped for a moment, realizing that it was actually an expression of amusement. Dare I say it- laughter. "That was meant for you, you know," I grumbled, grabbing my wand to cast a few cleaning charms on myself.  
"Even better," he murmured, grabbing the next letter in his pile. I would have commented, but then I noticed that it was another one of the mysterious green-sealed letters. Quickly cleaning myself up, I tried to look like I was decided which howler to open next, while I discreetly attempted to read over his shoulder. A closer look at the handwriting revealed it to be rather familiar, though I couldn't place where I'd seen it before. I also caught a glimpse of a line that read, "...when you're not busy spying on naked women..." which, needless to say, drew some laughter from me. I couldn't help it; the thought of Professor Snape as a voyeur just set me off. Ooh, and adding Professor Lupin into the mix as an exhibitionist makes it even better.  
"Miss Page," he growled, glaring at me. "I would appreciate some privacy."  
"Sorry, Professor, I was just glancing over when I saw a particular part of that letter that insinuated you were a voyeur." At least part of it was the truth. He turned red, barked at me to finish up with the hate mail, took some points away, and returned to his perusal of the apparently derogatory letter. Hm, perhaps if I picked the Professor's brain I'd be able to find out who had written the letter. "You know, that handwriting looked awfully familiar," I commented blithely.  
"Hmph," he replied, obviously trying his best to ignore me. I opened a letter from a parent that accused him of being a sadistic pedophile as I continued.  
"I can't seem to place its origin, though. I could swear I know it."  
"Amazing," he drawled, bringing me to the realization that he was not listening to a word I said. That put some pretty good ideas in my head.  
"Perhaps I could remember... If only... Well, perhaps you know?"  
"How wonderful for you." He was quite immersed in that letter.  
"Maybe you could help me out? Perhaps get on your knees and orally please me?"  
"Of course." I suppressed a giggle.  
"So that's a promise?"  
"Oh, yes. Definitely." This time I couldn't hold back a snort of laughter. That seemed to break him of his extreme concentration and, blinking, he looked up at me. "And what, exactly, is so amusing?"  
"Nothing," I replied lightly. Then, after a pause... "What are you waiting for, Professor? On your knees!" He narrowed his eyes and, after only slight hesitation, swatted me with the letter like some sort of irritated house wife.  
"Miss Page!" he scolded, raising his voice, though it wasn't quite a shout yet. "Enough! I refuse to be surprised or flustered by your inappropriate comments! Ten points from Ravenclaw. Now leave me alone." Shrugging, I returned to the mail. I opened a howler, which was from some woman whose son Professor Snape had apparently caused extreme emotional damage to. "Who was that from?" he asked.  
"Er... Mrs. Franco." He grabbed a blank piece of parchment and wrote down the name of a student along with several forms of punishment.  
"You may continue, Miss Page." Wow. Now that is a sexy man. And funny.  
"Professor, you're so charmingly amusing."  
"Five points. Back to work." It took over two hours to get through all the howlers and letters and curses, but I finally finished, relatively intact thanks to the store of healing potions that Professor Snape keeps handy.  
"Ah, done! And it's about time. You know, Professor, you might not get so much hate mail if you were a bit more approachable."  
"I like reading it," he replied lowly, not-so-scowling at me. Oh, how the heavens have blessed me! He actually not-so-scowled at me! Which, I suppose, translates into a small smile.  
"You're so incredibly sexy and I love you unconditionally. Rape me, please." Well, that's what I meant to say. It actually came out more like, "Hnngh..." along with a bit of a gurgle. He raised an eyebrow at me, crossing his arms.  
"Perhaps, Miss Page, a few of those curses have had a lasting effect. You should consider stopping off at the infirmary." Concern!! For me!!  
"You are the sun in my sky and the earth beneath my feet. Make love to me, you sexy beast." That, unfortunately, also came out a bit differently from what I had hoped for. It was more along the lines of, "Guh... huh..." and another gurgle. His other eyebrow joined the first.  
"Are you alright? I wouldn't want to get sacked just because you fell ill while in my care." He sounded particularly sinister, which was the sexiest thing on the planet. Luckily, the familiar tones managed to raise my alertness and allow me to take control of my rebelling vocal chords.  
"I'm fine, Professor. Really, I am." He looked doubtful, so I assumed I would have to convince him. "Er... Nice bum?" He rubbed his forehead, as if fending off a headache.  
"I see. Very well, you may go." Sighing, I scurried out of the room, as giddy as a schoolgirl. And, seeing as I am a schoolgirl, I had every right to be. Besides that, Professor Snape was decent to me! How elating!  
When I got back to the dorm, I found Luna still awake, so I immediately accosted her and told her my tale. She seemed rather happy for me, in her own dazed way. After making sure she knew every detail of my last detention, I decided to hop into bed (with an albino.) Ah. You know, I'm rather looking forward to asking Professor Snape to dance at the Yule Ball. Maybe he'll say yes! Well, I can always hope.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Well, there you go, you bloodthirsty pack of wild animals. It won't be long until the next chapter is up, either, since most of it is already written (though some modifications need to be made.) Anyway, the next chapter holds the long-awaited Yule Ball scene! Whoopee! *Dramatic music swells* Will Professor Snape dance with Nadia? Will she survive even asking him? Will Colin finally kiss her? Or have a decent conversation with her? Will there be corn in my next bowel movement? BUM BUM BUM! Plus, an appearance by... *Suspense builds* ...Nadia's dad! *Excited muttering fills the room.* I know, I know, it's all very exciting. So be sure to tune in next time! And fuel my inspiration with plentiful reviews. 


	7. Yuletide Blues

Yay! Chapter 7 and the long awaited Yule Ball! (By the way, the sunflower from chapter 6 does have some significance. When and how you find out, though, is up to me. Hah!) In this chapter, Nadia asks Snape to dance, ends up in the Hospital Wing (no, he didn't beat her) and gets... (bum bum) a kiss! But not from him. Plus, her dad shows up, and gets up to some hijinx with Professors Snape and Lupin, according to Ginny. Is Ginny a liar? Find out! Read! So on!  
  
Disclaimer: J.K.'s got me straight trippin', boo.  
  
~  
  
Chapter 7: Yuletide Blues  
  
* ~ December 27 ~ *  
  
Alright, so... Christmas! Whoo! It was great. It had snowed overnight, and was apparently the coldest day in half a century. Huzzah! I woke up, opened my presents, and had loads of fun. Whoopee! I got lots of books and sweets and (from Dad, of course) a set of pajamas with dancing fwoopers all over them. Christmas lunch was fun- Luna and I decided to move our bad selves over the to Gryffindor table, and Colin was finally able to talk to me without any awkward pauses. Then, the four of us hung around for a while, took a little walk, had a MASSIVE SNOWBALL FIGHT, and grabbed some hot cocoa from the kitchens. It was a very good Christmas, and I actually didn't mind not going home for the holidays this year at all.  
So, after we all parted ways, Luna and I went back to the common room and just lazed about for a while... Then it was time to get ready for the magical ball, oooh. I put my hair up in a loose bun and wore green and silver strapless dress robes. That's right, Dad helped me pick them out. Seriously, sometimes I think he's like some sort of... Strange, off-balance gal pal. Anyway, Luna used magic to put her hair up in the shape of a reindeer and wore some very odd-looking, fuzzy, red and white dress robes. When we were ready, we pranced merrily down to the entrance hall. Or, you know, walked. Same thing.  
We spotted Ginny pretty quickly; she was wearing some elegant purple dress robes with her hair down, accompanied by a major hunk, as always. You know, the usual. It wasn't long before Colin waded through the crowd and found us. And I've got to say... He cleans up pretty nicely. He had some burgundy dress robes on and his hair was all... Floppy and sexy. Er, I mean... Yeah, that's what I meant. It wasn't long before Luna was joined by some dazed (but happy) looking Hufflepuff boy who was a year below us. Then, the doors opened and we all went inside the Great Hall and everyone was happy.  
The room had a bunch of floating white tapers all around, and there was a dance floor right next to the stained glass windows with a stage, where a band was setting up. There were a bunch of round tables scattered about instead of the house tables, along with a refreshment table off to the side, but the staff table was still in its usual place. Dumbledore stood up and greeted us all very jovially, then we all sat down, got settled, and stuffed our faces. Stuffing our faces was followed by dancing. Dancing was followed by making sweet, sweet love. No, just kidding about that last part.  
Colin was actually a better dancer than I expected, though he still tripped over himself a few times. But I didn't mind. We danced for a while, then sat down and had a few butterbeers, then got up and danced some more. Oh, what fun. Then, (finally) a slow dance began to play. I managed to keep Colin from escaping, and from stepping on my feet, and we danced. He was sweating. He did not kiss me. Afterwards, we sat back down at the table with Ginny. Mr. Hunk was up getting drinks, so while he was off she reminded me to fulfill my next task and ask Professor Snape to dance. Then Luna returned with Huffy and Mr. Hunk came back with drinks and everyone started chatting it up. When the conversation dried up, everyone went back to dance. I however, had aching feet, not to mention another task to complete, so I opted to stay at the table while Colin went off to try to find his brother.  
Sighing, I looked up at the staff table, where Professor Snape sat alone, playing with his food. I smiled to myself as I watched him, casting a glance out at the dance floor every once in a while and looking disgusted. I thought he actually looked... Lonely. It was funny to think about, but I suppose it's fairly likely, since Dumbledore seems to be the only person who genuinely likes him. Or at least pretends to. The Slytherin students like him, of course, but only because he favors them, and besides, they're students. Anyway, it seemed like a nice time to carry out my next task, so I gathered all my courage and approached the staff table.  
I think he noticed me, but he didn't really show any signs of caring. However, when I walked around behind the table and made my way towards him, I could see him tense a bit and take a long gulp of what I assumed was wine. I took a seat next to him and waited patiently for him to address me. There were a few minutes of thick silence, in which I watched him alternately push scraps of food around on his plate and sip his wine. Eventually, he slammed the goblet down on the table and turned to face me. "Yes, Miss Page?" he asked irritably.  
"Hello, Professor." He seemed to be waiting for me to say something more, but I held my tongue. The timing had to be just right.  
"Well, Miss Page?"  
"Hm? Sorry, sir, I'm not sure what you mean."  
"What do you want?" I looked at him as if I had no idea what he was talking about. Damn, he looked good. "Don't play dumb with me." I shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly and looked towards the dance floor, where Dumbledore was cutting through the crowd with McGonagall, swinging her around.  
"Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall seem to be having a good time," I commented casually, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes burning into me. "So, why aren't you dancing, Professor?"  
"I don't dance," he answered flatly.  
"Nobody's asked you, eh?" There was a slight hesitation.  
"No," he growled. "And I'm thankful for it."  
"Really?"  
"Yes." I turned to face him; he looked miserable and angry, as usual.  
"Professor?" I asked tentatively. He raised an eyebrow, tapping a finger impatiently on the table. "May I have this dance?" The tapping stopped and, if I didn't know that Severus Snape was not the type to stare, I'd say he was blatantly staring at me in disbelief. It was a long, awkward time before he finally cleared his throat and spoke up.  
"...Sorry?"  
"I'm asking you to dance." It seems as if I have to repeat myself quite a lot around the man. After a few more moments of silence, I added, "And I'm waiting for an answer." It took him a couple of seconds to compose himself and again look like he wanted nothing more than for my head to explode. Fancy that, and just a little while ago he seemed almost flattered.  
"When things like this occur, one must wonder: what could possibly be going through that mind of yours, Miss Page?" I feigned an exaggerated sigh.  
"I just thought you looked lonely, Professor." My goodness! Telling the truth to a teacher, shame on me! My reason, however, was met with a derisive snort. So, I leaned in and lowered my voice. "Just between the two of us, sir, I think you look very attractive this evening, and I've also taken notice that this particular set of robes shows off your rear end quite nicely." I sat upright again, taking pleasure in seeing him look taken aback. "Though, I've always thought you had a delicious ass in the first place." This elicited a much more active response.  
"Twenty points from Ravenclaw!" he hissed. "You should know better than to talk to a professor like that, Miss Page! Especially in public!" I merely shrugged.  
"I thought you might be grateful for the compliment."  
"I am still your teacher, and you will always address me as professor or sir. Is that understood?"  
"Yes, Professor. Now, would you care to dance, sir?" He stared at me as if he'd never seen anything quite like me before and suddenly stood up, nearly knocking his chair over. For a split second, I actually thought he'd accept my offer.  
"I don't dance," he ground out. Scratch that, then. He whirled around, his robes billowing out, and prowled out of the room, presumably to patrol the magically produced garden. Are those red ears I see, Professor?  
"Well, that could have gone better," I muttered to myself. I sat for a few minutes, watching the giant double doors, as if by staring at them I would coax Professor Snape back into the room. However, my attempted telekinesis was interrupted by a throat being cleared. I looked up to see the Headmaster standing beside me.  
"Ah, Miss Page," he greeted jovially, offering his hand. "Since Professor Snape has so unwisely declined your invitation, would you use this dance on me, instead?" I couldn't help but smile at the eccentric old man, and took his hand, following him to the dance floor. All I can say is, he's a very energetic dancer.  
Four songs and a large glass of water later, I had finally escaped Dumbledore's clutches, and was sitting at a table with Colin, watching him spin Luna around in circles. "Does he ever stop?" Colin asked incredulously, watching them.  
"I don't think so," I answered. "So, Professor Snape turned me down again."  
"I guessed as much. Everyone would have noticed if Snape had actually danced." I nodded.  
"Yeah, they would."  
"You sound kind of weird. Are you alright?" Colin placed a hand on my arm.  
"I'm fine," I replied absently. "Just need a little air."  
"I'll come with you."  
"No, stay here. Dance with Dumbledore for a bit, you'll have a blast." I gave Colin a wide smile.  
"Er... Alright." He smiled back, then took my hand and kissed it. My, my! A charming Colin, I never would have imagined it! "Don't be too long, eh?"  
"I won't." I swept out of the room and made my way to the garden, walking along the cobblestone path as I scanned ahead, ignoring the occasional giggling coming from the bushes. I knew I was looking for something, but it didn't quite occur to me until after a while that it was more like someone. I was searching for Professor Snape. Oh, God... Have I become the silly, lovesick girl I've been portraying? Or perhaps the eloquent, yearning woman of the love letters? Either way, it hit me that my feelings for the biased, sarcastic potions master had... intensified, to say the least. What a startling revelation. I guess I always fancy the bad boys.  
By the time I had come to said revelation, I had reached a tall fountain at the center of the garden. It was the traditional fountain with the statue of the reindeer, which had been present ever since the first Yule Ball, though someone had taken to weaving roses into its horns this year. It looked kind of nice, actually. It was then that I heard a sigh, barely audible, but still existent. Perhaps it was Professor Snape? I quietly walked around the fountain, which wasn't difficult, since I'd left my shoes in the Great Hall, but the dark figure perched on the edge of the fountain could still detect the rustling of my dress robes. "Five points from-" he paused to look at me- "Ravenclaw, and five points from Gryffindor." I paused for a moment.  
"Why Gryffindor, Professor?" He leaned forward and looked around me, as if expecting to see someone else, then straightened himself.  
"Hm, you're alone. Too bad, I suppose Gryffindor will have points taken away for nothing." Professor Snape didn't look as if he thought it were bad. "Move along, Miss Page. I don't allow dawdling, inside or outside of classes."  
"Yes, Professor." I stood rooted to the spot, watching as he scowled, shifting his weight a bit. Thinking I might seem a little off if I just stood there, I sat down beside the professor, though I still kept my distance, out of respect.  
"Miss Page," he muttered, as though getting ready to reprimand me. "I have yet to receive an explanation for why you seem to enjoy pestering me so much." It did sound an awful lot like a reprimand.  
"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Professor," I answered casually. "Perhaps I just have a pestering sort of personality."  
"That is a weak and poorly executed excuse. Five points from Ravenclaw."  
"Perhaps you are the one pestering me, Professor," I offered. This didn't go over too well.  
"Just what are you suggesting?" he asked dangerously, his lips forming into a sneer.  
"Only that you seem to be around me an awful lot," I replied, trying to hide my amusement.  
"Miss Page... Please go away." He'd never said please to me like that before. Perhaps I'm making progress? Doubtful.  
"You still owe me a dance, Professor." He closed his eyes for a while, a look of consternation on his face, then turned and spoke to me as if I were a small, ignorant child.  
"I never agreed to dance with you, Miss Page, and I've told you that I don't dance. Now, if you'll let me be..."  
"But I want to dance with you." He blinked slowly, as if the words hadn't quite reached his brain. "Professor," I added hastily, remembering what he'd said before.  
"Miss Page," he growled, "perhaps you don't understand. I have no desire whatsoever to dance with you, or anyone else for that matter. Furthermore, if I were to dance, which is extremely unlikely, then you would hardly be my first choice for a partner, because you are my student. Do you grasp what I'm trying to tell you?"  
"Professor..." I knew it was bad, but I just couldn't help myself. "Are you coming on to me?" His jaw literally dropped.  
"Miss Page!" he hissed, his eyes darting about to search for any possible eavesdroppers. "Were you dropped on your head, or are you just completely daft!?" I shrugged.  
"Well, I can't be completely daft, because I got sorted into Ravenclaw." His glare spoke volumes, most of them very angry. "Professor," I implored, "it's just a dance. That's all. I mean, the Headmaster was quite willing to dance with me. I don't see why you're refusing so vehemently." He paused, seeming to be momentarily satiated by the prospect of not being my solitary target for the evening. Then, slowly, he stood up. I, of course, became immediately preoccupied with that wonderful backside of his, and in my quest to get a better view, my hands slipped. I lost my balance and, to my extreme embarrassment, fell backwards into the fountain with a small shriek. The water was shockingly cold; it was like falling into a bucket of ice. Spluttering, I pushed myself up after much struggling (which was very hard on the lungs) and wiped the soaking hair from my face, sucking in the frigid air and cursing under my breath before I saw Professor Snape eyeing me with something that looked suspiciously like amusement. A small smirk flashed momentarily across his face; or was I imagining that?  
"Come now, Miss Page. It can't be too bad to get a little wet, can it?" Asshole! It was nearing the end of December, and I was outside, soaking wet, and starting to shiver. I'm very sensitive to the cold, you know. Not to mention the fountain was surprisingly slimy. While trying to get out, I slipped and fell again. This time, when I came up, there was most definitely a smirk on the man's face. I wanted to pound it right off! He was standing there, watching me freeze my ass off, without even trying to help. Well, see if I try to help him the next time he falls into a fountain.  
"C-could I have s-some help, p-please, Professor?"  
"I'm not sure if that would be appropriate, Miss Page." RARGH!!!  
"P-please," I stuttered, my shivering becoming uncontrollable and much more pronounced than before.  
"Very well," he muttered, reluctantly holding out his hand. Be still my beating heart! Oof... Perhaps that was actually happening. I grabbed tightly onto his hand, then gave it the mightiest tug I could manage. To my great pleasure, it was more than enough. Let me tell you, that was the most satisfying splash I have ever heard in my life. However, I didn't have long to enjoy the shocked, dripping form of Professor Snape, because I immediately started working on my escape before the shock wore off. "M-Miss Page!" he snarled. Wow, that sounded really angry. I'd managed to stand in the fountain and was about to be off when I felt a strong hand close around my wrist and tug me down. I slipped on the slime in the fountain and fell backwards, landing on something much softer than stone. "ACK!"  
"P-Professor, I had no id-dea th-that you felt this way ab-bout me," I managed to work out, despite my constant shivering. I had said this because I was sitting in Professor Snape's lap, which was infinitely better than any chair.  
"S-stupid girl!" he growled. "G-get of-ff me!" He then pushed me away from him, without even waiting for me to move. I took this opportunity to crawl out of the fountain (after much splashing about and general floundering), flopping down on the cold stone and blowing some water out of my nose before shakily getting to my feet. Professor Snape had apparently done the same, though much quicker. I searched my dress robes for my wand, but discovered that I didn't have it; I realized I'd left it snug and secure in the top drawer to my bedside table. Well, that left me cold, wet, and without a wand, facing a fuming (and uninjured) Professor Snape. It was most definitely the worst situation I'd been in all term. And my hands and feet were numb. Come to think of it, so was my face. "F-f-f-forty points f- from Ravenclaw!" Professor Snape stammered, kicking his sopping shoes off and stripping his black robes from his body. At first I thought it was too bad, since they'd been clinging quite pleasantly, and the sight was the only thing generating any warmth within my body. However, the equally wet white shirt he was wearing clung just as much, and showed off a lot more... Mmm, nipples...  
He glared at me, looking absolutely outraged, while I worked at trying to get some feeling back to my lower legs. "W-warm-m-ming-g ch-ch-ch- ch-" he reached into his robes and cursed, drawing from them a wand that had been snapped in half. Apparently, I'd landed on it. He was looking furious, but it faded a bit when he turned back to me. A quick glance at my reflection in the water of the fountain showed me that I had turned blue. How appropriate for a Ravenclaw. Well, it certainly explained the weak, numb feeling I was getting.  
"C-come on," he growled, grabbing my forearm a lot more tightly than necessary and dragging me along. I didn't mind the tight grip, though; I didn't feel it much, anyway. I stumbled constantly, mostly because of the numbness and my long dress robes, and Professor Snape snapped at me for it; as if I can control it. Was that music in the air? Yes; we were approaching the castle.  
"A-a-are w-we g-goin-ng t-to d-dan-nce?" I asked, cursing my blasted stutter and my numb extremities.  
"No," he snapped, giving me a jerk. He pulled me into the entrance hall- ah, blessedly warm entrance hall- and ordered me to stay where I was, prowling into the Great Hall. So, I promptly collapsed onto the floor. Note to self: never repeat this series of events. I really wanted to get the cold, wet dress robes off, but I knew that would leave me in my undergarments, so I wasn't about to try that.  
"Miss Page?" Oh, look, Professor Dumbledore. I wasn't much in the mood for talking; though, if I was, it would take too long, anyway. I just nodded. "Hold on a moment, dear..." He muttered a spell and I was being hit with a pleasantly warm breeze, my dress robes feeling much drier than before. I still had a persistent, vague thought, nagging at me: Where's Professor Snape? "Not to worry, he's right here." Oh, I thought, I must have said that aloud. That could be fun. Have I ever told you that I'm lactose intolerant? "No, you haven't." That was pretty cool. Well, that's because I'm not.  
"She's babbling." That was definitely Professor Snape. I felt myself being lifted up, and I looked in the direction of the voice.  
"H-hell-llo, P-p-prof-fess-ssor." I knew I sounded like an idiot, but it couldn't be helped.  
"Hello, Miss Page," he grumbled. I noticed that he was dry. I also noticed that he was doing something- oh, his robes were around me. That was very pleasant.  
"Professor Snape will escort you up to the hospital wing and you'll be warmed in no time," Dumbledore said pleasantly. He then said something to Professor Snape, and I was left, sitting on a magical stretcher- where did that come from?- with a man who I strongly suspected wanted me dead. I pulled his robes tighter around myself, breathing in the pleasant musk. The garment warmed me in more ways than one.  
"...Had better not be held responsible..." Professor Snape was grumbling sourly, guiding me along the halls. What an embarrassing situation.  
"Y-y-you're a-all I n-need t-to w-warm-m m-me up-p, P-prof-fessor-r," I commented.  
"I'll assume that you have hypothermia and are delirious," he replied curtly.  
"I-I l-lov-ve it-t w-when m-men p-play h-h-hard-d-t-to-get." He grumbled something about twits under his breath, but I didn't bother with straining to hear.  
"You deserve anything you get!" he snapped suddenly. I sensed guilt.  
"Uh-h-h-huh."  
"Shut up!" Somebody got up on the wrong side of the fountain. I remained silent as I listened to him fume all the way up to the hospital wing. When we arrived, Madam Pomfrey made a grand fuss ("She's turned blue!") and put me on a bed, drawing privacy curtains around it. She then handed me some very warm-looking pajamas and asked if I needed any help.  
"C-could P-p-profess-ssor S-S-Snape h-help m-me g-get d-dressed-d?" I heard him snort and growl something from the other side of the curtain, while Madam Pomfrey gave me a strange look.  
"I'm afraid not, dear." She swished her wand over me, and suddenly I was in the pajamas. Oh, poo. I wanted Professor Snape to help me... Manually. Madam Pomfrey pulled back the privacy curtains, bustling about while Professor Snape merely... glared. "She's delirious," Madam Pomfrey commented worriedly. He responded so quietly that I couldn't quite hear him, but he sounded offended. Soon, I was given a Pepper-up potion and something else that spread a warm feeling throughout my body. "You'll have to stay and watch her, Professor," I heard the nurse say. He grumbled something about my head of house. "Don't give me some rot like that! I don't even want to know how this happened-"  
"It was all Professor Snape's fault," I provided, rather happy that I'd stopped shivering. Madam Pomfrey turned to me, raising her eyebrows. "Flaunting that luscious rump of his, right out in public- honestly."  
"...Right. So you can see why she needs to be watched, Professor. If you'll excuse me..." Madam Pomfrey bustled out before Professor Snape could protest. Sighing, he conjured a straight-backed wooden chair and sat down beside me, scowling. After a few minutes, I made an attempt at conversation.  
"I'm sorry, Professor."  
"Don't you dare apologize! I love you! Marry me!" Alright, so he didn't really say that. What he really said was more along the lines of, "You should be. Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
"I'm the one in the hospital bed," I grumbled, crossing my arms. "And I'm not delirious."  
"That only worsens the situation." He leaned back in his chair, looking out the window. "Why don't you just go to sleep?" I didn't answer, but I also didn't stop staring at him. After a while, I spoke again.  
"Have you ever been in love, Professor?" He nearly fell out of his chair.  
"That's none of your business!" he snarled, righting himself.  
"Have you ever been with another man?"  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
"I'm only asking." And then, silence. Long silence. There was were suddenly footsteps invading the quietude of the hospital wing, and Dumbledore appeared behind Professor Snape.  
"Ah, feeling better, Nadia?" Hm, so he'd taken to calling me Nadia. Perhaps it was the dancing? Or maybe my fragile, "delirious" state.  
"Yes, a little," I answered, feigning a small cough and suppressing a satisfied smile at the disgusted look on Professor Snape's face.  
"Very good, very good." He then turned to the esteemed potions professor. "Severus, if I could have a word with you..." He stood, drawing the privacy curtain around my bed and walking off with Dumbledore. It was followed by indistinct muttering. Every once in a while, I could hear parts of the conversation, since Sevvie (heehee) had a habit of raising his voice.  
"Oh, honestly!" I heard him snort. After some more mumbling, there was, "NO!" and then, rather puzzling, "...Too young!" followed by Dumbledore shushing him. What was Dumbledore trying to do, set him up with me? I nearly snorted with laughter at the very thought of it. "I am not... No, Albus... Trying to... Don't you dare... I don't think... No, no..." He seemed rather agitated. "That!" he suddenly exclaimed, a growl in his voice. "Don't talk to me about that!" Dumbledore mumbled something, and Professor Snape's voice became even louder. "Of course I know that! I picked the bloody thing out!" More murmuring from Dumbledore. "Well, bugger Nathanyel in his bloody arse! I don't give a damn- NO! NO, NO, NO!" Did he just mention... My father? Nah, probably a different person. After all, it wasn't exactly an uncommon name. I strained my ears to listen some more, but it was all just muttering again. Apparently, Dumbledore had managed to calm Professor Snape down. And probably reprimanded him for his dreadful language. Teehee.  
After a few more minutes, the long-suffering Professor Snape pulled back the privacy curtain to my bed and waved his wand, causing the chair he had conjured to become cushioned, and heavily lowered himself into it, allowing a small sigh escape his mouth. The sound of a door opening and shutting shortly followed. I waited a few moments before I ventured forth with my further attempts at dragging him into a conversation. "Professor?"  
"Professor Dumbledore," he cut in stiffly, sounding very hassled, "has requested that I stay here with you." He made a sour face that I supposed meant that this was against his will.  
"Oh. Well... How nice of... er... Oh, screw it." I changed my position in the bed, so that I was sitting up, pillows propped behind my back. It was nice of Dumbledore to give me Professor Snape, but I wasn't about to say that to his face.  
"Language, Miss Page," he warned narrowing his eyes.  
"Hypocrite," I muttered in response.  
"Miss Page," he growled, "I have had a difficult night. Please do not make it even more so." He reached up and dragged his hand through his hair, sighing.  
"You've had a difficult night? And what about my night? I daresay, it wasn't all posies and waltzes for me." He raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms.  
"Perhaps you should get some sleep, Miss Page," he said in a silky, dangerous voice.  
"I'm not tired," I replied stubbornly. "And it's not even that late."  
"Yes it is," he argued. I only raised my eyebrows. "Already past midnight. Now, sleep." I checked the clock that hung over the door to the infirmary, which Professor Snape happened to be facing away from, to observe that it was only quarter to ten.  
"There's a clock behind you, Cap'n," I reminded him. He half-turned to see the clock, then paused, turning back to me with a very pronounced scowl.  
"What did you just call me?" I immediately faked a very loud fit of coughing.  
"Oof. Must be the delirium and all." Cough, cough. He scowled at me, but said nothing. There was silence between us for a few minutes. "...You know, Professor, you still owe me a dance." He sneered at me, leaning back in his chair.  
"You hardly seem to be in a condition to dance."  
"Tomorrow, then. When I'm feeling better." He made a sour face, like he was sucking on a lemon or something.  
"No. Not tomorrow. Not ever." I shrugged.  
"Then another time, I suppose," I answered off-handedly. He glared at me, then let out a small sigh and slumped slightly in his chair, turning to look at the clock. God, he looked so delicious... I just wanted to reach out and touch him... Damn, that man has great thighs. I wouldn't object to having those wrapped around me instead of the hospital bed sheets. I sank down in my bed a bit more, snuggling into the covers, then reached out and placed a hand on his knee. He snapped around and looked at me as if I had slapped him across the face, but I ignored the expression. "Professor, I really appreciate your being here. I'm glad you're with me." His expression went a bit blank, and his eyes widened a fraction, almost undetectable. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat a bit, clearly uncomfortable.  
"Miss Page..." He reached down and gently placed his hand over mine. My heart leapt into my throat, my breathing hitched, my stomach flipped, and warmth washed over my whole body. It was absolutely wonderful. That is, until I realized that he had only done so in order to remove my hand from his knee. Still, it was very good. "...While I take your... Appreciation... to heart, I must insist that you at least make an effort to not touch me. At all."  
"Sorry, Professor. I didn't know you were allergic to human skin."  
"Ten points. At this rate, Miss Page, Ravenclaw will be into the negatives by the end of the year."  
"Oh well," I replied nonchalantly. It's not like there's anything important about the House Cup. "How would you like to join me?" I asked on a whim, patting the bed beside me.  
"As sorely tempted as I am," came the sarcastic reply, "I'm afraid I'll have to decline." He paused slightly. "Another ten points."  
"I'd sleep better," I offered.  
"No."  
"You're no fun."  
"I've decided that I'm going to ignore you until you fall asleep. If you try to get a rise out of me, it will be no use. As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist." He crossed his arms and turned his chair around to face the opposite direction.  
"...If I don't exist, then why are you here?"  
"I have a mysterious itch. Now, I suggest you be quiet, because from now on you might as well be talking to a wall."  
"Whatever you say, crazy pants."  
"..." Professor Snape's behavior made me decided that it was finally time for me to speak my mind and tell him exactly how I feel about him.  
"...You so crazy, I think I wanna have yo' babay!"  
"Ten points! And I'm not listening." He's really bad at ignoring me. After saying random things to him for a while, though, I started to get bored (and tired) so I finally went to sleep. He must have been very happy about that. I didn't sleep very well, though.  
I woke up in the middle of the night, because of a dream I could no longer remember, though I didn't open my eyes. The first thing that struck me was that my hand was being held. Primarily, I thought it might be Colin, but immediately ruled that option out, for two reasons. The first was that students weren't allowed in the hospital wing that late. The second was that it didn't feel at all like either of Colin's hands. The hand was too large, the fingers too long; and while Colin's palms were soft as a baby's bottom, this palm was not. The skin still had a silky quality to it, but it was uneven, burns and callouses scattered over it. It was a hand that had worked hard throughout the years, but had still managed to stay in reasonably good condition.  
Anyway, the second thing that struck me was that someone was singing, apparently to me. The voice was low and quiet, silky as the hand and slightly reluctant. The tune, however, was very familiar. The person was near the end of the song, and I started listening in the middle of the verse. "...Really bad eggs... Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho... Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me..." I opened my eyes to see the source of the voice and the hand.  
"...Professor Snape?" It was at that moment that I tumbled head over heels in love with him. He jumped a bit, surprised, then immediately let go of my hand, pursing his lips much in the way McGonagall does when a Gryffindor misbehaves.  
"You will speak of this to no one," he ordered, looking angry and... embarrassed.  
"You have a nice singing voice," I replied. He growled, clenching his fists. "How do you know that song?" I pressed on.  
"Someone once sang it to me," he answered tersely.  
"Oh..." He leaned back in his chair, scowling at me. "Why were you singing to me, if you don't mind my asking?"  
"Miss Page," he scolded, "you will address me as 'Professor' or 'sir' at all times. Understood?"  
"Yes, Professor, sir," I answered in an unctuous and slightly sarcastic tone. "So, why the singing, sir?"  
"I wasn't singing," he snapped. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Could you hold my hand again?"  
"Get back to sleep!"  
"Please?"  
"No!" I sighed heavily, shifting a bit and wringing my hands together. "Get some sleep." Angry, but almost civil.  
"I'm not really all that tired."  
"Go. To. Sleep."  
"You hate me." There was utter silence as he blinked, staring at me with a blank expression, induced by shock.  
"Excuse me?" His eyebrows were practically fused with his hairline.  
"That's alright. I know you hate me."  
"Miss Page..." He leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed his eyes a bit. "At least try to sleep." He had this look that clearly said, "I don't deserve this." He might have muttered it to himself, but his voice was rather low, so...  
"Alright." I wasn't tired, though. So... I just looked at him. He sat with his arms crossed, surveying the room, tapping his foot a little and looking agitated. For a while he would look out the window, then back at the clock, then at the exposed shelf of medical potions, then at the pitcher of water on the bedside table. And he'd repeat the pattern. While being absolutely beautiful... Not that it wasn't already a given. There was really nothing else to do, and looking at him made me feel better. I don't know how long I was observing him, but eventually he sighed and glared at me, sneering slightly.  
"Stop looking at me like that," he growled.  
"Like what?" He's so gorgeous.  
"Like that." He glared a little more. "Just get to sleep, already." I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes, but turned over and tried to sleep, anyway. After about fifteen or twenty minutes of tossing and turning, though, I gave up and threw my sheets aside, propping myself up and looking at the love of my life... Ahem... "What is it now?" he grumbled.  
"I can't sleep," I replied. Then, I boldly place a hand on his knee. Again. "Talk to me." He stared at me for a few moments, as if he couldn't understand what I had just said and done. Then, he scowled, again moving my hand away from him.  
"Why don't you just count sheep instead?"  
"I'd much prefer to count kisses."  
"Miss Page..." He rubbed his forehead, frowning. "How many times must you be punished before you understand that your behavior is childish and inappropriate?"  
"You're the teacher, you figure it out."  
"...You. Sleep. Now." He then turned around and pulled that "I'm ignoring you" shit again. Honestly, he can be so immature sometimes.  
"Fine. But only if you tell me a bedtime story."  
"No."  
"Then fetch me a glass of water." Grumbling, he actually got up and walked away, returning with a glass of water that he thrust into my hands. "Thank you very much." I drank about half of it before leaving it to the elements.  
"Are you comfortable now? Ready to sleep?" He seemed rather anxious.  
"...If you insist." I thought I'd go easy on him, in the spirit of the holidays. "Happy Holidays, Professor," I muttered as I tucked myself in. He grumbled something angrily, and then there was silence from his direction. I'm surprised by how quickly I fell back to sleep, but there you go.  
Colin was sitting at the side of my bed opposite Professor Snape when I woke up. He seemed rather wary of the professor, who was slumped down in his chair, asleep. "Hi, Colin," I groaned, sitting up. He gave me a small smile, fiddling with the camera that was constantly around his neck.  
"Hey. How are you feeling?" I shrugged.  
"Fine. I hope you weren't too upset by... Er... Well, you know. Last night. I didn't mean to ditch you, honestly." His grin wavered a bit.  
"Well, I know that. I mean, when I heard... I wasn't angry. Just worried." I smiled back. "Hey, look..." He nodded towards Professor Snape, who was twitching and drooling in his sleep. Aww.  
"I think that means he's dreaming," I replied. My suspicions were confirmed when he muttered something under his breath.  
"What do you say we immortalize the moment?" Colin grabbed his camera as his grin widened substantially. Well, I thought, why not? So, I nodded and held back a chuckle as Colin took a picture of the sleeping Snape, who twitched again and muttered.  
"...Naf...unnel... Yogurt." I decided it would be best not to know.  
"So, how was the dance after I left?" I asked Colin.  
"Eh. After Professor Dumbledore told me what happened, and that I wouldn't be allowed to visit, I was kind of a third wheel with Ginny and her date for a while, then I gave up and went back to Gryffindor tower. It's too bad, really. I was hoping to get a goodnight kiss, you see." He flashed a lopsided grin, which was rather cute, but I think wasted on me.  
"Alright, what are you waiting for, then?" I tend to be a bit blunt with matters of a romantic nature. But only a tad.  
Gulping slightly, he leaned over and... Kissed me. There really isn't any more elaborate way to describe it, and trust me, if there was, I would know. It was just a kiss. No sparks flying or fireworks going off, or anything. Not even open-mouthed. And, of course, that happened to be the moment that Professor Snape woke up.  
"CREEVEY!" He was on his feet almost instantly, lumbering over us with a distinct air of rage. "TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! GET OUT!!" With a squeak, Colin jumped out of his chair and scurried out of the room. Professor Snape's jaw muscle was going off, a definite sign of impending doom. I think it's rather attractive, actually.  
"Er... Professor? Perhaps you should calm down a bit. It's not good for your blood pressure to get all worked up, you know. Besides, Colin was just visiting." He growled, a sound from deep in his throat.  
"If that little twit of a Gryffindor knows what's good for him, he'll make himself scarce." With that proclamation, he dropped back into his seat, eyeing the doorway as if he expected Colin to come scampering back through it, and was planning to rip his throat out when he did.  
"Professor... Are you jealous?" Oh, my mind works in rather devious ways. He snapped his head around, jaw going a bit slack as his face became quite enticingly flushed.  
"What- er- Ten points from Ravenclaw!" He very pointedly turned away from me, grumbling with indignation. If I didn't know any better... I'd say he really was jealous.  
"...Thank you." He stiffened slightly, but refused to face me.  
"...What?"  
"You know, for last night. And for defending my virtue. I think you're very sweet."  
"Trust me, it won't last." Just then, Madam Pomfrey came in with breakfast for the both of us, which was eaten in silence. I was hoping for a chance to talk to Professor Snape again afterwards, but as soon as he'd finished his food Dumbledore came and whisked him away. I was left sitting alone, bored, for an hour or two before Madam Pomfrey returned to put up a privacy curtain, check me over, and inform me that I had a visitor.  
Ginny walked in and sat beside me, smiling. "So... Er... How do you feel, Nadia?" There was something in her voice that told me something was up.  
"Alright, what happened? Tell me now, or die." Ginny snorted.  
"Fine, fine. Apparently, last night, some boys poured love potion into the fountain." She sniggered. "So... Last night... Professor Snape was in love with you." My jaw dropped. My eyebrows flew up. My heart jumped into my throat.  
"Seriously?!?" She nodded, sniggering again.  
"So... uh... Did anything happen?" I couldn't believe it.  
"No. Well, nothing sexual." I grinned. "He sang to me." She looked like I'd just told her that he cross-dressed and let me spank him.  
"Really? This is a momentous occasion. It is." I only shook my head. "So what did he sing? A dramatic love ballad, something like that?"  
"Actually, strangely enough... It was 'A Pirate's Life for Me.'" She stared.  
"A pirate song." I nodded. "Snape's nutters. That's the only explanation."  
"Well, this may surprise you, but I find the song rather soothing. And it's not like he jumped up and belted it out. I was asleep, and I woke up and heard it." She shook her head, a good imitation of me.  
"That's insane." I shrugged. "Oh, by the way, Colin doesn't know about the whole potion thing, yet. And Madame Pomfrey's already administered the treatment to both you and Professor Snape; she put it in your food this morning. She said it takes a while to kick in, but it should have worked by now."  
"What? NO!!" I made a frustrated noise and slumped back on my pillow. "I don't believe it. How could she? I mean- all the- and- oh, never mind." I sighed. "So much for that idea." I was planning to seduce him.  
"Don't worry, we've still got the SSS to think about. Maybe it'll help."  
"Of course." Our conversation would have continued, but then Madam Pomfrey stuck her head through the privacy curtain.  
"You have another visitor," she informed us, sounding disgruntled, then bustled off. I expected it to be Luna, or Colin again, but it wasn't.  
"Ah, hello, Nadia. How are you feeling?" I blinked at Professor Lupin.  
"I'm fine, Professor." There had to be a reason for this. Did I miss an assignment? Oh, wait, it was Christmas holidays.  
"I'll see you later," Ginny muttered, greeting Professor Lupin and hurrying out with a wink in my direction. I suppose she doesn't know he's gay.  
"So, you came to visit because...?" I always like to be very direct with Professor Lupin. Mostly because he doesn't take points off for it.  
"I just thought I'd check in on you." I waited. "You know, keep you company." I continued to wait. "...I heard what happened last night. Any better?"  
"Madam Pomfrey slipped a cure into the breakfast food." I sighed. "Too bad." He grinned a bit.  
"Too bad, eh? I'd like to have seen how he acted."  
"About the same," I muttered. "And he got jealous of Colin."  
"He always was the jealous type." I paused for a moment.  
"Why are you so friendly to me, anyway?" I'd been wondering for a while.  
"I'm friendly to everyone." I sincerely doubted it.  
"How often do you visit students in the hospital wing?"  
"...Every other day." As if that were true. But, I decided to drop it and change the subject. I was convinced that Professor Lupin had some ulterior motive to being so nice to me, as I believe I have stated before, but I knew he wasn't about to spill it.  
"Professor, thank you for visiting."  
"It's no trouble at all." He offered me a cute little smile that I just wanted to steal and stick in my pocket. Yeah, I'm weird. He talked to me a bit longer about some stuff, and it wasn't much longer before Madam Pomfrey brought in another visitor.  
"Dad?"  
"I think I'll give the two of you some privacy," Professor Lupin muttered, walking away a bit more quickly than I would have expected.  
"...Hi, Dad." He sat down on the edge of my bed, sighing.  
"Thank goodness you're alright." I raised an eyebrow.  
"What are you doing here?" No matter how bad their conditions may be, students are almost never visited by their parents in the hospital wing.  
"I..." Was he starting to blush? "I was... In a meeting... With... the Headmaster. And then I heard you were... here. So. What are you doing here?" My other eyebrow drifted upwards.  
"I'm a student here. Remember?" He waved his hand about dismissively, snorting a bit.  
"No, I mean- what are you doing in the infirmary? What happened?"  
"I fell in a fountain spiked with love potion. And so did Professor Snape."  
"Really?" There was a bit of a devious note in his voice, which I knew was never a good sign.  
"But Madam Pomfrey cured us already," I hastily added. He seemed disappointed.  
"Ah. I see. Where is Professor Snape?"  
"The Headmaster wanted to talk to him. Don't ask me about any details, because I've no idea." He nodded slowly.  
"...So. Professor Snape... You want him to be your little booty boy, right?"  
"Excuse me?"  
"Well, that's what I heard."  
"Jesus, Dad! 'Booty boy?'"  
"Yeah, you know, like booty calls. Did you give him a booty call?"  
"Shut up! Someone will hear you!" He looked as if he was trying not to laugh.  
"You were obviously trying to get at it, with those scissors-"  
"STOP. Now."  
"If you insist." He let out a heavy sigh. You see? I always tell people about how my dad makes fun of me all the time, but no one believes me! "So you're feeling alright?"  
"Yes, I'm fine."  
"Oh, good." It was at that moment that the sound of a door opening and closing drifted to my ears, followed by some familiar sullen grumbling. "I think I'll go have a word with Professor Snape," Dad said suddenly, standing.  
"No don't-" Too late. As he was walking off, Ginny returned, suddenly snapping her head around to stare at him, almost falling down as she felt her way into the chair beside my bed. I watched with raised eyebrows as she craned her neck to peer around the privacy curtain at Dad, waiting patiently. Finally, she settled back in her chair, sighed, and said, "Nadia, your dad's really hot." ...Disgusting.  
"Ginny," I replied, "you are now officially the grossest person in the world."  
"Oh, come on- face it. Your dad's a looker. I mean, that hair, those eyes... And he may not be a muscle man, but still- damn!"  
"Stop it, right now."  
"Though, I wouldn't mind if he were a bit taller-"  
"Ginny! Hello! That's my dad! My married dad!"  
"...Your mum's very lucky." She leaned back to look around the privacy curtain again. "...Very, very lucky."  
"You should be banned from speaking."  
"He looks pretty young for a dad, you know?"  
"He was nineteen when I was born."  
"Oh, wow... Oh! He's talking to Professor Snape!" I blinked.  
"Whaaaat?" Yes, I am indeed a large bird. Seriously, though, I couldn't believe he was actually doing it.  
"Sh!" she muttered. "If I can just strain my ears a bit... I think... Snape is talking about... Being stabbed in the bum."  
"Aha."  
"And... Your dad is saying... That Snape is very sexy, and he wants to shag him."  
"GINNY!"  
"Fine! He's basically saying that it's no big deal. Oh! And here comes Professor Lupin, to the rescue."  
"And?"  
"I think he just patted your dad's bum."  
"Ginny, if you don't stop making things up-"  
"Actually, I'm serious."  
"...Move over." I pushed Ginny aside and looked around the privacy curtain, observing the scene. Professor Snape was looking very disgruntled while Dad was saying something, gesturing quite wildly, Professor Lupin standing beside him and trying not to get hit. Then Dad clapped Professor Lupin on the back and he... Blushed? Nah. Just my imagination. "There's nothing out of the ordinary going on," I informed Ginny flatly, laying back in bed.  
"Really?" she asked doubtfully, again sticking her head out to look. After a few moments she looked back at me, her eyebrows raised, then returned to staring at whatever was going on outside the privacy curtain. I could hear voices starting to rise, but I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. "You know... It looks like... Like the Professors are fighting over your dad."  
"I'm not going to fall for that."  
"Really, though, they are! Physically! It's like a tug of war out there!" Honestly, she really needs to stop playing jokes.  
"I know you're lying," I replied, crossing my arms.  
"No I'm not," she practically sang out. "It looks like Professor Snape's winning. Oh- wait- Lupin's just whacked him with a bed pan! Now he's in the lead!" She really has a very active imagination. "But, hold on a moment- Snape's got your Dad by the waist- but Lupin's arms are hooked under his- your dad's squawking like a bird, and I don't blame him- OH! Snape just got Lupin in the family jewels! Now that's got to hurt! Alright, looks like Snape's taking home the prize- but no! Lupin makes a full recovery and charges! Alright, now Snape and Lupin are having it out, and it looks like your dad's going to crawl away and escape- ooh! Tough luck! Looks like Snape just got your dad by the ankles. Wait- Lupin's got Snape in a headlock, but Snape isn't about to let go. OH MY! Your dad just nailed them both in the face. I guess the professors are going to have footprints on them for a while. Now Snape's chasing your dad, Lupin's right behind them- OUCH! Your dad actually flipped Snape over, and then Lupin! They're both lying in a dazed heap on the floor, now, apparently getting some sort of lecture from your dad. Wow. Well, I supposed that means the action's over." She turned back to me and smiled.  
"You know, Ginny, you could get into the creative writing business with no problem."  
"Thanks, but I just called it how I saw it."  
"...Right." But I couldn't resist. I just had to see what was really going on out there. So, I leaned over to take a look and... It was just as I suspected. The professors and my dad were all just standing there, having a perfectly calm and civil conversation.  
"You know, I don't blame them for fighting over him," Ginny stated calmly, looking out at the extremely normal scene. "He is one hot piece of ass."  
"You can stop, now. I know you're lying."  
"Fine, suit yourself." Just then, Luna came walking around the privacy curtain.  
"Hello, Luna," I greeted. "Nice to see you." She stared at me for a moment.  
"...I think they were fighting over your dad." Oh, Christ, they're both in on it!  
"That's enough! I'm not falling for your damn jokes, alright? Now stop it!" Luna just shrugged and sat down in an empty chair.  
"Hey, Luna," Ginny suddenly said, looking devious. "Isn't Nadia's dad sexy?"  
"Yes," she answered airily.  
"I hate the both of you."  
"Merlin," Ginny sighed, "I would shag him in a second if-"  
"Hullo, girls. What are you talking about?" She went red as Dad approached, looking a bit worn out.  
"Er- homework."  
"Ah, excellent! Well, Nadia, I just wanted to wish you well and say goodbye- I've got to be getting along. Professor Snape's agreed to a parent- teacher conference-"  
"DAD!" NO. No, no, no, no. He will not embarrass me!  
"Well, your behavior's been very disturbing as of late, according to him, and I've got to set things straight before you get an ass kicking. And I've got a busy schedule today, otherwise- with work an all-"  
"You're always working." Which is true. Sometimes he sleeps in his office.  
"And you're at school, so it's none of your concern. Now, have a good rest of the year, and I'll see you in the summer. Happy Hols, toodle-ooh, etcetera."  
"Bye, Dad." And then he ran off. To destroy my life. Arrrrrrrrr. Mateys.  
"Look at that ass-"  
"Shut up, Ginny!"  
"Next task," Luna said abruptly, probably to change the subject. Ginny suddenly grinned very widely.  
"I'd been thinking about that and I've got the best idea-"  
"Oh no," I groaned. "I just got frozen in a fountain, can't I have a break?"  
"You will," she replied. "This won't take place until classes start again."  
"...Alright. Lay it on me."  
"Next potions class, whenever Snape looks at you, wink at him and blow him a kiss. And try to do it in a very exaggerated fashion." I stared at her for a long time.  
"...You... Are becoming more and more frightening as time goes on."  
"Well, what can I say? Oh, and I've been meaning to ask you- do you have the hots for Lupin or something? Because I think you could get him-"  
"Ginny. Stop. He's gay." She blinked.  
"Oh? Really?"  
"Yes. Really." She looked rather downtrodden upon coming to this revelation.  
"You didn't know?" Luna asked. "It was pretty obvious."  
"Oh? how?" Ginny asked.  
"He dates men," Luna replied. I've got to hand it to her, that's a pretty good reply. We talked for a bit more after that (Snape's student came up, heehee) before Madam Pomfrey came and set me free. I got dressed, skipped off into the sunset, etcetera. I couldn't find Colin anywhere, and found out through Ginny that he was treading lightly, in case Snape attempted to murder him again.  
So, being free from confinement to a hospital bed, I decided to... Take a nap. That's pretty much everything. Well, it's time for a bath. I feel so grody! And if I find out that Dad said anything to Professor Snape that I'm going to have to pay for, I will go into Hogsmeade, get a portkey home, and wring his neck. Not that I don't love my father, anyway. It's just that I'm afraid of what might result from his socializing with people I know. Anyway... Bath. Prefects' bathroom = good. Yum. Nadia Page, signing off.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
And yes, Professor Lupin does indeed have an ulterior motive to being nice to Nadia. Hmm, can anyone guess what it might be? Heh, I'm evil.  
  
Next chapter: Butt angels. And other stuff. That's all I'm saying.  
  
And special thanks to Miceala Rose for contributing a task! Actually, I don't even remember if I put it in this chapter. If I didn't, it'll be the next one. Promise. I'll SOOPRISE you. 


	8. Booty Boy

xSnapeLoverx, hpfanknitgirl, Nabiki, Me the Charmer, and Son of Evil are now officially the smartest persons in the world. And thank you all so much. And especially Hated Angel.  
  
Anyway, Sorry that this chapter is so unbearably short, but I kept getting writers' block and being all blah, and getting sick and stuff, and experiencing chronic fatigue or something minor like that... Anyway, it's better than nothing. And my task well is sort of... Running dry. So, if anyone would like to donate tasks in their reviews, I'd be happy to receive them.  
  
By the way, the story of how Severus met Nadia has been posted, for those of you who haven't read it yet. It's called "Really Bad Eggs," and, as those of you who are fans of Pirates of the Caribbean will immediately know, there's a little bit of a pirate theme going on there. Johnny Depp is so sexy.  
  
So, Keeping in mind that this is probably the longest Author's Notes thing I've ever written, move on to chapter 8, in which love letters are written, angels are squashed, and Professor Lupin is set up with a certain platinum blonde Slytherin...  
  
Disclaimer: WHY DID YOU TELL EVERYBODY OUR LOVE SECRET!?!?!? *Warning: Severus Snape is a dirty, dirty man with a tampon fetish. Run wild, Tampon Boy! He's a menstrual case!  
  
I just thought that I would let you know.  
  
~  
  
Chapter 8: Booty Boy  
  
* ~ January 5 ~ *  
  
Arrrr, mateys. The holidays were very nice, what with all the relaxing (and actually deciding that, yes, Colin is in fact my boyfriend now.) However, guess what class I had on the first day back? That's right, potions. Which means I needed to wink and blow kisses all through the lesson. Though, I think I might have done that anyway. It's really too bad that Colin doesn't have potions with me; I'd like to see him get unreasonably jealous. I know it's mean, but I can't help it. I'm just a mean person.  
  
As I was saying, potions class. I was actually kind of dreading the lesson, since I still have no idea what had gone on during that ominous parent-teacher conference... Knowing my dad... Something very bad. And embarrassing. And possibly resulting in Professor Snape being physically injured. Well, at least I know where I get it from.  
  
I did see Professor Snape once, while I was up extra early making a snowman of a gay pirate I made up, named Dumas Daley. He was headed for Hagrid's hut, so I threw a snowball and hit him right in the back of the head. Heehee. I got scolded, but it didn't matter much to me. However, while he was walking back into the castle (and I thought I was out of danger) a snowball hit me full-speed, right in the boob! Damn, it hurt like a bitch. And, of course, Professor Snape was already gone. Then I realized- he threw a snowball at me! Which meant that, technically, we had a snowball fight! Eee! It made me very happy. Except for the sore breast part.  
  
Anyway, back to the task. I walked into the classroom at my customary early time, seating myself at the middle work table, where Professor Snape would be able to see me perfectly throughout the entire lesson. He wasn't in the classroom yet, so I entertained myself by imagining him giving me a lap dance. Yum...  
  
He showed up right before the bell rang, obviously in bad spirits, and jerkily turned to glare at us from behind his desk. I winked right at him a blew a kiss; it was very exaggerated, as Ginny had suggested. His jaw twitched momentarily before he started a lecture on the properties and uses of wolfsbane. After a bit, he looked my way again, and I winked and blew another kiss. Scowling, he turned away and continued the lecture.  
  
All through class I kept winking and blowing kisses, but Professor Snape just kept ignoring me. Then, as everyone was packing up, I winked and blew another kiss. "Miss Page, please stay after class." It sounded like I was going to get a tongue lashing, so I waited until all my classmates had cleared out of the room and approached his desk, preparing myself for the worst. Glaring at me, he let out a low growl and slammed his hands on his desk, standing up to loom ominously over me. "I am not your booty boy!" I blinked, trying to process what had just been said to me. By Professor Snape.  
  
"...'Booty boy?'" I'm sure my expression was a perfect mix between embarrassed and horrified. "Professor, what did my father say to you?"  
  
"A great many things," he snarled, making it obvious that none of these many things had a calming effect on his much-abused nerves.  
  
"Er... Am I in trouble for it?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"...Why?" He paused for a moment.  
  
"Because I don't much like you. Detention with McGonagall."  
  
"I knew you hated me." He snorted.  
  
"I dislike you. It's quite different."  
  
"...I think you're just making all of this up." Professor Snape was acting very sexy.  
  
"Kindly remove yourself. I've work to do." Bastard.  
  
"Fine," I said stiffly, heading out of the room with my nose in the air. "I guess that means that you're sleeping on the couch tonight."  
  
"What-" I slammed the door behind me. Haha, what a face!  
  
After that, I decided to go lounge in the library with the other members of the SSS and try to think up more tasks. Of course, they were already waiting, a large stack of books on the table. Apparently, we're going to perform more spells on Professor Snape. So, I sat down next to Colin, graced him with a kiss on the cheek, and grabbed a book from the pile. "We were thinking of using magical aid for the next task," Ginny informed me, quite unnecessarily.  
  
"I see," I replied, flipping through the book. "Have you found anything good yet?"  
  
"Just the usual," Colin replied. "Most of it's rather boring."  
  
"I thought the singing was nice," Luna stated nonchalantly. "Nadia should serenade him." Luna dies.  
  
"You know, that's not bad at all," Ginny muttered, grinning. "You should return the favor, after all." I let out a long-suffering sigh.  
  
"Fine, fine, I'll-" I paused as a spell in the book caught my attention. "Hey, look at this." I held the book out for the others to see. "There's a spell here on conjuring illusions. All we have to do is think up something and modify the spell. Neat, huh?" Wicked looks were exchanged between the four of us.  
  
"We have to use this on Snape," Colin said, looking over the spell. "Though... What would we conjure?" Luna and I gave each other meaningful looks, apparently both of us recalling a conversation from the morning we'd had, in which Professor Snape's rear end had played a vital role.  
  
"I've got an idea," I replied. "You see, this morning Luna and I were just discussing our dear professor, and his bottom part. I happened to mention that it has its own ethereal glow, which brings me to thinking... Perhaps we could cast a spell on him to have light coming out of his bum? Ooh, and angels flying around it and singing choir songs, that would be good, too." I was stared at for a long time. Then...  
  
"Nadia, that's brilliant!" Ginny exclaimed. "I'll get to making the spell right away! I'll have it ready by tomorrow, you lot just sit tight." With that, she rushed off, tightly clutching the book.  
  
"...Time for a love letter," Luna suddenly piped up, yanking out a piece of parchment and slapping it down on the table.  
  
"This'll be easy," Colin gloated. "Just write what you would say to me."  
  
"Colin," I sighed, "we're supposed to be trying to make him think I love him, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, I remember- hey!" Oh, I'm good. "You know, you still have to do that singing task."  
  
"Aheheh." I elbowed him. So, we got to writing the love letter, and when we'd finished Colin and I went off and snogged (trust me, it's not as interesting as it sounds) then I made him promise to let me spank him at a later date and went on my merry pervert way. Even though I am not a pervert. Really. (Colin's a butt slut.)  
  
* ~ January 7 ~ *  
  
Wow... That angels around the butt thing... Didn't turn out quite as planned. Yesterday, Ginny handed me the spell she'd made up, and forced me to promise to wait until she was watching to do it. In the corridors. So, I spent the rest of the day ignoring my classes (History of Magic is boring as hell, anyway) and memorizing the spell.  
  
I was walking through the corridor, joined by Ginny, Luna, and Colin, thinking that I might not see Professor Snape at all that day, when there he was. He had just come prowling around a corner, black robes billowing, looking absolutely murderous. I did as the other students were doing and backed out of his way, watching him go. Then, taking my cue from Luna, I sent the spell after him, suppressing a giggle at the gentle light that had come tumbling forth from his buttocks.  
  
And there they were. Blonde little angels, fluttering about, one with a harp and another with what looked like Cupid's bow and arrows. And they sang, in shrill, high little voices. "Hallelujah, HALLELUJAH!!!!!" It was off key, and sort of hurt my ears. They giggled, little tittering noises that grated on the nerves like sandpaper against aluminum. "Teeheeheehee!" Horrible. Disgusting. I stepped on them; it was just like squashing a bug. Hey, they were only illusions created by a spell, anyway.  
  
"I'm sorry, Professor." Then I turned and walked away, the soft glow from Professor Snape's rear end casting long shadows. I could hear the laughter of the entire student body following me as I went, and felt rather pleased by it.  
  
Of course, I wasn't so pleased when Professor Snape caught up to me at dinner and gave me a detention for tonight at 11 o' clock at night! That's just way to late to be serving a detention that would probably take three or more hours to complete.  
  
So, I decided to be angry at him for keeping me up, even though I would probably be awake, anyway. And today I had some sort of conference with Professor Lupin, apparently, about the essay I had recently handed in. Which, as I had suspected, turned out to be afternoon tea in his office. With biscuits. Yum! However, halfway through our chat about his ineptitude with all things muggle, the subject was changed. "About your essay, Nadia..."  
  
"Oh, that! Is there something wrong with it?"  
  
"Yes... You see, when I asked for a foot on shielding charms, a love letter was not exactly what I had in mind... Though, I can understand how you would get the two mixed up." I blushed. Oh no! My terrible secret had been revealed to Professor Lupin!  
  
"Oh. Er... I... That's not my essay." Thank God I hadn't sent the letter yet. "And if you'll just give it back, I'll hand in the essay as soon as possible, I promise."  
  
"Of course. Next time, though, you could at least address it to me." I was very embarrassed.  
  
"...You're not going to tell Professor Snape about this, are you?"  
  
"Don't worry. I know how to keep a secret." He offered me a comforting smile. I breathed a sigh of relief, especially when I finally had the letter back in my hands.  
  
"Thank you so much." I sipped at my tea. "So... Any new boyfriends yet?" His cheeks were tinged an attractive shade of pink.  
  
"Er... No."  
  
"I really should set you up with someone," I sighed, Draco Malfoy immediately coming to mind. That would be so hot... Why didn't I think of it before!?  
  
"I... I really don't think..."  
  
"What about Draco Malfoy?" I suggested, hoping I could convince him. He choked a bit on his tea.  
  
"Er- as interesting as that sounds, I don't think- I mean-"  
  
"Great! I'll write him!" He looked rather bewildered.  
  
"...Alright."  
  
"You two can have a date in Hogsmeade!"  
  
"Uhh... Yay?" I grinned at him.  
  
"Trust me, you would be such a cute couple." He chuckled nervously. "I know you don't think it's very likely, but you two would complement each other perfectly. And you really need to start playing the field, Professor, if you don't mind my saying so. One should never go for too long without getting laid, as my uncle always says!" Even though he's a priest. And Professor Lupin was choking on his tea again.  
  
"Your uncle?"  
  
"Yes. The priest one I told you about, you know."  
  
"Right. Priest." He looked a bit uncomfortable. I suppose it's understandable, what with the lycanthropy and homosexuality. Seeing as the church seems to be generally against those things.  
  
"Anyway, I'd better get to my homework. And that letter to Draco! I think you'll hit it off rather well."  
  
"Er... Thank you. How utterly... Nosy... Of you."  
  
"I know, I get it from my father. And my big Greek family, too. See you later, Professor."  
  
"Have a good afternoon, Nadia." And so I went on my merry way.  
  
Writing the letter to Draco was fun, seeing as I had to think of a way to get him to agree to drag his lazy ass over to Hogsmeade next weekend, which is a Hogsmeade weekend, for a blind date, no less! If I told him right away that it's Professor Lupin, there's no way he would come. Heheh, come. But, they would get along so well. I know it! I mean, after the amount of time I spent with Draco (mostly because of Blaise) I could practically call him my hot gay friend. Which always makes me giddy, because adding him to Professor Lupin brings the total to two, which is more than I had hoped for. Having two hot gay friends who also happen to be having sex with each other would be even better.  
  
Of course, this means that I will have to take on the traditional matchmaker duties. Such as, meeting Draco in Hogsmeade and telling him last minute exactly who his date happens to be, and getting him to still attend the fated meeting. Then, of course, I'll need to monitor the date and make sure all goes according to plan. I'll need help from the SSS, surely, to avoid any major disasters. And then, I'll need to make sure that the absolutely necessary end-of-date kiss commences without a hitch. It's a difficult job, but somebody's got to do it.  
  
After I had finished the letter to Draco and most of my homework, I went up to the owlery and mailed it, along with the love letter to Professor Snape. And I made absolutely sure that the letters were in the correct envelopes. It wouldn't do at all for Draco to receive a declaration of love, or for Professor Snape to receive the suggestion that he go on a blind date with another man. I can't be too sure, but I'm fairly certain that he's straight.  
  
Once that series of tasks had been completed, I settled down for a nap. Then, once the nap had been completed, I headed down to the dungeons for my very late detention. The door to Professor Snape's office was open slightly, and at first I didn't think anything of it, but then I heard a voice drift through the crack.  
  
"Fucker." I paused, listening quite carefully when I realized that the voice belonged to Professor Snape.  
  
"...What is it?" I paid even closer attention upon coming to the conclusion that the second voice was property of Professor Lupin, edging closer to the door.  
  
"Damn, that's tight." I froze completely, not even bothering to breathe. "It's too tight!"  
  
"What do you mean, Severus?"  
  
"I mean it's too tight, dammit! I can't get it out!"  
  
"Well, pull harder."  
  
"I'm doing it as hard as I can, Lupin. Here, hold it."  
  
"Jesus, this thing is big."  
  
"Just shut up and hold on, I'll pull." There was some low grunting, as I imagined the naughty things that must be going on inside that office. "Shit!"  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Move your leg!"  
  
"Well, if you'd move your arm-"  
  
"I never should have asked you to do this."  
  
"Christ, Severus, all you do is bitch. I'm trying to do you a favor here!"  
  
"Well, Lupin, if you'd actually help me out here, I'd-"  
  
"Professors?" I pushed the door open, hoping to see something hot and bothering. However, to my great disappointment, both Professors were fully clothed, and neither were doing anything that even remotely resembled sex. "...What are you doing?"  
  
"Er..." Professor Lupin blinked. They had their limbs braced in strange places, leaning between Snape's desk and the many shelves lining the office... Trying to get a stopper out of a bottle. "...Nothing."  
  
"If I were you," I went on, "I'd try to be a bit more quiet, or at least tone down the dialogue." They both looked puzzled. "I don't know about either of you, but I thought you two were having some hot gay sex in here. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed."  
  
"What!?" Professor Snape seemed very offended.  
  
"We'll- er- try to keep it down." Professor Lupin looked as if he was trying not to laugh.  
  
"That's what I get for spending so much time with an arse bandit," Professor Snape grumbled under his breath. Well, that was a rather mean thing to say. So...  
  
"Oh, dear me, Professor Snape! Oh my, oh my!" I cried, throwing my hand to my forehead in exaggerated distress.  
  
"...What?" He threw an angry glance at Professor Lupin, who was looking quite interested.  
  
"It seems as though you've caught the dreaded homosexuality, sir!" It was quiet enough to hear crickets chirp. Then, I heard Professor Lupin let out a low chuckle.  
  
"Poof," Professor Snape muttered quite clearly, crossing his arms and scowling. Professor Lupin only increased the volume of his laughter.  
  
"Quick, Professor Snape!" I exclaimed, deciding to milk this joke for all it was worth. "You've got to decontaminate yourself! Hurry, show a heterosexual display of testosterone that will leave me, a helpless young lady, in a swoon! Swiftly, smite that rainbow from your heart and go out to kill some deer! Make haste, make haste, and stare at the most likely false breasts of a well-endowed woman! You must get the gay out, Professor! Get the GAY OUT!!" Professor Lupin doubled over in laughter, tears coming to his eyes.  
  
"Yes, Severus," he agreed breathlessly, as Professor Snape audibly ground his teeth, "get the gay out." Then, he dissolved into laughter again.  
  
"That is ENOUGH!" Professor Snape bellowed, looking furious. "I will not be mocked in my own office!"  
  
"Good show!" I clapped a few times. "I can smell the testosterone, professor! What an absolutely heterosexual display of unbridled manhood!"  
  
"I'd like to bridle your manhood, Professor GAYpe," Professor Lupin said, bursting again into laughter. He'd never acted that way in front of any students before, but apparently he'd gotten into the joke.  
  
"Gaype?" I asked. "As in... Gay pride?" Now I was starting to laugh, especially at the look on Professor Snape's face. "Oh, professor- perhaps if you masturbated to some lesbians? Maybe that would eradicate the latent homosexuality that is apparently tearing wildly through your-"  
  
"ENOUGH!" he roared, seething. "OUT!!" He illustrated his command by pointing a shaking finger at the door.  
  
"Alright, alright, I can see you need some alone time with your sexuality issues!" And with that I rushed out of the room, and hid in a place where I could very conveniently eavesdrop on the following conversation between the two professors, with the help of a few charms and a patented Weasley extendable ear. By the time I had finished this, a conversation was already established, and I had apparently missed a few key points.  
  
"...Decide for myself!" Professor Snape finished, agitated.  
  
"Severus... What are you talking about?"  
  
"What am I- What am I talking about? THIS! THIS HERE!!" I scurried up to the door and peered through the crack, eager to get a look, and saw him holding up a piece of parchment on which there was a picture of him, crudely drawn in a child's hand, with crayon, no less... And he was pissing and shitting at the same time. It was hilarious. I stifled a snort of laughter as I imagined what child would have drawn such a picture, and whether said child was still among the living.  
  
"Er... Severus? Are you alright?" Professor Snape growled, then flipped the parchment over and shoved it into Professor Lupin's hands. On the other side there was a lot of text and fine print, with some signatures at the bottom. I couldn't quite make it out. There was silence as Professor Lupin read it, then a sharp intake of breath as he nearly dropped the parchment. Regaining his composure, he continued to read, then slowly lowered it as he stared incredulously at Professor Snape. "Severus..." he breathed. "I had no idea... So this is why..." He trailed off, then took another deep breath. "Do you..."  
  
"No!" Professor Snape snapped, a little too quickly, looking extremely agitated. "Of course not! How could I?" He paced for a bit, irritably running his hand through his hair and muttering swears under his breath, then finally settled for leaning against his desk and crossing his arms, glaring.  
  
"But you have some feelings, don't you?" Professor Lupin inquired. Grr! What were they talking about? Dammit!  
  
"Why should I confide in you?" he growled back.  
  
"You can't keep it bottled up inside. Besides... Is there anyone else?"  
  
"...Fine." Professor Snape cast his eyes to the ground. "Perhaps... Perhaps I feel something. What really makes me angry is that I can't get out of this, and what makes me want to kill someone is that he knew. He knew it all along, that this would happen. Somehow, he knew, and that- that thing was some kind of insurance." WHAT HAPPEN?!?  
  
"And you're afraid," Professor Lupin observed quietly.  
  
"What-? No! Of course not!" Professor Snape looked outraged.  
  
"You are," he replied. "You're scared to death. Of what might happen when you have to go through with it. Of what you might feel. Or what-"  
  
"Stop it! Just... Shut up. You'd probably be... jumping out of your skin by now, in my place." He looked rather sulky, glaring down at Professor Lupin from behind a thin curtain of black hair. "I... I've never been too adept at things like this. I never wanted any of this, in fact. Now it's all dropped down on my shoulders and..." He sighed, seemingly open for once. "...I just don't know what to do... How to react..." He grimaced, as if he'd just swallowed a fly.  
  
"Severus... Listen, it's alright." I was wondering what exactly it was that was alright. "Things will work out for the best. After all, you said it yourself; he's known all along. He'd never steer you wrong, you know."  
  
"How can you have so much faith in that tit? After what he did to you?" Professor Lupin shrugged.  
  
"Forgiveness, I suppose," he answered casually. "An exercise that would benefit you greatly, Severus." Professor Snape scowled at him. "My advice would be to give it some time. Just try to sort yourself out and then... Let things fall into place. I mean, already-"  
  
"Quiet!" he  
suddenly ordered.  
"Someone is  
eavesdropping."  
  
"Oh?" My stomach plunged down to my feet.  
  
"I can tell." Then, he raised his voice, sounding annoyed. "Albus, is that you?" I did the first thing that came to mind; I slowly and quietly started to back away. "Show yourself!" A bit faster, now... "Dammit!" SHIT ON A STICK. I ran for my life and didn't stop until I reached the third floor, at which point I leaned against the wall and panted heavily. And wondered what the hell Professors Lupin and Snape were talking about. It had something to do with feelings... What kind of feelings, and about what, I had no idea. And there was obviously at least one other person involved. It seemed to be really getting to Professor Snape, though. I feel awfully bad for bothering him all year, when he obviously had something serious weighing heavily on his mind.  
  
...Heehee. That drawing was the most hilarious thing this side of the equator, though. I wonder how it came to be? Maybe Professor Snape has a little niece or nephew or something? Perhaps a cousin with children? Hmm, so many possibilities. Like the possibility of me going to sleep. And I am so lying about why I didn't show up for that detention. Colin's a trout sniffer.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Woohoo! This story has breeched 1000 total hits!!! (Yes, I keep track of that kind of thing. I'm pathetic, I know.) Thanks to all the reviewers and everyone who just looked at this but didn't review! (Gives dirty looks.) w00t! Shout out to Dane Cook, my homeboy. But not really, because I've never met him.  
  
Anyway, as I stated before (just in case you didn't read the A/N in the beginning of the chapter, you silly people, you) if you want to know what Professor Snape was talking about, then read "Really Bad Eggs," the one- shot I wrote about the first meeting of him and Nadia. Go now! It's posted! Yes, it most assuredly is! And with a pirate theme, too!  
  
Next chapter: Remus and Draco's (ominous music) date. Will it go as planned? Will Nadia ruin it with her... Nosy horniness? Will Professor Snape ever exact revenge on the child responsible for such a crude drawing? (Teehee.) Find out in the next exciting chapter! Yay! Alright, now go stick your thumbs up your butts while you wait.  
  
And thanks to Miceala Rose for the winking/blowing kisses task and Me the Charmer for the singing task! 


	9. Operation: Lay Lupin

Here it is! Chapter nine! Call it an April Fool's Day gift. Thanks for all the reviews, youse guys! Anyway, this chapter features the much anticipated date between Draco and Remus. Plus a lot of demented hijinx. Draco gets injured (repeatedly,) Snape finally snaps and tried to kill Nadia, and then there's another appearance by Nathanyel! Horay! Okay, so go now.  
  
Disclaimer: All your Potterverse are belong to J.K. Rowling.  
  
~  
  
Chapter 9: Operation: Lay Lupin  
  
* ~ January 18 ~ *  
  
It's been a while, I know, but we had another breaking period in the SSS tasks. Mostly because we had taken upon ourselves the momentous task of setting up Professor Lupin with Draco. Colin, of course, refused to be involved in any way. "It's gross!" was his main point of argument. Ginny and Luna, however, agreed to help me quite readily.  
  
"He may be a git," Ginny said of Draco, "but at least he's sexy." And so, we were off like bandits with fine china. First, we had to wait for Draco's reply.  
  
We didn't have to wait very long. It was two days later when an eagle owl came flying in with the morning post, dropping an envelope before me. Of course, Draco had to be all fancy and write in green ink, as always, so I knew right away that it was from him. It stated that he would agree to the date, but only if it was someone decent and not a crazed imbecile (such as Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, or any Gryffindor in general.) I scribbled quickly that the man in question was a responsible, intelligent adult who also happened to be a tiger in the sack. I figured that would get him to agree to meet me in Hogsmeade, and I was right.  
  
Next step: talk to Professor Lupin. That wasn't too difficult, since all I had to do was stay after class. (By the way, I got full marks on that essay... Once I handed it in.) "Operation: Lay Lupin is a go, sir," I informed him. I just like talking like that.  
  
"...Operation what?"  
  
"That's not important. What's important is that you meet Draco at Sorella's on Burro street, noon sharp. This is imperative!" So I was exaggerating a little... It's fun to pretend that everyday tasks are really top secret operations. Really. It's perfectly normal. Besides, this was a very important operation. This was life or death, hot gay sex or celibacy, here!  
  
"Er... Alright. If you insist."  
  
"Do you know where that is?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Excellent!" Professor Lupin jumped a bit, apparently startled. "Let's move out!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"GO GO GO!!" And then I began to scamper off, giggling madly. However, Professor Snape suddenly obstructed the doorway, looking his normal sour self. When he saw me hurtling towards him, he spread his legs and braced himself. "DIVE DIVE DIVE!!" I dove between his legs, then pushed myself to my feet and ran away, still giggling madly. I could hear Professor Snape behind me as I went, asking Lupin if he'd given me any sort of illegal substance.  
  
Then, the exciting day came. The day of the date. I went into Hogsmeade at seven with Colin, giving Ginny and Luna express instructions on where and when to meet me. Then, I had my own little date with Colin. Which, basically, was going to the normal spots for students to go to, followed by me dragging him to adult bookstores and sex shops. What can I say? I'm of age, and I have very broad tastes. After expanding my collection quite a bit, I carried him off to be snogged senseless. With handcuffs on. You know, I think he liked it.  
  
However, all good things must come to an end, and so I packed away my handcuffs, left my packages and a kiss on the cheek with Colin, and ran off to meet Draco. I waited on the side street where I'd told Draco to meet me, tapping my foot impatiently. If he didn't hurry, he was going to be late. Then, I spied him walking towards me, feeling quite happy that he had finally arrived.  
  
Oh, no. He'd spotted the new Quidditch supply store. Don't stop, don't stop... He stopped. Sighing, I took a deep breath and... "IT'S DRACO LUSCIOUS MALFOY!!!!" People stopped and stared at me. "YOOHOO!! IT'S MY LITTLE YUM-YUM!!!!" Turning an angry shade of red, Draco ducked through the crowd, grabbed me tightly by my arm, and pulled me into a darkened alleyway.  
  
"Don't you ever call me that in public again!" he snarled indignantly.  
  
"Nice to see you, too."  
  
"Yes," he sniffed. "Very nice indeed." I punched him playfully in the arm and he winced.  
  
"You're such a girl," I sighed, brushing the grime from the alley off myself as I stepped back out into the light of day.  
  
"I am NOT a girl! How many times do I have to defend myself from that accusation!? Isn't my manly charm obvious?" I eyed him.  
  
"No, not really. But don't worry, the man you're meeting won't mind a lack of masculinity." He grumbled something incoherent.  
  
"...And it had better not be Snape." I laughed menacingly.  
  
"Perhaps it is." He paused.  
  
"You had better be lying."  
  
"I am," I admitted. "Come on, you're going to be late!" I grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him down the street, heading for that cosy little restaurant I'd told Professor Lupin to wait at.  
  
"Who is it? Not a student, is it?"  
  
"It's Dumbledore," I replied, stopping outside the restaurant and peering through the window. Professor Lupin was waiting patiently at a table in the corner, playing with the silverware and looking quite bored.  
  
"I'm not going in there until you tell me who I'm supposed to be meeting." He sounded like he was bleeding from the cunt.  
  
"Alright. Brace yourself, Bridget." He waited. "Remus Lupin." His mouth fell open.  
  
"No! You did not set me up with a Gryffindor!"  
  
"I did."  
  
"He's a werewolf, too, you know!"  
  
"I know. But he's sexy." Draco looked ready to make another point for his case, then stopped, apparently considering my last argument.  
  
"...Alright. You've convinced me. I'll go." I grinned widely. "But if he turns out to have some part of him or habit or something that isn't sexy, then I'm leaving." He eyed Professor Lupin through the window, apparently assessing him. "...Wish me luck."  
  
"Good luck, Rainbow Brite."  
  
"...I will not dignify that comment with an answer." He walked towards the door, then paused. "Butch cunt eater." Then he entered the restaurant. As I watched him saunter up to Professor Lupin and hold out his hand in greeting, I could just imagine him introducing himself as "Draco Malfoy, sex bomb extraordinaire." Mostly because he probably was. That pink tinge on Lupin's cheeks spoke volumes.  
  
Throughout the rest of the dinner, they apparently just chatted with each other. They seemed to be getting along rather well, actually. I was so involved in spying on the happy couple that I didn't notice Professor Snape walk up behind me. "...Miss Page?" I ignored him. "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... What are you doing?"  
  
"Sh!" I insisted, trying to shoo him away. "Shove off!" I could practically hear him scowling at me.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"Oh? Oh yeah? Well- ten points from you!"  
  
"...Pardon?"  
  
"Hah! That's right! IN YOUR FACE!" He blinked slowly.  
  
"Miss Page... Are you aware that you are making absolutely no sense whatsoever?"  
  
"SHUT UP!" I squealed, catching a glimpse of Draco and Professor Lupin leaving their table.  
  
"How dare you-"  
  
"Quick, hide!" I hissed, ducking under the window.  
  
"What?"  
  
"They're coming! Go! In the bushes!" I pushed him into the bushes and dove in after him... Which, in hindsight, probably wasn't a very good idea.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" he growled. I shushed him.  
  
"Shh!" See? It was lucky that I did, because it was then that Draco and Professor Lupin walked outside, chatting amiably. They strolled away, apparently hitting it off. "Yesss!" I hissed to myself, before leaping out of the bushes and stealthily stalking after them. Professor Snape followed me, though acting much less spy-ish. While I was crouched down, darting back and forth between shadows like a proper nosy matchmaker, he was merely walking along behind me, looking mildly amused, yet irritated.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm being spy-like," I replied in a whisper. "You should be able to tell!"  
  
"...Right." I decided that some theme music was in order. So, as I crept along the cheerful, sunlit avenue I quietly hummed my stealthy spy theme. Professor Snape made no comment. I trailed the couple in question all the way to... (danana!) the book store! I paused outside, peering at them through the glass. Draco had made his way to my favorite section (gay erotica, woohoo) and was showing Professor Lupin one of my favorite books. He seemed much less embarrassed than he is when I do that! "This is sick," Snape grumbled from behind me.  
  
"Why are you still here?" I asked. "Do you have a reason for following me?"  
  
"I thought you needed monitoring. Seeing as you're so unstable." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I'm not unstable, I'm making matches!" He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"You're... What?"  
  
"I'm setting up Draco and Professor Lupin. Now, be quiet and help me monitor their progress, or be on your way!"  
  
"This is sick," he muttered, backing away. "Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"Ten points from Professor Snape," I replied sarcastically as he walked away.  
  
"Hey, Nadia!" It was Ginny and Luna. Finally!  
  
"Where were you guys?"  
  
"Following you," Luna said airily.  
  
"We thought we'd keep our distance until Professor Snape left," Ginny clarified.  
  
"Right," I answered, watching Professor Lupin and Draco sit down in the café for some caffeinated beverages. That reminds me of the summer I tried to quit drinking soda, and ended up replacing it with coffee. Not the most healthy replacement, I'll say. Anyway...  
  
"Malfoy's making a move!" Ginny hissed. I snapped to attention in time to see Draco nudge his hand forward and place it over Professor Lupin's, batting his eyes.  
  
"Aw! Come on, go for it..."  
  
"I didn't actually think it would work," Luna muttered, sounding surprised.  
  
"They're so sexy together, though!"  
  
"It looks like they're going to kiss!" Ginny exclaimed. They were indeed leaning towards each other... Just a little further and... And... And Draco was pulling away. Then they were standing up.  
  
"Dammit! Hide!" We ducked into the shadows and waited for them to exit the bookstore. "What the hell is he doing!?" I hissed, a split second before deciding to ask him myself. So, as I watched him follow Professor Lupin out of the bookstore, I picked up a large pebble (at least, that's what I'd call it) and threw it at him.  
  
"FUCKER!" Oops. I'd sort of... Knocked him over.  
  
"Merlin, Nadia, why'd you throw that huge rock at him?" Ginny scolded.  
  
"It was a pebble!" I protested, watching Professor Lupin help Draco up and ask him if he was alright.  
  
"It was a gigantic chunk of hardened sediment!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"It really wasn't that big."  
  
"Nadia, when you need to use two hands to pick it up, it really is that big!" Puh. She exaggerates too much. I would have made more of a stand for my case, but Draco had just excused himself from Professor Lupin's company and was heading for us. He ducked around the corner and into the shadows where we were skulking, limping slightly and clutching his side.  
  
"Christ, Draco, what happened to you?" I asked. He glared at me.  
  
"You clubbed me with a rock!!"  
  
"It was a pebble! And keep your voice down."  
  
"It wasn't even a rock! It was a small boulder, for Merlin's sake! I think you fractured a rib!" Augh, I hate it when he gets whiny.  
  
"Don't be such a wimp," I grumbled, poking the spot the rock had hit.  
  
"YOW!"  
  
"'Yow?' What are you, a cartoon?" I fixed his hair for him and started brushing the dirt off his robes. "And if you go tripping over yourself all the time you'll never make a good impression." His mouth dropped open and for a moment he just stared at me.  
  
"Were you even watching what was going on there? I fell over because you threw a boulder at me!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Don't be such a drama queen. Ginny, do you have any lotion or something?" Ginny fished in her bag for a moment before handing over some moisturizer.  
  
"Drama queen? At least I'm not... Not... Grenda, Queen of Ultimate Pain!"  
  
"Grenda? Pff." I moisturized him.  
  
"You always injure me, in some way or another, every time I see you! I should have known I'd end the day with a trip to the hospital!"  
  
"I never injure you," I argued.  
  
"What about that time you punched him in the face?" Luna interjected. I groaned.  
  
"That was an accident!"  
  
"No it wasn't!" Draco protested,  
  
"Yes it was." I finished moisturizing him and gave the tube back to Ginny. "There. You're all set, now go back out there and score! Do it for me."  
  
"That's... Extremely creepy. I'd really rather not think about it." With a long suffering sigh, he turned to go. "And try not to hurt anyone. Except maybe yourself."  
  
Alright, I think it's about time that the punching Draco in the face story was told. See, I was talking to Blaise, and he insinuated that I was completely helpless, and then I got angry at him... Well. Let's start over. SQUIGGLY FLASHBACK LINES!!!!  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I crossed my arms, glaring at Blaise. "What, you don't think I could take care of myself?" He snorted derisively.  
  
"Not without your wand, you couldn't," he replied imperiously.  
  
"Hah! I could deck you with one punch!" He let out a little chuckle. "I really could! Dad taught me how." His laughter only increased.  
  
"Oh, I could see that. You'd probably hurt your fist more than the person you were actually punching." He shook his head, as if casting away the fanciful whim of a child.  
  
"You don't believe me, eh? Fine. Come here!" He looked suddenly bewildered.  
  
"...Huh?"  
  
"That's right, I said come here! Attack me! Come on, I'm ready for you! I'm on the edge!" He blinked slowly, backing away.  
  
"Er... Calm down."  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
"Hey, what's all-" The voice behind me was suddenly cut off as I whirled around and punched the intruder in the face. Draco dropped like a sack of bricks, sporting a bloody nose.  
  
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to punch you!" I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to his feet, propping him up against the wall. "That was a complete and total accident. Are you alright, Draco?"  
  
"...Rumplestiltskin?" Blaise started laughing, doubling over in his mirth.  
  
"Oh, that is priceless!" he chortled.  
  
"Blaise! He's hurt." I turned back to Draco and held up my hand, like they do on the television. "How many fingers am I holding up?"  
  
"Er... Runespore?" I took my time to come up with something to say in response to Blaise's renewed laughter.  
  
"Shut up and help me out, here!" Well, I think that was worth the wait.  
  
"You are just... Too much," he breathed, still chuckling as I hoisted Draco onto my shoulder. Damn, he's heavy. "Oh, Merlin- imagine what your children will be like!"  
  
"Well, if you plan on being the father, then I can tell you one thing they'll be: ugly. Now, grab Draco's other side."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
And that's about it. Draco was very good about forgiving me for it, too. He only tried to poison me about five times. That's very few, for a Malfoy. (P.S. - Blaise wasn't really ugly.) Anyway, back to current events.  
  
Draco and Professor Lupin ran around to various places for the rest of the afternoon, eating and shopping and touching each other's butts. But they wouldn't kiss! ARR! It was getting late, and still no kiss!! I decided to get Draco's attention again. "Hold it!" Ginny grabbed the pebble from my hands and tossed it aside. "Do you want to give him a concussion?" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Fine." I let Ginny pick out a pebble (which was really just a little speck, I didn't expect Draco to be able to feel it) and toss it at him. Draco, blinking, turned around and raised his eyebrows at us. I made a kissing motion with my mouth and signaled for him to get on with it, then ducked back around the corner to watch. With an exasperated expression, Draco turned around and tapped Professor Lupin on the shoulder.  
  
Professor Lupin smiled at Draco and started to say something, but was suddenly interrupted by having Draco shove a tongue down his throat. We were all very happy that we'd been successful, and awarded each other with several hearty pats on the back. Then, Draco gave Professor Lupin a slap on the bum and came trotting over again.  
  
"I'm going to take him somewhere for drinks," he hissed at us. "I expect you to get on back to the castle. Trust me, I can handle things from here." I snorted.  
  
"Fine. Just don't come crying to me when you mess the whole thing up." So, we watched him prance off with his hand on Professor Lupin's butt, then headed on back to the castle. All seemed to be going well.  
  
That night, I was doing my customary prefect patrols, and happened to be walking through the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing when who would I run into, but Professor Snape! "Hello, Professor," I greeted happily.  
  
"You!" he ground out, his fists clenched and his face paler than usual. "You did this!" I blinked, confused.  
  
"I... Did... What, exactly?"  
  
"You were the one who set this up!" I was about to ask what it was that I had set up when I suddenly heard it; the very, very naughty noises coming from what I could only assume were Professor Lupin's living quarters. My mouth dropped open a bit as I stared at the firmly closed door. Hells yeah! Operation: Lay Lupin was a success!  
  
"Oh my goodness, Professor," I breathed, as he started to look a little smug. "I had no idea. Say, can you get in there? I want to watch."  
  
"Because of you," he burst out angrily, "I am scarred for life! Argh!"  
  
"That's nice," I replied distractedly as I pressed my ear against the door.  
  
"Ten points-"  
  
"Yes, yes, I know," I grumbled, waving my hand dismissively. "Ooh, is that growling I hear?" Then I realized that, yes, it was, but it was coming from Professor Snape. This realization came to me... Well, probably when he grabbed me by my collar and yanked me away. "You're no fun," I pouted.  
  
"This behavior is extremely inappropriate," he seethed. There was a short silence between us. "And gross," he added with a grimace.  
  
"You're gross," I grumbled, crossing my arms. "But not physically," I added quickly. "You're just... Well, that little secret of yours is pretty gross." He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, come on. I know you like to ride the crimson tide, if you get my meaning." He immediately turned red and started spluttering.  
  
"What- twenty points- detention!"  
  
"Thanks, honeybuns. Alright, I've got to go patrol the charms corridor, so don't be surprised if I slip into bed a bit late." I winked at him. "Night, sweet thing." Then I was off like a shot. When I finished my rounds, I wrote a letter for Draco, asking him the details. I didn't send it right away though, since I knew he wouldn't be getting home until late. Heehee.  
  
* ~ January 20 ~ *  
  
A task, a task, alas: a task. Ahem. There was quite a harrowing new task today. Followed by... Other harrowing things. Onward.  
  
"You need a new task," Luna said out of the blue as we sat down for breakfast.  
  
"Really? What kind of task?"  
  
"You know, I've been thinking about that," Ginny said from behind me, leaning over. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I should have known."  
  
"This had better not be another one of those perverted tasks you seem to like so much," Colin groused from beside her.  
  
"I'm sure it is," I replied, giving him a smile. He returned it.  
  
"Alright, alright!" Ginny held up her hands. "Next task: whenever you're around Professor Snape, act as if you're the heroine of a cheesy romance novel. Treat him as the dashing hero." I stared at her... Then...  
  
"Brilliant!" Hey, I liked it.  
  
"What? You can't do that!" Colin protested.  
  
"Of course I can! I already know what to do and say. I mean, I've read so many of them, it almost comes naturally."  
  
"Potions this afternoon," Luna reminded us between bites of egg. "Should do it today."  
  
"Definitely," I agreed. After a few more minutes, Ginny and Colin returned to their own table, and Colin and I agreed to meet up tomorrow for... I dunno... Dating stuff. Classes were boring, but of course I stayed after Defense Against the Dark Arts to ask Professor Lupin about his hot date. He looked rather tired, and I thought I saw a few purplish bruises around his neck area...  
  
"Ah, hello, Nadia."  
  
"How was it?" I asked immediately. He blinked.  
  
"How was... What?"  
  
"The sex!" I should have anticipated the embarrassed flush on his cheeks.  
  
"Really, there's no reason to think I-"  
  
"I heard you through the door. Was it really all that good? Did he stay all night? Are you going on a second date? I need to know these things!" Professor Lupin started to say something, but was rudely interrupted-  
  
"Hello, lover!" By Draco swinging through the doorway, with a box of chocolates.  
  
"Draco!" I exclaimed, noticing from the corner of my eye that Lupin was shaking his head frantically and mouthing "No!" towards Draco.  
  
"Hello, man hands," he greeted me, sauntering into the room and dropping the box on Professor Lupin's desk. "I just thought I'd drop by to make sure I'd left a lasting impression," he informed the dear Professor. "Sorry I had to leave so early, but those are the duties of an auror-in- training for you." He flipped his hair jauntily.  
  
"Really?" I cut in. "I thought that it was all just paperwork." He sneered at me, obviously sending the message that he was trying to be impressive over there. "Anyway- maybe you'll spill the details. How was last night?"  
  
"I think I was rather marvelous," he sighed. "Remus was alright, too." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Of course. So I take it you're having a second date?"  
  
"I certainly hope so." He eyed Professor Lupin with a slight smirk plastered on his face. "Wouldn't you agree?"  
  
"Er- yes. Sure." He was so red, he could have passed for a very large, lycanthropic lobster.  
  
"Tomorrow, then," Draco replied. "I'll swing round to pick you up." He nodded to me. "Later, Butch." Then, with a wink towards Lupin, he flounced out.  
  
"He is so queer it's not even funny."  
  
"I agree," I agreed.  
  
"...Thank you. For... You know."  
  
"Getting you laid. Yes, I'd say I'm quite good at that." I flipped my hair in my best impression of Draco and skipped towards the door. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll follow Draky-poo over the rainbow and down the yellow brick road. Ta, Professor." So, I headed off to my next class.  
  
Potions. It was mostly uneventful, until, that is, we started brewing our potions. It all began when a Hufflepuff girl one seat over accidentally spilled her potion all over the floor. Professor Snape was on it like Draco on Professor Lupin. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) That's when I gasped dramatically and grabbed the sleeve of his robes.  
  
"Miss Page!" he growled, whirling around.  
  
"Oh, Professor! Take me completely with your angry-looking erection!"  
  
"W-What was that?" he spluttered.  
  
"I need you! I need to ravage your full lips, run my hands over your smooth muscles, and taste your sun kissed chocolate nipples!" I delicately raised my hand to my forehead, swooning.  
  
"...Sun kissed chocolate nipples?" he repeated menacingly. I fell against him, acting faint.  
  
"Your presence is so intoxicating! The heat from your body makes my womanhood tremble with desire!"  
  
"...Perhaps you need to go to the infirmary."  
  
"I need you to impale me upon your mighty mansword!"  
  
"You most definitely need to go to the infirmary. Miss Lovegood, kindly escort Miss Page to the hospital wing." He pushed me off of him, letting Luna catch me. "As for the rest of you little dolts... BACK TO WORK!" He turned on his heel to go back to his desk, when suddenly he slipped on the spilled potion that lay forgotten on the floor.  
  
"Ahhhhhh, wipe out!" I snapped my mouth shut, suddenly aware of what I had involuntarily said. Damn you, Teen Wolf!  
  
"Would you care to repeat that, Miss Page?"  
  
"Er... I love your... Shining tresses. I need to go to the hospital wing."  
  
"No you don't-"  
  
"Farewell, my love!" Then I grabbed Luna by the wrist and got the hell out of there. When I arrived at the infirmary, I explained to Madam Pomfrey that I'd been feeling faint and dizzy, and Professor Snape had thought it best that I lay down for a while.  
  
So, I found myself in a hospital bed for the second time in less than a month, waiting for someone to visit me and bring me some entertainment, seeing as Luna had left rather quickly. I was just getting ready to take a nap when Professor Snape came prowling in, a sneer planted firmly on his face. "Miss Page," he hissed, approaching me.  
  
"Hullo, Professor," I greeted, stretching and yawning. "How's the angry looking erection?"  
  
"That's enough! I will not take this kind of treatment from you any longer!"  
  
"What's the matter?" I asked, acting politely puzzled. "I thought you would have liked to feel sexy."  
  
"Well I don't!" I blinked.  
  
"You don't like feeling sexy?"  
  
"I don't like feeling anything!"  
  
"Oh." I let out a long sigh. "So you're playing hard to get, I see."  
  
"I am not playing hard to get! You are a psychotic piece of wacko!"  
  
"Now that's not a very nice thing to say."  
  
"Twenty points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"I didn't do anything!"  
  
"I don't care!" That's it.  
  
"I've had enough bickering!" I cried out dramatically. "I'm going to save our marriage the only way I can: in the bedroom!" Hey, I'd read it on the back of a romance novel. Professor Snape groaned.  
  
"Please tell me you did not just say that." Just as Madam Pomfrey came bustling over.  
  
"Severus!" she huffed. "Is this true?"  
  
"He never makes love to me anymore!" I wailed.  
  
"You know that relationships with students are strictly forbidden!"  
  
"But I-" he tried to protest.  
  
"I'm calling Albus down here right away!" She hurried off before Professor Snape could say anything in his defense. He watched her go with his mouth hanging open, then snapped it shut and turned to me, looking murderous. I thought it would be a good idea to say something to melt the tension.  
  
"So..." I glanced at his crotch. "Are you going to show me how to ride that thing?"  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU!!!" He lunged at me, but I scampered away just in time.  
  
"Now, Professor, calm down-" He came after me again and I ran and took refuge behind the food cart. "You've got to remember your blood pressure."  
  
"I'LL STRANGLE YOU!!!" He jumped over the cart and grabbed me by the front of my robes, just as the Headmaster and Madam Pomfrey walked in... Along with my dad. I'm sure that the sight of Professor Snape hanging off a food cart and holding me in his luscious grip was quite a surprising sight.  
  
"Really, now, Professor," Dad said casually, breaking the awkward silence, "you need to learn some self control." He swooped forward and extracted Professor Snape from the position of crazed homeless attacker. "I'm sure there's plenty of time for that in the bedroom."  
  
"YOU!!!" Oh, God. That parent teacher conference must have been hell.  
  
"Yes, me. And you, too. Though, you really look a shambles." He started straightening out Professor Snape's robes. "I, however, am the perfect picture of grace and style." Which... Was... Shockingly true. For once. He was dressed in robes that I would expect to see Draco in, and his hair was actually tamed. He actually sort of reminded me of Draco, at the moment. With a sigh, he adjusted his black leather gloves. "And here I had to be called out of a conference just to curb your flaming lust." Even the drawl was there.  
  
"Excuse me!? This girl has been coming on to me for so long I've integrated it into my schedule! I can't go an hour without having to fight off her advances!" Now that's exaggerating a little, surely.  
  
"Severus!" Dad suddenly gasped, looking horrified. "How could you deny her your sun kissed chocolate nipples!?" Now that's the dad I know.  
  
"SUN KISSED CHOCOLATE NIPPLES!!!" Professor Snape roared. "SUN KISSED CHOCOLATE NIPPLES!!!" My, he seemed unbalanced. "SINCE WHEN ARE MY NIPPLES SUN KISSED AND CHOCOLATE!?!?"  
  
"Maybe from that visit to Tuscany," Dad replied calmly, quirking an eyebrow. Professor Snape immediately snapped his mouth shut and turned a bright shade of red. With a scowl and a low growling noise, he stalked out of the room. "Well, that was easy."  
  
"Well, Severus isn't very used to his nipples being a point of conversation," Dumbledore sighed knowingly.  
  
"Albus!" Madam Pomfrey protested. "What about Professor Snape's... Behavior?"  
  
"I'm sure that if we leave father and daughter to talk through this situation, all will be cleared up." I could have sworn I saw him wink at me. "Come along, Poppy. I've got an insatiable craving for cream puffs..." He left the infirmary, Madam Pomfrey begrudgingly following. I turned to Dad.  
  
"You seem to be hovering around an awful lot." He shrugged.  
  
"Albus flooed me. Apparently, he was entertaining some strange notion that you and Professor Snape were married or something of the sort." He grinned. "Was he very far off?"  
  
"I'm afraid so." I let out a long sigh.  
  
"Come now, it can't be all that bad." Dad gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder.  
  
"It's actually sort of funny," I replied. Just then, Colin came running through the door with a wilting bouquet of flowers.  
  
"Nadia! Are you alright?" NO. I could see Dad eyeing the bouquet with something bordering on contempt, and prayed to God that he said nothing.  
  
"I'm fine, Colin. You can go, now." His gaze fell upon Dad, and I could tell something bad was about to happen.  
  
"These are for you..." He handed me the flowers, still keeping his eyes locked with Dad's. "...Who is this?"  
  
"I'm Nadia's father," Dad answered immediately, giving a strained smile as he shook Colin's hand.  
  
"I'm Colin."  
  
"Oh. So... Are you Nadia's..." He gave Colin that look, that purely pureblood look, like he was worse than dirt. "...Servant boy?" Colin flushed slightly.  
  
"No. Nadia's boyfriend."  
  
"...I think we need to have a talk."  
  
"Dad, NO! Bad father, bad!" I grabbed Colin by the back of his robes and threw him out of the hospital wing. "I remember when you talked to Blaise! He wouldn't even sit next to me for a month after!"  
  
"Well, he just took it the wrong way."  
  
"Or maybe you threatened to castrate him if he ever touched me again."  
  
"Eh, I might have done that. It's all rather fuzzy, now." He yawned loudly and scratched his head. "Anyway, thank God Albus flooed me, or I would've had to sit through that whole boring conference." He worked in his office all night again, I could tell.  
  
"You were up all night."  
  
"What can I say? I'm just a Hufflepuff at heart." He cracked his... Body. Eurgh, I hate that! It's so creepy! "So, everything's alright? No other boyfriends I need to know about?"  
  
"Oh! I set Professor Lupin up with Draco!" He looked rather surprised.  
  
"You did? And it worked?"  
  
"Yes! They were at it like rabbits!" He grinned.  
  
"That's good to know. It's about time, I say." I nodded in agreement. "Anyway, I'll be off to talk to Albus and Severus; I think a little of my fatherly touch is in order."  
  
"NO! DON'T!" He chuckled and pulled me into a hug.  
  
"Don't worry, I won't embarrass you. And I hope that my presence here will no longer be required." I sighed, defeated. It was no use, anyway.  
  
"Don't worry, it won't." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and bounced off to increase the amount of hostility Professor Snape harbors toward me. At least he means well... I expect he means well. But sometimes I wonder if he's even sane enough to mean well. I guess that only time will tell.  
  
* ~ January 21 ~ *  
  
Nothing momentous happened today, except that... I molested Colin. Oh, and one other thing. This morning, I was walking through the entrance hall when I noticed a small, tittering crowd gathered around a notice. Pushing my way through the gathering of idiots, I got close enough to read it through a space between two Gryffindors.  
  
Join the SKCN Foundation for the Treatment of Nipple Cancer. For contact information, please see Professor S. Snape.  
  
SKCN. Sun Kissed Chocolate Nipples. Oh my goodness. That is definitely the work of my father. I guess he came through for me, after all.  
  
I found the biggest gossip of the lot and told her what the initials stood for. By tomorrow, everyone should know. Ah, that makes me smile so largely. Well, I'm off to nibble some SKCN's. *Wink.*  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Ten points from Professor Snape" was courtesy of the List of 404 Ways to Annoy Snape. Which I only just stumbled across. Imagine that! "Psychotic piece of wacko" was donated (unwittingly) by Adam Sandler in the movie "Anger Management." Luscious Grip is a luscious inside joke, as is Luscious Malfoy. "My little Yum-Yum" was inspired by Randall's disco name, "Dum- Dum," as mentioned in the animated series "Clerks." Meanwhile, "Sun Kissed Chocolate Nipples" is a phrase used in the short gay erotica story "Panting in Pantomime." It can be found in the book Friction 2. There, I think that's all the credit due. If not... Too bad. Oh, and special thanks to all who have donated tasks!  
  
Next Chapter: Time to sing a little song. And fart in the vagina. "You just farted in my vagina!" And, possibly, Colin gets a well-deserved smack in the face. Plus Nadia eats stuffed grape leaves. Yummy! But that's only a maybe. I don't plan these things out. 


	10. Bleeding Heart

First of all, if any of you still want to know what the hell is going on with Snape and Lupin's talk, the crayon picture, and Nathanyel butting into things all the time... Read "Really Bad Eggs." It will answer your questions, I promise.  
  
This chapter is the longest chapter yet, by the way, so cherish it. It is SO DAMN LONG! I mean, look at it. I think it's er... twenty-eight pages. More or less. Longer than "Really Bad Eggs" even! And very dramatic. Plus it's full of nutrition advice, but you don't have to take it. It's really meant for Professor Snape, that naughty boy.  
  
And there's a parental advisory stamped on this chapter for strong language and scary moments. Plus some minor sexual content... Just some dirty talk and light petting. I thought I'd put in a warning, just in case. Plus, I was in a hurry to get this chapter up, so please excuse any spelling and grammatical errors.  
  
Disclaimer: WhatEVA girlfriennnd! *Triple snap*  
  
~ ~  
  
Chapter 10: Bleeding Heart  
  
* ~ February 1 ~ *  
  
It's the first of February and Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. This means two things: first, that I need to pull of a fabulous Valentine's Day task; second, that Colin is going to get a beating. I can tell that he's planning something, but what, I don't know. Whenever I ask Ginny she just giggles and says, "You'll see!" which is definitely a bad sign. If he knows what's good for him, this so called "surprise" will take place in a very private spot. That way no one will hear him scream.  
  
So, nothing big happened on the SSS front. Just some more love letters. We thought it best to let Professor Snape calm down a bit before carrying out another task. However, Colin just couldn't keep his big mouth shut. We were just sitting in the library, studying, and he had to bring up that singing task. "You need to sing to Professor Snape," he informed me. "Have you thought of a song?" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Like I spend all my time thinking of songs to sing to Professor Snape," I grumbled.  
  
"Good, because I've got one." I blinked.  
  
"Do tell," Ginny prompted.  
  
"That song from 'Beaches!' You know... You are the wind beneath my wings." We all stared at him for a long time.  
  
"...You like 'Beaches?'" I finally asked.  
  
"...That's not important! what's important is that you sing the song in potions today." I rolled my eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh.  
  
"Fine. I'll sing your favorite song, from your favorite movie."  
  
"It's not my favorite song!" I waited for him to add movie. He didn't.  
  
"Alright, alright. I'll sing it." Everyone cheered. But not really.  
  
"Oh, and start crying noisily when he gives you a detention!" Ginny added.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because he hates you!"  
  
"Okay, I'll cry, too." So, I decided to take on the task. The very difficult task, because I can't sing for my life.  
  
I really didn't want to interrupt the lesson too much, since it was a rather interesting topic. Poisons, yum. And Professor Snape looked so sexy, pacing up and down the room as he gave his customary lecture. So, I just raised my hand. "Yes, Miss Page?" he asked dangerously, approaching me. That was when I jumped up and burst out:  
  
"Did you ever know that you're my herooooo!?" He blinked, taking a step back. "You're everything I'd like to beee!" And another. "I can fly higher than an eeeaaagle!!" He looked as if he was reaching for his wand. "Because... You are the wind beneath my wiiings!!" With that, I sat down and resumed taking notes, readying myself for a good cry. His reaction was pretty predictable.  
  
"Detention!" he snapped, going back to his lecture. And then I let my crocodile tears come bursting out. He looked rather put off by the wretched display.  
  
"Y-You h-hate me!" I wept. "You w-want me to die!" I wailed. "Oh, P- Professor! Don't you know I-I'm nothing w-without you!?"  
  
"Twenty points from Ravenclaw! You are dismissed from this classroom!" Apparently, he doesn't. So, I got up and threw myself out the door, wailing piteously. I think that went well.  
  
I told Ginny and Colin about it, and they seemed fairly disappointed that I didn't give him a conniption fit with the song. And, of course, started scheming.  
  
"I've got it!" Ginny exclaimed immediately. "Mother him!" I stared at her.  
  
"Mother him?" I repeated.  
  
"Yes. Bring him a lunch and a fresh change of underwear, things like that." I giggled.  
  
"Oh, that's a good idea."  
  
"Do it tomorrow," Luna insisted. "In the Great Hall." I agreed.  
  
"Alright, Colin," I said firmly, "for this next task we need a pair of your brother's underwear." He raised his eyebrows. "The Spider-man ones," I specified. With a defeated sigh, he slumped off to fetch them. What a good servant boy- I mean, boyfriend.  
  
* ~ February 2 ~ *  
  
It was marvelous. I went down to the Great Hall early, waiting for Professor Snape to come. Luna accompanied me, carving faces into her pancakes, while Ginny and Colin made encouraging gestures from the Gryffindor table. Finally, when the Great Hall was about halfway full, he came prowling in.  
  
"Sir! Sir!" I approached him and held up my old "Teen Wolf" lunch box, in which was stored a thermos of ice cold milk, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a large apple. "I packed you a lunch for the day!" I shoved the box into his hands and began chattering away, leaving him no time to speak. "Don't eat too fast, or you'll get a stomach ache, and the milk is very cold, be careful it doesn't hurt your teeth." I reached out and brushed off his robes. "These things are filthy! After you get back from your lessons, I expect you to take a nice long bath, and I'll wash your robes for you and leave out your jammies for beddy-time, alright, shnookums?" His mouth fell open. "Oh, and I almost forgot!" I reached into my bag and pulled out a pair of Spider-man print childrens' briefs, shoving them into his arms. "Here's a fresh change of undies. Remember, you always need clean undies! Oh, look at the time, I've really got to get going. Have a good day at school, sweetie!" With that, I planted a firm kiss on his cheek and ran off. Uproarious laughter followed me. Along with Professor Snape's agitated shouting. And I thought I caught a glimpse of Madam Pomfrey giving him a dirty look.  
  
It was a good thing I had Defense Against the Dark Arts first thing today, because I was able to take refuge in Professor Lupin's classroom. After he was done snogging Draco on the desk, of course. "Hide me!" I dove under the desk, the two lovebirds barely noticing me. I knew Professor Snape had come after me, and when he arrived, I could only thank myself for my amazing match making skills.  
  
"AUGH!" Then the door slammed. I peeked out to make sure that Professor Snape had indeed retreated at the sight of Lupin and Draco in an intimate moment, then crawled out and chose my seat for the day.  
  
"Thanks, that was a close one," I sighed. Apparently, the two of them had finally noticed the world around them, and were straightening themselves out.  
  
"I'm not quite clear on what just happened," Professor Lupin informed me, "but you're welcome... I suppose." However, Draco wasn't so forgiving of my intrusion.  
  
"You ruined our snog!" he whined. "Do you know how much of a turn-off your presence is!?"  
  
"I've been told a few things," I replied casually, unpacking my bag. "And since when are you so high and mighty, Mr. Clean?"  
  
"I've always been high and mighty," he sniffed. "I'm a Malfoy."  
  
"Oh, break out the red carpet."  
  
"I don't appreciate your sarcasm." I would have made further derogatory remarks, but Professor Lupin interrupted us by clearing his throat rather loudly.  
  
"If you don't mind my asking," he directed towards me, "why was Severus chasing you?" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"He was just overreacting." He waited for me to spill the details. "I packed him a lunch and gave him a fresh pair of undies. It's not my fault he's so easily embarrassed."  
  
"'Fresh pair of undies?'" Draco quoted. "Merlin, you're such a hag."  
  
"Make that fag hag," I corrected. "And it was Spider-man underwear." I got blank looks on that one. "Spider-man is a superhero. It was little kiddie underwear." They both snorted with inappropriate laughter. Though not as inappropriate as when I laugh during my check-ups at the gynecologist.  
  
...Anyway...  
  
"I should be getting on to work, anyway," Draco sighed. "Toodles." He slapped Professor Lupin on the butt and strolled out.  
  
"...So..." I thought it would be best to make conversation. "...On the desk, eh? Kinky!" Well, I can't keep my mind out of the gutter.  
  
"Yes, I suppose so." Apparently, Professor Lupin is finally getting used to my extremely sexual remarks.  
  
"You know you love it." I actually got a grin out of him! Imagine that. No embarrassment. So, class was alright. The usual. Luckily, Professor Snape was unable to track me down and beat me with the lunch box; that was good. And I also got to tie Colin up and pinch his nipples, which is always an enjoyable pastime. Anyway, there's homework to be done, and I'm not about to let my grades drop.  
  
* ~ February 8 ~ *  
  
Oi. My back is killing me. Anyway... I had a task or two to fulfill this past week. After Professor Snape had calmed down (and returned my lunchbox, the packed lunch eaten) the SSS decided to kick it up a notch and add another task. "Come into the Great Hall late for dinner, and hold up a bottle of sexual lubricant, telling Snape that he dropped it." Which came from Luna.  
  
"Where am I going to get sexual lubricant?" I asked, exasperated. Everyone just glared at me until I gave in. "Fine, I may just happen to have some lying about, just in case. But you owe me a new bottle!" Colin seemed very pleased, for some reason.  
  
It was a very boring day. Let's see... There was double Herbology, with yet another new teacher, then lunch, during which I fetched my KY warming lubricant, then History of Magic. After that, I met Colin in the library and we played Dominatrix Librarian, and put some of that lubricant to good use. (Let's just say it involved putting things in a certain party's rear end, and that the rear end involved did not belong to me.)  
  
Then it was time for dinner. I was late, as planned (I needed to get cleaned up, anyway. Dominatrix Librarian is a very messy game.) I knew I had to give a convincing act. So, with the "lotion" firmly in hand, I burst heroically through the doors to the Great Hall.  
  
"Professor!" I cried, jogging up to the high table. "You dropped this!" I held up the bottle of KY warming lubricant, basking in the warm glow his increasingly red face was radiating. I then placed it on the table in front of him, gave him a winning smile, and took a seat at the Ravenclaw table. It wasn't long before he had prowled over to me and dragged me to my feet.  
  
"What is the meaning of this!?" he hissed, obviously embarrassed.  
  
"I thought you would know, Professor!" I exclaimed loudly. "Don't you need it to play Dominatrix Librarian?" Without another word, he stormed out of the room. "Hm. Oh well." Dinner was nice. Though I could already tell that Colin was getting jealous. Again. And sure enough, not five minutes after I'd left, he caught up with me.  
  
"How could you, Nadia? Dominatrix Librarian is our game!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Colin, don't be such a menopausal wimp."  
  
"I'm not a menopausal wimp! Honestly, sometimes I think you treat Snape better than you treat me!"  
  
"Listen, you come back and discuss this with me once your cycle's through. Alright?"  
  
"Jesus, can't you stop being such a bitch?"  
  
"Now, Colin. Don't go dragging Jesus into this."  
  
"I'm serious!" With a frustrated sigh, I stopped walking for a moment so as to better make my point.  
  
"Colin. Let's just think about this for a moment. You are jealous of Professor Snape. Just... Let that sit with you for a bit." He stared back a me, blinking.  
  
"...I'm not jealous of Snape," he finally grumbled, crossing his arms.  
  
"You are." I offered him a kiss as a peace offering. "So stop it."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
"You know, you're really cute when you're sullen." I could see that he was intrigued. "Let's go play." Heheh.  
  
It was two days before Ginny came up with another task. "Make a list of kinky things you would do to Snape and make sure he finds it."  
  
"Can do!" Except, I didn't really do it. I didn't feel like it! It took me until yesterday to get the task done, really. And that was mostly because yesterday was potions class.  
  
I was bored - really bored. So, to amuse myself, I decided to finally get the task done. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down all the naughty things I would like to do to the dear Professor. Of course, I probably should have paid more attention to my surroundings, but he was supposed to see the list eventually, anyway...  
  
Professor Snape, having been roaming the aisles to check the progress of the students, snatched the paper away from me, sneering. "What have we here?" he asked quietly, eyes glittering. "A love note to Mr. Creevey?"  
  
"Er... Not quite..."  
  
"Perhaps the rest of the class would like to hear it?" Oh, this was too good.  
  
"...If you insist," I sighed, watching him skim over the paper. His eyes went round and his cheeks suddenly had a whole lot of color in them.  
  
"On second thought, I think not."  
  
"I had a feeling."  
  
"Thirty points from Ravenclaw. I'm contacting your parents about this." I blinked.  
  
"And that's a threat?" Pursing his lips, he whirled around and made his way back to his desk, from which he continued the lesson. For the rest of the class, whenever he looked at me I leaned my head on my hands, sighed longingly, and made goofy faces. Just for fun. And oh, how fun it was.  
  
After classes, I met Luna and Ginny in the courtyard, where we proceeded to scheme about the task I would perform for Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, Colin was apparently making plans of his own. I'll kill him. It didn't take long for a few possible tasks to come up. "You could ask him to be your Valentine," Ginny suggested.  
  
"Or force him," Luna added.  
  
"And then I could act all possessive and jealous, like Colin," I mused. "Only more aggressive."  
  
"Yes!" Ginny agreed. "And really act like he's your Valentine. Slip him little love notes all day, shower him with candied gifts, mouth 'I love you' at him. Things like that."  
  
"Alright, alright," I sighed.  
  
"And invite him to the Astronomy Tower," Luna added.  
  
"Oh, yes!" Ginny cried. "That's perfect!"  
  
"What's perfect?" That would be Colin approaching, and being very out on the loop.  
  
"Don't tell him anything," she hissed to me.  
  
"The next task," I said, trying to think of a way to break it to Colin that I was going to be Snape's Valentine without him getting jealous. And failing. "Ummm... Let's go try out that edible body paint!" So, I dragged off a very happy looking Colin. Damn, I love submissive men.  
  
* ~ February 14 ~ *  
  
Today was a blast. I spent the past few days preparing for this momentous task. I wrote a love letter from the secret admirer, for starters. I had Valentines up the wazoo, candy, little singing teddy bears, edible underwear, penis jewelry- the works. I was clean, dressed, and looking good (for me.) All I had to do was say those three magic words: Be my Valentine. I was getting myself ready on the way down to breakfast when I remembered that Colin had a surprise for me. Oh no. Well, that would have to wait for later.  
  
Entering the Great Hall, I didn't even break my stride. I marched right up to the high table and positioned myself in front of Professor Snape, hands on my hips. Slowly, he looked up from today's copy of the Daily Prophet and grimaced. I took that as my cue and fished out a Valentine from my bag that happened to be in the shape of a heart with a knife through it. And when I say heart, I mean an actual human heart. I thought he would appreciate it. "Be my Valentine!" I pronounced loudly, slapping the stabbed heart on the table in front of him. A strange hush came over the room, and the only audible sound was that of Professor Lupin choking on his pumpkin juice.  
  
Without a word, Professor Snape jerkily stood up and headed for the exit. I, of course, being the devoted Valentine that I am, followed him. "Get away from me," he hissed when he noticed I was on his tail.  
  
"Never. You will be my Valentine." With a growl, he whirled around, apparently fixing to give me a beating, when he noticed that everyone was staring at him. And froze. Aww, stage fright. So, I turned around and glared at all the staring people. "What the hell are you staring at!?" I shot at them. "I know what you're thinking! Don't any of you sex starved maniacs touch him! He's my man, you hear me!?" And then, the perfect touch, I reached back and grabbed his crotch. "This is my property!" The entire school was staring at me incredulously, except for Dumbledore, of course. He was too busy polishing his spectacles to notice. "Come on, bitch," I growled, grabbing Snape by the belt. "You need a proper spanking." And then I practically dragged him out of the room, hoping he'd be shocked long enough for me to get a good grope in. He was.  
  
"Let go of me!" he insisted, suddenly getting his wits back, probably when he realized that I was planning to drag him up to my dorm.  
  
"You're my Valentine," I informed him. "I'm not taking no for an answer. Now, accept this token of affection-" I handed him a penis ring- "and meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight."  
  
"What!? How dare you-"  
  
"SILENCE!! I COMMAND YOU!!" Then, with a dramatic hand gesture, I was off. I managed to run into Colin on my way back to the Great Hall, and for some reason he seemed a bit upset.  
  
"I thought I was going to be your Valentine!" he proclaimed.  
  
"And why would you think a thing like that?" I asked, doing my best impression of a very bewildered young woman.  
  
"Because we're dating!" I blinked.  
  
"Oh. Imagine that. I hadn't really noticed."  
  
"Nadia- stop it! Listen, will you meet me in the Astronomy Tower tonight? Half past eleven?" I let out a long-suffering sigh.  
  
"If you insist." At which he gave me a dirty look. "Oh, you know I'm just kidding. Anyway, I'm going to grab a quick breakfast. I'll see you in class." I gave him a kiss and a quick pat on the bum before hurrying away.  
  
After breakfast, I was on my way to Arithmancy when I spotted Professor Snape walking down the corridor in the opposite direction. We were passing each other when, growling, his eyes slid towards me. That was my cue. Making a face one would make at a cute little puppy, I silently mouthed, "I love you," and traced a heart in the air with my fingers. He turned red and increased his velocity.  
  
Arithmancy was hell. Colin sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to me, or whatever the real name of that song is. And... Gave me flowers. It was... Ear splitting. The flowers were nice, though. It's just that... Colin should be banned from using his voice in any sort of musical endeavor. EVER. "That was disgusting," I informed him when he took his seat next to me. "But thank you."  
  
"You're welcome," he replied. Then we held hands and stuff. Aww. After that was Transfiguration. Booorrring. Then there was lunch. During which I sent Professor Snape tons of little Valentines and love notes. Along with some candy and that singing teddy bear. Mwahaha. For some reason, though, he seemed extremely angry the whole time and left early. I wonder why? After that was Charms class. More bore.  
  
After class, I went for a walk with Colin around the lake and snogged him senseless. Then I gave him a spanking. It was a lot of fun. When we got back we spent some time in the library, laughing at the outdated puberty books that were kept in the back. Then it was time for dinner.  
  
I was very disappointed to see that Professor Snape hadn't shown up. Damn! And I was going to give him the edible knickers, too! Oh well, I thought. I'd just have to find him in the dungeons and give them to him. I also took the time to notice that Professor Lupin was absent from the staff table, as well. Hm. Dinner date with Draco?  
  
After dinner I went down into the dungeons to bestow Professor Snape with my gift. It didn't take long to find him at all; he was walking down the corridor with his wand out. "Er... Professor? What are you doing?" He turned around and sneered at me.  
  
"I have a boggart to banish. I'd prefer not to be bothered." He then swept into a darkened classroom. I swept in after him, of course.  
  
"I have something for you." I gave the murderous looking Professor Snape the edible underwear. He took one look at them and started seething.  
  
"Get out! NOW!"  
  
"Pff. Fine." So, I walked out. But, I hadn't gone far when I heard Professor Snape shouting again. With a sigh I went back to the classroom. It sounded... Well... Sort of like he was... Being hugged. "Professor?"  
  
"ARRGH!"  
  
"Should I get some help?"  
  
"ARRGH!"  
  
"Alright, I'll take that as a yes." I knew precisely who to get: Professor Lupin! So, I ran at top speed (or, you know, walked casually) up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing. I know from several of my stalker classmates where the entrance to his living quarters are, so it didn't take long to find it.  
  
I was just about to knock on Professor Lupin's door when... It started shaking. And, wonder of wonders, there was a rhythmic banging from the other side. I had an idea of what was going on, but I didn't know for sure until I heard the voices. "Oh, fuck! Yes, fuck me!" Oh my me. That was Professor Lupin's voice. I'd never heard him curse like that before!  
  
"That's right!" Draco's voice. "Who's the Professor now!?"  
  
"You are! You are! Fuck yes! Harder, harder, don't stop!"  
  
"Oh, yeah! I'll fuck you through the door!" I leaned against the wall next to the door, waiting for them to calm down. In the meantime, I just listened to their moans and dirty talk. Whoo, Professor Lupin's such an animal! But then, I should expect as much from a werewolf, I suppose. Eventually, the banging got faster, and there was a lot of screaming and cursing from both sides, then sated silence. I listened to the heavy breathing on the other side for a bit, then knocked gently on the door.  
  
"Are you two done or do I have to wait for the cuddling to commence?" There was a moment's pause before the door swung open, revealing Draco and Lupin, both shirtless and very disheveled. Growl! Now that is hot! "Hey, lovebirds."  
  
"You pervert," Draco sighed. "You were listening, weren't you?"  
  
"'I'll fuck you through the door?'" I enquired as my response.  
  
"Hmph, I should have known. I'm rubbing off on you." I grinned.  
  
"Errr..." Professor Lupin seemed rather uncomfortable. "Is there... A problem?"  
  
"OH! That reminds me! Professor Snape wants you." He blinked, looking puzzled.  
  
"What for?" I winked.  
  
"Oh, please," Draco scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Has Snape ever even been with a man?"  
  
"Yes," Lupin said. We both stared at him. "...Forget I said that." I giggled.  
  
"How many?" I asked excitedly.  
  
"Oh, just one."  
  
"Shucks." I snapped my fingers. "Anyway, he's having some trouble with a rogue boggart. By what I could glean from the shouting, I'd say it's probably hugging him."  
  
"How can you tell?" Draco yawned.  
  
"Because that's how he sounds when I hug him." With a long suffering sigh, Professor Lupin disappeared from sight and returned fully clothed. Poo.  
  
"I suppose I can't leave him in the deadly grip of a boggart. You're welcome to have some tea." Tea! Horay! After giving Draco a little kiss (aww!) he hurried off to save Professor Snape from his worst nightmare.  
  
"I think that man has a tea fetish," Draco muttered, inviting me in.  
  
"How are things going outside the bedroom?" I asked, taking a seat at the table.  
  
"They're alright. He's good boyfriend material."  
  
"I know!"  
  
"Too bad I don't want a boyfriend right now." NO.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'd really prefer a fuck buddy, you know? Friends with benefits."  
  
"You're a snake." SNAAAAAKE!!!!  
  
"And proud of it." See you in hell, Liquid.  
  
"Pass a biscuit?" I asked.  
  
"...You're not bothered?" Draco gave me a calculating look as he handed the biscuits over.  
  
"As long as Professor Lupin isn't."  
  
"..."  
  
"You did tell him, didn't you?"  
  
"...Not quite."  
  
"You... You... Cock eating drama queen!!"  
  
"Hey! I'm not a drama queen! And I was planning on bringing it up, I just... Don't know how to." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Just say 'I'm only using you for your body.' That one always goes over well."  
  
"Shut up," he growled, gulping down his tea. "You wouldn't know tact if it was eating you out." I shrugged.  
  
"True."  
  
"And I will tell Remus."  
  
"Sure you will." He let out a frustrated sigh.  
  
"You have no faith in me whatsoever."  
  
"Oh, Draco. You know me so well." We conversed for a bit longer before Professor Lupin came back, looking just a bit disturbed.  
  
"That was the strangest boggart I've ever seen," he commented, pouring himself some tea. "And I've seen a lot of boggarts."  
  
"What was it?" He gave me a strange look, as if he was thinking of some sort of inside joke.  
  
"I can't tell you. It's invasion of privacy."  
  
"Oh, invasion of privacy! Call in the cavalry! Seriously. Tell me."  
  
"I just can't."  
  
"Nobody ever tells me anything," I groused.  
  
"That may be so," Draco replied, "but it's only because nobody likes you."  
  
"Well, I'd say the same, but obviously one person likes you, or I wouldn't have gotten my daily dose of soft core porn earlier."  
  
"Er..." Professor Lupin seemed uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was heading in.  
  
"I have to go anyway," I sighed. "I should probably clean up and get some homework done before I dominate Colin. See you later."  
  
"Manhandler," Draco muttered. Professor Lupin seemed to have swallowed his tongue.  
  
I did exactly what I said I would: I cleaned up and did homework. By the time eleven thirty had rolled around I was half asleep, and only woke up because Luna was statutory raping her little Hufflepuff boy slave in the next bed. He looks fourteen, but she swears he's sixteen. I think she's lying.  
  
Anyway... I crawled out of bed, fixed my hair, and sped off to the Astronomy Tower. It's a good place for a snog session, because all up the spiral staircase there are little observatory rooms. That way, you don't have to go out into the cold to get a little boo-tay. So, I found Colin waiting for me on the staircase, we went into a room, watched the stars... You know, that sort of stuff. Then, you know, we necked and petted a little. Or a lot.  
  
It wasn't exactly what one would call romantic. My shirt was half- open and Colin was putting his hands up my skirt. Or, at least, trying to. "Colin... Eurgh, no... Like this... Yes... Ah! Cold hands!" And then the door opened.  
  
"Miss Page! ...Mr. Creevey!?" Oh. God. No. Professor Snape. In the doorway. Looking... Extremely put off.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!!" I yanked my shirt closed and tried to hide behind Colin. Professor Snape flinched, grimacing. "PERVERT! OUT! GET OUT!" I threw my shoe at him, and he happily obliged, slamming the door behind him.  
  
I glanced at Colin to see him standing rigid, his mouth still hanging open in horror. Leaving him to his own devices, I quickly fixed myself up, so to say (a.k.a. got properly dressed) and hurried out of the room. Professor Snape was there, waiting to take off points and give Colin and me detentions. "Miss Page," he said tersely, that muscle in his jaw twitching again. I remained silent. I was embarrassed and angry, and I wasn't about to say anything that would get me any further into trouble. "I would have expected more of a school prefect." He looked very angry. "Fifty points from both Ravenclaw and Gryffindor. I expect to see you in detention every night, after dinner, starting next week. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, sir," I replied. "Perhaps we could go over the concept of knocking before entering a room?"  
  
"Another ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"You have realized, Professor, that at this point it doesn't really make a difference... Haven't you?"  
  
"And another ten for your attitude." I shrugged. "And I'd better not go through an experience like this again."  
  
"I don't plan to make it a habit."  
  
"Good." He stood silently for a while, his hands clasped behind his back as he completely avoided looking me in the face.  
  
"So... Are you free Saturday night?" He started, then adopted a suspicious expression.  
  
"...What?"  
  
"Because I know this great restaurant over in Hogsmeade-"  
  
"Miss Page," he snapped, "despite whatever your own twisted fantasies have led you to believe, I do not go on... romantic outings... with students."  
  
"I never said it was a date." Silence. "Alright, so I was asking for a date. You can't blame me for trying, Sweet-cheeks."  
  
"I most certainly can!"  
  
"Well, you are my Valentine."  
  
"...I don't have time for such foolishness." With that, he swept off to apprehend more unsuspecting couples.  
  
"...Nadia?" Colin emerged from the room. "Did you just ask Snape out?"  
  
"I was joking." Honestly. He's so jealous.  
  
"We're dating! You can't just go around asking people out!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I so can." His mouth dropped open. "I was kidding! Come on, Colin- he's a teacher!"  
  
"That just makes it worse." I glared at him a moment, then cuffed him round the head.  
  
"Honestly. Grow up." Then I walked away. Really, though. Jealous of Professor Snape! Puh! It's not as if I like him more than Colin!  
  
...I don't.  
  
Really.  
  
Alright, maybe a little. But just a tiny bit.  
  
* ~ February 23 ~ *  
  
Dirty smut! Sorry, I just had that on my mind. I woke up very early today. As a matter of fact, it's only five in the morning right now. No one should ever be up that early on a Sunday. But I'm getting off topic. Alright, the detention. I think Professor Snape really might have a soft spot for me. I mean, a lot of the detentions he gives me are served with him. That has to mean something, right? RIGHT!? Anyway, detention was... Interesting. Sort of. The first night we got into a bit of a marital dispute.  
  
I was minding my own business, scrubbing down the work tables, maybe humming "A Pirate's Life for Me," when he got all angry-like. "Detentions are to be served in silence," he growled tersely.  
  
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."  
  
"This is your last warning, Miss Page." He seemed very tense.  
  
"We're rascals, scoundrels, villains and knaves. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho."  
  
"ENOUGH!"  
  
"We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs! Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!"  
  
"Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" He put a silencing charm on me. Again. So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I pretended that I was choking and collapsed onto the floor. I don't think he believed it at first, but after a minute or so of laying on the floor and holding my breath, he started getting apprehensive. "Miss Page? Get off the floor." I felt him nudge me with his foot. God, what a doof. "Miss Page? Hello? Are you alright." I think I was starting to turn a little blue. "Fuck. I'm going to lose my job. Finite." And then he... Punched me in the chest. Basically.  
  
"Ahhh, fucker!" I groaned after several long, gasping breaths. "That fucking hurt, you douche!" Seriously. You don't go around punching people.  
  
"It did not," he argued. "It was that... Teepee stuff."  
  
"CPR? No. That was punching me in the chest."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw. You shouldn't be so ungrateful."  
  
"Why would I be grateful to you for punching me?"  
  
"I saved your life."  
  
"Right. Sure."  
  
"I will not tolerate your insolence! Another ten points!"  
  
"Enough of this!" I proclaimed angrily. "I'm giving you the silent treatment, starting now!"  
  
"Thank God." At which point I began to ignore him. And did so all week long. At first he seemed almost... Blissful. However, after my fourth detention spent in absolute silence, he started to look rather unnerved. Hahaha. I knew he would weaken, eventually. Throughout numbers five and six, he was very... Twitchy.  
  
The last detention, he cracked. I knew I had the touch. Yes! Anyway, I was sorting his slimy things in jars, paying absolutely no attention to him. None at all. No way. And he was tapping his quill, which was getting really annoying, but I continued to ignore him. "Miss Page." I AM GOD. "Come here." I hoped that meant what I thought it meant. While ignoring it. "Miss Page." Silent treatment. "Miss Page!" I sneezed. "You will not ignore me!" I decided to do as he said, for once, and not ignore him. So, I stuck my tongue out at him, then continued sorting the slimy things. Scraping chair, footsteps, menacing voice, and then... "Speak."  
  
"Moooooork."  
  
"With words!"  
  
"Raoul caressed his lover's engorged manhood."  
  
"Other than pornography!"  
  
"You do realize that this means you've cracked. You thought you could handle the silent treatment, but you were wrong. In the end, they all come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy." He stared at me, the tick in his jaw going off.  
  
"Clearly, I've erred. You may continue your vow of silence." Well, it was that basic idea. Except, more angrily and with a lot of gesturing.  
  
"Too late. So, I've been practically bursting. See, the weirdest thing is happening. I'm getting my period right now-" his face turned redder than my vagina- "and usually, it's the regular cramps and constipation, so on and so forth. But now, my boobs are getting sore. Do you think that's normal? Maybe I should check for lumps. Here, feel this spot." His mouth dropped open as I grabbed him by the wrist and placed his hand on my breast. "Any lumps there?" All I can say upon looking back at the scene is... Wow. I don't think I've ever seen a grown man faint before. And it wasn't because of some wimpy thing like surprise or fear of breasts... It was just the sheer anger. He was turning purple, for Christ's sake!  
  
Well, it occurred to me that the best idea would be to get Professor Snape up to the infirmary. However, I don't know the spell for conjuring those neat floating stretchers, and I certainly couldn't carry him all that way. It was at that moment in time that I noticed the jar of floo powder on top of the mantle, so, being the smart person I am, I threw it in Professor Snape's face to wake him up! No, kidding. I'm not that stupid. I tossed it into the fireplace, paused for a moment to think, then began shouting.  
  
"Professor Lupin!! If you're having sex right now you should probably stop!!" I glanced at Professor Snape's prone form. "I think Professor Snape is having a heart attack or something!!" There was a moment's pause before Professor Lupin came tumbling through the fireplace.  
  
"Wha- heart attack!?" Then he caught sight of Professor Snape. "Good lord! What did you do!?"  
  
"I did absolutely nothing," I replied indignantly. "And we probably shouldn't waste time."  
  
"Hello? Who's having a heart attack?" That was Draco, casually buttoning his shirt as he gracefully stepped through the fireplace. I eyed Professor Lupin.  
  
"I knew you were having sex."  
  
"This isn't the time," he firmly scolded me as he conjured a floating stretcher for Professor Snape. Ooh, sexy man, taking charge of the situation. "Nadia, help me lift him."  
  
"What about me?" Draco asked, rather pathetically.  
  
"Nadia's stronger."  
  
"Hey!" Draco's indignant nature was ignored as we lifted Snape onto the stretcher and began maneuvering him out of the room.  
  
"He'll be alright, won't he?" I asked Professor Lupin. Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that he might really be sick or something.  
  
"I don't know," he sighed. Draco was just tagging along for the drama. That drama queen. I'll bet he was basking in it.  
  
"I'll bet he had a stroke and now he's going to sound like Trelawny for the rest of his life." Lupin frowned back at him.  
  
"Really, the woman has enough problems without your ridicule added to the pile."  
  
"Alright, alright." There was a sort of uncomfortable silence as we made our way to the hospital wing, which I was very relieved to finally reach, by the way.  
  
"Goodness!" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed when she saw our cargo. "What has that man done to himself now? Well, come along, Professor, we'll get him settled." She eyed me and Draco. "You two can just take a seat right over there." She waved us away before rushing off with the two professors. So, Draco and I got settled. And sat in more silence.  
  
"...I told him," Draco finally blurted out, just as I was about to try and break the strange quietude.  
  
"You mean you told Professor Lupin that you're only after a physical relationship?" He nodded. "What did he say?"  
  
"Basically... 'Thank God! I was just trying to think of a way to tell you the same thing.' Or something along those lines. So we're cool."  
  
"I'm glad." More silence.  
  
"So... Why did Snape have a heart attack?"  
  
"I made him touch my boob," I replied.  
  
"Really? I suppose he is gay, after all. At least, after having to get so close to you."  
  
"Now's not the time."  
  
"You turn men gay. You really are a fag hag." I was seriously ready to backhand him. As a matter of fact, I was warming my hand up. "Hold on, hold on! I was just kidding! You know, trying to lighten the mood."  
  
"Well, it's not helping. I have my period, and I feel guilty as all hell. I mean, what if he really did have a heart attack? I'd... I'd be so ashamed of myself!"  
  
"...And you aren't already?" In short, Draco got backhanded. So, for the next half hour, Draco sulked and I worried incessantly about Professor Snape. Finally, Madam Pomfrey and Professor Lupin returned, both looking rather tired. But in an optimistic way, I like to think.  
  
"...Was it a heart attack?" I got up the guts to ask.  
  
"No," Madam Pomfrey replied. I opened my mouth again, but she cut me off. "Not a stroke, either." I let out a sigh of relief. "You see, it more resembled a massive anxiety attack. Blood was being pumped through his blood stream far too fast for comfort, and his airways became constricted, so he passed out. This sort of thing usually masquerades as a heart attack, which really isn't at all unlikely. His family history, high-strung personality and constantly high blood pressure put him at high risk for heart disease and stroke. It would be best to monitor his diet and excercise for the next few days, just to make sure he gets on the right track." I felt like his wife, sitting there and listening to the diagnosis. "And I highly recommend that one of you stays overnight with him, just in case." Draco and Lupin glanced at each other, then both fixed their eyes firmly on me.  
  
"...Alright. I volunteer. Though, if he wakes up, you'd better have another bed ready." Madam Pomfrey only let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"I'll get a chair and a blanket for you." With that, she bustled off.  
  
"Are you two going to go have more sex?" Hey, it was a grasp of the familiar in a strange and frightening situation.  
  
"Probably," Draco replied. Lupin hit him.  
  
"No," he insisted, giving Draco one of those scary warning looks that takes years to develop. "Draco is going home for some much needed rest. Is there anything you need?"  
  
"Well..." I checked my bag. Only one tampon and no pads. "I need some supplies of a feminine nature."  
  
"Madam Pomfrey has plenty of those," Draco snorted dismissively. This comment was met with much staring. "What? It's not like I've used them."  
  
"You are such a girl."  
  
"Yes, you really are," I agreed. "So, I'll... See you later." I stood up to go take up my post, Draco throwing his usual insult as he left, while Professor Lupin squeezed my shoulder. Aw, how sweet. So, I sat in a (thankfully) cushioned chair at Professor Snape's bedside and... Watched him sleep. He actually seemed peaceful, for once. I suppose it was because he didn't know I was nearby.  
  
I knew I wasn't supposed to fall asleep, so I entertained myself by singing the entirety of "Bohemian Rhapsody" to myself twice over, including the instrumental parts, which I hummed. Then I went and asked Madam Pomfrey for some feminine products. After changing, I resumed my post. And sang some more Queen. With air guitar. Hey, it's boring in the hospital wing... At least, it is when you're conscious. When I'd gotten through all the Queen I know, I started in with the Elvis. After that was Elton John, then Eurythmics, then Madonna, then the Bangles, followed by a total eighties fest. My throat was actually getting rather sore.  
  
However, it wasn't until I'd begun "A Pirate's Life for Me," that Professor Snape actually started to wake up. Which was a bad thing. "...Hmmm..." He sounded like he was in pain. "...I feel... Like... A really bad egg." I glanced around to see if there was anyone else present who could have hexed him. Apparently not. I figured he must have been delirious from his episode, not to mention extremely drugged up.  
  
"Hey, there," I said in my most soothing voice. "You'll be alright." I patted his hand.  
  
"Nafunnel... Yogurt." That seems to be a rather recurring theme in his subconscious. I remember that from the last time I was in the hospital wing. "Mrm..." Apparently, he was half-asleep. "...Pirate princess..." Er... "Mary Janes."  
  
"...Drink up me 'earties, yo ho?"  
  
"...Nadia... Hmph..." Then he snorted, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I watched him for a bit, then shook my head in wonderment. The man really has some strange issues. On the bright side, he used my given name. Now that's a first! As I mulled over the fact, I eventually fell asleep, and had a rather scintillating dream about Professor Snape as a pirate captain, and I, his seductive prisoner. Recurring dreams are the bomb.  
  
The next morning, I awoke rather abruptly, most likely because Professor Snape was shouting at me. Madam Pomfrey was trying to calm him down, but when that didn't work, she stunned him, pumped him with tranquilizers, then revived him. He looked much calmer. And... Slightly stoned. "Mmmiss... Paage..." Make that very stoned.  
  
"Are you sure you need that much?"  
  
"Oh yes," she assured me. "I truly did."  
  
"Deeetentionnn.... Wwithh... McGonagall."  
  
"Careful, now. Don't hurt yourself." He looked rather angry at that. "Why don't you just relax and get some well deserved rest, hmm, Professor?" He started to lay down. "There, now, that feels good, doesn't it?" He glared at me until he dropped off again. I could be wrong, but perhaps he was angry at me?  
  
Things didn't get interesting until Professor Snape woke up again, obviously still under the influence of drugs, but as much as before. "Miss Page," he hissed. He seems to like using my name as an insult an awful lot. "Explain yourself."  
  
"How do you feel?" He blinked.  
  
"...What?"  
  
"How do you feel?" I repeated.  
  
"...Alright."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"Oh, Professor!" I leaned forward and flung my arms around him. "I'm so happy that you're alright! I was worried sick!"  
  
"Get off me." He seemed incapable of shouting. So, I sat up again.  
  
"Madam Pomfrey assured us that it wasn't a heart attack," I informed him.  
  
"...Us?" He seemed rather apprehensive of that.  
  
"Professor Lupin, Draco, and myself." He groaned. "Yes, I know... Draco's a girl. Anyway, she said that it was a massive anxiety attack and that you're a high-strung lunatic with blood pressure through the roof, so you have to watch your diet and excercise from now on." He glared at me for a long time.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Well... I felt partly responsible-"  
  
"You are entirely responsible." Thank goodness for sedatives.  
  
"Well, yes. So, naturally, I was plagued with guilt. Besides that, I was worried, and you know I'd never you alone all night after something like that, Professor. You're my little bundle of joy." More glaring ensued. "Or not."  
  
"When can I leave?"  
  
"Dunno." I shrugged. "Oh, and I got you something special." I fished in my bag a bit and handed him my leftover crappy infirmary tampons. "They made me think of you."  
  
"...I'm dead, and I've gone to hell. That's the only explanation."  
  
"Don't talk to yourself, dear. It makes you look nutty." He scowled fiercely.  
  
"I am not your dear."  
  
"That isn't what you said last night," I replied casually. Which, technically, is true.  
  
"Oh?" I nodded. "What, then?"  
  
"Something about funnels and yogurt and Mary Janes. I think you really need to see a psychologist about that muttering in your sleep." He went red and turned his head away. "I guess that means it has something to do with a kinky game?"  
  
"Twenty points," he huffed. I would have invented a kinky game on the spot if Madam Pomfrey hadn't come to put a damper on my fun.  
  
"You seem to be recovering well," she commented, disregarding me as she examined him. "Alright, then. Have some breakfast and then you may go. Miss Page, please be a dear and escort the professor down to the dungeons. He'll need to rest for the remainder of the day, but after that it's excercise, excercise, and more excercise. Got that, Severus? Excercise." As she scurried away, he made a nasty face at her back and mimicked her.  
  
"Don't be such a child, Professor. It sets a bad example." He made a nasty face at me, as well. "I take it you don't like to excercise."  
  
"No." Madam Pomfrey returned with a tray of food and set it on Professor Snape's lap, then ran off again. "...What is this?" I looked at it.  
  
"Calcium and vitamin D enriched orange juice, oatmeal, half a grapefruit, and two tablespoons of cottage cheese." I leaned forward and sniffed it. "Make that reduced fat cottage cheese."  
  
"I'm in hell," he muttered, pushing the tray away.  
  
"If you don't eat it, I'll tattle on you." He made another nasty face, then picked up his spoon and started eating. He grimaced every time he took a bite, and it was really pathetic. "It's not that bad," I muttered.  
  
"I hate oatmeal." He had some grapefruit. "I hate grapefruit." Then some cottage cheese. "And I really hate low fat." I snorted.  
  
"You're acting like Draco."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw. I am not a drama queen, and I most certainly am not a girl." Unlike Draco.  
  
"Yes, I noticed that time in the bathroom." He growled menacingly, but I ignored it. "And I'm going to ask Professor Lupin to check up on you at random intervals, you know. You'll never sleep alone!" He raised an eyebrow, to which I shrugged.  
  
"I'm done." He pushed his breakfast away again.  
  
"You're not done. And don't even think of arguing, because I'll call Madam Pomfrey over here to bludgeon you with forceps." He made a sour face and resumed eating. It was actually rather entertaining to watch. "Don't be such a baby. I eat that stuff all the time, and look at me! I haven't burned up or melted yet, and I can even knock Draco out."  
  
"A newborn could knock him out," Professor Snape muttered grumpily, taking a long gulp of orange juice. "I hate vitamins."  
  
"You're a real pain, you know that?" He sent a rather murderous expression my way.  
  
"I am a pain? Tell me again, Miss Page, what is the reason I'm here?"  
  
"You have a horrible lifestyle full of stress and poor fitness and nutrition?"  
  
"No! Because of you! Why can't you leave me alone!?"  
  
"No can do, Professor," I informed him. "I've got a goal to reach."  
  
"And what is that?"  
  
"Getting into your pants. And don't worry, I don't mind if you're dead already, that only makes it easier." The tick in his jaw was acting up like crazy, and if looks could kill, I would have burst into flames, then been eaten by a flying shark.  
  
"Miss Page. Whatever the joke is, you should stop right now." I blinked.  
  
"What joke?" There's no joke! Really! Er...  
  
"Don't play dumb with me."  
  
"I'm not, really. I genuinely like you, Professor." Which is true.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"Wow, you take compliments badly." He growled. "If you'd ever stopped to notice, Professor, you'd have found out by now that the growling turns me on a lot more than it scares me." He stopped growling.  
  
"If I bribed you, would you leave me alone?" I thought for a moment.  
  
"Mmm... Nope. Sorry."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Have sex with me and we'll call it even."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Spoil sport." I crossed my arms and pouted for a bit. "And finish your breakfast before it gets... Slimy."  
  
"It already is slimy."  
  
"Eat it, anyway. Then I'll reward you with a nice, relaxing sexual massage."  
  
"That is quite enough, Miss Page," he muttered, very quickly finishing off his breakfast. Honestly, I was starting to think the grimace would be permanent. Though, I don't blame him, what with having to eat a grapefruit without sugar.  
  
"Alright, now I'll help you get dressed."  
  
"I can do it myself! Get out of here!"  
  
"Fine, fine. You shouldn't be so nasty to me, you know. I am playing nursemaid and watching over you. And I volunteered, thanks very much."  
  
"You're not welcome." So, while I waited for Professor Snape to get dressed I... Well, I watched his silhouette through the curtain. When he emerged, fully dressed, I stuck out my arm.  
  
"Shall we, sir?" He snorted and walked past me. Though his pace was much slower than usual. "I can see that you're very tired," I commented as I followed him out of the infirmary. "There's no shame in accepting a bit of help."  
  
"I don't need help," he snarled. Well, at least that feisty spirit of his was back full force.  
  
"You look a bit winded." Which was true, and my concern was not misplaced; he was walking down a flight of stairs.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"You shouldn't stress yourself within twenty-four hours of your episode, Professor. Madam Pomfrey knows what she's talking about."  
  
"I am not stressing myself! Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"I think we've already reached zero, sir."  
  
"I don't care!" I tsked him.  
  
"You really are high-strung. You're worse than my mother."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"Yes, you've specified already." I yanked his arm into my iron grip and forced him to let me help him down the stairs. "You're going to get into bed straight away, aren't you, Professor?" He grunted. "And you need to drink plenty of fluids, and avoid red meat. And try to loosen up, a little, too."  
  
"I don't eat steak. And since when are you a mediwitch?"  
  
"Red meat also includes beef, pork, and lamb. And I happen to know a lot about this sort of thing for a multitude of reasons, all of which are private. So there. Now, here are some things that will help reduce your stress level..."  
  
"Merlin, help me." I ignored him.  
  
"You shouldn't isolate yourself so much. Try to build closer relationships with other, and share your daily experiences. You might want to think about spending more time in the staff room with the other teachers. Excercise won't just lower your blood-pressure, it'll help you cope with stress as well. Try to get at least thirty minutes in four or more days of the week. You need to get enough sleep, too, which I don't think you do. And don't start in with those stalker accusations, I just hear things, is all. At least eight hours a night, Professor. You also might want to practice some relaxation techniques, such as yoga and meditation."  
  
"Are you finished?"  
  
"No. Now that we've covered stress, we should go over the specifics of your diet and excercise regimen."  
  
"I'm not taking medical advice from a teenager."  
  
"Trust me on this, Professor. I've been dieting constantly since puberty. The biggest thing to remember, though, is that it's not really a diet, it's a lifestyle." He was grimacing again. "It's really not that bad. Healthy food can taste really good. And the healthiest food you can eat is natural. You know, lean meat, natural spices, fruits and vegetables, yogurt, milk-"  
  
"Where's my wand?"  
  
"I picked your pocket." Hey, I was anticipating this reaction. "Anyway, speaking of dairy, you need two to three servings of calcium rich dairy foods a day. Calcium keeps your bones strong and increases the elasticity of your skin, as well. One serving of calcium is marked as twenty-five percent. So, you could have milk, yogurt, cottage cheese (which is also an excellent source of protein) or any calcium enriched cheese or milk substitute."  
  
"Kill me."  
  
"No. Now, you also need to consider your vitamin C, dietary fiber, iron, folic acid- you know, that stuff. Citrus fruits are always a good source of vitamin C, and most of your necessary vitamins and minerals can be found in a variety of daily multi-vitamins. Today's a Hogsmeade trip, so I'll pick some up for you." He groaned. "As for dietary fiber, whole grains such as oatmeal, wheat and bran are always a good source. And while we're on the carbohydrates, try to cut down on those as much as possible. Four servings a day, at the most. And try to stay away from white anything, and starch. Potatoes are alright, though, but you'd be best staying with your red potatoes. Protein rich foods are, again, cottage cheese, poultry, and fish- you should try to eat fish at least once a week. And don't forget about soy protein, found in miso, soybeans, and tofu, among other things. As for excercise-"  
  
"I've had enough, really."  
  
"No you haven't. Like I said, at least thirty minutes a day, four days a week. And you need to remember that this is the minimum. You need to expend at least 1,000 to 3,500 calories a week, so keep that in mind. Now, as for the type of excercise, you'd best stay with cardiovascular activities such as walking, jogging, running, and flying would be alright as long as it's paired with at least fifteen minutes of an alternate excercise. Yoga, the stress-reducing technique I mentioned before, can also count as an excercise. Then there's kick-boxing, which I doubt you'll try and I won't encourage (it's torture, I swear) and pilates, which I'm not even sure about, but I've heard good things. You be best starting off small and working your way up. I'll have to consult Madam Pomfrey about resistance excercises, but they really couldn't hurt."  
  
"Are you done?"  
  
"Yes. There's a lot more to it, but I shouldn't bombard you with a lot of information all at once."  
  
"God forbid." It was at that moment that I realized we'd made it down to the dungeons. "I believe I can take it from here, Miss Page."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. Leave." I gave him a little pat on the arm.  
  
"I'm really sorry about all this. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you." He looked about ready to protest, but I jogged off before he could say anything. I was quite hungry at the moment, and since by that time most of the students would have already made it to Hogsmeade, I decided that the Great Hall would be a nice pit stop. However, I wasn't sitting for five minutes when another conflict began.  
  
"Nadia!"  
  
"Yes, Colin?" He came stomping up to me, looking extremely angry.  
  
"You were in the hospital wing all night with Snape, weren't you!?"  
  
"...Yes." Oh, God. He was jealous again.  
  
"I heard- heard that Snape was in the infirmary because he had a heart attack while- while-" he paused, shuddering. "While you were serving a naughty detention!"  
  
"...Pardon?" I could see where this was leading.  
  
"You know! Having sex!" I was just about ready to burst out laughing.  
  
"Colin, you've got it all wrong."  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
"Yes! It wasn't a heart attack, just an anxiety attack, and we'd only gotten to second base when it happened." Well, he deserved it. Plus, it was extremely satisfying to see his mouth drop open like that.  
  
"W-what? I haven't even gotten to second base with you!"  
  
"I know. Strange world we're living in, eh?" He mouthed wordlessly for a few seconds, slowly turning red. "Colin. Calm down. I was having you on."  
  
"You- you what?"  
  
"Do you really think Snape would ever even touch a student? Come on. Let's try to live in the real world, at least for a few minutes."  
  
"Oh... Oh Jesus... I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay." It was at that moment that I noticed Professor Lupin exiting the Great Hall, and, remembering my vow to Professor Snape, I went after him. Colin seemed a bit vexed at that, especially since he'd started talking again. Oh well. "Professor Lupin!" It was rather easy to catch up with him.  
  
"Hello, Nadia. How's Professor Snape?"  
  
"He's alright, but he isn't taking to the whole healthy living thing. Would you just surprise him at random intervals and make sure he isn't... Ingesting poison or anything?"  
  
"Certainly. You seem to be falling into the role of surrogate mother rather well."  
  
"Ah, it runs in the family. Oh, and remember: he isn't allowed any red meat or other foods high in saturated fat."  
  
"I'll remember."  
  
"Okay, thanks a bunch. I'm going to go change, now, since I've been wearing these clothes for so long that they're starting to stick to me..." So, with a quick farewell I was off to get changed and so on. After that, I went into Hogsmeade to get Professor Snape the supplies I'd promised. A chewable daily multi-vitamin, severable books on healthy eating and excercise, a Tantric sex manual (hey, it's practically the same as yoga... Sort of) and, as a special treat, some dark chocolate. It's actually good for you, as long as you don't eat too much. While I was shopping, I just happened to run into Ginny and Luna.  
  
"Did you really have sex with him?" That was the first thing out of Ginny's mouth.  
  
"No. I made him feel my breast for lumps, he had an anxiety attack, spent the night in the infirmary. That is, if we're talking about Professor Snape, which I assume we are."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, there you go."  
  
"What are you doing?" Luna asked.  
  
"Shopping for Professor Snape. He needs to watch himself, now, or else he really will get a heart attack. This is one of the warning signs that he's traveling down the dangerous road to heart disease, you know." They both just stared at me for a bit.  
  
"...You fancy him more than Colin, don't you?" Ginny finally asked.  
  
"No, of course not!" I lied.  
  
"...Right. Well, we'll let you mother him for the rest of the day. We've got dates."  
  
"Really? Have fun." So, we parted ways. I made it back to the school by lunch time, which was a relief because it would be easy to find Professor Snape, and, since it was such an unusually nice day out, most of the remaining students would probably fancy a picnic. That meant that the Great Hall would be practically empty, which is a very good thing.  
  
There he was, up at the high table, grimacing down at his food while Professor Lupin was apparently informing him of the health benefits provided by that particular meal. So, I scurried up there and plopped the bounty upon the table. "There you go, Professor. Multi-vitamins and some reading to help you." He glared at me, but then took notice of the chocolate.  
  
"Chocolate? I can eat this?" He seemed rather doubtful.  
  
"Oh, yes. Dark chocolate is very good for you. It provides some important vitamin I forget the name of, but I remember that milk cancels it out, so don't drink milk with it. And only dark chocolate, two ounces a day, tops. It'll help you out, trust me. If there's a candy or junk food with health benefits, I know about it."  
  
"Thank you," he grumbled darkly.  
  
"Don't be so sour. Good nutrition and excercise will actually help to improve your mood, you know. And what are you drinking?"  
  
"Pumpkin juice. Is there a problem with that?"  
  
"Not at all! Pumpkin juice counts as one serving towards your fruits and vegetables. You need to have five servings total a day, you know. And do you drink red wine?"  
  
"...Yes."  
  
"Good! Keep that up, it's good for your heart. One glass in the evening, no more and no less. And don't let me catch you with any other alcoholic drinks, or you'll be sorry. What are you eating? Let me see... Turkey, carrots, mashed potatoes... That's too many potatoes, cut the serving in half. Those are loaded with butter, you know. And add another vegetable to your plate. Is that turkey lean?" I noticed that Professor Lupin was looking extremely amused.  
  
"Enough!" he finally snapped at me. "I refuse to be mothered! You will return to your seat immediately or I'll-"  
  
"PROFESSOR!!!" I screeched. All attention snapped towards me. "WHY DID YOU TELL EVERYBODY OUR LOVE SECRET!?!?" He turned red and gripped the table very tightly. The Headmaster seemed just as amused as Lupin was.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you!?"  
  
"You were acting up," I replied. "I wouldn't want you to endanger your health." Professor Lupin chuckled quietly. "Anyway, I almost forgot to mention- stay away from whole milk products. Stick with part-skim or reduced fat cheeses and other dairy substances, and don't drink any higher than one percent fat milk. And eat the vitamin, for Merlin's sake, before I have a heart attack myself! Anyway, I'm in desperate need of a nap. See you later, professors."  
  
"That girl will be the death of me," I heard him mutter as I walked away. Aw, how sweet of him! Anyway, I went up to my dorm and took a nap. It was fun. Now I'm wondering if I'll have to keep playing nurse with Professor Snape. God, I hope so. Well... Now that it's starting to get light out, I should probably take a shower. And masturbate a little. You know, just in case. Off I trot.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
In answer to some questions from previous reviewers: No, I did not base Nathanyel's looks on Alan Rickman. Alan's just in a class of his own. ;) Nathanyel didn't know that Nadia had said "SKCN," it was just an example of like father, like daughter. And "ahhh, wipe out" is from a scene in the movie "Teen Wolf" starring Michael J. Fox, which everyone should see right this instant.  
  
The crying, packed lunch, Snape's my man, and list of naughty things are all courtesy of/inspired by The List of 404 Ways to Annoy Snape. Or something like that. Which was recommended to me by Le Masque. Thanks, Le Masque! Props to Me the Charmer for the singing, Nabiki, whose suggestions inspired the KY warming lubricant scene, Egads168 for the silent treatment, and I'mNotHermione, who contributed the invitation to the Astronomy Tower.  
  
Anyway, next chapter: Colin gets that smack I promised, and you may just be celebrating something else that happens to him. I'm not making any promises. Grape leaves, emotional outbursts, insecurity about breast size, and another appearance by Nathanyel abound in chapter eleven. It'll be fun, I promise. 


	11. The Renaissance Man

Alright, here's chapter eleven. Surprisingly, I finished it very quickly. In this chapter, Nadia finally gets Professor Snape to be civil to her, and finds out more than she ever wanted to know about Remus, Draco and her father. And no, it's not sexual, you dirty wonderful perverts.  
  
Disclaimer: In the words of the immortal Bugs Bunny... "Here, lions."  
  
~~  
  
Chapter 11: The Renaissance Man  
  
* ~ March 2 ~ *  
  
Another month gone by, already. Whoo, time really does fly when you're giving Professor Snape health advice. I made him an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan in my spare time (since I have no life) and decided to surprise him with it before breakfast one morning. It was rather easy to find him; I just headed down to the dungeons and made a racket. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was up and running.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Professor! Look what I made you!" I held out the charts.  
  
"...What is it?"  
  
"It's an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan!" He just stared at me. "It's either this or massive coronary."  
  
"I'll take the heart attack, thanks."  
  
"That's it. I'm going to go to Madam Pomfrey and I'm telling her that not only do you refuse to follow the proper nutritional guidelines, but you also molested me."  
  
"Hold it!"  
  
"Are you going to take it, or what?" With a low growl, he snatched the papers from my hands. "How very responsible of you, sir."  
  
"Get out of my sight."  
  
"Remember, the sooner you're in good health, the sooner we can have sex." Wow, he looked murderous after that comment. "See you later!" I got my ass out of there before I got it into any more trouble. During breakfast, I talked to Colin and everything was resolved. Then I told the SSS that I wasn't going to do any more tasks for the week.  
  
"Why not?" Ginny complained.  
  
"Because I'm trying to get Professor Snape healthy, not send him back to the infirmary."  
  
"You so fancy him."  
  
"Shut it." In front of Colin, I added in my head. After classes, I went up to the hospital wing to ask Madam Pomfrey a few questions for Professor Snape. She seemed rather amused, for some reason. Then she told me I should be his tag-along dietician, and, sensing an opportunity to spend tons of time with the love of my life- I mean- professor, I agreed. I decided to wait a bit to inform Professor Snape, since his condition seemed rather fragile at the moment. As in, he'd hex me.  
  
At dinner I gave him the eye. The entire time. Needless to say, he stayed away from anything I (or Madam Pomfrey) would disapprove of. After dinner, I apprehended him. "Madam Pomfrey informed me that you have a dietician, now."  
  
"...Who?" He looked ready to stab himself in the face.  
  
"Me." I grinned. Then he looked ready to stab me in the face. There isn't really much else to tell for the rest of the week. I just kept badgering him to exercise and forced him to eat healthy food. I had a lot of help from Professor Lupin, of course. Then, yesterday (Saturday, for those of you not in the know) things took a drastic turn. I was walking down to the dungeons at around eleven in the morning to see if Professor Snape was in his office when... There he was. My dad.  
  
"Oh my God, Dad. No." There's something about my father that kind of bothers me. He dresses very well, when it comes to wizards' robes. It's nothing but the best. But with muggle clothes... It's another story. He never throws anything away. He uses preservation charms and just keeps wearing the clothing. Clothing from the seventies and eighties. Clothing he's had since he was my age. It's sort of like a "go you!" though, since they still fit him perfectly. But they're the most crazy, disgustingly colored things on the planet.  
  
And there he was, in flamingo pink Doc Martens, morbidly ripped jeans, acid green shirt, brown corduroy jacket. The jacket, I like. But... He looks like a nutty bum! One of those people holding signs saying "God is a duck and the world is coming to an end!" or something. It embarrasses me. Just a little.  
  
"Hullo, lovely." He yawned. "How's school?"  
  
"It's fine, Dad. And do those jeans have an ass rip?"  
  
"Don't worry. The jacket covers it."  
  
"Oh, good lord."  
  
"These have a lot of sentimental value."  
  
"Yes, you must have had some good times in them, mooning people on the street all day." He only grinned. "Why are you here, now? Since when do you frequent Hogwarts?"  
  
"I received a letter informing me that you sexually assaulted Professor Snape and endangered his health. Is that true, or is this just a wonderful dream?"  
  
"It's true." Maybe he is a nutty bum. Ew. Double entendre.  
  
"Nadia. I just want you to know..." He put his hands on my shoulders and sniffed dramatically. "I'm very proud of you!"  
  
"...What?"  
  
"My little baby's growing up and falling in love!"  
  
"What!?" He pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, sniffling again.  
  
"I only hope I'm a good grandfather!"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"The wedding will be so beautiful! I know the perfect place!"  
  
"DAD! What the hell are you talking about!?" He finally let me go and gave me a rather puzzled look.  
  
"You mean you're not madly in love with Professor Snape?" He looked as if he were trying to grasp a concept that seemed too impossible to be true.  
  
"I wouldn't say madly in love."  
  
"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. Oh no. He was getting ideas. "What would you say?"  
  
"Umm... Lust over him every moment of every day?" There was a short silence.  
  
"Good enough!" Then he was hugging me again.  
  
"Somebody!" I wheezed. "Help!"  
  
"I'm so happy for you!"  
  
"What's all this racket!?" Professor Snape, of all people, had entered the scene. However, he took one look at us and... "Bye."  
  
"SEVERUS!!!!" Dad tackled him. Oh Jesus help me. My father just tackled my potions professor. And was he babbling in Italian?  
  
"GET OFF ME!!" Professor Snape roared. "I AM NOT A SOFA!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!"  
  
"This sofa is awfully noisy," Dad commented blithely.  
  
"Let me try it." Well, if you can't beat them, join them. I sat down on Professor Snape's bum and gave it a little slap. "It's rather firm, I think."  
  
"DETENTION!"  
  
"And hairy," Dad added, ruffling the professor's hair. "Lumpy, too." He shimmied a bit, as if trying to get comfortable. "Not a good buy, I'd say."  
  
"YOU'RE CRUSHING ME!!"  
  
"Well, I like the color," I said. "And I don't know, there's just something about sitting on it that makes me feel good."  
  
"Yes, I agree. Say, where did Professor Snape go?"  
  
"I'LL KILL THE BOTH OF YOU!!!"  
  
"No idea," I replied. "Maybe he went back to bed."  
  
"We should wait for him here."  
  
"By the way, did you come for another parent teacher conference?"  
  
"Yes. And, you know, I thought I should take a little responsibility for your actions and help the good professor recover."  
  
"That's awfully nice of you."  
  
"I know. I'm just a nice person."  
  
"YOU'RE A NUTTY TIT!! GET OFF OF ME!! FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!!"  
  
"Did you hear something, Nadia?"  
  
"Why, no, Father. Did you?"  
  
"Can't say I did."  
  
"I CAN'T BREATHE!!!"  
  
"I think we should get up, now," I sighed.  
  
"What's the magic word?" Dad sang out, poking Professor Snape in the back of the head.  
  
"...Please," he grumbled. With matching groans, Dad and I got to our feet.  
  
"You wouldn't have such weak bones if you'd consume three servings of calcium fortified dairy products a day," Dad scolded.  
  
"First of all- what are those on your feet?"  
  
"My stompy pink Doc Martens. I know I keep saying I'll throw them out, but I just love them so very much."  
  
"They're ugly."  
  
"Nuh-uh. And don't go bashing the Docs. Nadia, don't you have the green ones I gave you?" So I have stompy Doc Martens. They're pretty and in my favorite color and I love them, so there. I'd stick my tongue out, but... This is a journal.  
  
"Yes. I'm wearing them." Yes. I was.  
  
"Oh, I didn't notice! Look at those, Severus. Aren't they lovely? Green, too. Slytherin pride! Huzzah!"  
  
"Shut up. You're a freak."  
  
"At least I have color in my wardrobe," Dad replied smugly. I really don't think he should be proud of those colors. "And I'm in shape."  
  
"That's enough. I'm going back to bed."  
  
"Oh no you don't! You need to get some exercise." Professor Snape's tick was going off by then. "Let's go."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Don't be a child."  
  
"I AM NOT A CHILD!"  
  
"Or a sofa," I added, feeling a sudden need to be included in the conversation.  
  
"You! Go!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Really, now. I'm your official dietician. You can't make me go."  
  
"But- you- I-"  
  
"Ah-ah! Madam Pomfrey gave me this responsibility, and I refuse to show the same carelessness you are regarding the matter with."  
  
"Yeah," Dad sniggered. "Stop being so careless."  
  
"I'd rather just have the heart attack, really," Professor Snape assured me.  
  
"No. We're walking to Hogsmeade."  
  
"Hooray!" Dad exclaimed.  
  
"...You're not going out in public in that outfit."  
  
"I agree," Professor Snape quickly put in.  
  
"I'll change," Dad replied, taking a miniaturized briefcase out of his pocket. "Awaaaaayyyyy!!!" He ran off, his exclamation echoing through the corridors.  
  
"...If we hurry up and leave now, we can lose him," I muttered.  
  
"I doubt it," Professor Snape grumbled. It wasn't long before Dad came running back, in a reasonable set of brown robes.  
  
"Sorry, loves, but I've got to fly." He seemed very excited. "I just got notice of a huge jump forward in my research- it's major progress, and I mean MAJOR!" He then emulated a southern American accent. "My goodness, Mr. Beauregard, I do believe I've got the vapors!" He kissed me on the cheek and shook Snape's hand. "Ta-ta, have a lovely trip to town!" And then he ran off at full speed.  
  
"How did he get a notice from work?" I asked.  
  
"I don't want to know."  
  
"Alright, then. Let's get to Hogsmeade!"  
  
"It's not a Hogsmeade weekend."  
  
"You're a teacher. You can sneak me out. Anyway, let's get going!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Professor. PLEASE. You need exercise. And I need to get away from Colin. Have mercy, for once. You know Colin. He's in your class. I think he's stalking me!" He just glared at me.  
  
"We can get more chocolate."  
  
"Well..."  
  
"And it's Madam Pomfrey's orders."  
  
"You're lying."  
  
"Alright. Let's just go ask her-"  
  
"Fine! I'll go." I rejoiced in my victory as we exited the dungeons.  
  
"So... You're really afraid of Madam Pomfrey, aren't you?"  
  
"Shut it. You don't know that woman the way I do."  
  
"Professor?"  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Are you wearing black Doc Martens?" I just love playing around with him.  
  
"...I thought I told you to shut it." I was practically floating on a cloud, walking down to Hogsmeade with him. I was planning to pretend that it was a date, actually. Just inside my head.  
  
"What do you want to do first, Professor? Maybe we could find a darkened alley to snog in." That tick in his jaw really is cute.  
  
"Twenty points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"How about a trip to the apothecary?"  
  
"...Fine." So, off to the apothecary. I bought some potions ingredients that Professor Snape seemed to want to question, while he bought a number of poisons. Hypocrite. And I just thought it was so sweet that he had a frequent buyer's discount. I don't know, I'm weird like that. Really weird. After that, we walked some more. And I spotted an ice cream shop.  
  
"Professor?"  
  
"What?" he snapped.  
  
"That ice cream shop has low-fat frozen yogurt in ten different flavors. Would you like to try some?"  
  
"No," he muttered sourly.  
  
"Are you sure? It's really good. I eat it all the time."  
  
"How wonderful for you."  
  
"I'm going to get some."  
  
"I'll wait here." I decided to get him some, anyway. Chocolate raspberry swirl, yummy!  
  
"Professoooor," I taunted, waving the frozen yogurt in his face. "Are you sure you don't want any?"  
  
"...Fine. Hand it over."  
  
"What's the magic word?"  
  
"Detention." He snatched it out of my hand.  
  
"That was awfully rude," I sighed as we continued our walk.  
  
"I don't care." And then... Silence. Which I felt the need to break.  
  
"So, have you ever seen a muggle film?" Conversation is always a must.  
  
"A few." He seemed very contented, with that frozen yogurt firmly within his grasp.  
  
"Which ones?"  
  
"Er... Hmm. It's been a while. There was one about... Two people... And they kept meeting... I don't know. I hate muggle things."  
  
"Wait, are you talking about 'When Harry Met Sally?'"  
  
"Yes, that was it."  
  
"I love that movie! And you know, the only man I know who's seen it is my dad."  
  
"Well, it wasn't as if I had a choice. I was on a date."  
  
"Really? I didn't know that you were so socially active, Professor."  
  
"Harumph."  
  
"So, do you date a lot?"  
  
"I hate dating. I'd rather just pay for sex and have it over with." He paused for a moment and glared at me.  
  
"I won't tell anyone. And why do you say that?"  
  
"For men, dating is just a way to have sex. You should remember that. Every time a man is on a date with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. And when a man is friends with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. Especially that Creevey character."  
  
"Oh, shut up." Glaring again. "Well. So, you agree with Harry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"In the movie. You agree that men and women can never be friends, because sex will always get in the way?"  
  
"Yes. Unless one or both parties are gay."  
  
"I don't think so. I mean... Who would really want to have sex with Billy Crystal?" He just snorted. "Anyway, what about me? You don't seem to want to have sex with me."  
  
"Because you are my student. If you were older, and my friend (which you aren't) then I would most likely want to have sex with you."  
  
"Quick, get me a time turner."  
  
"Ten points. And this stuff isn't half bad." He finished off his frozen yogurt and licked his fingers. Oh, sexy.  
  
"Professor, do you realize that we just had a proper conversation?"  
  
"Yes. I'm planning on killing myself once I get back to my office."  
  
"Haha."  
  
"I'm being completely sincere."  
  
"Why are you being so civil to me, anyway?"  
  
"The Headmaster told me to." He suddenly stopped dead in front of a display window and commenced staring/drooling. It didn't take long to figure out what was on the other side: racing brooms. "Sweet Merlin!" And within the blink of an eye, he was gone from sight, the bell over the doorway still ringing in his wake.  
  
"What is it with men and Quidditch?" I wondered aloud. I entered the shop (which smelled like dried sweat, ew) to see Professor Snape haggling with the man behind the counter. After another ten minutes of holding my nose and watching him slowly dwindle down the price under discussion, I actually witnessed him in his happy mode. We exited the shop, and he was practically glowing, clutching a wrapped up racing broom protectively at his side. "So what is that, again?" He gave me a look as if I were an ignorant baboon.  
  
"It's a Silver Arrow 360. The line was discontinued because of the sudden death of the creator, but now they're being manufactured again."  
  
"What, a journal was found or something?"  
  
"Along those lines, yes." He looked as if he was carrying a bundle of gold.  
  
"Love at first sight, then?"  
  
"Ten points. This isn't some sort of... Pair of shoes or something. It's much more important than that."  
  
"...Right. Because we can walk around dirty, polluted streets covered in vagabonds that urinate on themselves barefoot, but we couldn't possibly survive without racing brooms." He looked extremely abashed.  
  
"Don't be so snide. Detention."  
  
"You know, you're cute when you're happy. You should try it more often."  
  
"I don't do cute."  
  
"Yes you do. You just don't know it."  
  
"I-"  
  
"OOH! Fruit!" I stopped at a fruit stand to take a look. "You could use some of this."  
  
"No I couldn't. You look at fruit all you want, I'm going to the booth selling salves."  
  
"That's gross."  
  
"You're gross," I heard him mutter as he stalked away.  
  
"Hey." I looked up, wondering when I'd be able to get some fruit, to see a very cute guy in an apron. I like the home maker look. "Is that your dad over there?" He nodded to Professor Snape.  
  
"Oh, God no," I replied.  
  
"Let me guess. You're his mistress?"  
  
"No, not that either. I'm... I'm his dietician." Well, technically I am.  
  
"I don't see you around an awful lot. Did you just move here or something?"  
  
"I'm not a permanent resident," I replied. It's always best to be vague.  
  
"Oh, that's too bad. Because I... uh... Wanted to ask you if you wanted to, you know, go get some drinks or something sometime." I raised my eyebrows. "I think you're cute. By the way, what's your-"  
  
"Back off." I looked around to see Professor Snape standing menacingly behind me.  
  
"Hey, bud, I was just asking the girl for a drink-"  
  
"Go. NOW." The unidentified delivery boy made a little disgusted noise in the back of his throat and walked off. I smiled at Professor Snape.  
  
"How valiant of you."  
  
"Valiant nothing. I won't have you going off on your little 'dates' while under my supervision. It's insulting."  
  
"Pff. You were jealous."  
  
"I most certainly was not. Ten points."  
  
"Bah."  
  
"I need a drink. Let's go."  
  
"Ohh, sexy man, in charge."  
  
"Be quiet." So, I was quiet. I just trailed behind him and stared at his ass the whole way. "You're too quiet," he finally commented as we reached the Three Broomsticks. "You're scheming, aren't you? You are, I can tell."  
  
"I'm not scheming," I replied.  
  
"Then what are you doing?"  
  
"Checking you out."  
  
"...Let's just sit down."  
  
"Booth!" I called, walking inside before him and sitting in a booth next to the window.  
  
"You're impossible." He sat down across from me.  
  
"Good day," Madam Rosmerta greeted as she hurried up to us. "What'll you have?"  
  
"Liquor, and lots of it," Professor Snape grumbled.  
  
"Don't you dare!" I snapped. "We'll both have water," I informed her. "And if he tries to order anything else, don't give it to him." With a nod, she bustled off.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"That's not what you were saying earlier." He raised an eyebrow. "You said that under certain circumstances you'd have sex with me, right?"  
  
"I said nothing of the sort. Ten points..." He trailed off as Madam Rosmerta brought back two glasses of water and left again, blatantly checking out her ass. "...Ravenclaw."  
  
"I think you just awarded points, Professor."  
  
"Huh? Right. Sure."  
  
"You really are a jackass."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"Really, now. We're on a date and you go checking out other women?"  
  
"We are not on a date! I am doing this under pain of being sacked!"  
  
"Sure. That's why you want my body."  
  
"I do not want your body!"  
  
"So you weren't jealous when that delivery boy hit on me?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"It sure seemed like it to me."  
  
"Well you are my student. I can't let you run around having sex with strangers."  
  
"Because that's a real possibility."  
  
"It is actually. I know what you do with that Creevey creature."  
  
"I can't believe you would think that- you're dribbling."  
  
"I noticed."  
  
"We're fighting, you know."  
  
"I noticed that, too."  
  
"Fighting like a couple."  
  
"You're delusional."  
  
"And you are calling me easy." He scowled at me. I scowled at him. "Just because I want your hot bod, it doesn't mean I'm some sort of harlot."  
  
"No comment." He sipped his water and made a face. "This needs some firewhiskey."  
  
"Firewhiskey is off limits," I reminded him. "So are any high-sodium or high-sugar drinks. So there."  
  
"This is horrible."  
  
"It's not so bad."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
"I know the pain of a low sugar diet," I reassured him. "Just take solace in the fact that you can cheat every once in a while. Just not right now."  
  
"Bah. Like you're at risk for a heart attack," he groused.  
  
"Actually, I have glucose intolerance." Silence. "Is there a problem?"  
  
"No. So... Is that... Diabetes... Or what?"  
  
"Oh, no. I just get sick if I eat too much sugar. So, I have to watch it. I am actually more susceptible to diabetes than the average person, but as long as I eat healthy it's not serious at all. And you know, it's connected to irregularity in the menstrual cycle."  
  
"Alright, that's enough."  
  
"I found out about it from my gynecologist."  
  
"I've heard enough, really."  
  
"Professor?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I feel as though we're bonding. Don't you think so?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I think we could get along, if only you'd open up."  
  
"Not a chance." I sighed.  
  
"I don't see what's wrong with me."  
  
"Perhaps... You're insane?" He gulped down some more water. "And it runs in the family," he added sourly.  
  
"...Is that referring to my father?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Oh no. What did he do now?"  
  
"Miss Page, the only reason I don't slaughter you is your father."  
  
"...Really?" He scowled, taking on that "I've said too much" expression. "Do you know him?"  
  
"Just finish your water."  
  
"You do, don't you?"  
  
"I'm warning you..."  
  
"For how long? Why did I not know this? Are you Jewish?"  
  
"I- excuse me? Did you just ask me if I'm Jewish?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well... Because it's cut, and I was wondering."  
  
"You... Are... Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"I'm ten points from Ravenclaw? Is that even possible?"  
  
"Shut it."  
  
"Are you Jewish?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"And you know my dad?"  
  
"Yes! Just leave me alone!"  
  
"...What's he really like?" He blinked and tilted his head a bit.  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"I know he's insane, but... Does he really act like that all the time?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So what's he like?"  
  
"You wouldn't want to know."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"It means you need to be quiet and finish your water."  
  
"Do you write letters to Dad? Do you guys go to the zoo and have slumber parties where you paint each other's toenails and stuff?"  
  
"...What is wrong with you?"  
  
"I'll bet he paints your toenails pink." Silence. "Oh my God. Let me see."  
  
"That's it! This 'exercise' is over! I'm going back!"  
  
"Aww, you're so cute when you're embarrassed."  
  
"I am not cute!"  
  
"Listen, Sev," I sighed, "you just need to accept the fact that I find you attractive."  
  
"...Did you just call me 'Sev?'" I bit my lip.  
  
"Er... No."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw." He reached up and started massaging his forehead. "Tell me, if I'm supposed to be avoiding stress, then why am I spending so much time with you?"  
  
"Because I'm the only person around with the two traits vital to making sure you don't kill yourself." He glared at me, apparently waiting for me to reveal the traits. "First, I know how to keep a healthy diet and exercise regimen, and I know the easiest ways to do so. Second, I'm one of the few people in the surrounding area who genuinely likes you."  
  
"...Well... I don't like you."  
  
"Yes, I've been made quite aware of that."  
  
"Good."  
  
"You're so mean to me. All I've ever done is like you."  
  
"What!? You've embarrassed me, stabbed me, nearly given me a heart attack-"  
  
"I feel really bad about that, honest."  
  
"All of it?"  
  
"No, just the last one."  
  
"You... You..."  
  
"I've been thinking about 'Fraggle Rock' lately. I love that show." What can I say? I have a tendency to blurt.  
  
"...What?"  
  
"I'd like to Fraggle your rock, Professor." Wink, wink.  
  
"You are a lecherous, deeply disturbed little twit."  
  
"I know. Crazy, isn't it?"  
  
"You are crazy."  
  
"Like my dad?" I asked. He snorted and quickly changed the subject.  
  
"I'm going back. I have better things to do than argue about this."  
  
"I think you're hiding something. What don't you want me to know? Did you accidentally kill a stripper and bury her in the desert?"  
  
"...Where do you get these ideas?"  
  
"You know, film, television, books... The usual." Shaking his head, he stood, left a tip, and exited. I followed him, of course. "Professor, please wait. You know this past week I've only had your well-being in mind."  
  
"Of course," he muttered sarcastically. "It's rather plain to see."  
  
"We could stop off at Honeyduke's and get some more dark chocolate, if you like."  
  
"...Alright. But after that, back to the castle."  
  
"For some jogging!"  
  
"No! For a nap!"  
  
"If you need an afternoon nap, then you're not getting enough sleep at night. What did I tell you about sleeping?"  
  
"Listen, you can't-"  
  
"I'll have to report this to Madam Pomfrey."  
  
"Fine. I'll walk. No jogging, though." I grinned.  
  
"You know, Professor, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."  
  
"Please. Don't quote muggle films."  
  
You know, I really think I might be growing on the professor. Or, at least, he's being forced to act decently towards me. I wonder if my father is in on it, too? Anyway, I left Professor Snape to his walk and spent the rest of the afternoon doing research in the library. And contemplating Colin's birthday present. His birthday is the twenty-second and I've very little time to prepare. I was thinking... Butt plug. Hmm. Yes!  
  
* ~ March 20 ~ *  
  
Wow, it's been almost three weeks since I wrote anything. Well, there are only two tasks to write about. Not including the continuing love letters, that is. After a while Professor Snape was no longer in need of my nutritional advice, so... I had to give up his sweet loving. Professor Lupin assured me that he and my dad (a crack team of experts, to be sure) had everything under control, but I think it's rather apparent that I'm extremely skeptical. After the first couple of days, it was obvious that I was very anxious. And controlling. So Luna donated a task: decorate Professor Snape's office with articles providing nutrition and fitness advice. Surprise him with it. Of course, I knew exactly who to go to for help.  
  
"Professor Lupin?" It was after class, and I was confident that I could sway Professor Lupin to our side.  
  
"Yes, Nadia?"  
  
"How's Professor Snape doing?"  
  
"Obstinate and contrary, as usual," he replied.  
  
"I've been worried," I confided. "It's not that I doubt your ability, it's just that I have a very controlling nature and I want to be in charge of every detail of every person's life I come across. So, just to help me reassure myself, could you assist me in reminding Professor Snape of the proper steps he needs to take to keep himself in good health?" Professor Lupin raised his eyebrows.  
  
"And what did you have in mind?"  
  
"Well... We could surprise him, by leaving him helpful hints in his office." He suddenly looked rather amused.  
  
"You mean... Redecorate?"  
  
"You might say that."  
  
"Well... I do know someone with access to the office, and I'm fairly sure he'd be willing to help. If it's for the professor's own good, of course."  
  
"Of course," I replied.  
  
"Very well. Shall we start tomorrow?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
"I'll see you at lunch tomorrow, then." He winked.  
  
"See you then." MWAHAHAHA!!  
  
The next day, I found Professor Lupin waiting outside the Great Hall. "I must say, Nadia, this was a very good idea," he commented as we made our way down to the dungeons. "I'm sure it'll cheer Professor Snape up."  
  
"Yoohoo!" What. The. Hell.  
  
"Dad?" He's popping up everywhere. It's driving me insane!  
  
"I understand we're to undertake a project of great and secretive proportions," Dad said, as I stared at his striped trousers. They're so... Hypnotic. Like a car wreck. Pinstripes in shades of green, brown, and some coppery color. It almost moves in front of your eyes. "Is there something wrong?"  
  
"The trousers," I replied.  
  
"Ah, yes. The trousers." He looked down at himself. "They're not so bad."  
  
"You've had those for twenty years," Professor Lupin replied.  
  
"Why is everyone obsessed with my wardrobe all of a sudden? Is it national fashion month or something?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Alright, then. Let's get to work!" Dad got us into the office no problem. I had to admit, there was a lot of work to be done. Dad set his perpetually present briefcase atop the desk and opened it, taking out... Jars of fruit, preserved in water. I quickly caught on, and placed them randomly on the shelves with the slimy things. Next was a food pyramid poster, placed thoughtfully on the wall space behind the desk. Then a planner made especially for keeping track of what he ate for the day was placed on the desk, along with several self-help books. Dad added a book called "Overcoming Voyeurism," to the top of the pile, and Lupin and I were too amused to protest. By the time we were done, the room was filled with healthy non-perishables, encouraging posters, diet books and cookbooks, and... Well... Let me just say that my dad and I think alike. He pasted Professor Snape's face on a picture of a body-builder, blew it up, and stuck it to the ceiling.  
  
"I think it looks magnificent," I commented.  
  
"I don't think he'll appreciate his new ceiling," Professor Lupin chuckled.  
  
"A voyeur like him?" Dad replied. "Ah, he'll love it." I sniggered.  
  
"Alright, let's vamoose before we're caught red-handed. And thanks for all the help." Later that afternoon, while I was in the library, I could have sworn I heard Professor Snape screaming. But then, it was probably just my imagination. However, just to be safe, I decided not to reveal to him that the new look for his office was spawned from my suggestion.  
  
The second task took place on Monday. Since Professor Snape was doing so well with his healthy lifestyle (I congratulated him several times, only to be glared at) Ginny suggested that I congratulate him officially with a special card. So, putting my excellent drawing skills to use (and by excellent, I mean pathetic) I made a card. On the cover was Professor Snape as a pirate captain on the seven seas, with a red parrot on his shoulder. It looked like an eight-year-old drew it, but... We're not all artists, alright? Then on the inside I wrote:  
  
"Congratulations on your excellent progress, Professor! Keep up the good work." Then I signed my name. "P.S. - How'd you like to walk my plank?" I thought it could use a little pirate reference in there. I then mailed the card through owl post.  
  
When Professor Snape received it, he looked extremely angry. At a few words from Professor Lupin, though, he calmed down substantially. However, while I was leaving the Great Hall, he caught up with me and gave me detention for Saturday. As in, Colin's birthday. At eleven. Oh, well. I'll just have to give Colin my special surprise a little earlier than planned.  
  
* ~ March 23 ~ *  
  
Yesterday was horrible. It was certifiably shitty. The actual day wasn't so bad, because all of us SSS members and Denis celebrated Colin's birthday together. It really all started at night, when I had my alone time with the birthday boy. First, we met in an empty classroom where I gave him a very special gift. He looked just like a kid at Christmas when he was opening it.  
  
"Happy birthday!" Colin raised his eyebrows at his present.  
  
"...Er... What... Is it?"  
  
"It's a butt plug!" His mouth fell open.  
  
"...Why?"  
  
"Just to wear around... You know, to feel pretty."  
  
"Right."  
  
"I have another present for you," I added slyly.  
  
"Er... What?"  
  
"A trip to the prefects' bathroom." He turned red and gulped.  
  
"A-alright." So, I led him to the prefects' bathroom, where I promptly turned over that blasted mermaid portrait and started filling the bath. Colin was looking very excited.  
  
"Oh, don't you look cute? Come here." I pulled him towards me and gave him a big wet one. Then, you know, there was snogging and so on. And then the tub was full. Here was the part where I had to be brave. Strong thoughts. I took my shirt off, and Colin looked ready to cream his pants, he was so anxious. Then... The bra.  
  
Colin blinked, staring down at... you know... me. "Er."  
  
"What?" I looked down. "Lumps? Pimples? Inappropriate hair?"  
  
"No... It's just..." I waited. "...They always seemed... Larger."  
  
"...What?"  
  
"Do you stuff your bra or something?" Needless to say, I got my bra and shirt back on, and Colin got a lovely imprint of my hand on his cheek for his troubles.  
  
And, of course, I had to go to detention before I'd had much of a chance to cool down. Detention with Professor Snape. While I was PMSing. That meant, naturally, mulling over my damaged feelings (and pride) while scrubbing cauldrons quite vigorously and feeling extremely bloated. I wouldn't recommend it. "Miss Page!" I flinched. "What do you think you're doing?" I stared at the cauldron, feeling very emotional.  
  
"Scrubbing cauldrons?" And bad about my body.  
  
"It doesn't look that way to me. Stop being lazy and do some real work for once! I can't have you-" he stopped abruptly, presumably because... I was crying. I can't help it! I get really sensitive when I PMS! "...Are you quite alright?" I turned around, only to find that somewhere in between his bitching and the unexpected concern (*cough*forhisjob*cough*) he had walked right up behind me. He looked really tall, from my piteous position on the floor. I sniffed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Professor." I thought that maybe if I apologized right away he'd just leave me alone. No such luck; he knelt down in front of me, scowling.  
  
"Listen up. If this is some sort of attempt at gaining my pity, you'd better just dry those tears because- oof!" I figured being a messy lump of hormones was a good excuse to throw my arms around him and sob noisily into his robes. So I did. And it scores points for making me look like an actual girl. Albeit one with snot running from her nose. "What are you doing? Get off me!" Insensitive bastards, the whole male species.  
  
"P-P-Professor," I sniffed, "a-are my b-boobs too small?" That stunned some silence into him. Serves him right.  
  
"...What?"  
  
"I'm flat chested!" I wailed. "And I'll never find a decent guy! They're all idiot pricks who only care about breasts and a hole to stick their- their- fuck poles in! And I'm craving stuffed grape leaves but the house elves don't know how to make them!"  
  
"I love stuffed grape leaves."  
  
"That's nice!" I was still crying. "What about spanakopita?"  
  
"Yum- wait- why are you crying? Stop. Don't cry. Bad!"  
  
"I-I c-can't help it! And w-what are you, Tarzan? M-me Tarzan, y-you Jane!" Even when breaking down into tears of pure estrogen, I still manage to criticize at every opportunity.  
  
"Er..." He awkwardly patted my back and... Sort of, not-quite-hugged me. Like that "Please stop being an emotional girl" hug that men give when they're trying to get crying girls to leave them alone. "...There... There... Ahem... TenpointsfromRavenclaw... It'll be alright... I suppose... Arhrmhrmdetentionahem. Calm down." What an ass.  
  
"Professor L-Lupin is so much more understanding," I sniffed. "You're a poopyhead."  
  
"...What? Lupin? That's absurd. You're hysterical with grief... ...Over having small breasts, apparently." I let out a little sob. "I'm very understanding."  
  
"You're a... a... non-understanding person!" I was hysterical with grief over having small breasts, just like Professor Snape said.  
  
"More so than Lupin, certainly."  
  
"Nope. Y-You're a-a-a menstruating unicorn!"  
  
"...I see." I had said the first thing to come to mind. I'm sure he thinks it means something insulting, anyway.  
  
"Professor Lupin is so much better than you!" I sniffed, sounding quite grief-ridden. "And gay!"  
  
"...No. I'm not going to be gay just to make a student feel better about her breast size."  
  
"Are you talking to yourself?"  
  
"Shut up. And get up. Wipe your face off. Go get some damned grape leaves. I have work to do." He pushed me away and stood up, making a disgusted face at the sopping state of his robes.  
  
"...You're only being mean to me because I have small breasts." He blinked. "If I were a D cup you'd be so much nicer to me!"  
  
"Only if you also happened to be a completely different person," he muttered, pulling out a handkerchief and trying to wipe the mess off his robes. "And why are you still sitting there?" he snapped irritably. "Go cry to someone who cares." I stared. He'd actually led me to believe that he was going to be nice to me, for once. For him, at least. I thought he was going to... Well, not hurt my feelings, that's for sure!  
  
"Fine. I'll go talk to someone who really has a heart and isn't going to end up old and alone, never to have a single ray of happiness permeate the murky depths of his bitter life, ever." I stood up and wiped my face with my sleeve, gathering my things in silence. I could feel him staring at me.  
  
"...I'm not going to end up alone," I heard him murmur angrily as I headed out.  
  
"Please. Get a clue." I slammed the door. Hah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Professor! Of course, I just had to walk through the halls in the middle of an emotional breakdown afterwards. It's just lucky that Professor Lupin intercepted me before I could run into Filch and get anally raped by his cat or something.  
  
"Nadia? Oh, my... What's the matter?"  
  
"I have tiny boobs and everyone hates me," I grumbled.  
  
"...Come on, I'll fix you some tea." I thought he'd take me to his office, but apparently crying and sniffling constitutes a visit to his private quarters. Where he sat me down at the little table in the kitchen area, draped a blanket around my shoulders, and gave me tea.  
  
"Thanks, Professor," I sighed, gulping down my tea.  
  
"Nadia... I've never been with a woman before. I want you to teach me." He then kissed me passionately and carried me into the bedroom.  
  
Actually, that part didn't really happen. But I can dream. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" He sat down next to me, lending an attentive ear.  
  
"Colin was mean to me, and so was Professor Snape."  
  
"Before or after you started crying?"  
  
"Colin before, Professor Snape after." He nodded.  
  
"I see. Come here." Aww, a cuddly gay man hug! So much better than mean, nasty, sexy Professor Snape's "I hate you and this had better make you go away" hug. I then recounted the tale of how Colin said my boobs were less than satisfactory (and apparently that's all that matters in a relationship) and Professor Snape was mean to me even though I was crying and you're supposed to be nice to very distressed young women such as myself.  
  
"He's a fuck muscle," I concluded.  
  
"That's not very appropriate." He smelled like my dad. It was rather comforting, actually.  
  
"Yet it holds so much truth."  
  
"He was only acting out because you were crying, and he... Is less than properly equipped to deal with strong outbursts of emotion." In other words, he's a fuck muscle.  
  
"Professor, you're so nice to me. I wish I could repay you." He patted my back reassuringly.  
  
"There's no need."  
  
"I could teach you how to please a woman." He very gently guided me back to my seat and pulled his chair around to the other side of the table. "I was kidding."  
  
"...Right. Yes. Well... Ahem." He poured himself some tea. "Do you feel any better, now that you've vented?"  
  
"A little. I could use some stuffed grape leaves, though."  
  
"Alright." To my astonishment, he retrieved some grape leaves from his ice box, and placed them in front of me. "Have as many as you like."  
  
"Where did you get these?"  
  
"A clergyman sent them to me a couple of days ago," he replied, settling back into his seat. "I lived with him for a bit, a while ago."  
  
"Oh, you seduced a priest, huh? You blasphemous vixen, you!" He blushed and choked slightly on his tea.  
  
"No, no! Nothing happened between us, really!"  
  
"...Weirdo." I ate a great many of them. They were, surprisingly, just as good as my mother's stuffed grape leaves.  
  
"Would you like to talk some more?"  
  
"Sure." I had calmed down substantially, and was no longer crying like a little schoolgirl. "Is Professor Snape, by any chance, capable of feeling some sort positive emotion?"  
  
"Not in my presence, I'm afraid."  
  
"Shucks. That's too bad."  
  
"In fact, the only people I've ever seen him be halfway decent to are Albus and..." He trailed off, looking as if he'd just caught himself from letting a secret slip. "...Never mind."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"It's not my place to say."  
  
"Tell me!" I wanted to know. Maybe... Could it be?  
  
"I can't." He sipped his tea. "It's... Not important."  
  
"Is it a woman?" I asked dubiously.  
  
"No." Phew.  
  
"Professor Snape's gay?" Just in case.  
  
"I wish." I stared. "Just kidding."  
  
"Tell me who. I want to know." He shook his head. "Who is it?"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Tell me. Please? Please, please, please, please?"  
  
"Your father."  
  
"Haha. Really, though, who is it?" He only shrugged. "...Is it really my dad?" He sighed. "It is. Are you sure? My dad?"  
  
"Yes." Professor Snape had always seemed to dislike my father. That's awfully strange.  
  
"..."  
  
"He's a very nice person. I'm not surprised that-"  
  
"YOU SEDUCED MY FATHER, DIDN'T YOU!?" He again choked, this time apparently on his own saliva, he was so surprised.  
  
"What?"  
  
"YOU'VE BROKEN UP MY FAMILY! I'M GOING TO LIVE IN A BROKEN HOME!!"  
  
"I- I didn't do anything! Nadia, I- I know that you may think- I mean- just because one person is attracted to another- that is to say-"  
  
"Nah, I'm just kidding." I needed a laugh after such a rough night. Besides, the fact that Professor Lupin had smelled sort of like Dad had given me the idea. "Oh, and that was far too much information, by the way." I heard the word attracted in there...  
  
"Oh." Professor Lupin was going quite red. "I- er- I suppose that... It was... Ahem. You know, that little prank of yours was out of line-"  
  
"Are you using me to get closer to my dad?"  
  
"Excuse me?" This time I meant it; something had just... clicked. "Is this another joke?"  
  
"...Not quite." He'd said attracted.  
  
"I would never do something so unconscionable." I didn't believe him.  
  
"...If you say so." It made perfect sense, now. Though, I don't see why Professor Lupin would even hope to have a chance, chasing after a married, straight man. Albeit a very strange and unpredictable one. Though, maybe it was something along the lines of what I'm doing to Professor Snape.  
  
"You don't believe me?"  
  
"Well... No, not particularly."  
  
"...I suppose I really am a bad liar, then." He sipped his tea.  
  
"You're gross."  
  
"...You never seemed to have a problem with it before."  
  
"But it's my dad!" I wailed piteously. "Why does everyone want to boff him!?"  
  
"Erm... He's sexy?"  
  
"AUGH!" Charlie Brown impression. "And since when is it okay for teachers to tell their students that their parental figures are sexy!?"  
  
"I thought we had a special bond going," he replied calmly, refilling his teacup. "Don't you agree?" I thought for a moment.  
  
"Yes, but isn't it based on the fact that you apparently want to make mad passionate love to my married, deeply in love with my mother, father? I mean, isn't that sort of... Shallow and fake?" He grimaced a bit at the "deeply in love with my mother" part.  
  
"I... Well, I've come to regard you as a strange, young, horny, delusional friend. As unlikely as that sounds."  
  
"Hold it- delusional?" He shrugged.  
  
"It seemed pretty on to me."  
  
"...Yeah, I guess that's a good word for it." I found myself bestowed once again with the ability to smile. "Thanks for cheering me up, Professor."  
  
"It was no trouble at all."  
  
"Oh, and if you simply must pull a Ginny on me and lust after my father... Could you please just... Not get me involved? At all?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Hey, sexy, how's- what are you doing here?" Draco was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, looking bitchy.  
  
"I'm depressed because my boyfriend's a jerk and I have small boobs," I replied. "Grape leaf?"  
  
"Those things are gross."  
  
"BLASPHEMY!"  
  
"Right." Draco sauntered up to the table and looked directly at my chest. "What is your bra size, anyway?"  
  
"Thirty-four A." He gave my breasts a very scrutinizing look.  
  
"They're not so small. Just right, I think. If they're too big, then they're all floppy and flabby. Yours are very perky."  
  
"Thanks, Draco."  
  
"Don't mention it, bike dyke."  
  
"Tea?" Professor Lupin offered as Draco sat down. He let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"What is it with you and tea? Don't you ever drink anything else?"  
  
"I like milk." Draco just glared at him.  
  
"Someone's in a bad mood," I commented.  
  
"That's because I was planning on getting some today, but you've ruined it. You always ruin my sexy moods!"  
  
"...Your 'sexy moods?'" He crossed his arms and pouted.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Draco." Professor Lupin was suddenly looking rather pensive, and slightly mischievous. "What do you think of Nathanyel Page?" Draco grinned.  
  
"I'd jump his bones any time." Oh, gross.  
  
"You're disgusting." Draco rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, come on. Just face it- you have a sexy father. It's something I've had to live with, you know." I stared at him.  
  
"Did you just call your father sexy?"  
  
"Yes." He shrugged. "He's dead, anyway. There's no use in denying it. We have sexy fathers. It runs in the family." Alright, now I know Draco's off his rocker.  
  
"...What family?"  
  
"Our family. You know, the Malfoys."  
  
"I don't think she did know," Lupin informed him.  
  
"Oh. Well. Congratulations, you've got a second cousin once removed." His sipped his tea as I just stared at him. "I was talking about myself, by the way."  
  
"I know." I kept staring at him. "That's impossible."  
  
"You mean you've never noticed?" He raised his eyebrows. "You have the Malfoy chin."  
  
"I have my father's chin," I corrected him.  
  
"Yes, and your father has the Malfoy chin. His mother was Viole Malfoy, sister of Vitus Malfoy. And Vitus Malfoy just happens to be my grandfather." I stared at him some more.  
  
"We're cousins?"  
  
"Distantly, yes."  
  
"...Eww. You just said you'd do my dad!"  
  
"I know." He finished off his tea. "Can you imagine? He and my father were cousins. It's a small world after all, I suppose."  
  
"Alright. This is something I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing."  
  
"Aren't you flattered to be related to me?" Draco seemed a bit hurt.  
  
"No. But... I suppose it makes sense. That explains why you have the same birth mark as Dad. Though I'd really rather not recount how I came to know that."  
  
"Nor would I."  
  
"I won't ask, then," Professor Lupin replied.  
  
"...I'm really tired." Which I was. "I think I'll just go to bed, now. Thanks for everything, Professor. And thanks, Draco... You're a girl."  
  
"I am not a girl!"  
  
"Alright, goodnight." Off I went to bed. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, and it was long, wonderful, and dreamless. When I woke up today, though, I got to thinking... About how I want to kill Colin. Maybe I can get my dad to do it. But more than that, I was thinking of what Professor Lupin had said about Professor Snape. That he's not used to emotional outbursts. I can understand that. Maybe he was also angry because I'd said Professor Lupin was better than him. Seeing as he seems to hate Lupin, that's understandable. After much consideration, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to apologize. Goodness, how painful.  
  
Upon getting up, I realized that it was half past one. Which meant that I'd missed both breakfast and lunch, but I know where the kitchens are, so no big deal. Anyway, I decided to go see if Professor Snape was in his office right away, and so started on my way down. However, there was a small delay.  
  
"Nadia!" Colin dies. "Nadia!" I ignored him, as is proper. "I'm sorry!" No he isn't. "I'M SORRY!" With an exasperated sigh, I turned around and glared at him.  
  
"If you're so fucking sorry, then why don't you write an apology and stuff it in my bra!?" I left him there with his mouth hanging open. Stupid fish boy.  
  
Alright, blew off Colin. Next step: apologize to Professor Snape. I found him in his office, and did my best to look innocent and pathetic. "Professor?"  
  
"I'm busy," he snapped. I thought that getting straight to the point would be the best option at the moment.  
  
"Professor, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know my comparison of you to Professor Lupin hurt your feelings, and I shouldn't have said anything. The truth is..." I love you. "I like you better, anyway." He glared at me.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"...What are you doing?"  
  
"Reading mail. Now get out of here."  
  
"I could help."  
  
"No."  
  
"Alright." I turned and started to go.  
  
"Miss Page." I suppressed my excitement at the fact that he was calling me back as I turned back around. "...Apology accepted."  
  
"Sir, I-"  
  
"Didn't I tell you to go?"  
  
"Alright, I'm going." I paused at the door, though. "Professor, I just wanted to say that... I don't just like you for your delicious body. I think you're a really good person. When you're not being an asshole, that is." Then I scampered away. After that, I grabbed some grub from the kitchens, studied in my dorm all day, and did my best to avoid all human life forms. I was still a little sore about last night.  
  
Then came the crappy part of today. I was starting to worry about Professor Snape's diet and exercise, being the paranoid idiot that I am, and so resolved to pop into his office again to check on him. After an uneventful walk, I found his office not only unlocked, but deserted. With a pensieve out in plain sight. I suddenly found myself, for some odd reason, standing in front of it. There was something going on inside there. And I wanted to know what it was. But I knew it would be a horrible invasion of privacy and the worst thing I could possibly do after getting on Professor Snape's nerves so much... But... It was there. Taunting me. Tempting me. Giving me a belly dance.  
  
I'm really not the type to look into pensieves. Honestly. But, as a compulsive eavesdropper, I just couldn't help myself.  
  
"What the fuck is this!?" That was teen version of Professor Snape talking to... Teen version of Dad. It looked like they were in a Slytherin dormitory, potions ingredients and old books scattered about on the floor.  
  
"It's an order for dragon tongue flakes and salamander's flame."  
  
"That combination is fatal, you know!"  
  
"Yes, I do. Thanks." Dad shuffled through a thick ledger, sucking on the tip of his quill. "And you're not meeting your weekly quota, Sev. You'd better pick up the pace, or we'll start losing profits."  
  
"Excuse me!?" Some things never change. "I have N.E.W.T.s to study for!"  
  
"Your point?" Snape growled angrily. "Come on, you know you could get full marks no problem. You can't just peter out like this! We're in debt!"  
  
"WHAT!?" Snape lunged at him and grabbed him by the collar. "What do you mean in debt!?"  
  
"I mean IN DEBT! Remember the loans from Lucius? The cut we owe Olivia?" He mouthed wordlessly at Dad, going red. "And losing our best customer is not going to help us out at all-"  
  
"Wait- Lupin? What do you mean? Don't tell me he's getting clean?" ...Suddenly this didn't seem like a very good memory to be looking in on.  
  
"Have you seen him, Sev?" Dad asked incredulously, dropping his quill.  
  
"He's a werewolf. He can handle a little abuse."  
  
"He collapsed at breakfast!"  
  
"That was funny, wasn't it?"  
  
"NO!" Dad sighed. "But you know- I can't just keep giving him that stuff. It'll kill him."  
  
"You never seemed concerned about that before. And it's not like we're giving it away- he pays." Dad glared at him. "And you can't just refuse to sell to him."  
  
"That's true. Which is why you're going to water down the next batch." Snape blinked.  
  
"What? Water it down? I can't just butcher my work like that!"  
  
"Do it! I will not argue about this!" He picked up his quill again and scribbled something in the ledger.  
  
"You can't just ween the mangy wolf off it. He'll go into withdrawal."  
  
"So he'll go to the hospital wing."  
  
"You shouldn't be so nice to him," Snape grumbled. "He'll start- you know."  
  
"No, I don't know."  
  
"You know he's a poof. He'll... Well, you know! It's bad enough that he's practically panting every time you walk in the room-"  
  
"That's not true. You're just imagining it." That was a rather disturbing thing to hear. It sounded like Professor Lupin had wanted my dad in bed for some time. "Anyway, I'll need some more angel dust for the Ravenclaws by Tuesday."  
  
"Only if you check on the marijuana plants in the greenhouse for me."  
  
"Alright, but you have to dry it out."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"MISS PAGE!!!" I jumped at the roar, flushing with guilt as Professor Snape prowled towards me. "WHAT ARE YOU-"  
  
"Ooh, does Sexy Sevvie have the hots for Ickle Livvy?" floated up from the pensieve. Professor Snape turned even more red.  
  
"Er... Sir... You were a drug dealer?" Now purple. "...With my dad?" Now... greenish grey, I'd say. "And Professor Lupin was a junkie?" That was the hardest part to believe. "With the hots for my dad?" And that part was pretty easy to believe. Though gross.  
  
"You- will- never- speak of this- to anyone- ever- GO!" I started to go, but then I stopped.  
  
"I... I think I have a right to know about-"  
  
"GET OUT!! NOW!!!" I jumped a bit, then ran out. After that, it was back to the dorm for me, to think. And... Dad. Sold drugs. In school. This school. I... Well, I'd never thought he would do anything so... Bad. So, I vented my feelings in a thoughtfully angry letter to Dad. Then I sent it. We'll just see.  
  
* ~ March 29 ~ *  
  
Dad replied to my letter. And basically suggested that he would never discuss the matter with me, ever by making it clear that he had received my letter, while at the same time conveniently omitting anything I'd mentioned or asked. That left two sources: Professor Snape and Professor Lupin. Naturally, I asked the most reliable source: Snape.  
  
I hadn't gotten any tasks (since I'm still angry at Colin and on thin ice with Snape) so... I had to find Professor Snape in his office after classes. How fortunate for me that he was in an extremely sour mood. "Professor Snape, I need to talk to you."  
  
"Leave this office now, or I will report you to the Headmaster." Bluff. I entered the room and closed the door a bit more loudly than necessary. It was time to assert myself.  
  
"I'm not leaving this fucking office." Perhaps the language was a bit strong.  
  
"What did you just say to me?" he asked in his quietly menacing voice, slamming his quill down on his desk.  
  
"I have some questions I need answered. So you'll answer them."  
  
"...Or?"  
  
"Or it's time to become a vegetarian." I crossed my arms, glaring.  
  
"I don't believe you," he finally answered.  
  
"Oh? Would you like to raise the stakes to vegan?" He returned my glare. There was a long, tense silence. Finally, he spoke.  
  
"...If I tell you everything you want to know about your father, you have to leave me alone for good." It was time to haggle.  
  
"A week."  
  
"Six months."  
  
"A week and a half."  
  
"Three months."  
  
"A week and three quarters."  
  
"Two months."  
  
"Two weeks."  
  
"Six weeks."  
  
"Three weeks."  
  
"Five weeks."  
  
"A month, and no longer!" He glared at me.  
  
"Fine," he sighed, shaking my hand. "A month." Damn, I drive a hard bargain.  
  
"Tell me about the drugs."  
  
"Oh, no." He leaned forward and put his head in his hands.  
  
"I want to know. You shook on it!"  
  
"You should be asking your father."  
  
"He won't answer my questions." Professor Snape ran his finger over his lips, staring at his desk, then let out a long sigh.  
  
"Alright. Fine. It was... Well, we had... A business. Er... More like a monopoly, really."  
  
"Drug lords?"  
  
"You might say that."  
  
"Why did you do it with Dad? Whose idea was it?" He looked as if he was in pain.  
  
"We were friends. He convinced me to help him with... A project. Painkillers for Lupin. Eventually... There was more demand. So we supplied."  
  
"And you didn't get caught?"  
  
"No. People knew... They just... Didn't do anything about it. We stopped after I left school, anyway." He looked very uncomfortable with the subject.  
  
"Why didn't anyone do anything?" I asked. I had a feeling that there was a little something more to it.  
  
"People... They were afraid of him."  
  
"You mean... My dad?" He nodded. "Why?"  
  
"I shouldn't tell you. I've said enough already."  
  
"Tell me, or the deal's off."  
  
"...Well... Nathanyel is a complicated person. People didn't much like him, they teased him, tormented him... Sometimes people ended up transferring out."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"In a coffin."  
  
"I... I... What!?"  
  
"You asked!" he replied angrily. "You wanted to know! You just needed to stick your nose in!"  
  
"But- but why?"  
  
"They were all accidents! And don't ask me how." I stared at him. "I don't know what happened. He was only thirteen, anyway. He said he blacked out, and when he woke up... Well, I'm sure you can guess."  
  
"...So. My father was a drug dealer and a murderer." I was starting to develop a tick. "Anything else to add to the list?"  
  
"Embezzler, con-man, thief. The usual." There was definitely a tick in my cheek. "He's made himself into a very rich man."  
  
"What, by stealing?"  
  
"Basically. He's a real Renaissance man, you see. He embezzles from the Ministry of Magic, dabbles in investments, and is a very large fan of fine print. He doesn't want publicity, so rather than keeping all his money in one large account, he has many smaller joint-accounts. Of course, he makes a much larger profit than the other account-holder. There must be hundreds of Gringotts vaults with his name on them. And of course, there's his inheritance that he was never supposed to get. All he had to do was pull the right strings, find the right loopholes, and all that's left is to get you married off and the money's all his." He looked as if he was enjoying telling me all this. "I suppose that's why he's so supportive of your so-called 'love life.'"  
  
"This is beyond comprehension."  
  
"I know. Crazy, isn't it?" He grinned rather unpleasantly.  
  
"...You're mocking me."  
  
"Indeed I am."  
  
"I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY FATHER HAS NO CONSCIENCE AND YOU'RE MOCKING ME!?!?"  
  
"That seems about right." He was enjoying it! He was actually enjoying it!  
  
"Alright," I answered through clenched teeth. "Then answer this. What does my father love more: his 'work,' or his family?" I thought that should ruin his mood. I know my dad's a family man, above all else. There's no way I'm wrong about that.  
  
"Hmph. Fine. He loves you more than anything, all that other sentimental crap, alright?" He seemed rather sour about that. Sadist. "Get out of my sight."  
  
"You know, you've been crueler than usual, lately. What's your problem?"  
  
"I have no problem!! Get out!!"  
  
"I just wanted to know! You have some serious intimacy issues, you know that? You need a psychologist! Either that, or to get laid."  
  
"We have a deal! Now, go!" So, I went. Hmph. Fine. He can go... Fuck a donkey, for all I care. And so can my dad. He's worse than... Than... Lucius Malfoy!  
  
...Alright, not that bad. Still, though... Why is everyone being so... So stupid? I'm so traumatized, now. And I feel like such an idiot. I should have seen all of this coming. I'll just have to... Nap on it. Naps solve everything. Naps and comfort food and sensitive gay guys who give good advice. But naps are always first.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Just in case anyone was wondering, everything Sev said about Nathanyel is true. Anyway, here's the credits: the exercise calendar and meal plan were courtesy of charmed88. The idea about using old children's show references as sexual innuendos belongs to Rosy the Cat. Finally, the redecoration of the office was donated by Me the Charmer, who also inspired the pirate card. Aren't they great? The phrase "Stomy Doc Martens," meanwhile, is copyright of Mimi Smartypants. Note: Spanakoptia is Greek spinach pie. It's very yummy.  
  
And sorry for making Sev ooc in the Hogsmeade part, but I needed him to have a peaceful moment with Nadia. Just a little bit. I made up for it with the super-bitch moments, right? Anyway, next chapter: Easter arrives, some relationships are ended, and Nadia accidentally switches an essay with something much more naughty. There you go! 


	12. Clean Break

Here it is, Chapter 12. Hooray! I'm on a roll. In this chapter, Colin hits the road, there's some poking fun at slash, Nadia's one month break period ends, and Nathanyel makes another appearance. I hope you enjoy it, and forgive my spelling mistakes. Huzzah.  
  
Disclaimer: GIVE ME A KEG OF BEER. And these.  
  
~ ~  
  
Chapter 12: Clean Break  
  
* ~ April 3 ~ *  
  
I think I started this week off pretty well. After I'd made it clear to Colin that I was extremely angry at him, I didn't see him all weekend, so I had plenty of time to evaluate our relationship. This was a good thing, because it took my mind off the fact that my father is a bastard. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I didn't even really fancy Colin anymore, and I'd rather not date him. So, when Monday rolled around, I was ready to throw him to the lions. I was kind of nervous about approaching him, but that problem was fixed when he stopped me after classes while I was on my way to the library.  
  
"Nadia, we need to talk."  
  
"Yeah... I'm dumping you."  
  
"...What?" I had wanted to be sensitive about it... So I had to save myself from that blurt.  
  
"Listen, Colin. I don't think this is working out. I mean... You're jealous all the time, and I just feel like... I don't know... Like we're constantly playing some kind of twisted game. I think we're better off as just friends."  
  
"I... But... I don't... I apologized!"  
  
"It's not just about that, as I pointed out. I'm sorry, but... I just don't want to be together. I hope you don't stay angry at me, because I'd like to be friends."  
  
"Well... I... Fine. I see. I'll just... Go think. See you around."  
  
"Yeah. See you later." Huh. He'd taken that remarkably well. Maybe he was just very bitter. Or he'd realized that I wasn't really worth his time. I wouldn't blame him for either; I'm a real bitch.  
  
Since I suddenly wasn't in the mood for the library anymore, and found myself with some free time, I made my way to the most obvious place for me to go: the kitchens. I simply... grabbed some delicious, wonderful food and went out to the courtyard to chow down. Yum, spanakopita.  
  
"Is that... Oh." I looked up to see Professor Snape, wearing his usual scowl.  
  
"If you sit and act melancholy with me, I'll share," I bribed. He looked pensive for a moment, then sat down. I handed him half of my spanakopita, but he hesitated.  
  
"Are you sure I'm allowed to eat this?" Yay! He's paying attention to his diet!  
  
"Yes. Most Mediterranean foods are good."  
  
"Oh, thank God."  
  
"Seriously, I'd die without this stuff." Long silence. We just sat and ate... and acted melancholy. "I like this," I finally commented.  
  
"Silence is good," he agreed. Then there was more of it. "Miss Page."  
  
"Fwa?" My mouth was full.  
  
"I..." he mumbled something incoherent. I stared at him a bit, trying to decide what it might have meant.  
  
"Apology accepted." He nodded. Hey, I'd had a feeling.  
  
"And... Your father?"  
  
"I'm not speaking to him."  
  
"Ah. I see."  
  
"Yes." We both let out a long sigh. At the same time. Which was spooky, and I could tell that Professor Snape was of the same opinion. "You're being nicer to me than usual. Why?"  
  
"It's the food. It's the best thing I've eaten in months." He looked longingly at the last piece.  
  
"Fine." I handed it over. "You know, the house elves make it if you ask them to. Nicely."  
  
"Not the last time I checked."  
  
"I gave them a recipe. I was fed up with their weak excuses." I looked down at my concealed bundle of food. "...Do you like pepperoncini?"  
  
We sat and ate like that, not really talking. I think he did it mostly because of the food, and a little bit out of guilt. Plus, no one else was around to see him in my presence. It was really rather pleasant. I hadn't thought Professor Snape would do pleasant, but I guess these past weeks have just been full of surprises. After about half an hour he got up to leave, and I resisted the urge to throw myself at him. "I have papers to grade," he said, smoothing out his robes.  
  
"I'll see you later, then, Professor," I replied casually. He eyed me warily for a moment, then walked off. Damn, it's hard to leave him alone when he's got a body like that. And when he's being almost nice to me. And especially when April Fools' had come and gone. I didn't do anything. Oh well.  
  
Eventually, I decided to do something completely discreet for him on Easter. I guess that means I forgive him for being so mean. Anyway, I've got to go think of something that doesn't violate our agreement.  
  
* ~ April 7 ~ *  
  
Today was Easter. I woke up this morning feeling rather dazed, which is normal for me, so I wasn't worried. Yawning, I turned over to see a carton marked "Easter eggs" and a coloring kit, along with a basket full to bursting with candy. I got the feeling that Dad was sucking up to me in order to get back on my good side. What a dirty trick. I guess I really do take after him.  
  
After I'd properly woken myself up and gotten dressed, I inspected my deliveries. There was a letter to go along with them, and I debated with myself over whether to open it or throw it out. I concluded that since there would probably be a message from Mum contained within, I should open it. Ugh. So, I opened it. Ugh again. I really don't like associating with people I'm currently angry at.  
  
Reading the letter was... Surprising, to say the least. The first part was from Mum, and contained her typical ramblings. The second part was from Dad, and contained not only an explanation of his school day exploits, but pictures as well. My goodness. So, I looked at the photographs.  
  
The first was a picture of Dad and Professor Snape, both teenagers, sitting among a pile of galleons. Yow. That was a lot of money. Then there was one of Professor Lupin, looking around the same age, only very gaunt and tired; his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Then, a photo of Professor Snape, standing in a field of sunflowers. Suddenly, I remembered the sunflower I'd seen on his desk during one of my detentions. It must have been from Dad, then. Well, there's one mystery solved.  
  
There was also a clipping from the Daily Prophet. The headline read: "Hogwarts Student Murders Classmates: He's a Monster, Say Victims' Parents." Oh, shit. Three dead; two were seventeen, one eighteen. An entire corridor in the dungeons was torn up. Damn. That's an awful lot of damage to do when you're blacked out. But... How? It certainly wasn't explained in the letter or the article.  
  
Speaking of the letter, there was one section that I particularly liked, in which Dad apologized for keeping things from me, and proceeded to beg for forgiveness. Well, it serves him right. I hate it when he doesn't tell me things, and it's a habit he's had for years. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me.  
  
Anyway, I finished the letter... And it explained a lot. And Dad did seem sorry. Though, I'd prefer an apology in person. I'll just wait for Dad to get on the ball. In the meantime, I wrote back to Mum and thanked her for sending her stuffed grape leaf recipe, which I had requested earlier; I've been meaning to teach it to the house elves.  
  
It was another half hour before Luna woke up, and after she was ready for breakfast we grabbed the eggs and the coloring kit and went off to the Great Hall. Once there, we sat with Ginny and Colin and colored eggs. Colin was still a little sore about the break up, but he was alright. A little. So, he glared at me a lot. Big deal. Besides, it was fun writing secret messages on the eggs and watching them turn up with the color. For instance, I wrote my Dad's name on one and dyed it pink. Then I smashed it flat and ate the remnants of its carcass. Ginny suggested that I was harboring hostility or something like that, but I think she was just imagining things.  
  
After that, we just hung out on the grounds, seeing as it was such a beautiful day. I was planning to give my special surprise to Professor Snape in the evening, at a time when no one would SLEEP ALONE. However, to complete my momentous task, I would have to start very early. So, around lunch time, I bid farewell to my comrades and made my way to the kitchens. The house elves molested me with food, but then once I'd listed the ingredients needed for the grape leaves, they all scattered to complete their search. Phew. It wasn't long before they were done, though.  
  
It was time to get to work. It's like Mum says: the most important ingredient is luuuurve. Or love. You know. Anyway, it took me forfrigginever to finish the stuffed grape leaves, but once they had been completed... Well, it was worth it. Especially since there was an abundant amount left over for me. I wrote a little note that said "Don't eat them all at once," signed my name, and handed it over to the house elves along with the grape leaves and instructions to deliver it to Professor Snape's private quarters. They seemed unsure, so I threatened them a little bit. Then, it was time for dinner.  
  
I smiled at him during the meal, but he only looked at me like I was crazy and continued his meal. Yum, roast leg of lamb with mashed potatoes, gravy, roasted onions, and ice cold milk. I love food.  
  
* ~ April 10 ~*  
  
Professor Snape had received my gift. I know, because I just happened to accidentally on purpose bump into him yesterday. It was while I was eating some left over Easter eggs (which were dyed green, both inside and out) and estimating my test average in Charms. I was just sitting there, in the courtyard, at the exact same time that Professor Snape takes his daily mandatory walk. Isn't that a coincidence? "I received that package of yours," he informed me as he prowled along, scowling.  
  
"Good afternoon, Professor," I replied idly.  
  
"Miss Page-" He paused, wrinkling his eyebrows in sexy puzzlement. "Are you eating green eggs?"  
  
"Yes." I sighed. "Now, if only I had some ham." He gave me a blank stare. "...Right. Just go about your business."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw. I'll not take your sass."  
  
"Sass? What are you, seventy?"  
  
"We had an agreement, Miss Page," he ground out.  
  
"Tsh. Fine, go ahead and stab me in the heart. I only spent thirty- six hours in labor trying to push that big head of yours out my vagina." He scowled at me, then just walked away. "I see how it is!!" I called after him.  
  
"Nadia?" Ginny sat down beside me. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Telling Professor Snape that I gave birth to him. You?"  
  
"Eh, nothing much. But damn, I need some new shoes. Oh, by the way, did you know that my birthday is in two weeks?"  
  
"Way to drop a hint," I replied, popping a green egg into my mouth.  
  
"I wasn't dropping a hint."  
  
"Style and color."  
  
"I have a picture in my dorm, I'll just show you tomorrow."  
  
"You should thank your firm, round ass that I'm such a good friend."  
  
"I will. Anyway, enough come-ons. I've got an idea." I raised an eyebrow, making it rather apparent that I was intrigued. "It's about the love letters." Ah, yes, the love letters. I've been sending them regularly every since we started that task. "I think you should start making them more dirty." Oh, I like the way she thinks.  
  
"More dirty?"  
  
"Yes. Say you want to... I don't know... Run your moist fingers along his taut ass globes, or something to that effect. Get all hot and heavy with him." She winked.  
  
"You know, that's a pretty good idea." By then, I was grinning. "In fact, I think I'll get on that right now." So, I did. It sounds a little bit like gay porn (since that's mostly what I write) but I think it's pretty credible. Most of the terms are awfully generic, anyway.  
  
I sent it last night, and it was so funny to watch Professor Snape read it this morning. His face started going extremely red, and then... Oh, this was the best part... Professor Lupin leaned to the side and started reading it over his shoulder. He didn't even notice, either! Well, not at first. When he did, though... Well, let's just say that it'll take a while for Professor Lupin to get all that egg yolk out of his hair. Nothing else terribly momentous happened, so... This entry is through.  
  
* ~ April 19 ~ *  
  
Oh my goodness. The most horridly funny thing imaginable has happened. Not to mention I was actually exposed to some good points of my father, for a change. Though, I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to start from the beginning.  
  
After three days of work, my potions essay was finally completed, and absolutely perfect. I rolled it up and set it on my bedside table, looking forward to getting an excellent grade. Then, I started working on the new underground challenge that had appeared on the Ravenclaw bulletin board. Hmm... Two teachers... That was easy. Professors Snape and Lupin. Involving the giant squid... Well, it would be easy to work the giant squid into a secret rendezvous outside by the lake... Rating? X, of course. I wrote the heading and summary, then began my tale of forbidden love. It took a few hours to finish, but by the end I had several rolls of parchment full of glorious smut. Tired, I set it on my bedside table; it wasn't due for another ten days, so I had plenty of time to proofread it and such. I then drifted into wonderful, beautiful sleep, and when I woke up the next day I hastily grabbed my potions essay from the bedside table and stuffed it in my bag.  
  
That was last week. Today, we were to receive our graded potions essays. I sat in potions, listening intently to the lesson and brewing my potion carefully, eagerly awaiting what I was certain would be my best grade all year. Finally, at the end of class, we were told to clean up, and then we would be given our essays. One by one, Professor Snape called the students up to his desk and handed back their essays along with a scathing comment about its poor quality. However, he concluded this without calling my name. I waited, puzzled, but he merely sat down at his desk, angrily marking off something on his ledger. I was about to raise my hand and ask for my essay when the bell rang, and the students started packing up their things, becoming irritatingly loud. "Miss Page," Professor Snape called over the din, "you are to stay after class." He didn't elaborate. So, I packed up like everyone else, then sat at my desk and waited.  
  
Once everyone else had gone, Professor Snape beckoned me to his desk. Carefully, I approached, wondering what he was looking so angry about. Then, I noticed a roll of parchments that could only be my potions essay. "Is this about my essay, Professor?" I asked nervously, standing before him and grinding my teeth, which I stopped once I realized I was doing it.  
  
"Yes," he hissed, sneering and standing up. It seemed as if he was towering over me, looking very menacing. He gripped my essay tightly, wrinkling the paper. "Tell me, Miss Page," he snarled, "what was going through your twisted excuse for a mind when you decided to write this?" He indicated my essay.  
  
"Er... The positive and negative effects of experimentally modifying a potion recipe?" I guessed. That had been the topic of my essay. A wordless growl escaped the professor's throat.  
  
"Follow me," he snapped, prowling out of the classroom. I quickly grabbed my bag and silently followed. I had no idea what he was so angry about; perhaps I'd forgotten something? Or maybe I'd doodled on the sides without noticing... "Fizzing Whizbees." We had arrived at the headmaster's office; shit. I had no idea what I'd done, but it must have been bad. When we walked into the circular room, Professor Dumbledore wasn't the only one waiting for us. Professors Lupin and Flitwick were also there. Well, I knew Professor Flitwick was there because he was my head of house, but Professor Lupin...  
  
My mind immediately went to the story I had written for the challenge, still laying neatly on my bedside table. I hadn't had any time to proofread it, so I hadn't so much as touched it all week long. But... What if I had switched it with my potions essay? "Now, Miss Page," Professor Snape growled. "You will inform us all of what possessed you to write this unnatural smut!" Damn. I'd switched them. My mouth was suddenly very dry.  
  
"What did she write, Severus?" Professor Flitwick asked, sounding concerned.  
  
"I was wondering that, myself," Professor Lupin cut in. He looked surprised when the story was thrust under his nose. There was silence in the room as he took it from Professor Snape and unrolled it, his eyes scanning over the words... Before he blanched and nearly dropped the paper. "What... Buh... Huh?" Throughout this ordeal, Professor Dumbledore had remained silently amused, but now he spoke up.  
  
"Perhaps you should read it aloud, Remus," he said cheerfully. Professor Lupin turned bright red, then cleared his throat, shakily reading the summary.  
  
"'Professors Snape and Lupin meet on the grounds for some elicit activity and discuss who is a better- a better-'" he paused for a moment, then cleared his throat again. "'...A better topper. Is it Snape, Lupin, or the Giant Squid? Warning: Contains slash. Rating: X.'" He lowered the parchment, looking shocked and embarrassed. Professor Snape looked enraged, Professor Flitwick looked dumbstruck, and Professor Dumbledore looked immensely amused.  
  
"What, exactly, is slash?" Professor Flitwick asked warily.  
  
"Homosexual romance," I replied morosely. I was sure to be expelled.  
  
"She handed that in, in place of a potions essay," Professor Snape informed them, his lips incredibly thin and his hands balled into tight fists.  
  
"It was an accident, really!" I protested. All eyes were on me. "I- I got the parchments mixed up." I hadn't thought it possible, but Professor Snape looked even more angry and disgusted than before.  
  
"So you wrote this for your own sick pleasure?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Now, now, Severus," the headmaster cut in pleasantly. "Let's not make assumptions. I wonder, though, Nadia... Why did you write it?"  
  
"I... I..." It looked as if I had busted the whole ring. I was a dead woman. "You see, there's a... A challenge, if you will, that the Ravenclaws have come up with. You know, to pass the time... And- and improve writing skills. People from the other houses participate, too. You see- you join this sort of... Underground organization, you might call it... Under an assumed name- so people don't know exactly who you are, but you still have an identity to attribute your stories to. You can write according to the challenges, or you can write other things... And, the challenge this month was to write about two teachers, something forbidden, and involve the giant squid. So... That's my submission." I was acutely aware of all the stares- and one glare.  
  
"That is no excuse for writing such disgusting, perverted filth!" Professor Snape spat. I, of course, felt the need to defend my brainchild.  
  
"I'll have you know that half the students in this school would kill to get their hands on that!" More silence. "Professor," I added, as an afterthought. "People like what I write. And it's not against any rules I've heard of." I noticed from the corner of my eye that Professor Lupin was immersed in my story, explaining his continued silence. I suppressed a smile at this.  
  
"Well, it may be a bit... off-color," Professor Flitwick said uncertainly, "but I don't believe there are any rules against it."  
  
"She's just as demented as her father!" Professor Snape snapped back. I certainly didn't appreciate the insult to my father, especially since the professor seemed to remember him in something of a fond way the last time he was discussed. Though it was rather painful for me. "She should be expelled immediately!"  
  
"Now, Severus, that will be entirely up to me!" Professor Flitwick protested. "She hasn't hurt anyone-"  
  
"May I remind you that she nearly killed me with a heart attack!?" he shrilled. Ah, I knew that would come up in the discussion. He looked as if he was going to continue when Dumbledore cleared his throat.  
  
"Severus, we have already established that the incident was an accident," he said calmly.  
  
"She gave me chocolate knickers!"  
  
"Let's try to stay on topic. Now, Nadia... Have you written any other stories?"  
  
"Tons," I replied.  
  
"Tell us about them." I sighed. If Flitwick wasn't planning on expelling me before, he would after he heard this.  
  
"Well, a couple of years ago I wrote a series of stories about Harry Potter-" Professor Snape snorted- "and Draco Malfoy that was very popular. Especially among the female population of Hogwarts." There was silence.  
  
"Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy?" Flitwick asked warily; it seemed as if he found this whole experience rather frightening.  
  
"Yes, together, as in romance." I swear, one could hear crickets chirping in the room. "And then I also wrote about Professors Snape and Lupin in the Forbidden Forest, in the bath, on the Quidditch pitch-" I started ticking the scenarios off on my fingers- "in the potions classroom, in the DADA classroom, in Professor Snape's office, in Professor Lupin's office, in the potions store rooms, in both the Professors' quarters, in the Slytherin common room, in the Shrieking Shack-"  
  
"That's enough!" Professor Snape looked horrified. "Good gods, didn't you write about anything else?"  
  
"Yes," I replied. "For the topic, 'The daily routine of a potions professor' I wrote about you fetching sweets for Professor Dumbledore. You should be grateful, because you wouldn't believe the number of stories involving karaoke, knitting, the color pink, and love hearts that showed up, Professor. It was rather insulting." And then, into the silence...  
  
"How did they know?" No, it wasn't Professor Snape. It was Professor Lupin, imitating Professor Snape. I couldn't hide my laughter, and neither could Dumbledore.  
  
"Shut your mangy snout," Professor Snape growled.  
  
"Now, Severus, let's not get worked up," Dumbledore chided, still chuckling.  
  
"I also wrote some BDSM about Professor Snape and Neville Longbottom," I added. The room was filled with a shocked silence. "And I also wrote about Draco Malfoy and Neville Longbottom. And Draco and Professor Lupin. And Professor Snape and Harry Potter. And-"  
  
"I believe we have enough information," Dumbledore interrupted, holding up his hand.  
  
"We should shut down this whole foul operation," Professor Snape snapped, glaring at me. He seemed utterly disgusted.  
  
"I doubt you could if you tried," I muttered, though I could be heard quite clearly.  
  
"I agree," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "So, I believe we will leave this whole affair alone. I will ask you not to mention this to the students- " he was addressing this to the professors- "and Severus, I'm sure Nadia would be happy to give you her potions essay, and I'm certain you won't take off any points for this whole affair." He growled audibly, then grumbled something and swept out of the office. "If you'll both excuse me, I'd like to have a word with Nadia." The two remaining professors nodded and exited, Professor Lupin still avidly reading my story. Dumbledore offered me a seat and a lemon drop, and I took both. "Nadia, I was wondering... What would one need to do to join this underground circle of writers?" I was momentarily taken aback, but quickly recovered.  
  
"Well, just apply through a form, with your pen name and other information... Would you like me to send you the guidelines, Headmaster?"  
  
"Yes, please," he replied. "And I look forward to reading these stories of yours." That was sort of... Disturbing.  
  
"Er... Thank you."  
  
"You may go, now. I'm sure you have plenty of things to do. Good day."  
  
"Bye..." I walked out of the office, rather surprised. I was even more surprised to find Professor Lupin waiting in the hallway.  
  
"You're a good writer, Nadia," he said, handing me the story. "I thoroughly enjoyed it." This was indeed a strange turn of events, but also rather sexy.  
  
"Thank you, Professor," I replied, using my wand to smooth out the wrinkles Professor Snape had made in the parchment.  
  
"I wonder if I could join this circle you told us about?" Wow, two new members... And they were not only male, but also professors!  
  
"Certainly, Professor. I'll send you the information in the owl post."  
  
"Yes, thank you... And there's something else I would like to speak to you about, if you don't mind joining me in my office." He looked a bit concerned for a moment.  
  
"I don't mind," I replied, happy to be having a chat with my second favorite teacher, and, in my opinion, the sexiest man aside from Severus Snape in all of Hogwarts.  
  
He led me to his office, which was always a rather pleasant place to be, and conjured up some tea and biscuits. "Tea?" I accepted his offer and sipped my tea, patiently waiting to find out what we were supposed to be discussing. "Nadia, is there anything going on? Anything that's causing you any trouble?" Well, that was unexpected.  
  
"No," I answered, surprised. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well," he replied slowly, choosing his words carefully, "while I understand your feelings for Professor Snape, you seem a bit more... Tense around him than usual. You just act as if there's something wrong."  
  
"Well... It's nothing."  
  
"Have you done something to him? He hasn't mentioned you in a while."  
  
"Professor Snape talks about me?" I asked, sounding a little too happy about it, in my opinion. My heart was beating much faster than normal, though, and I was happy.  
  
"Yes," he replied. "I think anyone who has been put through the things you have done to him so far this year would talk about it. I remember one particular evening when he was ranting about how you tripped him down a flight of stairs and stabbed him with a pair of scissors."  
  
"That was an accident!" I protested. "I didn't mean to do that."  
  
"What did you mean to do?" he asked.  
  
"Er... Well, I was trying to cut off a lock of his hair." Professor Lupin's eyebrows flew up and he nearly dropped his cup of tea.  
  
"Well," he spluttered, after regaining his composure, "that- that sounds-"  
  
"Insane," I provided.  
  
"I wouldn't use such a harsh word..." I couldn't help but glare at the professor. "...But yes, insane would be an accurate way to describe it." There was a short silence, during which I wished I had never been born. "Well... As I was saying before... You don't seem yourself lately. Neither does he. Is there anything wrong? Anything I can help you with?" He seemed concerned again.  
  
"Well, there are many things wrong, none of which you can help me with, Professor. Sorry." He frowned a bit. "And, if you must know... Not only am I unbearable angry at my father, but I've also fallen in love with Professor Snape." There was a deafening silence. I know it sounds completely insane, but I had come to the conclusion so gradually that it was rather difficult to identify, at first.  
  
"Nadia," he finally said, gently taking my hand, "perhaps you should... reconsider this evaluation of your feelings."  
  
"...Are you hitting on me?" He quickly dropped my hand, looking taken aback.  
  
"No! No, of course not, I..." He trailed off as he saw me suppressing my laughter. "Right. Nadia, this is a serious matter." I suddenly found it hard to look him in the eye. "I know you may think that you love Professor Snape, but I think you'll find in time that- that- are you alright?" I wasn't alright, but I nodded anyway. I wondered briefly what my face looked like, since I have inappropriate laughter syndrome, (which I made up) but quickly decided that I'd rather not know.  
  
"I really do love him, though," I said quietly. Professor Lupin sighed, shaking his head. "I know it can't just be a silly schoolgirl crush, because... Because I've fancied him for so long. And now... I love him." He chewed his lip thoughtfully. "It's not like I planned it," I muttered.  
  
"Well, perhaps you're going about it the wrong way..." I shook my head. It was time to get this whole thing off my chest; it was time to confess.  
  
"That's not exactly the whole story..." So, I launched into a detailed confession of everything. I told the whole sordid tale, including the events that took place at the Yule Ball and in Hogsmeade... And including the love letters. I think some of the events rather shocked and amused him, because every once in a while he would interrupt me.  
  
"You didn't!" he would exclaim, horrified. Or, maybe something like, "You're kidding, right?" or "Chocolate knickers?" When I finished, he chewed his lip thoughtfully. Sexy man... Not as sexy as Professor Snape, though. Which made me start thinking of Professor Snape and that delicious rear end of his... Mmm... I'd love to have a little of that rump roast. Ahem. Right, on with the story... "Did you just call Severus a rump roast?" ...Oops?  
  
"Well, in any case," I concluded, "I've fallen head over heels." There was silence. I sighed, sensing the professor's discomfort. "Look, if you feel the need to send a letter home- address it to my father. And give the owl specific instructions to give the letter only to my father." He looked inquisitive, so I elaborated. "My mother is a muggle who hates birds. My father, on the other hand, is a bird fanatic." I assumed that Professor Lupin would know what I was talking about, since he seemed to know my father already. His eyes widened a bit, then his expression returned to normal, though his mouth was twitching treacherously.  
  
"Oh. That brings back a lot of memories." He looked as if he was enjoying those memories. "You know, you take after him, a bit."  
  
"I've always thought of myself as more... normal than him."  
  
"Yes," he agreed. "And I'm sure you know better than anyone how... Different Nathanyel can be." I nodded. He brought his hand up to his forehead and rubbed it. "You know, I'm seeing more and more of him in you as time goes by." I could feel my eyebrows raising at the statement.  
  
"You mean I'm acting more like him?" Professor Lupin nodded. "...Tell me about him."  
  
"Nathanyel once clipped a piece of Severus' hair, too." I blinked, very confused. Though, I was kind of glad to be hearing a zany story of my father's past, rather than a traumatizing one. "He did it for a polyjuice potion. I was in my fifth year at the time, he in his fourth. He somehow managed to subdue Severus and get him out of the way, then spend an entire day masquerading as him. It was... interesting, to say the least." I couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter. "That day, we had double potions with Slytherin. I knew there was something amiss when Severus dropped some filibuster's fireworks down James' pants and asked us why Gryffindors seemed to have nifflers stuck up their arses when Slytherins were around. And, of course, when he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a box of sweets, asking me to be his Valentine, despite the fact that it was January." I had to laugh at that. "And when he started a snowball fight with a bunch of second year Hufflepuffs, and built a snowman version of Albus, then charmed it to sing the school song." My father really had gotten up to a lot of trouble passing himself off as Professor Snape, hadn't he?  
  
"Why did he do it?" I asked.  
  
"I asked him that myself, after I found out." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "He said that Severus needed to lighten up a bit, and have a little fun. He thought that if he set an example, Severus might follow it. When I asked him about the sweets and the Valentine, he told me that he thought Severus and I should be... friends, since we looked as darling together as a green and yellow fwooper in mid-March." I couldn't help it; I had to ask the question that was burning on my mind.  
  
"When he asked you to be his Valentine, what did you say?" He blinked a bit, then chuckled softly.  
  
"Well, if you must know... I said yes." Oh... I'd always found the thought of Professors Lupin and Snape together simply delicious, though I had always considered it to be far from reality. "You could imagine how angry and embarrassed Severus was to find out about the whole situation." I blinked a bit. "He always was straight as a pole."  
  
"Oh... I see..."  
  
"That was the first time I'd ever... Well. You wouldn't want to hear that."  
  
"When you started to fancy my dad?" I suggested. Blushing a bit, he nodded. "Well, that's made me feel a bit better, though I'm still angry at him."  
  
"Nathanyel's a good man," Professor Lupin said in a soothing voice, "even if he is extremely strange. It was his idea to continue development on the Wolfsbane potion after the Ministry of Magic dropped the project. He actually convinced Severus to do the experiments." For some reason, any mention of wolfsbane always reminded me of the muggle film "Teen Wolf." I have no idea why.  
  
"Speaking of Professor Snape, didn't you say a while ago that he's been with a man?" Professor Lupin coughed quite loudly and turned red.  
  
"Er... I suppose I may have."  
  
"Then... Why was he so disgusted by my story?"  
  
"I think it was more the fact that you paired him off with me." I tilted my head a bit.  
  
"Why? Were you the mystery man?" He turned a bit redder.  
  
"No! No, of course not."  
  
"But I'll bet you wanted to be, eh?" He needs to start wearing concealer with the amount of blushing he does.  
  
"Why don't we move on to another topic?"  
  
"Alright. That reminds me, how's the sex with Draco?"  
  
"Fine. Though, if you'd like to discuss something else..." He had this "hint, hint" look on his face that I simply could not ignore.  
  
"What does a rim job feel like?"  
  
"I meant something other than sex."  
  
"Well, you need to specify. Anyway, what do you think of the global warming issue and how much is it affecting the coral reefs of the south pacific?"  
  
"...I... I got new trousers," he offered hopefully.  
  
"Oh. What color?"  
  
"Blue."  
  
"Blue is most definitely your color."  
  
"Yes." There was a long period of silence, during which I coughed. Once. "Alright, we can talk about sex."  
  
"Yay! So, what's your favorite position?"  
  
"I didn't think you'd be so specific."  
  
"Well, I am a writer. I need details." He raised his eyebrows. "Please? For the fans?"  
  
I didn't get his favorite position out of him, but I managed to squeeze out a lot of other information. For instance, he and Draco have done it on the kitchen table, and there are several sounds made between the two of them that aren't replicated anywhere else. It's still kind of weird that I'm related to Draco, but it's distant enough that I don't mind so much. So... My butt is falling asleep. And soon I will be, too.  
  
* ~ April 27 ~ *  
  
Well, there are one or two things to report. Most of them occurred in the last few days. First off, Ginny's birthday was a couple of days ago, so that was fun. I had gotten her the boots she wanted (which were pretty damn cheap, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered) and all was well. We had cake, we had fun, we stuck our fingers up our butts. Now I just have to worry about Luna's birthday, since my mother's isn't until September, Uncle Kristo's isn't until late July, and Dad's is in a little less than a month, but I'm still angry at him so I might not get him anything at all. I know too many people.  
  
Then, Professor Snape and I had another close encounter the other day. I saw him taking a walk on the grounds, so I decided to join him. I wouldn't bother him, I'd just walk along near him. After a few minutes of this, he turned around and glared at me, but said nothing. After a few more minutes, he decided to speak up. "I thought we had an agreement."  
  
"I'm not bothering you," I argued. "You're not the only person around here who takes walks."  
  
"Go walk somewhere else," he grumbled.  
  
"Oh, honestly. Is this your land? Are you a vassal or a lord? Is this your castle? No. Why don't you walk somewhere else?"  
  
"Fine." So, he went to walk somewhere else. Wow. I didn't think he'd actually give in and leave. Oh well. It's nothing big, but I think it means that Professor Snape is slowly losing the strength to resist me. Then there's my other thing to report.  
  
It was last night, when I was planning on having a little study pow- wow with Professor Lupin, since the N.E.W.T.s are drawing oh-so-near. I knocked on the door to his office, but there was no answer. I tried a few more times, only to again be greeted by silence. So, concerned as I was, I opened the door, surprised to find it unlocked, and puzzled to find the office empty. So, since I'd long since memorized the location of his private quarters, I hurried off to check on him like the concerned citizen I was.  
  
Rather timidly, for me at least, I knocked on Professor Lupin's door. "Come in!" came the muffled reply. So, I entered. Professor Lupin was sitting at the little round table in the kitchenette and staring morosely at a cup of tea. He looked very tired.  
  
"Hey, Professor." He offered me a half-hearted smile.  
  
"Hello, Nadia. Oh, my. I'm sorry I wasn't at my office." I approached slowly, so as not to seem rude.  
  
"That's alright. Is there something wrong?"  
  
"Nothing." I'm sure I looked very skeptical. "Draco left me, is all."  
  
"Why?" I blurted out. Dammit, that was insensitive.  
  
"Found someone else, so... That's it." He sipped his tea.  
  
"Well... I mean... It was just physical. He didn't have to leave."  
  
"I asked him to." He sipped his tea again.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It was... More the person he was seeing, really... Someone I used to..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "I shouldn't be talking to you about this. I apologize."  
  
"It's not necessary, really," I tried to assure him. With a sigh, he stood up and smoothed out some of the wrinkles in his robes.  
  
"Would you like some tea?" He just looked so... So lonely.  
  
"Oh, Professor." So I hugged him.  
  
"Nadia... I need you to make love to me." I made that line up, actually. Sorry for that. He really said, "I hate to be such a bother." This is a man with serious self-esteem issues, mon capitaine.  
  
"You're not a bother, Professor. I think you're a lovely friend."  
  
"You would."  
  
"Hey, I've got an idea." He looked apprehensive. "Let's turn on the wireless and empty out the ice box."  
  
"You don't have to try and cheer me up, really."  
  
"Would you rather sit here and ferment all by yourself?"  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
"Then let's break out the good silverware and eat things straight from the carton."  
  
"Are you sure? I have serving dishes-"  
  
"I won't take no for an answer!"  
  
"If you insist." So, I put on the wireless station with the most volatile music I could find, helped Professor Lupin gather supplies, and sat him down on the sofa for an old fashioned pity-fest. Within an hour and a half, we'd managed to go through a gallon of ice cream, an entire chocolate cake, and five failed relationships. I'd really had no idea that Professor Lupin could eat like that (or that he'd dated Percy Weasley, for that matter) but he seemed to feel a bit better. "I'm so bloated." See?  
  
"Well, I was bloated in the first place, so I'm used to it. You know, that time of the month."  
  
"Hm, yes."  
  
"And for some reason, I always seem to get hornier than usual around that time."  
  
"Me too." Awkward silence. And then I laughed at him. You know, I'd heard comparisons of lycanthropy to menstruation, but never from an actual werewolf. "It is rather absurd, isn't it?"  
  
"I've heard worse," I replied, once I'd calmed down. "Oi, I'm starting to feel sick."  
  
"I have a potion."  
  
"No thanks. I shouldn't put anything else in my body, anyway." I paused a moment. "Except maybe a prick."  
  
"I saw that coming."  
  
"I know. I'm getting too predictable." Short silence. "Let's do makeovers."  
  
"Not a chance."  
  
"I like it when we bond like this. It makes me feel special on the inside parts."  
  
"Yes." Pensive silence. I hate all those quiet periods. "I should tell you something."  
  
"It's alright, I already know you're a dirty pervert."  
  
"Ah. There you are, then." I could tell there was something else. But, as usual, Professor Snape had to come and ruin everything.  
  
"Lupin! Open the damn door!" Grrrr, shit!!! I wanted some gossip material!  
  
"One moment." Professor Lupin let out a long sigh as he shuffled over to the door and opened it. I took the opportunity to take complete control of the sofa. Besides, I needed to lay down, anyway.  
  
"I've brought the Wolfsbane," I heard Professor Snape grumble. "And- and whose boots are those on your armrest?" I could hear him approaching, and soon Professor Snape was standing over me, obstructing my view of the ceiling. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"You ruined everything," I informed him. "Professor Lupin was about to confess his undying love for me and convert to the righteous path of heterosexuality." He snorted.  
  
"Of course he was."  
  
"Hey, it could happen."  
  
"Oh, Severus," Professor Lupin suddenly exclaimed. "Any word?"  
  
"Not a syllable," he grumbled. "He's too busy sulking, the big baby."  
  
"Oh." All eyes were on me, now.  
  
"What?" And then I realized... "Oh. You're talking about Dad."  
  
"You really should forgive him," Professor Lupin encouraged.  
  
"I don't see why."  
  
"Really," Professor Snape grumbled. "He was born for deceit, anyway. He's a Slytherin, remember?"  
  
"And a Gemini," Professor Lupin added thoughtfully.  
  
"You actually believe in that utter crap?" Snape groused as Lupin downed the Wolfsbane.  
  
"Well, it's interesting. With muggles, it varies a lot, but wizards usually have traits that match their signs." He stared into the empty goblet, a slight grimace still on his face. "Draco's a Gemini, too." Snape snorted.  
  
"What a bunch of horse shit."  
  
"What are some of the Gemini traits?" I asked, out of curiosity.  
  
"Er..." Professor Lupin seemed to be searching for the right answer. "Well, let's see... Fickle, playful-"  
  
"Shameless and relentless flirting," Professor Snape added as he left, slamming the door.  
  
"Ignore him."  
  
"I usually do," I replied listlessly.  
  
"You really should forgive Nathanyel. Most times, he means well."  
  
"I'll think about it." I didn't mean it, though. "Hey, let's have a slumber party!"  
  
"I had a feeling it would come to this."  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"I'm afraid not." He smiled at me as he sank into an armchair. "You don't want to spend the whole night with an old bore like me, anyway."  
  
"Alright, suit yourself. Just don't finish off all that tea by yourself, you'll get sick." He laughed a bit.  
  
"Of course. I'll keep that in mind." And so I find myself in bed.  
  
* ~ April 30 ~ *  
  
The end of the month has come, I'm back full force, and boy is Professor Snape going to get it. I already performed one task that Luna and Ginny had come up with together. We were eating oatmeal for breakfast, and Ginny had come over to discuss the tasks starting up again. "Luna and I were talking," she informed me as soon as she sat down.  
  
"About?"  
  
"The next task," Luna answered for her.  
  
"And?" Yum, maple and brown sugar.  
  
"Send him a magazine subscription," Ginny said, grinning as she slapped several subscription forms down on the table. "I got these from Fred and George. But, please, don't read too much into it."  
  
"Fred and George must really love porn," I replied as I skimmed through the list. "This would be rather funny... But what does it have to do with me loving Professor Snape?"  
  
"It's a gift," Luna insisted.  
  
"Alright," I sighed, turning back to the list. Then, one title in particular caught my eye, and I knew instantly that it was the one. "This one," I exclaimed, pointing to it. They took one look at the name and started sniggering. I noticed that Colin was giving us dirty looks from the Gryffindor table. "What's his problem?"  
  
"He's still sore that you dumped him for Snape," Ginny told me, rather dismissively. "Anyway, let's fill out that subscription." So, we did.  
  
It arrived this morning with the owl post. I was very excited, because I really wanted to see his reaction. I was practically bouncing in my seat. When it came, I watched from the corner of my eye as the owl delivered the subscription to Professor Snape. I think I chose a good one: Flow, the magazine for men who like it wet and red. Mwahahaha!  
  
Professor Snape casually opened the large envelope, looking rather unconcerned, but when he pulled out the magazine and took a look at it, his eyes went round and he spat pumpkin juice out all over it. Professor Lupin, looking rather curious, glanced over and repeated the action. By then, the Flow was rather wet. Heehee. And, oh, wonder of wonders, then Dumbledore joined in. He tapped Snape on the shoulder and whispered something, at which point Snape turned bright red, handed the magazine to him, and stormed out of the room. Dumbledore looked down at the soaking cover, grinned, then... He winked at me.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I love my job.  
  
After that, the day was mostly normal. I didn't see Professor Snape at all, which was a real drag, because I wanted to embarrass him some more. However, there is one person that I did see, though at the time I would rather have sucked the blood out of a tampon. Here's how it happened.  
  
I was just minding my own business, coming back from a rather successful trip to the kitchens (I was teaching the house elves how to make hummus and pita bread) when out of the blue I encountered Dad. In a green kilt. With the Docs. The Docs. That's right. The pink ones. And I was still angry at him, obviously. "Hullo, Nadia."  
  
"Goodbye." I turned to go back to the kitchens.  
  
"You can't stay angry at me forever."  
  
"Watch me."  
  
"I'm entitled to make mistakes." What really got my blood boiling was the fact that he was being so damn calm about it, like he didn't even care.  
  
"What's wrong with you!?" I whirled around to shout at him. "Aren't you even put off!? At all!?" He looked ready to smile, but had the good grace not to, the bastard.  
  
"A little."  
  
"A little!? A LITTLE!?"  
  
"You've got such a temper." Then he tilted his head, and he actually did smile.  
  
"I've had enough," I snapped, sounding remarkably like Professor Snape. "I have better things to do than to watch you stand there and grin like a lunatic." Which he is.  
  
"I'm sorry," he replied quickly. "I told you I was sorry, didn't I?"  
  
"I don't need a fake apology."  
  
"Nadia." He actually looked sincere, for once. "I am sorry. You're my daughter. I love you. I didn't want you to know those things about me- who would? I didn't want you to think of me as some evil monster, is all."  
  
"Actually, I think of you as more of a jackass right now, so I guess it all worked out for the best." He was actually starting to look a bit unhappy.  
  
"Ah. Well, I can't say I blame you."  
  
"No, you can't." I started to walk away again.  
  
"Nadia, please wait!" I decided not to be cruel and again graced him with my charitable presence. "I can't be perfect. Don't I deserve a second chance?"  
  
"Dad, I don't expect you to be perfect. But I at least expect you to act like a decent human being!"  
  
"All that was a long time ago." He sighed. "If I could change it, I would."  
  
"What about the embezzlement?"  
  
"That doesn't make me a horrible person." I couldn't believe he was actually arguing for it. "It's not as if the Ministry helps anyone, anyway."  
  
"Aren't you worried about ending up in Azkaban?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Aren't you worried about your family? Me? Mum?" He seemed to be trying to decide on what to tell me.  
  
"I'd never thought of being caught, before. A lot of people can be bought, Nadia. Morals aren't exactly brought into play at the Ministry of Magic."  
  
"So you don't have any morals?"  
  
"I have morals. They're just... Complicated, that's all. I feel justified in what I do. It's the way I am, and I'm not going to change."  
  
"You shouldn't feel justified in stealing!" I argued.  
  
"Why not? Robin Hood was." Good lord.  
  
"You are not Robin Hood! You are my dad! And you are wearing the ugliest clothing ever created by mankind!"  
  
"I really don't appreciate that comment." I had to say it, though. It was just so vomitous, and I'm not normally fashion conscious, but even a homeless crack addict would cringe upon seeing his attire.  
  
"I don't care!"  
  
"I really am sorry. I'm not just saying that; I'd never say anything I didn't mean to you." He had that pleading look on his face he gets when Mum's angry at him. "Not to you." Oh, God. It was so convincing.  
  
"Well, I don't forgive you."  
  
"Oh. Alright, then." He let out a long sigh and frowned slightly. "I suppose I'll be going, now. Call me if you need anything." He really is a good father, despite everything. "I'll be around, in case you change your mind." I shouldn't have felt any sort of distress at seeing him go, but somehow I did.  
  
"Hey, Dad?" And I shouldn't have caved in so easily.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Well... You're my dad and... I love you, I guess. So... It's okay. I might as well just forgive you. I know I will eventually, anyway." I'm sure Professor Lupin was right in some way.  
  
"...I'm sorry, love."  
  
"You should be. That kilt with the pink Doc Martens is horrendous." He chuckled.  
  
"Back to normal, then?"  
  
"Yeah. Back to normal." He pulled me into one of his psychotic bone- crusher hugs.  
  
"You know, you're my favorite daughter."  
  
"I'm an only child, Dad." He chuckled.  
  
"Of course you are." God, my dad is creepy. Anyway, we had some bonding time while we sat in the kitchens and ate peanut butter and jelly (I really should cut down on my food intake) before he had to go back to work. The whole episode reminded me of when I was little, and I used to wake up every morning as Dad was leaving for work and make him kiss me goodbye so many times that he was almost late. And I remember how I would cry hysterically and chase after him if I missed him even once. I guess I was just a high-strung child. Separation anxiety, and all. That kind of stuck with me, but only a little bit.  
  
After that whole big thing, I went to the library to study, where I encountered (ominous music) Colin. "Hey, Colin." I sat down next to him. "How's tricks?"  
  
"Fine," he replied tersely.  
  
"I didn't leave you for Professor Snape or anything, if that's what you think," I blurted out. "But... Listen, Colin. I think you're a good friend." He scowled. "You are. But... You're just a really horrible boyfriend. Sorry."  
  
"I'm not a horrible boyfriend!" he protested. "I let you put things up my secret back passage!"  
  
"Your... What?" He blushed.  
  
"It's what my mum calls it," he grumbled.  
  
"Right. Well, you liked it." He turned even more red. "You know you did. And it wasn't like I was rough with you when I did it."  
  
"I'm just a little sore over it, alright?"  
  
"Understandable. You're always sore after the first few times."  
  
"That's not what I meant! I mean- I'm still sore over the break up." I grinned.  
  
"I know. I was just kidding." Long silence. "So... My dad came today, to talk to me."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I've decided to forgive him."  
  
"What did he do that was so horrible, anyway?" I hadn't really told anyone else about my father's... Shenanigans.  
  
"It's personal business," I replied. "So, am I going to be forgiven?"  
  
"Eventually."  
  
"That's nice to hear." There was a long silence between us. "...I should really get going, now. I've got to go over my N.E.W.T.s study chart."  
  
"You're insane."  
  
"I noticed." I smiled at him before I left, but he still had that sour angsty teenager look on his face. Oh, well. I tried, at least. And now I'm craving peanut butter, but I'm not even going to look at it because I've decided to go diet-crazy for the moment. I need to make up for all the eating I've been doing lately. My ass is big enough as it is in proportion to the rest of my body, without it actually being overweight. So, I'm off to work out for two hours. Huzzah!  
  
...Professor Snape was right. Exercise sucks.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The magazine subscription idea was donated by Portable Swamp (I read your profile- I like masturbating too!)  
  
To Me the Charmer: Twenty chapters? I don't think I'll be able to do it. There are going to be about two or three more chapters and an epilogue... But this is the longest story I've written as far as word count goes. Plus I actually plan on finishing it. And sorry... There's going to be a sequel. Which is already in progress, so don't worry about it never coming to fruition. I just couldn't fit everything into one story. Besides, the next one won't be in journal format, so Severus will most definitely have his say. But I don't want to ruin anything for all you readers out there. *Cough*Sex*Cough*  
  
To find out more about Gemini and the other star signs, go here: It's quite informative.  
  
Next chapter: The month of May. Nothing definite planned yet, but more love letters are sure to come, and perhaps Nadia will discover Professor Snape's embarrassing middle name. Not to mention perform some more tasks. Off I trot! 


	13. Fonzie and the Pussy Cats

Alright, author's notes time. Thanks to everyone for reviewing so far! It's so amazing to get such positive feedback, and it's really kept me going. It's hard to believe that I've only got a couple more chapters to go, especially since I almost never finish a story! Anyway... To YouHeardMe: Yes, by stuffed grape leaves I mean dolmades. I didn't know the Greek name until you asked me and I googled it. So thanks, I learned something new today! And this chapter: A LOT happens. It's the longest chapter I've written so far. Around thirty-three or thirty-four pages. So that's why it took me so long to post you wild animals! Okay, Nadia finds out a bit about Severus and Nathanyel's families and pasts, Remus has a secret fancy (pff, like we all don't know who it is already, anyway) and Colin and Nadia finally make up and are friends again. Aww. Plus there's a raging cat fight, and we find out Sev's nefarious middle name! MEOW! Let's get started, then! (P.S. - Forgive spelling/grammar mistakes. I always miss at least a few.)  
  
Disclaimer: Your clothes. Give them to me!

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Chapter 13: Fonzie and the Pussy Cats 

**- - May 3 - -**  
  
My God. I am so fucking sore all over my body that I can't even express the pain I'm in. I actually limp when I walk, now. And no, I wasn't in a debilitating accident or anything. It's just from the excessive exercise. I really shouldn't be so obsessive over shedding the five or so pounds I've gained, but it's like my aunt told me: no one's going to fancy a girl with an ass the size and shape of a watermelon. So, here I am, collapsed on my bed, completely exhausted, but not from sex. Which is the worst part of the whole ordeal, I think. I'm too tired to even masturbate, I've been exercising so much!  
  
Oh, well. That's the price for losing weight. At least it's just a little bit. And now I get to go out and walk with Professor Snape. The other day I went and started jogging circles around him. Heehee, he got so angry, and it was hilarious. "Stop that!" he growled, speeding up.  
  
"Come on, Professor, let's see you sweat!"  
  
"Not on your life."  
  
"Feel the burn!"  
  
"You can burn all you like; I'm fine the way I am." Really, sometimes he can be such an old biddy.  
  
"Come on, Professor. Let's have a race; first one to the Quidditch pitch wins."  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
"GO!!" I ran off at top speed, quite aware of the fact that Professor Snape was making absolutely no effort whatsoever to keep up. In fact, I think he was going a little slower. Well, poo on him. I need to shed some pounds, and I need to do it fast. When I got to the Quidditch pitch, I decided to double back towards Professor Snape, since waiting for him would take too long. Can't let the heart rate go down! So, I sprinted back to him and started running around him in circles again. "Slowpoke, slowpoke," I half-panted, half-taunted.  
  
"You're demented," he grumbled. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"Alright, let's burn off those points! One two, one two, one two-"  
  
"I'm leaving." He started for the castle, but I followed him, still making circles around him. "Get away from me, you idiot!"  
  
"You can't just cut your work-out short," I panted. It was taking a lot of effort to talk and run at the same time.  
  
"I can do whatever I bloody well please you daft cow, now get out of my way!!" I stopped dead, right in front of him. Ouch. That one hurt.  
  
"Did you just call me a daft cow?" I asked quietly.  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"...I knew I'd gained weight!" I wailed. "My thighs are the size of tree trunks!" I started running again, redoubling my efforts.  
  
"Christ, girl, you're going to give yourself an ulcer like that."  
  
"I've- got- to- lose- ten pounds!" I really am a fitness freak, sometimes.  
  
"You look ready to collapse," he commented listlessly, climbing the steps to the castle. I took the opportunity to run up and down them. "Mind you don't hurt yourself and get me in trouble." Then he walked away. I decided it would be a better use of my time to do laps up and down the grand staircase for around an hour, so that's what I did next. You know, you see so many people when you're working out in plain sight. Near the end of the hour, Professor Lupin just happened to pop by.  
  
"Nadia?"  
  
"Oh- hi- Profess-ssor- Lu-Lupin!" I panted, ignoring the burning in... Pretty much my whole body.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Well-" I managed to work out (no pun intended-) "I-I gained- gained some weight," I paused for a deep breath, "and I-I started working out." I took another deep breath. "I th-thought I'd been d-doing alright, but then- then-" I dropped to the floor and started doing crunches. "Prof-Professor Snape, he- called- called me a cow- so now- I figure- I've got- got ten- well, maybe fifteen- pounds to- to go."  
  
"Are you sure that's healthy?"  
  
"N-no fucking idea!" I replied, trying to sound chipper. Instead I sounded constipated.  
  
"Er..." He looked at me like I'd transformed into Bette Midler or something. "Good luck with it, then."  
  
"Thanks!" I worked out with Professor Snape again today, too. Well, sort of. Not really. I was just starting out, and drinking an energy shake to give me a boost (since my muscles protested just about any kind of movement) when Professor Snape passed by on his daily walk.  
  
"Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix," he was muttering to himself over and over. "Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix."  
  
"Birthday party coming up, Professor?" I asked.  
  
"Shut it."  
  
"May I offer you an energy shake to boost your spirits?" I held the glass out to him.  
  
Professor Snape stared apprehensively down at the shake. "You haven't slipped any roofies into this, have you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at the drink.  
  
"Only a bit," I replied.  
  
"I'm not thirsty. Besides, I need mandrake feathers and jarvey sprouts- wait- was it white cake mix or yellow cake mix? Oh bloody sodding fucker fucking bugger shitfaced..." He muttered as he walked away. Well, he was certainly distracted. I hadn't known he had such a dirty mouth, but it wasn't exactly difficult to believe.  
  
"Nadia! So we meet again."  
  
"Hello, Professor Lupin. Care for a shag?"  
  
"Hells yes! I mean, no, that's alright." Hey, imagination's a good thing. The second part was his real answer.  
  
"That's too bad," I sighed. "Sex burns one hundred calories an hour and I could do with the break. Anyway, I've got to run: literally! Seeya later, sweet teets!" He had a rather confused expression as I sprinted away, which was just about the most amusing part of my day. And... Well, I exercised all day, skipped dinner, exercised some more, took a shower, and now here I am. Hopefully, if I boost my activity level to at least five hours a day, I'll be able to shed that ten or fifteen pounds in a couple of weeks. RIGHT!? Okay, I need to do crunches.  
  
May 10   
  
One week, one fucking week, how much did I lose!? Four pounds. FOUR. Fucker, I need to cut down on my serving sizes. Hmm... Maybe I'm just trying too hard? Getting psychotically obsessive?  
  
...Nah. So, I went out running from breakfast to lunch, then collapsed on my bed for two hours, then went to visit Professor Snape and see if he fancied a jog. As I approached his office, I heard voices. It's so easy to eavesdrop on him that it isn't even funny. "Lupin, please leave me be."  
  
"And I quote," Professor Lupin's voice drifted out, "'Professor Snape called me a cow, so now I've got fifteen pounds to go.'"  
  
"Your point?"  
  
"It's unhealthy, Severus! She spends all day running around like a lunatic, she skips meals, and I've got the sneaking suspicion that she's going to end up fainting, if she hasn't already."  
  
"What do you want me to do about it?"  
  
"Just take it back! You know she's not fat."  
  
"Rather big hips, though."  
  
"You like that body type."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So apologize! She'll end up an anorexic or something, trying to please you!"  
  
"Lupin, you are sadly mistaken if you think anyone would try to please me."  
  
"I can name at least three people."  
  
"You're only so concerned because you want Nathanyel in your bed, you utter poof."  
  
"SEVERUS!" Lupin growled. "I'm not fucking around!"  
  
"Could have fooled me."  
  
"For Christ's sake, Severus, just tell the girl she's thin!"  
  
"Fine!" he growled. "I'll tell her she's a fucking stick, alright!?"  
  
"You'd better mean every Goddamned word!"  
  
"I WILL!" Professor Snape stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.  
  
"Hello, Professor," I greeted.  
  
"YOU ARE WASTING AWAY!! EAT A BLOODY SANDWICH BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!!" And then he stalked away.  
  
"Well," I muttered to myself. "That was interesting." Professor Lupin walked out of the office, raising his eyebrows at me.  
  
"Is that all settled, then?" he asked calmly. Alright. Professor Lupin is now officially a bipolar psycho.  
  
"Yes. I'll go have a snack and a nap right now."  
  
"You do that."  
  
"I will." I'd never thought I'd find a gay man that scary, but there are new things to be learnt every day. Anyway, I fulfilled my promise and snacked and napped. I'm still going to watch what I eat, but... Maybe I'll tone it down. Just a bit. Besides, that should give me time to do some actual tasks.  
  
**- - May 13 - - **  
  
Alright, here's the skinny. I'm a super stealthy ninja!! No, just kidding. Two things happened in the past three days. First, Dad won't leave me alone, the silly bastard. Second, I received and sort of carried out another task. I did the task, but... It didn't turn out quite as planned.  
  
It was the other day that I was heading down to the dungeons to ask Professor Snape a few things about the N.E.W.T. exams. I didn't even make it to the office when I saw him, prowling in my direction. "Professor!" I hailed.  
  
"Go away," he growled. "I am expecting a visitor."  
  
"Really? When?"  
  
"Now."  
  
"I just have a few questions-"  
  
"Yoohoo! Mr. Beauregard!" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Oh yes," Professor Snape argued as Dad trotted up to us, thankfully not looking like an escaped mental patient. For the most part.  
  
"Dad? What are you doing here now?"  
  
"Oh, I just came to discuss the Wolfsbane potion with our dear potions master." He turned to Professor Snape. "Good to see you, Fonz."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Anyway, Severus, I was thinking-"  
  
"Nadia!" Ginny came running up, looking excited about something. "Nadia, I just- Why hello Mr. Page." I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Hello, Ginny. It's so nice to see you again." She gave him one of her flirtiest smiles. Oh, God. I couldn't believe she was doing that to me. And in front of Professor Snape, to boot.  
  
"You, too, Mr. Page." She side-stepped a bit closer to him. "So, are you still married?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Goddammit." She stomped away without telling me what she had come to say.  
  
"What a strange and frightening girl." Professor Snape snorted.  
  
"Dad, you should be able to tell by now that everyone in this place wants to bend you over backwards." Ew. I couldn't believe I'd just said that.  
  
"Especially that creepy Creevey boy of yours."  
  
"Oh, gross." I knew he was just kidding, but still... Bad, bad mental images.  
  
"Please, don't speak," Professor Snape grumbled, looking a bit green. Dad just grinned and winked at him.  
  
"Now, about the Wolfsbane- I say we add hellebore." Snape reached up to massage his temples.  
  
"Nathanyel, wouldn't that make the potion... Oh, I don't know... Explode?"  
  
"Not if we stabilize it with doxy secretions. And the poisonous chemicals in the secretion would be neutralized by the wolfsbane, so all is well."  
  
"My God... You're right! Let's go!"  
  
"I'll see you later, Nadia."  
  
"Come on, we've got work to do!" I watched them run off like little school girls and wondered... Where did I go wrong? Deciding that my questions would need to wait until later (being in the same room as Dad while he's experimenting with explosive substances is not a good idea) I went to look for Ginny. After all, it was probably something semi-important if she was so excited about it.  
  
I found her after only ten minutes, talking to her boy, Mr. Hunk. "Hey, Ginny," I greeted. I looked over at the Hunkmeister. "Hello... You." He nodded at me. Okay, weirdo.  
  
"Well, see you later then!" Ginny said to Hunkman, taking my arm and leading me off. "Thanks for saving me, the conversation was getting really awkward."  
  
"Maybe because he doesn't know any English," I replied.  
  
"I know," she sighed. "He's a transfer student. It's very exotic, don't you think?"  
  
"Not particularly." We had made it to the court yard, where we sat down on the bench furthest away from everyone else.  
  
"Well, I think it is. Besides, that's less time for talking and more time for the fun stuff." She winked.  
  
"Right. Anyway, what were you going to tell me?"  
  
"Oh, right!" Ginny exclaimed. "We've got a new task. Defend Professor Snape's virtue."  
  
"...In what way?"  
  
"By fighting another girl for his honor. I was thinking me or Luna, but we might be able to get someone else in on the deal. What do you think?"  
  
"Hell, I'm ready to kick some ass any time of the day!"  
  
"Good! Well, you have potions tomorrow, so I was thinking you could stage it after class."  
  
"Sure thing. Then he'll be there to see it." She grinned.  
  
"Precisely my thinking." So, at dinner we discussed the plan with Luna. She was all for it, but Colin sat out on the activities again. Baby. The plan was to pretend to fight Luna in the dungeon corridor after potions. I would wait for Luna's signal, then the altercation would begin. Snape would emerge to see what the trouble was, then hear my self- appointment as the official defender of his virtue. Hopefully, it would go off without a hitch.  
  
Yesterday in potions class I remained inconspicuous, earning a few puzzled glares from Professor Snape. I was saving up my energy for the mock fight with Luna, who was sitting on the other side of the room. If we seemed like we were disagreeing with each other, then our little altercation would be more authentic.  
  
In almost no time at all the bell was ringing and everybody was leaving class. Luna was the first one out, and I followed her soon enough. She stayed a good distance away in the corridor, waiting to give her signal. I was ready to carry out the task when someone bumped right into me and almost made me drop my bag. I turned around, a scowl on my face, to snap at whoever happened to be the culprit.  
  
Persephone Wyatt. Disgusting Whore. "Oh, sorry! Teehee!" And yes, the "teehee" was actually said aloud. She got this dumb blonde puzzled expression on her face and brought her index finger up to poke her chin. "You know, you hang around Snape an awful lot."  
  
"I noticed," I replied flatly.  
  
"Why do you fancy him so much? I'll bet it's something good."  
  
"It isn't."  
  
"Is he rich?" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"He's a teacher."  
  
"But he's a pureblood, right? They're all rich! Except the Weasleys, that is."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"You know," she went on, starting to sound kind of sly, "the more I think about it, the more I realize that Snape's an untapped resource." I nearly dropped my books.  
  
"..._What?_"  
  
"You know, Page, you're not so dumb after all! I mean, picking up on something like that so early in the game- good for you! Now, if you'll kindly step aside, I think it's time you left an expert to do the job." I was outright staring, open-mouthed.  
  
"You're going after him?"  
  
"Of course! Oh, imagine the things he could buy for me! And you know, it can't be _that _hard. He's got to be some poor, lonely soul deep down, right? Wish me luck!"  
  
"You tramp!" Just as Professor Snape was walking out of the room, and Luna was giving the signal.  
  
"Oh, hello, Professor!" the bimbo chirruped in a falsely sweet voice. "That lesson today was so interesting!"  
  
"Don't you walk away from me, you cheap floozy!" I stepped forward, grabbed her by her uniform's tie, and yanked upwards. "I won't let you put one tart-infested acrylic nail on my Severus!"  
  
"Huh?" Professor Snape asked, looking rather lost.  
  
"Get your grubby little paws off me, you dirty tomboy!" she snarled back, slapping me.  
  
"Now you've crossed the line!" I let go of her tie and punched her with all my strength. She tried to jump back, though, so I got her in the (fake) breast.  
  
"Oof!" She stumbled backwards into the wall. "Those were expensive you uncivilized neanderthal!"  
  
"Get ready for a jaw reconstruction, gold digger!" I lunged at her and grabbed her by the hair, throwing her on the ground and landing a kick in her stomach. Hey, my Dad taught me to fight, and Pages fight dirty. Heheh, thank _God _for steel toe boots.  
  
"**CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!!" **sounded from the milling crowd, and soon there was a mostly male audience cheering us on.  
  
"Er... No fighting," Professor Snape protested, though he still seemed rather stumped.  
  
"Stay out of this!" I ordered. "I'm defending your virtue from this diseased, cock eating whore!"  
  
"Wanker!" she snapped, kicking my legs out from beneath me and sending me tumbling. Snarling, she crawled on top of me and started pulling my hair. "I'll show you who's the whore!"  
  
"Your boobs are saggy bags!"  
  
"At least they exist!"  
  
"RARHH!!!!" I yanked on her ears, then flung my leg up and kicked her right in the crotch. And, contrary to popular belief, it really does hurt an extraordinary amount when you're hit in the vagina bone.  
  
"Augh!" She rolled off me, clutching herself. I stood up and stomped down on her stomach, knocking the wind out of her, then dragged her up by her nipples. Ah, that was fun. "AIIEEEE!!!" The nips hurt a lot, too. "LET GO, DYKE!"  
  
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!! YOUR MOTHER LICKED MY PUSSY AND SHE _LOVED IT!!!!_"I slammed her against the wall and gave her twin purple nurples. "SHE SAID, 'OH, DAMN, THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!!!!!'"  
  
"RAAAAAHHH!!!" She flung her claw-like nails at me and scratched both sides of my face, causing me to stumble back, rather shocked at the blood that was dribbling down my neck. "HOW _DARE _YOU!? YOUR MOTHER RUNS AROUND TOWN WITH MY FATHER'S PARTNER AT HIS LAW FIRM!!!"  
  
"BITCH!!!" I punched her again, and this time I got her right in the jaw. She fell like a sack of potatoes, and didn't get up. Hah, I always keep a promise.  
  
"Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!" one of her girly little friends shrieked. "You manly brute!" I punched her out, too. You know, just for good measure.  
  
"Jesus bloody Christ, Nadia!" Professor Lupin pushed his way through the crowd, followed by Professors Snape, McGonagall, and... Dumbledore. I sensed that I was about to face a very sincere punishment.  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ is right," Professor Snape muttered under his breath. I shrugged, wiping some of the blood off my face.  
  
"It's just a flesh wound," I replied. I was stared at a bit before I took note of the two unconscious girls on the floor. "Er... Well, they'll be alright."  
  
"Miss Page!" Professor McGonagall looked outraged. Maybe because the other girl whose name I couldn't quite remember was a Gryffindor. "How _dare _you show such a flagrant disregard for school rules! And _fist fighting! _It's most unlady-like!"  
  
"I was defending Professor Snape!" I protested. All eyes turned to Snape, who was covering his face with his hand and looking very embarrassed.  
  
"That isn't true," he grumbled. "I don't need defending."  
  
"But Wyatt was moving in on him! I couldn't have it!" Now there were several raised eyebrows directed towards me. "She's just a trampy little gold digger, anyway," I muttered. "And she struck first. Plus, she made me bleed. I don't see any bleeding down there."  
  
"I don't see any movement, either," McGonagall snapped. Professor Dumbledore, meanwhile, had been scrutinizing the scene the entire time.  
  
"Nadia, after Madam Pomfrey has taken care of your injuries, we'll have to have a talk." Fuuuuuuuuck. "In the meantime, Professor Snape will be happy to accompany you to the infirmary." I could see Professor Snape's expression, and it was definitely along the lines of "fuuuuuuuuck." So, I pushed through the excited crowd with Professor Snape, while Professor Lupin worked on getting Wyatt and her friend onto stretchers and McGonagall broke up the mob of students. We walked in silence for a few minutes, until Professor Lupin caught up to us with my victims.  
  
"Gods, Nadia, what were you thinking?" he muttered. "This girl has a broken jaw!" HAH! I knew it.  
  
"Well, let's just say I was blinded by a jealous rage." Professor Snape turned a bit red.  
  
"You really do take after your father," he muttered, handing over a handkerchief.  
  
"Though with a bit less grace," Professor Snape added quietly.  
  
"Thanks," I replied, cleaning off my face and neck with the handkerchief. "You want this back?"  
  
"Go ahead and keep it." More silence loomed. "Did he teach you to punch like that?" Professor Lupin suddenly asked, finally breaking through the sound barrier. Harhar.  
  
"My dad, you mean?" He nodded. "Yeah." I wiped at my face with the handkerchief again. "He said I could use it if a boy tried to move in on me." I sighed; Dad was always a bit overprotective when it came to dating. "Professor Snape was excluded, of course."  
  
"Of course," Professor Lupin agreed. Professor Snape grumbled something I didn't quite catch under his breath, though I could swear he mentioned pirates. "But you can't go around fighting everyone who rubs you the wrong way," Lupin added reproachfully.  
  
"Yeah, but she had it coming." I wiped my face again. "Her and that empty head of hers. Harumph." Professor Snape looked as if he was trying not to smirk.  
  
"Just like Nathanyel," Professor Lupin muttered, obviously not finding this a very encouraging fact.  
  
"No," Professor Snape argued, really quite suddenly. "No, that's not true." Lupin raised his eyebrows a bit, but remained silent. I chose to do the same.  
  
It wasn't much longer before we were in the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey was fussing about how reckless children are these days. I soon found myself in bed with bandages on my face and the two professors muttering to each other just out of earshot. A few more minutes, and Dumbledore had entered the scene. As I expressed earlier: fuuuuuuuuck. He muttered along with the other two before heading for me. I gulped. "Ah, Miss Page."  
  
"Am I expelled?" I blurted out.  
  
"No, no, you aren't." I let out a relieved sigh.  
  
"That's a relief."  
  
"Indeed it is. However, I will have to ask you to serve a week of detentions with Professor Snape. It should give you some time to straighten things out a bit, I daresay."  
  
"Yes, that's true."  
  
"I've informed Professor Snape that your detentions will serve as conferences. You and he are to talk and get to know both yourselves and each other much better. You'll need to take notes, as I expect two feet by the end of the week about Professor Snape." A report about Professor Snape. Heaven! "I'll require personal information, past experiences, personality traits, and evidence to support your arguments. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, sir!" I answered, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically.  
  
"Very good. I'll expect you to begin tomorrow. Professor Snape will set the time."  
  
"Alright. Thank you again, for keeping me on." His eyes glittered a bit, with what looked vaguely like mirth.  
  
"It's really my pleasure. Now, I really must be going. That latest challenge really has me stumped." He ran his fingers thoughtfully through his beard.  
  
"Just be creative," I advised. "I wrote about Professor Snape dressing up in make up and singing along to 'Ziggy Stardust.'" He grinned.  
  
"Ah, exquisite. Though, I don't think that's too far from the truth..." Humming a bit, he walked away, murmuring to himself about ideas for the latest challenge. After he'd gone, Professor Lupin came to talk to me.  
  
"Alright then?" I nodded.  
  
"A bit sore, but I'll live." Silence. "Is she going to be deformed?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid not. However, there is something rather peculiar..." I raised an eyebrow. "You left a dent in her breast." I sniggered appreciatively.  
  
"Oh, how sweet it is!" Professor Lupin cleared his throat.  
  
"It isn't funny, Nadia," he scolded. I tried to look at least a bit sheepish, but I don't think I was pulling it off very well. "Someone could have gotten seriously hurt."  
  
"A broken jaw doesn't count?" He sighed.  
  
"Yes, but... I think you're missing the point." I tried to think of what the point might be.  
  
"...No fighting?" I guessed. He sighed again.  
  
"I really shouldn't even bother," he muttered, rubbing his forehead.  
  
"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I know I shouldn't let my temper get the best of me, or act so demented over Professor Snape. I realize he doesn't much care for it, but as I explained before... It's my duties as acting officer of the SSS."  
  
"You really should forget the whole idea," he advised.  
  
"I can't," I insisted. "We're almost through, anyway. You won't tell, will you?"  
  
"I won't, as long as you do." There was a long silence between us in which a staring contest proceeded to take place. "Werewolves don't need to blink, ever."  
  
"That's not true." About five more minutes passed, and I started to doubt my denial. Finally, I gave in. "Fine. I'll tell him. Hell, I'll even give him the journal. Satisfied?" He blinked, but didn't open his eyes.  
  
"A bit," he replied tightly, trying to pry his eyelids open with his fingers. I laughed. "By the way, Severus wants you to drop by his office around half past seven." He at last got his eyelids open again. "For every detention. He was too embarrassed to tell you himself.'  
  
"Thanks." So, that was settled.  
  
Today, all I could think of was the detention. Ginny tried to convince me to do another task during it, but I refused. I just didn't want to ruin my chances of finding out Professor Snape's innermost secrets. When it was time to go, I was so excited that I peed all over myself. But not really.  
  
"Professor?" I entered the office, looking around. Professor Snape was seated at his desk, a chair stationed at the other side.  
  
"Sit," he ordered primly. I sat.  
  
"So." His lips thinned, but he said nothing. "Let's get started."  
  
"I'd rather not." I ignored him.  
  
"Hmmm... I know! What's your middle name?" A low growl escaped his throat, and he glared at me. Ah, so I'd already stumbled onto dangerous ground. "I'll bet I can guess."  
  
"Hmph," was the only reply. I pondered for a moment.  
  
"Sirius?" Another growl.  
  
"No."  
  
"Orpheus?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Joseph?" I was joking, of course, in using the male counterpart of my own middle name.  
  
"No." Apparently, he hadn't noticed.  
  
"Nevio."  
  
"No."  
  
"Walter."  
  
"No."  
  
"Harry." A loud snort.  
  
"_No_."  
  
"Ginny!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Julio."  
  
"No." He was clearly becoming agitated.  
  
"Alfonso." There was a deafening silence in the room, and I could tell I had hit the bull's-eye. I couldn't believe that I had actually guessed it, let alone that it was Alfonso. "_Alfonso?_" I repeated, unable to stifle a bit of laughter.  
  
"Another topic," he hissed.  
  
"Alfonso!"  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw! And if another living soul hears-"  
  
"Alright, Professor," I hurriedly agreed. "But you know... That makes your initials S.A.S." He gave me a blank stare. "Sass."  
  
"Miss Page..." he warned in a dangerous tone.  
  
"Alright, Professor." I sat and thought for a moment of what topic to try and breech next. Perhaps talking about myself would prompt him to open up? "What was your first kiss like?" He stiffened, his hands forming tight fists. I hadn't meant to bring something like that up, but... It was the first topic to come to mind. "Mine was rather awkward," I said, before he could start taking more points away. "With a Slytherin boy, a year older." I paused for a moment.  
  
"Draco Malfoy?" he guessed, sounding melancholy.  
  
"No," I answered. "Blaise Zabini." He blinked.  
  
"Zabini?" He raised an eyebrow. Well, at least I had the man's interest.  
  
"Yes. We were fighting, next thing I knew... Smooch! Come to think of it, Blaise and I never _entirely _got on together. He was a very contrary person, you know." He looked at me evenly for a few moments.  
  
"I see." Well, that was disappointing.  
  
"...What about you, Professor?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your first kiss."  
  
"I'm not telling that to you." Bastard!  
  
"Not anything?"  
  
"It was bad. Now stop badgering me about it." Alright... I supposed it was time to move on to a safer topic.  
  
"Would you like to pick a topic?" He crossed his arms and glared at me. Sullen, silly man. I thought of a topic that might appeal to him- perhaps Quidditch? "Did you play Quidditch for the Slytherin team?" I asked.  
  
"I was a beater," he answered, sounding a bit pleased.  
  
"Were you good?"  
  
"Would I have gotten on the team if I wasn't?" he asked scathingly.  
  
"You seem kind of thinly built for a beater." Beater, heheh.  
  
"Apparently so."  
  
"When did you join the team?" He hesitated.  
  
"Seventh year," he grumbled.  
  
"That's a bit late, isn't it?"  
  
"I suppose so," he growled dangerously, sneering.  
  
"How long did it take you to perfect that sneer?" My question was answered with a noise that sounded too menacing for me to want to pursue the topic. "Were you popular in school?" I asked.  
  
"No," he snarled. This was obviously a sensitive topic for him.  
  
"I've never been, either," I answered. "Ginny's the only person who's 'high on the social ladder' and actually treats me civilly. It's not that I mind, really. The rest of them are snobs, anyway." I just wish they'd stop torturing me about every tiny thing. Especially my feelings for Professor Snape. Those bitches will pay... Speaking of Professor Snape, he was silent, but he didn't seem quite as angry as before. So, I continued. "I'm glad I'm in seventh year, now. It means I don't have to be bothered by older students. There was this one girl, Padma Patil... She was such a snotty little brat." I frowned to myself. "Once she purposely ruined my entire potions essay and spilled all my black ink. I had to borrow someone else's ink and write the whole four feet over with- with-" I shuddered. "Pink."  
  
"I believe I took points off for that." He seemed slightly less pleased with himself than I would have expected.  
  
"Yes," I answered sourly. However, my disposition brightened when I remembered the following day. "I got her back, though. I jinxed her wand while she slept, and the next day everyone in her year was talking about how she turned everything she tried to charm or transfigure pink. And how she turned... well, you... pink. Got fifty points from Ravenclaw and a week of detention." I sat for a while, relishing my victory. "And a zero for the day. She was bawling her eyes out after classes, and I laughed right in her face!" Then I proceeded to laugh. The memory of that wonderful day still filled my heart with vengeful joy. However, I stopped when I realized how immersed in my tale I had been, and flushed a bit at seeing Professor Snape staring at me.  
  
"I did _not _enjoy being turned pink," he muttered, frowning. However, his frown diminished after a moment. "Though, I _did _enjoy making Miss Patil cry." I grinned wildly; progress is a wonderful thing.  
  
"Did you do things like that in school?" I asked carefully. He chewed on his lip for a moment.  
  
"I did. But I'm not going to tell you anything."  
  
"Oh, poo." There was a long silence. "Now what?"  
  
"I have no idea," he snapped. "Has it been two hours yet?"  
  
"Not even close." He growled lowly.  
  
"Talk about yourself, then."  
  
"Alright. Erm... Interests, yes. Well, I've always been fascinated by pirates-"  
  
"That much is obvious," he snorted.  
  
"Apparently so," I agreed. "I like to write stories. Mostly about men. Together."  
  
"Yes, I'd gathered as much." That tick in his jaw was going off.  
  
"Let's see... Erm... My mother's side of the family is Greek."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Well, by all means, you tell me my life story!" I snapped irritably. He raised an eyebrow. "Are you quite finished, then?" He nodded, looking close to slightly amused. Almost. "My godfather-"  
  
"Was almost me." That made me shudder a bit.  
  
"You shut up, now!" I insisted. He looked as if he was enjoying interrupting me at every sentence. "My godfather is _NOT YOU_, but my uncle. His name is Kristophoros, but we call him Kristo because the whole name's a mouthful, wouldn't you say?" He looked as if he would. "Don't. Anyway, he's a priest, an alcoholic, a complete lech, and a beekeeper. But he's a nice person, really, even if he does always forget to shave and smells like brandy, only a bit sweeter from the honey." Professor Snape remained silent. "Were you really _almost _my godfather?"  
  
"Yes. I turned the offer down, of course. And, having been forced to spend most of the year in your company, Miss Page, I'm rather glad I did."  
  
"Thanks," I replied. "My aunt is a gold digger, but she's nice enough if you're not within her sexual preferences or prospective financial bracket. My mother is a neurotic in desperate need of Prozac, though she's an excellent cook. I'm sure you know my father well enough, seeing as you were frolicking through fields of hypodermic needles for the duration of your school days-"  
  
"I'll not tolerate that tone from you," he warned with a sneer.  
  
"Goodness gracious," I proclaimed blandly. "Anyway, where was I?" He let out a low growl. Sexiness. "Oh, right, my dad. I was thinking about that and, you know, you owe me."  
  
"Owe you _what?_"  
  
"Information about my father that doesn't involve some sort of serious crime." He glared at me. "Fine, don't tell me. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore would be interested to know about your insistent silence."  
  
"Alright. He used to sing like a fwooper. The impression was uncanny, but after a few hours people were shooting silencing charms at him."  
  
"He still does that," I groaned. "He has a pet fwooper, too. He absolutely loves the things. He's a real bird person, but fwoopers are his favorites." My father can be rather embarrassing. "My mother's had to go to St. Mungo's five times that I can remember for rehabilitation." I could see a slight smirk starting to form on the professor's face. "I remember once," I continued, "he cast a dung producing charm on her mop. She nearly went mad when she tried to mop the dining room, and started screaming at him. He told her that he'd done it because the dining room floor needed to be fertilized so more chairs could grow." I chewed my lip, dwelling in the memory. "Ginny's father was sent in from the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department, and had to file a full report. The next day, the incident was in that damned 'wacky story of the day' section of the Daily Prophet. The next week, when I went back to school, I was tortured about it until Halloween."  
  
"He always was completely batty," Professor Snape muttered. "I remember he enjoyed the sensation of passing through a ghost. The Bloody Baron avoided him like the plague." He chewed his lip and I waited for more. "And he claimed that he could never lose a game of chess, as long as he played with his feet. The pieces didn't appreciate it, though." One could imagine.  
  
"What else?" I asked.  
  
"Once he went through _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _and folded two of every animal in the book out of paper, then put them in the common room at night and animated them. He called it Slytherin's Ark. Our head of house called it a disaster and nearly expelled him." I shook my head.  
  
"He has an 'Origami Room' in our house." It's actually quite a magnificent room- my father folded everything in it from colored paper, and he adds to it all the time. Origami was always one of his more prominent hobbies. "Anything else?"  
  
"Plenty. His fourth year he bred puffskeins in an abandoned classroom because he had a cold. When it cleared up he set them free throughout the school, but he always kept one with him to lick up his bogies." My father is a freak. "One night I woke up and found one practically halfway up my nose." He grimaced. "Nathanyel named it Severus after that." I couldn't help but laugh, though Professor Snape didn't seem to appreciate it.  
  
"That reminds me of the time he let some pigeons breed in the attic." I sniggered a bit. "When Mum went up there to clean, she completely lost it. I was trying not to laugh as the whole flock chased her around the house, though Dad wasn't trying at all." Professor Snape seemed to enjoy that little story. "Have you ever met my mother?" One couldn't be too sure. And, I was right about that; his face darkened and he scowled.  
  
"Yes," he growled. "I don't much like her."  
  
"Really? I hadn't noticed." He grunted. "So were you and Dad best buds or something?"  
  
"Along those lines, I suppose."  
  
"Went around making mischief?"  
  
"Perhaps. Well, that's two hours, then." I blinked.  
  
"Nooo."  
  
"Yes." He pointed to a very complex and difficult to read clock on the side wall with five hands. "Good night, Miss Page."  
  
"You too," I replied, not bother to protest.  
  
Upon reaching my dormitory I flopped down on the bed with a long sigh and masturbated. No, kidding. That would be disgusting, because I'd just finished a conversation mostly about my dad. I just, you know, dropped dead. And wrote. Now I'm going to pee all over the ceiling.  
  
**May 20 **  
  
Last night was my last detention/conference with Professor Snape, and my essay is due in five days, but I'll get to that later. This week was filled with fun conversations and a visit to the hospital wing. It wasn't Professor Snape's blood pressure, though, so that's good. Anyway, I'll start from the beginning.  
  
The day after my first little talk with Professor Snape, I had Arithmancy first thing, but I took far too long eating breakfast, so I was the last to class. The only empty seat left was next to Colin, so I sat down and avoided looking him in the eye. Unfortunately, the professor felt the intense desire to pair us up for some of the more difficult problems, and so I found myself working with him. "Hey, Colin."  
  
"What?" He didn't seem much in the mood to talk.  
  
"How're you feeling?"  
  
"I'm feeling busy. This work is very difficult." I nudged him a bit.  
  
"Oh, come on."  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
"Why are you being so short with me? It's not like _you're _perfect, or anything."  
  
"Shut up," he muttered. "I'm trying to work."  
  
"You sound just like Professor Snape," I whispered back, quickly jotting down a few random numbers when Professor Vector looked our way.  
  
"Good, maybe now you'll like me better."  
  
"Don't be that way." Professor Vector was starting to look suspicious.  
  
"I can be however I want."  
  
"Well..." I looked around at the professor before starting the problem. "I miss you. So don't be angry forever, alright?" He only grunted. Well, at least that was _some _progress. I think. Perhaps.  
  
Then, at lunch, Luna, Ginny and I went outside to eat by the lake. At which time Luna presented to me a pair of handcuffs and a key. "It's for the new task," she informed me, handing them over.  
  
"Explain," I replied, pocketing them.  
  
"You're to handcuff yourself to Professor Snape and swallow the key," Ginny answered. "But don't worry, we have a spare. Anyway, Snape's walking around on the grounds as we speak, so we thought you could go and do it now." They both looked up at me rather hopefully. With a long-suffering sigh, I stood up.  
  
"Alright," I grumbled. "But don't be getting so heavy with the tasks, you _know _I've got to study for N.E.W.T. exams."  
  
"There he is!" was Luna's response. I followed her pointing finger to see Professor Snape prowling across the grounds, heading for the Quidditch pitch.  
  
"Alright, Nadia..." Ginny breathed excitedly. "GO!" I hesitated only a moment before I went sprinting across the grounds, right up behind Professor Snape, and jumped at him, knocking him to the ground. Holding him down, I snapped one side of the handcuffs around my wrist.  
  
"GET OFF ME!!" Taking a deep breath, I took the other side of the handcuffs and snapped the bangle around his wrist. Then, before he could protest, I swallowed the key. And the bell rang for afternoon classes.  
  
"There. Now we'll never be apart!" His stared at me with his mouth hanging open. "Haha, just kidding. I have a spare key."  
  
"YOU'RE INSANE!!!"  
  
"I know. It's funny, isn't it?"  
  
"NO!!"  
  
"I'm gonna get to see you nakies."  
  
"Oh my God." He looked absolutely horrified. "HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP!!"  
  
"Aw, isn't that cute? You're struggling! C'mon, I'm feeling sort of grubby; let's go take a bath together!"  
  
"HAGRID!!!" I started to drag him off. "HAGRID, CAN YOU HEAR ME!? HELP!! _HELP!!!_" Apparently, Hagrid couldn't hear him, because nobody came to his aid. "That's it!" He took out his wand, which I snatched from him immediately. Apparently, he hadn't been expecting me to try to take it.  
  
"Naughty, naughty, Professor!" I winked.  
  
"You can't do this to me!"  
  
"Oh yes I can!"  
  
"That's enough!" He snatched his wand back. "_Alohomora!_" Nothing happened to the handcuffs. Oh, thank the lord for Ginny and Luna. "Argh!" He tried a few other spells before giving up and glaring at me.  
  
"It's not that bad," I informed him. "At least now we get a head start on the next detention, right?"  
  
"We're going to the infirmary." Wow, that was a surprise. I know how much Professor Snape despises the infirmary. "Come on." He tugged the handcuffs, then started walking. Naturally, I followed him.  
  
"This is kind of funny, don't you think, sir?" He growled.  
  
"Why couldn't you do this to Creevey?"  
  
"Colin and I broke up." He said nothing as he examined the ground, while I slowly inched closer to him. After a while, he growled lowly.  
  
"Alright, why?"  
  
"Hm?" I looked up, surprised.  
  
"I can tell you want me to ask. So, why did you and Creevey 'break up?'" He sounded like this was the last thing he ever wanted to be discussing with anyone, especially while handcuffed to me.  
  
"Because of you," I answered simply.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me." I picked a stray string off my shirt. "Colin's the jealous type," I elaborated, when he raised an eyebrow. "He still gets jealous _now_, and we aren't even together anymore."  
  
"...Jealous?" It seemed as if this was a difficult concept for him to grasp.  
  
"Shall I retrieve a dictionary for you, Professor?" I asked sarcastically. He blinked, then scowled at me.  
  
"Five points from Ravenclaw," he snapped as we entered the castle. We walked along in silence for a few more minutes before I spoke up.  
  
"By the way, you looked pretty happy in that sunflower field." He looked like I had just kicked him in the balls. "Where was it?" I'd kept that picture in the SSS book, so I could look at it very often.  
  
"Nowhere," he growled tersely.  
  
"Oh, don't be such a stiff. Besides, if you won't tell then I'll just ask Dad. He sent me a picture, you know."  
  
"...Tuscany."  
  
"Oh, wow. I didn't know you've traveled abroad, Professor."  
  
"I have." He still seemed pretty uptight.  
  
"That's where your nipples became sun kissed and chocolate, right?" I still remembered that little scene in the hospital wing, back in January. Speaking of which, we had arrived.  
  
"Oh my goodness!" Madam Pomfrey came bustling up to us, looking extremely hassled. "What have you done to yourself _now?_" She glared reprovingly at Professor Snape, who glared right back and lifted our joined hands to show her the handcuffs. "How did this happen?" she asked menacingly. I pointed at Professor Snape.  
  
"No!" he snapped, batting my hand away. "This is _not _my doing!"  
  
"Never mind," Madam Pomfrey insisted in rushed tones. "Just get to those beds there- I don't know when I'll be with you, a whole Transfiguration class just came in-" Professor Snape opened his mouth to say something scathing- "Don't you dare, Severus! Now, _go!_" So, we shuffled off to a bed together and sat down.  
  
"We could talk to pass the time," I suggested after a while. He sneered at me. "Really, though. If we talk now you won't have to put up with the detention later tonight." He continued to sneer, but in a more pensive way.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Great!" I stared at him for a bit, waiting. "Alright. I'll start then." He snorted. "Did you have a pet?" Starting out simple was probably the best way to go.  
  
"I had a fwooper for about a week when I was eight," he replied sullenly.  
  
"What happened to it?" I asked.  
  
"My father strangled it."  
  
"Oh." Well, that kind of brought the conversation down rather early... Though, any mention of fwoopers reminded me of my father. "I had a kneazle that vomited whenever you used the word 'kettle.' It died of dehydration."  
  
"I had a niffler that tore up the kitchens. It was stomped on by a house elf."  
  
"I had a cornish pixie that the kneazle ate when I wasn't looking." It was starting to become a bit of a contest.  
  
"I had a nest of doxies that cannibalized each other when I forgot to feed them."  
  
"I had a dog named Old Yeller that I had to shoot with a muggle shotgun because he caught rabies." He stared at me for a long time. "Actually, that's not true. I saw it in a muggle film." He shook his head. "But I did have a dog that was probably put down. That's what they do when you return it to the kennel, I think."  
  
"Hmph." He shifted in his place, then pursed his lips. I could tell that he was angry for having divulged such information.  
  
"I bought my first vibrator when I was fifteen." Again, another one of those topics that was at the top of my mind. Professor Snape nearly toppled off the bed.  
  
"_Excuse me?_"  
  
"It wasn't a very good one. But you have to be of age to get one of those, with the penis shape and the rotating beads and clitoris stimulator. I got one over the summer, though, and it's very good- quiet, too." He seemed to be slowly recovering from his shock. "I don't really use it often, mostly for lack of time, but I like to start out by-"  
  
"_Be quiet you dunderhead!_"he hissed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Professor," I hastily replied in my most innocent tone. "Was I offending you?"  
  
"No more talking," he grumbled, rubbing his temples. I opened my mouth, but before I could get a single sound out he interrupted me. "None. Whatsoever." I nodded. He shifted on the bed before turning around to face away from me. Every so often he would shift again, as if he were uncomfortable. Minutes piled up until I couldn't stand to sit anymore and leaned over, laying down on my stomach. My feet were touching the headboard and my face was incredibly close to Professor Snape's back. I wanted him to be naked so much.  
  
"Can I talk yet?" I asked in a loud stage whisper. He jumped a bit, then turned around and nearly got tangled up with me, then fell off the bed with a yelp, dragging my arm with him. "Er... Sorry about that."  
  
"You are an utter fool!" he snapped, standing up and brushing himself off.  
  
"Well, you're an awfully snarky little thing, aren't you?" His eyebrows flew up at this statement; I suspected he hadn't really been expecting me to call him a "snarky little thing," and was rather put off by my wording.  
  
"You are wearing on my nerves, Miss Page," he growled in a dangerous voice.  
  
"There's no need to get angry over such a little thing, Fonzie."  
  
"...Excuse me?"  
  
"I said you don't have to get so angry over nothing." I conveniently left out the part where I called him Fonzie.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"Hey, Professor, what happens when a house runs out of points and still gets points taken off?"  
  
"I'm not quite sure," he snarled. "It's never happened before."  
  
"I guess we'll find out soon, then," I replied.  
  
"Harumph." He conjured a chair and sat down, looking anywhere but at me. Deciding that this would be the perfect time to study his jawline, I did so. Very, very nice... Hey, I have a thing about jawlines. So sue me.  
  
I must have spent about an hour staring at Professor Snape and examining every part of his delicious self before Madam Pomfrey came bustling back, looking very annoyed. "Alright, let me see." She got between us and examined the handcuffs for a bit, then tried the same spells that Professor Snape had tried before letting out a little grunt of exasperation. "We'll need a burning solution for this." She then looked over at Professor Snape and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Didn't you have one in the works?"  
  
"Yes," he growled. "But it won't congeal for another eight hours."  
  
"Well, then, you'll just have to wait here, won't you?" Professor Snape opened his mouth to protest, but instead was hit in the face by an old edition of "Witch Weekly" that Madam Pomfrey had tossed at him before running off to take care of the Transfiguration students. I was rather curious about them, actually.  
  
"Insufferable old beast," Professor Snape grumbled under his breath, flipping through the magazine. After a few seconds he snorted and threw the magazine down on the bed. I caught a glimpse of my first year Dark Arts professor, Lockhart, on the page before it slipped onto the floor.  
  
"You're always so grumpy," I commented listlessly.  
  
"So it would seem."  
  
"...I'm taking a nap."  
  
I woke up to Professor Snape yanking at my wrist, and blurrily surveyed his lovely demeanor and Madam Pomfrey holding a smoking vial of something. "Wake up!" he hissed, and Madam Pomfrey scolded him for being too rough with me.  
  
"Oh, wow," I groaned, sitting up. "Eight hours already?"  
  
"Just get up!"  
  
"Calm down," Madam Pomfrey chided. After I'd gotten myself properly awake, Madam Pomfrey performed some charms I wasn't really paying attention to on us, then forced us over to a big stone tablet on her desk. With a look of utter concentration, she carefully dribbled some of the steaming potion onto each bangle of the handcuffs, causing large portions of them to sizzle and dissolve. Since she'd put that charm on us, though, the potion just slid onto the stone tablet without even touching our skin.  
  
After the handcuffs had come off was when the real trouble started. "Or for the love of-" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed. On our wrists there were identical red rashes. "Of all the idiotic things!" I raised my eyebrows. "Who- in what- I'm reporting this to Albus!" She bustled off, but Professor Snape, also quite put out, followed her. He only got about five feet before his wrist trailed out behind him and he was suddenly tugged back, falling straight onto his bum.  
  
"MISS PAGE!!!" he bellowed, turning a strange shade of maroon.  
  
"Er... Yes?" He looked as if he was tugging an invisible cord and then, suddenly, I was on the floor as well.  
  
"LOOK AT THIS!!!"  
  
"A binding charm, then?" I asked calmly brushing myself off.  
  
"FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!!" I was dying to see what was happening to the Ravenclaw hourglass at that point.  
  
"DETENTION!!!" I screamed, flopping over onto my back. Professor Snape let out a long stream of swears, some of which I'd never heard before, until Madam Pomfrey returned with Dumbledore.  
  
"Severus!" she scolded immediately. "Watch your language in front of students!"  
  
"Indeed," Dumbledore agreed. "I would appreciate it if you stayed calm, Severus." It took him a few more minutes to run out of steam, but we (excluding Madam Pomfrey) waited patiently for him to stop. Eventually, he fell silent. He was still red in the face and panting slightly, and it made me think of naughty things. "Now, Miss Page, kindly explain what happened?"  
  
"Well," I began, "I was just minding my own business, studying for my N.E.W.T.s, when Professor Snape wanted to talk to me. I agreed, of course, and soon found myself on the receiving end of a marriage proposal. I was unsure, however, because of our student-teacher relationship, so he slapped a pair of handcuffs on us and proclaimed that he wouldn't remove them until I agreed to marry him." I paused for effect. "And that is _exactly_ what happened." Silence reigned supreme, and Professor Snape looked on the verge of another anxiety attack.  
  
"Ah." Professor Dumbledore removed his spectacles and polished them a bit on his robes. "I see. And that is the precise series of events?"  
  
"Yes," I confirmed. Professor Snape was starting to look murderous.  
  
"This is preposterous!" Madam Pomfrey insisted. "Severus, really, your conduct this year has been atrocious!" Oh, Professor Snape was really angry.  
  
"However, we must acknowledge Severus' wish," Dumbledore informed her. "Miss Page is well past the age of consent, and the school year is almost at its end-"  
  
"_ENOUGH!!!_" Professor Snape suddenly burst out. "Albus, you _know_ she's lying!"  
  
"Ah, but do I?" Dumbledore had that twinkling in his eyes that was always a good indicator of him being amused by a joke that nobody else knew.  
  
"YES, YOU DO!!! NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS!!!"  
  
"Really, Severus." Dumbledore was trying to act reproachful, but failing miserably. He just sounded extremely entertained. "You should mind your manners, especially around young ladies."  
  
"YOUNG LADY MY-"  
  
"Ah-ah-ah!" Dumbledore cut him off. "No more swearing, now. Allow me to examine your marks more closely." Professor Snape, looking vaguely like a large, gangly lobster, shut his mouth tightly as Dumbledore examined the red marks on each of our wrists. After a few minutes, he straightened himself and polished his spectacles again. "It is just as I had expected," he informed us. "This is a very advanced binding spell." He didn't sound very convincing. "I'm afraid it will take us at least through the night to find the proper counter-spell. You'll have to stay in the infirmary until then." Professor Snape's mouth dropped open as he stared at Dumbledore, clearly outraged. "We can't very well have you sharing quarters for the night," was his response to Snape incredulity. He then turned to me. "You'd best watch out for yourself, Nadia. Severus is _quite_ the scoundrel." He winked. Grinning, I gave him a little salute.  
  
"You bet, sir!"  
  
"And I'll be confiscating _this_ for the time being." He somehow managed to get Professor Snape's wand in his hand. And no, not _that_ kind of wand. "Have a good night, you two. And remember, this is a perfect opportunity for conversation." With that, he glided serenely out of the room, Professor Snape still staring at him.  
  
"Alright, then," Madam Pomfrey said briskly. "I'll get some pajamas and dress robes for you two." She then fixed a beady-eyed glare on Professor Snape. "And you'll be _separated_ by a privacy curtain, understood?" Professor Snape turned his half-disbelieving, half-affronted stare on her as she hurried off to get pajamas. I sniggered a bit behind my hand at the fact that everyone now thought that he was a depraved, sex- starved pervert.  
  
"Miss Page," he whispered, voice full of barely suppressed rage.  
  
"Yes?" I replied indifferently.  
  
"_Why?_"  
  
"Hm, no reason. I was just in a creative mood so I said the first thing that came to me. Pretty good, huh?" There was a moment's pause before he lunged at me.  
  
"SEVERUS!!" He stopped just short of strangling me and slowly turned to face Madam Pomfrey, who had returned with sleeping clothes. "HOW DARE YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULT A STUDENT IN THE HOSPITAL WING!?" I took the opportunity to slowly back away. Pff, sexual assault, I wish!  
  
"..._Excuse me?_" Snape snarled, baring his teeth.  
  
"Stop acting like a depraved animal!" she shrilled at him, throwing the pajamas in his face. "If you can't keep your raging libido in check then I'm going to have to keep you under surveillance!" He looked ready to start shouting at her, but instead settled for giving both her and me identical dirty looks before he walked over to the nearest privacy curtain and slipped behind it to change. Madam Pomfrey watched the area with narrowed eyes for a bit before handing me my set. "Here you go, dear," she said kindly. "I know this must be absolutely horrible for you, but it will all be over soon."  
  
"Thank you," I replied, trying not to laugh. I could see Professor Snape's silhouette stiffen behind the curtain, and knew that he'd heard every word of reassurance. Without a word, Professor Snape emerged with the hospital wing dressing gown tied tightly around himself in an attempt to hide the embarrassing striped pajamas. I went to change and noticed Madam Pomfrey keeping a close eye on Professor Snape, as if trying to keep him from sneeking a look at me. I suppressed another little chuckle. After I finished, she ushered us over to a couple of beds positioned beside each other, then ran off to check on the other patients.  
  
"...You are the most _horribly, disgustingly_... I can't even think of a noun. There are no words strong enough to describe you. You simply defy definition."  
  
"That's rather flattering of you, Professor," I replied. He glared at me from his bed. "Come here and give us a kiss."  
  
"If I had my wand..." He trailed off, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"Try to enjoy it," I advised. "You get a night off to just lie down and relax."  
  
"Not while you're around." There was a long silence.  
  
"You know, when you think about it, this whole situation is rather funny. Everyone thinks you're a dirty pervert and I'm the victim of repeated sexual abuse, when really, it's the other way around."  
  
"I am not amused." I eyed him for a bit.  
  
"I don't know how you ever managed to befriend _my father_, of all people." He raised an eyebrow. "I mean, you're so uptight. You act like you've got a hippogriff shoved up your backside. What did you two _do? _Did you just _study _all the time?"  
  
"No." I waited for elaboration.  
  
"What, then?"  
  
"Sometimes we played gobstones."  
  
"I'll bet you cheated."  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw. You are an outrage."  
  
"And you are an absolute sex god." Silence. "Sir," I added.  
  
"Just... Go to sleep."  
  
"I already slept. I'm not tired. Tell me what you did for fun in school."  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you still angry at me?"  
  
"Yes!" I sighed.  
  
"I'm sorry. I suppose I've been a bit of an ass."  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
"Shut it. Anyway, I'm sure you've had worse. And at least I'm not doing anything out of hatred towards you, right? Sir?" He grunted and tucked himself in, grumbling curses under his breath. Giving it up as a bad job, I rolled over and went to sleep.  
  
I'm not sure how long I was asleep, but when I woke up, Professor Snape was still swearing. As a matter of fact, his little monologue was what woke me up. "Bugger," I heard him mutter as I pretended to still be passed out. It sounded as if he was pacing. "Damn. It. All. To. Hell." I heard him walk to another part of the room, muttering under his breath. Then, he stopped, and the sound of rustling cloth filled my ears. I took a chance and opened one eye a tiny bit; he was facing away from me, taking something out of his dressing gown pocket. I couldn't see what it was, but he seemed rather interested in it. I closed my eye again as he started pacing once more.  
  
I wondered just what it was that he found so interesting, but I wasn't about to ask. I felt the bed shift as he sat down beside me and it took all my strength to stay perfectly still as his body heat warmed me. "You're more trouble than you're worth, you know that?" he muttered. I heard him sigh, and then there was a clapping sort of noise... Kind of like a box or a spectacle case being opened and closed again, over and over. "Scratch that," he muttered after a while. "Your _father _is more trouble than he's worth." He then put on a falsely sweet voice that was actually a rather good impression of my father. "'I won't hold wizards' debt over your head, Severus, oh no, just remind you of it every bloody time I see you.'" He grumbled a bit. "'Oh, yes, I'm a former drug-dealer turned embezzler, but I can still be father of the year. Would you like to make daisy chains and play hopscotch, Severus? Or maybe I could just arrange a larger part of your future for you, that sounds fun.'" He reverted back to his normal voice. "Damn hypocritical, shrewd, conniving, overly cheerful, cock sucking bastard!" The box snapped shut particularly loudly and I heard him shove it back into his pocket. There was a long pause before he spoke again.  
  
"You're not half bad when you're asleep, you know," he muttered softly. "Not even half bad. Not bad at all." He let out a short, bitter bark of laughter, then a long, heavy sigh. "I just really don't know what to do. I could _kill _Nathanyel for this, I really could. But then, you'd be angry with me, wouldn't you? I just can't deal with something like this. Not well, at least." There was a short pause. "Shit, what am I saying all this for, anyway? You're out cold. I should be grateful for it, though, since you'll probably act like a raving lunatic the moment you open your eyes. I'm going to _kill _Nathanyel! Honestly, the things he does on a sudden whim... Because he has one of his little _feelings_... I'm often the victim, if you'd believe it. It's always something with him. 'Hey, Sev, let's breed some puffskeins,' or, 'Sev, why don't we try to cure lycanthropy?' or, 'Come on, Sev, let's sell drugs to children!' Oh, and let's not forget the most famous of all, 'I've got a great idea! You can sign this contract and- '"  
  
"'Chew." I sneezed. I didn't mean to. But I did. There was a long period of silence, in which he let out a low growl.  
  
"Are you awake, Miss Page?" he asked dangerously. I shifted a bit and let out a small sigh, sloppily dropping my hand onto- ooh, his thigh... Oh, it's so nice and firm. "Silly girl," he muttered, though his tone was no longer quite as dangerous. He brushed my hand away before continuing with his monologue. "Dammit, why couldn't Nathanyel have had a boy? My life would be so much easier." He sighed. "No, no... Knowing him, that would just make things more complicated." He paused for a moment, apparently thinking. "Gods, I've never had such a conundrum on my hands. And Nathanyel really needs to get a life of his own and stop interfering with mine. What do you think?" He paused. "I knew you'd agree. You know, I'm starting to think this is a bit psychotic. Perhaps it's the fumes from the potions?"  
  
He stood from the bed, and I heard him pacing back and forth. There was a long sigh and then he started to speaking to me as if I was awake, again. Which I was, he just didn't know it. "I remember one stunt he pulled... On the last day of term, my seventh year, at the leaving feast... I remember, Nathanyel snuck down to the kitchens beforehand and spiked everyone's pumpkin juice with acid. Including the staff. Damn, that was a good trip..." What a fucking junkie. Haha.  
  
"Didn't know all you needed to be happy was some LSD," I muttered, groaning as I propped myself up. Professor Snape had apparently gotten warm in his thick dressing gown, seeing as it was crumpled on the floor, in the corner, and he was left in his infirmary issued striped pajamas, his hair tied back with a green ribbon that I could only suppose had appeared from nowhere. He turned a fetching shade of red, but I only grinned, probably looking drugged, feeling a bit sluggish from having just woken up and all. "There's something I've been wondering for a while, Professor. Perhaps you could clear it up for me. Are you or have you ever been a speed freak?" He growled.  
  
"I've only tested for Nathanyel," he snapped, obviously aiming to cause me pain. Which he did. I winced.  
  
"Low blow," I chided, sitting up completely, though I was still leaning my back against the headboard. He only grumbled something as he went for his dressing gown, quickly pulling it around himself. "You know, Professor Snape, I'm starting to think that I should just give up entirely on all Slytherins. After all, they all seem to end up hurting me..." I trailed off. Perhaps making light of my relationship with Blaise was not the wisest thing for me to do, in the respect of dragging up old memories. "Ahem. Sorry. You wouldn't know what happened with him, though, would you?" However, at the comment, he immediately averted his gaze, the color of his ears betraying him completely. "You _know? _How do you _know?_" He grimaced a bit.  
  
"Nathanyel informed me of the circumstances. Besides, the entire Order knew... So many gossips and eavesdroppers in there, one could hardly remain oblivious." I wrinkled my nose; yes, they _had_ all known, and not directly from Dad, either. I remembered how every time they thought I couldn't hear they'd shake their heads and say, "Poor girl," or, "Just fell for the wrong boy."  
  
"Right. I should have remembered _that_." I crossed my arms, looking away. I honestly didn't want to see Professor Snape looking disgusted on my account... Again.  
  
"...Are you..." A cough. "...Are you quite alright, Miss Page?"  
  
"Fine and dandy," I answered stiffly.  
  
"...You're sure?" I could tell he had suppressed the urge to add "I wouldn't want to lose my job" to it.  
  
"Certainly. I wouldn't want to bother a busy person like you with my insignificant little concerns, anyway."  
  
"Alright, good." He sat down on his bed, and the only sound for the following five minutes was that of a cricket incessantly chirping outside the window.  
  
"I like to masturbate while I think of you giving yourself oral sex," I commented lightly, just to see if I would get a response. Unfortunately, I did.  
  
"That's Nathanyel's specialty. Giving himself oral sex, I mean." I felt distinctly nauseous. EEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!  
  
"That was below the belt," I replied. "That was just really low."  
  
"Perhaps it will inspire you to go back to sleep."  
  
"No, it only inspires me to vomit."  
  
"Well, then, you can vomit in your sleep." I stared at him for a bit.  
  
"Alright, that's just wrong."  
  
"_Sleep_." He punctuated the command by crawling into his own bed and rolling over. Giving in, I sighed and just stared at the ceiling for a while, pretending to be asleep. Eventually, the sound of snores started to drift over from Professor Snape's bed. Grinning, I jumped up and crept over to get a good look at him, sprawling with his limbs in every direction, mouth hanging open. Awww. It certainly helped me get back to sleep.  
  
"_MISS PAGE!!!!!_" I woke with a start to see Professor Snape sitting up in bed, covering himself with the sheets like some sort of naked damsel in distress.  
  
"SEVERUS!" Madam Pomfrey had come by to see what the shouting was about. "HOW DARE YOU!? LURING A STUDENT INTO YOUR BED IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!!!"  
  
"I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT!!!" he bellowed back. I took the opportunity to snuggle up close to him.  
  
"Professor Snape was very kind to me," I informed Madam Pomfrey in a little innocent voice. "He stroked me until I fell asleep." She was mouthing wordlessly, going red in the face.  
  
"NO I DIDN'T!!" Snape protested loudly. "SHE'S LYING!!"  
  
"_**OUT!! GET OUT!!**_" Madam Pomfrey dragged him bodily from the bed and threw him towards the door. Unfortunately, due to Ginny and Luna's binding charm, I was thrown from bed as well. "Oh my! I'm sorry, dear!" Madam Pomfrey helped me up and tucked me back into bed. "AS FOR YOU!" She rounded on Professor Snape, brandishing her wand. Meanwhile, he was still on the floor with an extremely pained expression. "_Petrificus ansatus!_" His arms sprang stiffly to his sides, as if they'd been tied there. Madam Pomfrey then conjured an uncomfortable looking chair, placed it as far away from me as possible, and forced him into it. She then hurried off, presumably to inform Dumbledore of her discovery. Professor Snape glared daggers at me.  
  
"I'll kill you," he hissed.  
  
"You haven't succeeded yet," I replied apathetically, snuggling up in bed. "It's so nice and warm in here. I think you got the better bed." He snarled at me, baring his teeth. "Alright, hold on then." I got up, grabbed the sheets from my abandoned bed, and wrapped them around him. I then took my equally abandoned pillow and put it behind his head. "There we go." And I returned to my cozy perch. It actually had the effect of making him look like he'd been wrapped up in a cocoon. "Better?" He snarled again. Really, I was surprised he didn't bit me when he had the chance. "Oh, come on. It was just a joke." This didn't seem to convince him. "You've got to admit, the look on Madam Pomfrey's face was pretty priceless." Some reaction, but not much. "I mean, really. 'Severus! You filthy pedophile! Eek!' It was hilarious!" He grunted. "At least she didn't call you The Fonz." This statement was greeted with a sneer. "Don't be angry. We've still got five nights together, haven't we?" With his sneer still firmly in place, he managed to turn his chair around to face away from me. It looked like it was a lot of work.  
  
"Ah, Nadia, Severus!" I looked up to see Dumbledore approaching, his eyes sparkling more merrily than ever. "Excellent news. We've got the counter curse."  
  
"Thank Merlin!" Professor Snape breathed. Dumbledore surveyed him with mounting amusement.  
  
"I see you're rather incapacitated at the moment, Severus. Madam Pomfrey informed me of the circumstances, so once I free you I must remind you not to do anything inappropriate to Miss Page."  
  
"Does strangling her count?" I heard him mutter under his breath. Dumbledore acted as if he hadn't heard.  
  
"_Finite_." Professor Snape threw the sheets off of himself and stood up, looking rather sour. "Nadia?" I got out of bed and joined them. Dumbledore then proceeded to take our wrists, tap each in turn with his wand and... "_Finite incantatum_." Professor Snape stared at him, his jaw tick going off.  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"It took you all night to figure that out?" Dumbledore nodded.  
  
"Indeed it did." Without another word, Professor Snape stormed off to change into his robes, and once he'd finished that, proceeded to storm out of the infirmary. "Severus always did have a rather volatile temper," Dumbledore commented blithely.  
  
"Yes," I agreed. "I hope he isn't angry for too long."  
  
"Not to worry. He just needs some time to cool down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've run out of sherbert lemons and I need to stock up. Good day." So, I left the hospital wing and made it down to the Great Hall just in time for a late breakfast. I also managed to corner Ginny and Luna there.  
  
"Hey, that binding charm was genius!" Ginny, who had just been discussing that very subject with Luna at the Ravenclaw table, grinned.  
  
"I know. It was Luna's idea." Luna smiled.  
  
"I got the idea from the latest page nine article of _The Quibbler_."  
  
"Well, it was fantastic." I ate breakfast and told them the story of what had happened before we went outside to enjoy the sunshine and review for the N.E.W.T.s.  
  
In the evening, I went down to Professor Snape's office, but after several loud knocks there was still no reply. The door was locked, too. I concluded that he was still angry at me, and being a big baby, so I just went back to my dorm and finished off my homework for the week instead. Really, Professor Snape is so... Menstruate...ish... Never mind!  
  
The next day consisted of more school work, homework, and studying for the N.E.W.T.s. It was very boring and tiring, but at least I was getting something done. Luna tried to thrust another task on me, but I refused and we compromised by writing another love letter. It was very, _very_ steamy.  
  
Once evening came, I journeyed down to the dungeons for my detention/conference, hoping that Dumbledore had talked some sense into that big galoot. I knocked, but there was no answered. However, I found the door unlocked, so I entered. Professor Snape was nowhere to be seen, but his desk was an utter mess. Curious, I approached, circling around behind it and staring down at the scattered parchments. There were photographs, too. Wrinkled, yellow, worn and handled, with writing on the back or borders. There was one in particular that caught my eye, and I picked it up to look more closely. It was a photograph of my father, sitting on some steps with his elbows leaning on his thighs. He looked very thin and small, about twelve, his clothes hanging around him as if they were too afraid to touch his skin. He was sharp and mean-looking, staring up at me with narrowed eyes and a mouth full of scowls. I flipped it over to see spindly, slightly messing handwriting on the back. _Nathanyel; age 14. Just back from Japan_. I turned it over again, blinking down at him. He tilted his head slightly and surveyed me cooly, then mouthed something I couldn't quite make out. He looked younger than fourteen, but maybe because he was just so small. And he looked much more shrewd than I'd ever seen him.  
  
"Miss Page." I looked up and flushed at the sight of Professor Snape, lips thinned and glare fixed on me.  
  
"Er... I was just looking at this." I held up the photograph, causing Professor Snape to raise both eyebrows.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Is he really fourteen?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"He looks so small." I observed the photo again. He winked at me. "He was back from Japan?" Professor Snape nodded. "Why was he in Japan?"  
  
"He was staying with relatives." The answer was short, in clipped tones. "He was different, after coming back."  
  
"I can see." I put it down. "You knew his family?"  
  
"Yes." I glanced down at the desk again, and picked up a picture of Professor Snape. "If you like it that much, then take it. I have no use for it." I blinked a bit, then realized that he thought I'd picked up the picture of Dad again. I looked back down at the photo of Professor Snape. He was wearing a school uniform, with a beater's bat slung over his shoulder and sticking his tongue out at the camera. He was smiling, too, though. I turned it over; _Seventh year, September; finally got on the Quidditch team_.  
  
"Alright, I will." I pocketed it without rectifying his mistake. Just another photograph to add to my growing collection, after all. "So what about his family, then?"  
  
"Get out from behind my desk." He moved around to his seat and shooed me away, so I sat in the chair across from him; my usual spot.  
  
"Tell me. Were they awful?"  
  
"There's no point in dragging up the past," he grumbled.  
  
"Alright, then what about _your _family?" He growled.  
  
"_Nothing _about my family." He yanked a drawer open and swept everything off his desk into it. "Absolutely nothing."  
  
"You were an only child, though." He raised an eyebrow. "I can tell."  
  
"Thank you for informing me," was his sarcastic reply.  
  
"Were your parents around? Did they travel? Or did they die?"  
  
"They traveled. Enough of this!"  
  
"The Headmaster said that you had to tell me aaaallll about your life so I can write it. Yes, yes?"  
  
"_No_."  
  
"Do you look like anyone in your family? Did you live in a big house? Lots of servants and house elves and whatnot?"  
  
"I look like a lot of people in my family, my house is rather large, and there was a fair number of both, but they're all gone now." He glared at me. "Satisfied?"  
  
"Tell me more about your parents!" I insisted. "Where'd they go? Did you get a lot of stuff back from trips? Are they alive?"  
  
"They're dead!" he snapped. "Now drop it!"  
  
"Deeeaaad. OooOOOoooOOOooo!!! Ghooooosssts!!" I wiggled my fingers dramatically.  
  
"I'll kick you out if you keep that nonsense up. Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"So where did you live, huh? Somewhere dark and creepy?"  
  
"I live in Hogsmeade," he grumbled.  
  
"Oooooh, that must have been fun, growing up!"  
  
"Not particularly." He crossed his arms.  
  
"What's your problem, anyway? You're always so grumpy; you're just a big sourpuss, aren't you? Come on, smile!" I hooked my fingers inside my mouth and pulled it tight.  
  
"Stop making faces!" he scolded irritably.  
  
"I'm only trying to lighten the mood," I informed him. "Not working?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So... The Headmaster managed to even your temper out a little, I gather?" He sneered at me, but I just ignored it.  
  
"You might say that." He didn't look too pleased with the direction the conversation was going in.  
  
"You know, Professor, if you're this vague with me all the time then I'll never be able to write a decent report about you."  
  
"Good." I tried unsuccessfully a few more times to get Professor Snape to talk more about his family, but I just ended up getting thrown out. It was rather disconcerting.  
  
The next day was pretty fun-filled. Breakfast was... Interesting, to say the least. I have to admit, I was a bit naughty. I wanted to unnerve Professor Snape a little, since he was so bitchy about talking to me, and... While eating breakfast... Well... The sight of the tray of sausages gave me a very provocative idea. I took one and put it on my plate with the rest of my breakfast foods, then looked up at the staff table. Professor Snape seemed more involved in his meal than anything else, so I just stared at him, waiting for him to look up. Eventually, he did, and immediately made eye contact with me. Hah! Big mistake! Keeping eye contact, I slowly raised the sausage and slipped it into my mouth in a suggestive manner, sucking on it, if you could call it that, for a while. The whole time Professor Snape was transfixed in some sort of horrified fascination. His eyebrows flew up and his mouth fell open a bit as I put on the indecent display. Then, I slowly ran my tongue up and down the sides and swirled it over the very tip, watching him slowly turn a color closely resembling maroon. Then, I took the end of the sausage into my mouth again and bit into it, winking at him. Professor Snape blinked a bit, looking rather flustered, then scowled and snapped his head back down, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. I caught him shooting me very nasty looks for the rest of the meal.  
  
Then, during break period, I just happened to run into Colin. "Hi, Colin!" I greeted jovially. He let out a long sigh.  
  
"Hello, Nadia."  
  
"Alright, there?" I asked, giving him a little pat on the back. He lurched forward a bit and scowled at me.  
  
"Just fine." I grinned at him.  
  
"Good to hear."  
  
"I... Was meaning to talk to you." He was starting to look a little nervous now. "I thought... Well... I'm tired of being angry at you, now. I mean... It's kind of lonely spending most of my time with Denis. Irritating, too, by the way. Ginny and Luna are still around, but I don't see them as much, you know, the whole avoiding you thing."  
  
"Yes, it must be very difficult." He grunted.  
  
"So... I would like very much to be friends again." That was really good news to me. I missed Colin, as a friend.  
  
"Oh, huzzah!" I pulled him into a hug, but let him go when he raspily exclaimed that he couldn't breathe. "This is great. Hey, let's hang out at the next Hogsmeade weekend. It's the last one of the year- our last chance to relax before exams, right?"  
  
"Right. Yeah, that sounds... Good."  
  
"Great! See you around!" Then I went to afternoon classes, which were... Boring beyond all belief. Review, review, review. After that, I skipped off to pay Professor Lupin a visit. I'd decided that the best way to find out more about Professor Snape's family would be to consult a third party, and since Professor Lupin was the closest one... Whoosh.  
  
"Hello, Professor Lupin!" I greeted as I entered his office and made myself comfortable.  
  
"Hello, Nadia."  
  
"So I've got something important to ask." Getting straight to the point was always my style. "Do you know what Professor Snape's parents were like?" He raised his eyebrows. "I need to know. Professor Dumbledore wants me to write a report, and Professor Snape isn't cooperating." He looked a bit iffy on the subject. "Pleeeeaaassse?" Begging always helps.  
  
"Alright." He brushed his hair out of his eyes and leaned forward a bit. "But you can't tell anyone else about this, alright?" I nodded in agreement. "And keep in mind that this is only what I heard from Nathanyel, so it might not be entirely accurate." I nodded again, ready to listen. "Right. Okay. Well, from what I've heard... His parents didn't even know he existed, most of the time."  
  
"You mean they ignored them?"  
  
"I mean they _literally_ had no idea they even had a son." Oh, wow. That made me feel... Sort of guilty. For pushing the subject, and all. "Most of the time they were traveling, and when they were home they thought he was a servant boy. They fought a lot, too. Big, shouting rows right in front of him. And on the few occasions they actually recognized him as their child, they couldn't remember his name. Both very self-absorbed, his parents."  
  
"Yes, it certainly sounds like it." And while we were on the subject of parents... "What about my father's parents? What were they like?" I figured it was my best chance of finding out.  
  
"Oh, you don't want to know. Trust me on this, Nadia." Grrr! That's what Dad always tells me when I ask.  
  
"Please tell me! I mean, I know they were dark wizards and horrible and everything, but really... I don't know _anything_ about my dad's side of the family. I mean, you were there when I found out I was related to the Malfoys- it was certainly news to me!"  
  
"I don't think Nathanyel would appreciate it."  
  
"I don't think he's ever going to _tell me _anything. Please, Professor. You're my only hope." Princess Leia moment.  
  
"...Alright. But I'll only tell you a bit of it."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
"You won't be so enthusiastic once I'm through telling you." I shrugged and wiped the grin from my face. I love it when Professor Lupin caves easily! "Nathanyel's parents, as you must know, were less than pleasant. Florian Page and Viole Malfoy... Well, as holds true with most pureblood couples from old families, they were really more concerned with themselves than each other. Though, I'll admit, they at least had the common courtesy to remember they had a child. He wasn't exactly what either of them had in mind, though, especially considering he was an only child.  
  
"Florian was always furious with him. In his opinion, Nathanyel was... What was it? 'A worthless, muggle-loving ponce, unfit to bear the name of this family.' Or something along those lines. And Viole was always horrified by his lack of social graces and trying to... Refine him. He spent a lot of time with Lucius Malfoy. His parents thought that if they forced Lucius to look after him all the time, he might rub off a little on him. Well, Lucius _did_ rub off on him a bit... But not exactly in the way they'd have liked. Though, all things considered, Lucius was pretty alright. Aside from the sociopathic tendencies and muggle-hating."  
  
"What did his parents do for a living?" Professor Lupin gave me this look like 'fuck, don't you know?' He seemed to be weighing his answers in his mind.  
  
"Well, Viole, like most wealthy pureblood wives, merely stayed at home and practiced her social skills. Florian, meanwhile... Well, he dabbled a bit in politics and... The family business." I waited for elaboration. "You see... Everyone who comes from a magical background, in our generation at least, knows that the Page family... They... Let's just say it's always been considered a very bad idea to get mixed up with them. And a worse idea to cross them. The Pages have a reputation for being among the most ruthless of the old families. Every single Page was always either an assassin, a mad scientist, or both. Florian fell into the third category. And the sciences they studied... Were hardly enjoyable. Especially for the test subjects."  
  
"Well..." That was a surprise. "I suppose I've got a very sinister background, don't I?"  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid so."  
  
"Did you ever meet them? My grandparents?"  
  
"Once." He bit his lip a little. "I stayed with Nathanyel a bit over the summer holidays, after my fifth year... It took him, his uncle, and Lucius combined to keep his father and grandfather from turning me into a guinea pig. It was a summer I spent looking over my shoulder." Oh, wow. It sounded comical, in a way, though I knew it wasn't.  
  
"Well. Good to know. What about Professor Snape?"  
  
"From what I gather, they tried the same with him. And Nathanyel kept him from eating anything at meals, since all his food was poisoned." I stared. "You see, before that, the Pages and Snapes had been feuding for over one hundred years. It was quite a surprise to see Nathanyel and Severus together." He paused for a moment, then blushed lightly. "I mean- I mean not _together_- like- like- but, well, you know." With an embarrassed groan he covered his eyes with his hand. "That's twice I've called your father queer."  
  
"Actually," I corrected, "since the first time was a quote then that one doesn't count. So, really, you've only called him a queer once. And don't worry about it, anyway. People tend to do it an awful lot, especially when he gets in his girly moods."  
  
"Oh God."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I _love_ those moods." I made no comment. "I'm sorry." He turned pinkish again. "Hadn't realized I'd said that out loud." I tilted my head a bit, regarding him.  
  
"You're rather strange today. Did something happen?"  
  
"Nothing momentous." He seemed very happy about this thing that wasn't momentous.  
  
"Did it have anything to do with getting laid?" I asked slyly. Hey, I was curious.  
  
"Oh, no. Just... Tea with an old friend."  
  
"An old _sexy _friend?" He grinned a bit.  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"Alright, I get the hint. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more." I winked.  
  
"It was just a little harmless flirting. No need to get excited."  
  
"Oh, so you've got the hots for this mystery man?" He let out a little chuckle.  
  
"Alright, that's enough. You've got to study for exams, after all."  
  
"I get it, you don't kiss and tell." So we said our goodbyes and I was off.  
  
That night, in my detention with Professor Snape, it was difficult to get answers to my questions out of him. I told him about the time Uncle Kristo let me drive his car when I was ten and I nearly ran down the bishop, and the time that Aunt Roula brought over her rich boyfriend (who was about seventy) and he had a stroke in the middle of dinner. Still, his tongue didn't loosen. I needed some way to get him to tell me about his past... But how? I had no choice but to go to the only man who could help me. That's right. _Him_.  
  
I wrote my father about my dilemma with Professor Snape (he always seems to understand these sorts of things, so I treat him as a confidante) and the very next day a yellow fwooper came swooping into the Great Hall, with two letters; one was for me, and the other was for... Professor Snape. I got a rather ominous feeling in my stomach as the fwooper (her name is Sweetheart) picked some food from his plate and flew off again, warbling her song all the way. I immediately ripped open my letter, reading it over.  
  
"Don't worry about the letter I sent to Severus, Nadia. Your letter just reminded me that I hadn't written him in a while and I thought it would be nice to catch up." Woo, that was a relief. I went on to find a few important bits, and they were indeed important. "Severus has always been one for intellectual stimulation. Just get him alone and have a decent, _non- sexual _conversation with him, he'll think you're the greatest thing since pewter cauldrons." Alright, how do I do _that? _"He has a certain routine, and I'll be damned to the deepest circle of hell if he hasn't yet changed it. Every Friday, Saturday, and Monday he goes to the library for a few hours in the evening. I believe half past three until dinner time, you'll find him there, reading or brooding or doing something equally angsty, that little tit. He has a certain special place, and you'll have to keep it to yourself, because if anyone else finds out he'll kill me. Hell, if he finds out I even told _you_ he'd kill me. In any case, go to the far end of the library, to the really thick volumes of old muggle and history books. You'll find a bookcase a few paces from the corner that doesn't quite match the rest, covered in cobwebs. There's a tiny crawlspace behind it, if you care enough to look, and when you squeeze through it you'll find that the wall is just an illusion, and you'll be led into a small reading nook. It's an excellent place for snogging, I'll add, and if Severus finds that I've told you about it, you tell him I said that." A small grin crept across my face.  
  
"Interesting letter?" Luna asked, still absorbed in her breakfast.  
  
"Indeed," I answered, turning back to it.  
  
"Another place you'll catch him," Dad went on, "is in the prefects' bathroom. Since you're a prefect, I doubt you'll have any trouble finding it. Every Wednesday night, at one minute to midnight, he goes to the prefects' bathroom for a nice, long bath. He was a prefect in school, you know. Now, he's probably nicked the password from a Slytherin so he can sneak in there and hog the place. I think this would be a very forward and rather voyeuristic approach, but you could always claim that you came for a bath and had no idea he'd be there. It's not every day you find a teacher using a bathroom for prefects, anyway, is it? Also, Thursday and Sunday nights he usually likes to go out for a little fly. You could check the Quidditch pitch around eleven, but I really can't guarantee that he'll be there. Sometimes he used to take off over the Forbidden Forest, or take a little peek into the girls' dormitories. Perhaps you could wave that stubborn old peeping Tom over to your window somehow? Doubt your roommates would appreciate it, if they woke up, but let's be realistic- Luna's the only one who isn't a snotty little bitch, anyway, and I don't think she'd mind, do you? I don't think he ever found the Ravenclaw dormitories back in school, though it's undoubtedly what he's been looking for; so, if you see him and decide to call him over, don't call him 'Professor.' Mustn't give yourself away, eh? A nice list of things to call him by is: Severus, Sev, Bollocks, Tit, Sniffly Snufflepuss, Puffskein Pants, and Tinker Toy. Be forewarned: Many of these should be used with the utmost caution."  
  
The rest of the letter was just a bunch of questions and the usual pleasantries. I had what I needed, though, and I decided to keep the letter some place discreet, until I memorized the Professor's schedule.  
  
I was quite lucky that it was a Saturday, so I wasn't kept busy with anything that afternoon, and I had homework as an excuse to make a trip to the library at quarter to four. When I got there, I followed Dad's directions as best I could, and sure enough, I came across a bookcase that was mismatched and covered in cobwebs. And, sure enough, I was able to quietly squeeze behind it, into the crawlspace, where the wall was fake and I was led to a reading nook. And, finally, sure enough, there was Professor Snape, facing the opposite direction, sitting at a small table and immersed in some tattered old book, his hair pulled back into a rather fetching ponytail with a black ribbon. His robes were draped over an empty chair and he sat in only a crisp white button-down shirt and black trousers. He snorted softly, and for a moment I thought he knew I was there, but then I heard him mutter to himself. "Mermaids turning to sea foam, _honestly_, the things these muggles think up..."  
  
Silently, I turned around, and picked out a rather promising book from the shelf. _Treasure Island_, how absolutely perfect. I walked over to the table and wordlessly plopped down in the seat across from him, opening the book and relishing the crackling sound the old binding made as I did so. I took in the smell of the book, a wonderful smell of old ink and aged parchment, then turned to the first page. I was three pages into the book before Professor Snape finally said anything to me. "Miss Page?" he growled softly.  
  
"Yes?" I asked, not looking up from the book.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Reading," I answered. "Imagine my surprise when I found you, Professor, of all people. You see, I usually come here on Tuesdays and Thursdays to clear my head, but I had a lot to think about today, so I thought I'd pop in. I'd no idea you knew about this place, too." It was a very smooth lie, made even more believable by my casual tone and the fact that I never once glanced up from my book, keeping a perfect poker face.  
  
"And what are you reading?" he asked begrudgingly.  
  
"_Treasure Island_," I replied. He scoffed a bit.  
  
"I should have known."  
  
"Well, judging by your muttering," I answered, "I'm pretty sure that you were reading _The Little Mermaid_." I paused to let my accusation sink in before I delivered another small blow. "I thought that tale was for little girls." The silence was almost deafening. I decided to drop the subject. "So, have you ever read _Treasure Island?_"  
  
"Yes," he replied tersely. "Three times." Wow, that's a lot. "I've read all the books in this niche. This mermaid story is rather depressing, actually. Almost as depressing as seeing you." I ignored that last bit.  
  
"I know, but muggles made another version with a singing Rastafarian crab and a happy ending. It's in the form of a muggle film, I'm sure you know what those are." He nodded, glaring faintly. How he managed that, I'm not sure. "It's directed towards children, but the scenery animation is stunning, the songs are quite entertaining, and it's really worth a watch, if you have the time or the resources." He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yes. Another good fairytale kind of movie is _The Labyrinth_-" He let out a soft groan and reached up to rub his eyes. "You know it?"  
  
"Nathanyel," he answered, grinding his teeth a bit. "He sang. And he sang. And he sang. Back in the Order, last year. Dance magic, dance. He'd jump out from behind corners and shout, 'You remind me of the babe!' at me. _In front of people_. In front of the _Weasley twins_." He groaned again. "I'm willing to bet he's the one who told you about this place." I tried to mask my look of guilt, but he caught it. "I knew it."  
  
"He says that it's excellent for snogging," I informed him, remembering my father's request.  
  
"And I know exactly what he had in mind," Professor Snape grumbled.  
  
"He also called you an angsty little tit," I added, just because I felt like it.  
  
"I suspected as much, the great grinning git. You can tell him to stick a hypodermic needle up his arse and shit heroine, that-" He stopped abruptly, obviously spotting the look on my face at the reference to drugs. He cleared his throat a bit, looking uncomfortable. "Miss Page," he muttered, rather gruffly, "that business is all in the past. You should know that Nathanyel and... and I... regret it." He fell silent, turning his gaze back to his book. Apparently, the conversation was over for he was once again immersed.  
  
I tried to read my book, I really did. But I just kept looking up at him. Though his hair was pulled back, a few loose strands hung in his face, and... God, those eyelashes were long and full. After a few minutes he snapped the book shut, stood and replaced it on the bookshelves, his eyes scanning over it. I took in his exquisite form, my eyes resting momentarily on that absolutely marvelous backside of his, when he gave a grunt of frustration. "Something wrong, Professor?" I inquired innocently.  
  
"I've read all of these before," he growled, waving his hand dismissively as he turned from the bookshelf. "I need something new." Agitated, he turned back to the bookshelf and glared at it, as if it had done something wrong. I bit my lip to keep from sniggering, and, suddenly struck by inspiration, I pulled my bag out from under the table and dropped it on the polished surface, rummaging around for my latest read. "What are you doing?" he grumbled, crossing his arms. I didn't answer as I pushed the SSS journal out of the way (heh) and finally grabbed the book I'd been looking for. I dropped my bag on the floor and set the book on the table, before Professor Snape's unoccupied seat. He approached warily, staring down at the book as if it were a blast-ended skrewt.  
  
"_City of Bones?_" he asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. I had just finished it the previous day, and happened to have it sitting in my bag, so I had no qualms about lending it to him. After all, I think he'd like it.  
  
"It's a good book," I told him. "With excellent characters. I've finished it, so why don't you give it a try?" He slipped back into his seat, still staring at the book.  
  
"This is a muggle book?" I nodded. He seemed to consider a moment longer before cracking it open and burying his nose in it. Mwahaha! So, I continued with Treasure Island and we sat together, quietly reading. It was very nice. After a long while, he marked his place, snapped the book shut, and stood.  
  
"Have a nice evening, Professor."  
  
"A pox on you." And he gathered his things and left.  
  
That evening, though, he was willing to open up a bit more. He told me more about his school days and what he did with Dad. Apparently, Professor Snape was the one who taught Dad how to properly handle a broom. Although, that didn't turn out too well, as he informed me. He also mentioned Tuscany, and that he and Dad went to Greece as well. "Did you meet anyone extremely obnoxious there?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"They were probably related to me."  
  
He managed to tell me a sufficient amount about himself during the rest of the detentions, too. Finally, it came to tonight. The last night. Aww, sad. "Have a seat, Miss Page."  
  
"I love you." Which was encoded as a secret message within, "Alright." I, however, didn't feel this was sufficient. "Professor, I just want to let you know that getting to know you over this past week has been not unpleasant." There we go.  
  
"How flattering of you," he grumbled sarcastically.  
  
"You're welcome. Anyway, I thought we could just spend this evening snogging."  
  
"I'm afraid not. Ten points from Ravenclaw."  
  
"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew how good a kisser I am."  
  
"Another ten points. Now ask me something."  
  
"Er... Hm." I thought for a long moment. "What makes you happy? And I mean _really_ happy, not just like "yay" but more like boner-inducing. You know what I mean." He glared at me. "Well, not literally, of course."  
  
"Not being near you makes me happy."  
  
"Something more plausible." Haha, the look on his face.  
  
"Brewing a difficult potion."  
  
"Too predictable. Anything else?"  
  
"Just-washed warm sheets." Oh, yum.  
  
"Continue. Give me your top five." He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Slytherin students turning out to be relatively normal individuals."  
  
"Too bad Draco failed you there."  
  
"Indeed. And being able to relax all day."  
  
"You have one more to go." He seemed reluctant to answer, and muttered something that sounded vaguely like "Die, Albus."  
  
"...Nathanyel. Happy?"  
  
"Oh, most certainly." That is SO SWEET!!! AWWWWW!!!!!!! "Are you hungry?" He grunted. "We could go steal grape leaves from the house elves. I gave them my mother's recipe." He hesitated before swiftly standing up.  
  
"If it will shut you up." But he seemed rather eager.  
  
"Dolmades, here we come!" Whoopee!!  
  
"You are a dolt." So, we sat in the kitchens and ate Greek food for the rest of the detention. This spurred on another series of stories from my childhood. There was the time that a fly laid eggs in my cousin's you- know-what and they started hatching at the beach, the time that Dad gave me a mohawk (I was five) and the time that Fred and George Weasley let loose a nest of bowtruckles in our house. That was rather mild, by their standards. Then again, they were only nine. In turn, Professor Snape told me about the time that Dad accidentally made Snape Sr.'s posterior... Explode. Wow, I would have been angry enough to use an unforgivable, too, to be honest. And then (now this scared me) about how when Dad was fifteen he hit on Professor McGonagall non-stop for a week. Apparently, members of the staff who were present at the time still make fun of her for it whenever he's mentioned. However, it all ended far too soon.  
  
"Promise me you'll always hold these special times in your heart, Professor." He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Oh, you're cruel." We stared at each other. "Well, see you tomorrow, then."  
  
"I certainly hope not." As soon as I got back to my dormitory, I got to work on that paper about Professor Snape. Plus, I had Professor Lupin and Dad as references as well. And, as they say, the more references the better! Now it's sleepy-time.  
  
**- - May 25 - - **  
  
A few things happened, but nothing big. I managed to forbid any more SSS tasks until my paper about Sexy Severus Snape was done, so I had plenty of free time to work on that. Plus, I got to talk to him for a bit again.  
  
It was Tuesday, and I had felt like getting away for a while, so I thought I might as well turn my lie to Professor Snape into truth and go to that little reading nook in the library. I brought the Wizarding Wireless Network with me, and cast a silencing charm around the niche, then turned it to the muggle music station. Then, I grabbed _Treasure Island _from the bookshelf, then settled down and cracked it open. After about an hour of reading, I got a little fidgety and turned upside down in my chair, my legs draped over the back and my back against the seat as I held the book over my head, which was hanging off the edge. After a bit, I heard a shuffling as someone entered the nook, and waited for him cough, cough to say something scathing. There was a long pause... Longer than I had expected originally. Then, finally, after I'd gotten through another two pages, he spoke. "What are you doing?"  
  
"You seem to ask that a lot," I answered. "Though, the answer always seems rather obvious. I wonder why you can't see it?" I kicked my legs a bit.  
  
"I meant, why are you upside down?" I shrugged.  
  
"I got fidgety, and I felt like being upside down." When he didn't answer, I continued. "Why are you here, Professor? I thought you didn't come on Tuesdays." He hesitated before answering.  
  
"I need a break. Or should I check with you first?" I snorted. Professor Snape was not going to fool me with _that _tone. He just can't resist my sweet loving. "Well, I need some place that isn't infested with filthy brats," he snapped. "Although finding you here is a setback."  
  
"Have you tried your quarters?" I suggested innocently.  
  
"As if I want to look at your poor excuses for homework," he growled. He then groaned a bit as he dropped into his seat, which was punctuated by a "thump." "I've better things to do with my time."  
  
"I see." I looked at him over the edge of my book; he was sitting across from me (upright, of course) and opening to his marked place in the book I'd lent him. He'd already shed his robes and had his shirt untucked, yawning a bit. Such a pretty man. I hid my smile behind my book, but he managed to see it, somehow.  
  
"What are you smiling at?" he asked warily.  
  
"I was just entertaining the thought," I replied idly, "that perhaps you had come to see me." He cleared his throat a bit at this and scoffed, but I knew that would be his response. "I'll let you get back to your book, then, Professor." I turned back to my book as he gave a grunt of acknowledgment, feeling rather tired. My grogginess had been the reason I'd wanted to find a place to relax... And that yawn really was contagious.  
  
After a bit, I just dropped my book and sat up, leaning over the table and resting my head in my hands, watching Professor Snape. Suddenly, he looked up at me, raised an eyebrow, and smirked. I would have said something, but my voice seemed to be caught in my throat, for some reason. Slowly, he stood and walked around the table to me, then pulled my chair out and around to face him. Then- I was really astonished- he plopped down into my lap. Professor Snape was _straddling _me. He leaned down, still smirking, and gently brushed his lips against mine. My heart was racing and my breath was hitching, but it was so good. I felt his hand moving up my thigh, and then- I fell out of my chair.  
  
"Oof!" Apparently, I'd fallen asleep in my chair, and had just slid off. I unceremoniously climbed to my feet, supporting myself on the table. When I caught sight of Professor Snape giving me a curious look, I'm certain I blushed a bit.  
  
"Interesting dream?"  
  
"Only because you were in it."  
  
"I believe I'll disregard that," he grumbled. "And five points from Ravenclaw for making so much noise." Long pause. "I suppose I should ask if you're hurt."  
  
"Well, it doesn't feel like it."  
  
"Hm. Too bad." He turned back to the book and continued reading. After a few more minutes, I glanced up at him, chewing my lip.  
  
"Professor?" He grunted. "I enjoy spending time with you." He hesitated, then slowly looked up, staring at me. He seemed rather confused.  
  
"You... What?"  
  
"I enjoy spending time with you," I repeated.  
  
"Hmph." He turned back to the book, disregarding me.  
  
"I'll take that as a 'thank you,'" I muttered, massaging my backside.  
  
"It wasn't."  
  
"Oh, suck my cock."  
  
"Twenty points from Ravenclaw!"  
  
"Suck my BIG BLACK COCK!!"  
  
"Shh!"  
  
"Who's back there?" The shrill voice of Madam Pince drifted along, immediately coaxing us to tense silence. We both sat perfectly still, holding our breaths, listening to her footsteps pass close by. There was some shuffling and muttering before the footsteps faded. It was a long while before either of us thought it safe to start breathing again.  
  
"Ten points from Ravenclaw!" Professor Snape whispered furiously.  
  
"I don't care!" I replied quietly. "And stop trying to look at my cock!" Hey, it was funny.  
  
"I most certainly was _never_- ten points! No, make it twenty!"  
  
"Old biddy." There was a long period of silence before I burst into laughter. This was just getting far too absurd.  
  
"Well, at least _someone_ is amused," Professor Snape grumbled crossly.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry- this is just too hilarious. I mean, it's ludicrous! Wouldn't you agree?"  
  
"Not particularly."  
  
"Augh, you're so contrary all the time. I'll bet if I was in a horrible mood you'd be absolutely giddy, wouldn't you? Actually, I know that for sure, because I've _seen_ it."  
  
"Think what you want."  
  
"I'll bet my cock is bigger than yours."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Oh yeah, I'm eighteen inches of redwood, baby!"  
  
"Enough!" I chuckled a bit.  
  
"Sorry. It's just so funny to see you get flustered like that."  
  
"I am not flustered," he growled.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Harumph." He went back to the book, which he was almost done with.  
  
"Are you up to the part when-"  
  
"_Be quiet_." I shrugged.  
  
"Fine. I'll just sit here and read." Which I did. It was actually very comfortable, sitting with Professor Snape and reading quietly. However (and I was very disappointed) it wasn't long before dinner time rolled around, and I had to leave. "Goodbye, Professor. Don't forget to return that book, now."  
  
"Uhuh. Right." He wasn't paying attention to me _at all_, of course. So, I spent most of my time revising for the N.E.W.T.s. Ugh, I can't wait until they're through. Sheesh.  
  
**- - May 31 - - **  
  
Only one new task was carried out so far. It was Colin's idea, actually. I had to leave bunches of ugly flowers in odd spots (like, for instance, in Firenze's Divination classroom) addressed to Professor Snape. They would be signed, "Your little sex kitten." We decided to use Professor Flitwick's handwriting in order to disguise my identity. It was rather funny to see Professor Snape's face when odd teachers would present him with the bouquets they'd found (especially Hagrid, hoho) and very amusing when Peeves started picking the flowers out of the one he'd found and bombarding Snape with them. He was singing a rude song he'd made up about the Professor and his apparent inclination towards the students (as in, me) as he did so, and even though I felt very bad for him, I still secretly found it hilarious. Eventually, though, I managed to lure Peeves away by telling him that Professor Trelawny was in the Great Hall, and just happened to be wearing frilly knickers. Which was true- I'd heard it from a bilingual Hufflepuff who'd translated from Ginny's Hunkalicious Stud. Plus, you know, I saw them when Peeves blew her robes up. Yuck. Anyway... Today. Right.  
  
Today was the last day of May (duh) and the day of the Quidditch cup. I may not have reported most of the other Quidditch games, but as I've stated before, I'm not much of a Quidditch fan. Still, this was the final match, between Slytherin and Gryffindor, so I just _had_ to watch it. I was feeling torn, really, between rooting for Ginny (she's a chaser) and the Slytherin team (Snape is sexy.) When I got to the pitch, Professor Snape was sitting in the Slytherin section and wearing a rather festive set of green robes, a conveniently empty seat beside him. Seeing my opportunity, I immediately occupied it. "How do you think the new seekers will measure up?" I asked jovially, plopping down beside him.  
  
"I- go away!"  
  
"Don't be so sour. Aren't you excited?"  
  
"Not with you here!" I would have replied, but then a cheer rose from the crowd as the two teams walked onto the pitch.  
  
"Go Slytherin!" I called out. "Knock 'em dead, Ginny!" Professor Snape looked appalled.  
  
"Are you actually rooting for both teams?"  
  
"Well, more like just Ginny. She's my friend, after all. Though, her aside, I'd prefer Slytherin to win. THAT WAS A FOUL!!!" Honestly, some of those new Gryffindor players actually play like Slytherins. Which isn't a bad thing, unless they're actually playing against Slytherin. I watched the game a few more minutes before Ginny managed to score a goal. All the Slytherins started booing and hissing. "Nice going Ginny!" Which I said very softly. Professor Snape snorted, but I ignored it.  
  
It was another half hour, with Gryffindor ahead by twenty points, before the snitch was spotted. You could tell because... Well, it was right in front of Professor Snape and ourselves. And suddenly, watching the two seekers hurtling toward us, sitting in the front row seemed like an exceptionally bad idea. Especially since the new Gryffindor seeker had very poor broom control at high speeds. It didn't help that he had a Firebolt, either. The snitch, sensing it's predators, fluttered closer to us, then turn at a ninety degree angle and plunged toward the ground. The Slytherin seeker followed its path, but Gryffy boy seemed to be having a little trouble. Wonderful. "WHOA!" I grabbed Professor Snape, who'd had his eyes glued on the Slytherin seeker, by the collar and yanked him to the ground. A crash and several loud screams and hoots of joy from our section told me two things: Slytherin had won the Quidditch cup, and most of the people behind Professor Snape and I had been injured by the Gryffindor team's wayward seeker.  
  
"Miss Page!"  
  
"Look behind you, Professor." He snapped his head over his shoulder, blinked, and stared at the damage for a while. Then he turned back to me. "Now would be a good time to thank me," I reminded him.  
  
"Hmph. I suppose." He pushed himself back to his feet, brushing off his sexy green robes. I hoisted myself up as well, using his arm as leverage, then looked down at the field. The Gryffindors were looking disheartened and angry (mostly at their own seeker) while most of the Slytherins had exited the stands to hoist the FEMALE seeker on their shoulders and cheer. Well, that'll teach them to be sexist about sports. Anyway... Professor Snape turned back to the people who'd been hit by the idiot boy seeker, one by one hoisting themselves up and wandering away to join the party. "Are there any serious injuries?"  
  
"I don't think so," one very unsteady voice replied. The Gryffindor seeker said nothing, as he was out cold.  
  
"Alright, good." With that, he swept off. I followed him, of course.  
  
"Wheee, Slytherin won! Aren't you happy, Professor?"  
  
"That trophy is going to look _so_ good in my office," he muttered dreamily, making a beeline for Professor McGonagall. I would have followed him further, but then I spotted Ginny and decided to go talk to her, maybe cheer her up a little.  
  
"Hey, Ginny!" I cried, slapping her on the back. "That was a good game, wasn't it?"  
  
"Easy for you to say," she replied. "We _lost!_" Alright, so that didn't work so well.  
  
"Well, yes. I feel bad about that." And I truly did. "But... Just look at how _happy_ he is," I sighed. Ginny followed my slightly glazed-over gaze to observe Professor Snape smirking and gloating horribly to Professor McGonagall, who looked rather irritated.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure he is." She eyed me a bit shrewdly.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"You've really got it bad, haven't you?"  
  
"No!" Alright, yes. She just shook her head and loped off to go change and shower.  
  
I glanced over at Professor Snape, who was looking positively orgasmic, before deciding not to ruin his mood. He looked as if he wanted to be alone for a while to masturbate with that trophy, anyway. Heehee. Ooh. So instead I ran off to envision that while I played a little game of my own. And... Well, that's basically what I've been doing ever since. And I'll think I shall continue. I'm going for a new record, after all: ten orgasms in one day. It's certainly a nice break from studying, that's for sure. And tomorrow's June! Wow, so close to exams and the end of school! Alright, not thinking about that. Thinking about Professor Snape touching himself in the secret back passage (as Colin likes to call it) and... Ooh, more naughty ideas. Alright, I've got to stop writing and start getting down to business. Ta.

* * *

Credits: Defending Snape's virtue was donated by Jenna Potter. Thank you for giving me an excuse to write in a cat fight. Tasks from or inspired by List of 404 Ways etc. - Tackling Snape and handcuffing him. But the binding charm was all me, baby. Also, forgive me for the strangeness of the conversation in the photograph interrogation segment. I'd just finished watching FLCL. Right. Next chapter: Another appearance by Nathanyel (he's become a regular character now, anyway) and some Creevey slash. Whoo get your groove on, Denis! Plus, the next chapter will encompass the entire month of June, which includes N.E.W.T. exams (but those are boring so I won't spend much time on them) and Nadia leaving school. Which means... Sev finally finds out about the SSS and also... It's the moment of truth. Will she get the kiss? Or will she fail? And will she ever see sexy Sevvie again? Well, there's only one way to find out. Heehee. And special thanks to VivaciousValerii, my official advisor on all things SSS! Couldn't have done it without you, birthday girl. 


	14. Leaving Loose Ends

To apwbdsgirl: Both your requests will be honored, all in good time. Promise. And nobody worry, even though Nadia's leaving school by the end of this chapter, it isn't the last one! After this is another chapter, and then an epilogue. After that, a sequel. Whoopee! Mmm, Nathanyelicious.  
  
And a notice for those who are interested: NEW FIC! in the SSS universe. "It's Not Easy Being Green," the story of Sev and Nathanyel's school days. A few people wanted it to happen, including me, so I did my civic duties. Mwahahaha!  
  
NOTE!!!!!: There's a link to a little bonus drabble of Sev's POV in the author's notes at the end of the chapter. If you don't read the chapter first, though, you'll probably have no idea what's happening. So no skipping ahead, naughty children!  
  
Disclaimer: JAMES!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

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Chapter 14: Leaving Loose Ends  
  
**-- June 4 --**

Whoo, so much studying! And N.E.W.T. in what... A little over a week I think. Argh! So, first day of June. Hot as hell, and even more humid. Which was absolutely torturous, especially since I'm crap at cooling spells. Luckily, Luna knows them well enough, so I had her cooling me down most of the day. Breakfast was fun, too, since one of my love letters to Professor Snape had arrived. Professor Lupin, who had taken to the habit of reading over his shoulder quite easily, turned just as red as he did, but looked much more amused.

I also got a letter from Dad thanking me for his birthday gifts. I'd sent them a bit late (oops... Heheh.) I'm glad he liked what I got him. Let's see... There were... Several old, cheesy yellow-backed novels I'd gotten from a bin at a ninety percent off sale in Hogsmeade a while ago (he actually likes those, he thinks they're hilarious) a little pink toy fwooper that flies around and sings, a card that I wrote myself about how he's a good Daddy even though he's a bastard sometimes, and... Alright, I know it's gross, but I love my dad, so I'm willing to traumatize myself a little for his happiness. The frilliest, prettiest men's underwear I could find. Hard to believe it was men's underwear at all, really. He's a weirdo, alright? And last time I folded laundry most of his underwear was full of holes, which is even worse than pink silk, so there. Alright, I'm going to shut up about my dad's underwear now.

And of course, since I'd finished my report about Professor Snape, the tasks were back on. They were going to be difficult to fit in between bout of studying, but I vowed to try my best. First task I was given: fake orgasm during potions. Give all the credit to Professor Snape. Luna had come up with that one, and I was thoroughly proud of her. We decided not to tell Colin, since he was still so fragile.

Today was double potions, so that was when I did the task. I waited until I'd finished all my work, of course, before starting it. I had my cauldron cleaned and my potion neatly bottled on his desk, plus a spare (just in case my orgasm caused him to break it in a fit of rage.) I looked around at Luna, and she grinned. "Ohhhhh," I murmured huskily. A few people around us looked over with puzzled expressions, but most of them hadn't heard me. "Uuuhhhhh," I moaned, louder this time. A few more people stared. "Ohhhh, yes. Uhhhhh..." I gripped the table and let my eyelids droop, panting. Professor Snape had looked up from something he was writing, and his mouth was currently hanging open in his barely contained horror. "Uhhh, ohhh yesss... Oh, yesss..." I ran one hand up my neck and face, then through my hair. "Yes, ohhh, yes!" Professor Snape, scowling, got up and prowled towards me.

"Miss Page!"

"Professor!" I shouted. "Oh, yes! Yes! YES YES YES YES YES!!" I started slamming the table with my hands along with all the yessing. "YES _YES!!! _OHHH OH, PROFESSOR!!! UHHHH OHHHH!!!" I then slumped down in my chair, panting heavily. "Ohh, oh... Hoo." Several of the boys in the class looked very pleased by the display. Too bad that didn't include Professor Snape.

"Miss Page," he hissed, "I have no idea what you've been doing in my class, and I don't _want_ to know, but I will _not_ have you disrespecting my authority!"

"Oh, please, Professor," one of the Hufflepuff boys piped up, "don't punish her. We didn't mind so much."

"Well _I_ do, Mr. Ito! Ten points from Hufflepuff for your attitude! Detention, Miss Page!" he barked. "In my office at nine!" I know it probably wasn't a very appropriate thing to think... But my mind was running somewhere along the lines of 'Ooh, detention with hot sexy Professor Snape, whoopee!' So, I vacated the classroom, thoroughly looking forward to my detention. Nothing much else happened during the day, except that Luna, Ginny, _and_ Colin cornered me after classes to give me another task.

"This one is brilliant," Ginny informed me.

"Yes, it's very good," Colin agreed.

"It's alright," Luna conceded.

"Then tell me," I insisted. Bwah!

"Here's what you do," Ginny informed me. "Charm an hourglass like the ones that count house points to float over Professor Snape's head. Then, give and take points however you see fit."

"And how does that display my love for Professor Snape?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Well, only give and take points for things like... Having a sexy ass, or making bedroom eyes or something of the sort. How does it sound?"

"It sounds awfully nice," I said, "but how am I supposed to get the hourglass to... Oh, I don't know... Exist?"

"We've already got a charm for it," Ginny replied, grinning. "Colin's been working on it for a while."

"Oh, that's sweet of you, Colin." He smiled the smallest of smiles.

"You can do it during your detention tonight," Luna cut in.

"Nah, wait until tomorrow," Colin argued. "When everyone can see."

"Alright, alright," I sighed. "Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go on patrol." After all, a prefect's work is never done. But afternoon patrols are so boring. At least during night patrol I get to catch couples snogging all over the place. Like that time last year when I found Draco with Terry Boot... Now _that_ was a rewarding night.

So, after I got the spell from Ginny I went on my patrol, and after that I practiced the spell. I managed to get it down pretty quickly (I've always been good at conjuring, after all- too bad I'm crap with cooling charms, _dammit!_) and had plenty of time for N.E.W.T.s revision. I worked very hard on charms, and practiced my weak points (for instance, about half of everything we learned after fifth year.) By the time the clock chimed nine, I was quite worn out, and more than a little relieved for some nice, hard, physical labor to take my mind off studying. And I am not going to try to analyze _that_ little statement.

With a great sigh, I made my way down to the dungeons, heading for Professor Snape's office. And, you know, for someone who doesn't like eavesdropping, he sure does leave the door open a lot. Especially when there's an eavesdropper like me creeping around the dungeons. I peered inside, only to see... My dad. Again. "Pleeeeaaaassse?" Sitting cross-legged on the Professor's desk and watching him pace back and forth.

"No. Never. What makes you think I would even consider it?" Dad immediately delved into his robes and pulled out... A package of elastic bands.

"I come bearing gifts." Professor Snape eyed him furiously. "So much more convenient than a ribbon." With a growl, Snape snatched the package from his hands and continued pacing. I'm surprised there isn't some sort of worn patch of floor there, with the amount of pacing he does.

"I don't care."

"But you're keeping them."

"_I do not care_." Professor Snape paused, fiddling with the package as he glanced back and forth between it and Dad. "Fine," he snapped. "I'll do it. But don't expect some sort of big to-do. In and out, understand?"

"Of course!"

"Hey, what are you talking about?" I stepped into the room, still rather dazed to see my dad and Snape getting on so well. Usually Professor Snape ends up shouting at him and chasing him away. Or something along those lines. A slow grin graced Dad's face as he turned to me.

"Sssssssexxxxx," he replied, which took a rather long time.

"Sex?" I asked, rather used to my father's behavior after such a long time. "With whom, may I ask?"

"A pretty Ravenclaw girl." Dad wiggled his eyebrows, sending a sort of half-leer towards Professor Snape. "Severus wants to send his mighty warrior into the Dragon's cave." I noticed that Professor Snape had gone rather red.

"I-" he began, but was cut off by yours truly.

"What's her name?"

"Persephone something-or-other," Dad replied lightly.

"_Wyatt? Excuse_ me?"

"I was kidding. It's a much nicer name than that; Nadia."

"You-" Professor Snape managed to choke out before we ignored him again.

"_I_ said that he was going about it entirely the wrong way, but _he_ seems to think that _detentions_ are going to work. Odd reasoning, I say." Dad reached into his hair and pulled out a spider, flicking it away. Ah, the hazards of the dungeons. "I'd just give her some flowers and a gun." I hesitated, unsure if I wanted to know the "odd reasoning" behind it.

"A _gun?_" Ah, what the hell.

"Well, it shows that he trusts her, and that he has faith in her ability to protect herself with the proper weaponry. _I_ think it's a very nice gesture."

"Dad... You think a lot of gestures are 'very nice.'" He looked ready to continue our rapport when Professor Snape cleared his throat and we turned our attention to him. He had this expression on his face that clearly read, "Ummm... Helloooo?" I almost laughed aloud, imagining him saying it.

"Oh, we're sorry." Dad grinned. "Would you like to join the conversation?"

"First of all," Professor Snape began stiffly (stiff, heh,) "no father should speak to his daughter in such a clearly lecherous manner." Dad rolled his eyes, playfully mouthing, "Jackass," to me. "Second-"

"_Sex_ond, heh."

"MISS PAGE!" Yes, 'twas I.

"Sorry, sir." Dad giggled.

"What about sex?" Professor Lupin popped his head in the doorway.

"Oh, no," Professor Snape groaned.

"Remmy!" Dad chirped. Hold on- Remmy?

"Remmy?" I asked vaguely.

"Sexond?" Professor Lupin replied, raising his eyebrows.

"Sexy Saxon?" Dad chuckled. "Heehee, Sexy Sevvie."

"Ah!" There was recognition in his voice. "Sexy Sevvie!"

"That's it!" Professor Snape growled, that tick in his jaw acting up. "Enough! Detention postponed! No werewolves allowed! And you-" he turned to Dad, pausing. "Oh, just get out!"

"See? Ssssexxxy Ssssevvie needs some loving. He's getting all grouchy, living a life of celibacy." Professor Lupin snorted.

"Oh please. For what, a month?" My mouth fell open.

"GET OUT!!!" Professor Snape shouted, his face going a strange shade of purple. The three of us scuttled out of the room, running for our lived as Snape slammed the door behind us. Well, we weren't _really_ running for our lives, but... All the same.

"Well, that was rather rewarding," I commented.

"Oh, yes, definitely," Dad replied, a smirk creeping across his face.

"What are _you_ so satisfied about?"

"I'm wearing my new knickers." He gave a happy little wriggle and skipped off. You know, sometimes I think that my relationship with my father is a bit... Unhealthy.

"New knickers?" Professor Lupin looked _very_ interested.

"Pink silk!" Dad called down the hallway. "I feel just like a pretty little princess!" Oh, God.

"_Oh_, God." The professor, however, seemed to be less embarrassed and more... Turned on. Alright, it's sexy because it's Professor Lupin, but it's gross because my dad caused it. Ew.

"I won't even ask," I muttered, going after Dad. However, he'd soon disappeared. "Where is he?" I mused aloud.

"He most likely went back to work," Lupin replied.

"Hm. Strange, he didn't say goodbye."

"He must be very busy, then."

"Maybe." Or he could be off doing dastardly deeds.

"Well, I need to get back down to the dungeons. I've got to take my Wolfsbane, after all." So, I bid goodbye to Professor Lupin and headed up to the dorm to write this down and go to bed. Right now.

-- June 10 --

So, I carried out that hourglass task and went to Hogsmeade for the last time. Sniff. First, the hourglass task. On the morning of the fifth, I woke up knowing exactly what I was going to do. I was going to get Professor Snape as he left the Great Hall after breakfast. However, when I arrived, he wasn't there. I hadn't expected Professor Snape to be late; in fact, he was never late for breakfast. Hm, strange. I sat down next to Luna and kept my eyes on the gigantic doors, waiting. Luckily, my patience was not in vain. It wasn't long before Professor Snape burst through the doors, growling. I had originally planned to be discreet, but then I decided... To hell with being discreet. It's the last month of the school year, anyway.

I jumped up, whipping my wand out and pointing it straight at him, shouting the incantation for the hourglass as if I in a duel. He froze, looking as if he expected to sprout an extra penis or something, then scowled fiercely. Apparently, he hadn't noticed the little hourglass half-full of tiny black stones (onyx, perhaps?) that had appeared over his head. Everyone else noticed, though, and they were all whispering amongst themselves, discussing what its purpose might be. "THIRTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!!" Professor Snape roared, turning red.

"TWENTY POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE!!!" I roared back. Giggling spread throughout the Great Hall as twenty little stones jumped out of the hourglass and disappeared. Clenching his teeth very tightly, Professor Snape slowly looked up.

"ARRRRGH!!" With that, he stormed from the room.

"Really, how immature. Ten points from Professor Snape for being such a big baby." There was a moment's hesitation before another enraged roar echoed through the halls. Laughter burst out amongst the students and staff, though I did get a few more points taken off for tormenting Professor Snape. I was very much looking forward to the rest of the day, seeing as I had no patrol duties at all, and thus a little extra time on my hands.

"Nadia," Luna muttered. "You can let other people take points from him, too."

"Really?"

"Yes." She nodded. "Just give them permission."

"Alright. I give you permission to give and take points as you see fit." I then ventured over to the Gryffindor table. "Ginny, Colin, I give you permission to distribute points to Professor Snape as you please." They both seemed very happy about that. "But try not to go overboard." At which point I looked directly at Colin. He coughed.

All through History of Magic I kept thinking about that lovely hourglass. As soon as the bell rang I ventured down to the ground floor, intending to catch Professor Snape on a trip to the kitchens or something. He soon emerged from the dungeons, his pace practically at a jog, grinding his teeth. Ginny and Colin were chasing after him. "TEN POINTS TO NADIA PAGE'S MANWHORE!!" Ginny screamed. Ten little stones dropped into the hourglass.

"TEN POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND!!" Colin shouted gleefully. Really, I'd thought he was over that.

"TWENTY POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR HAVING A SEXY ASS!!!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs. Everyone in the immediate area was laughing heartily.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM EVERY ONE OF YOU!!" Professor Snape burst out. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS HUMILIATION!!!" The Ravenclaw hourglass, which currently had absolutely nothing in it but air, groaned ominously. Tons of jewels flew out of the other three hourglasses, finally leaving Slytherin to the lead.

"TEN POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR BEING A SEXY DOM!!!" I couldn't resist.

"DETENTION, MISS PAGE!! DETENTION WITH FILCH!! DETENTION WITH MCGONAGALL!! DETENTION WITH _ANYONE!!_ NOW _GO!!_" I just shrugged.

"Thirteen points to Professor Snape for being so damn cute when he's angry," I muttered, so only he could hear me. Then I hurried off to Charms before he could do any more shouting. On my way, just as an experiment, I murmured under my breath, "Ten points to the man I love." The distant sounds of a temper erupting drifted up to my ears, and I grinned wildly.

After that was Defense Against the Dark Arts, during which I got a wickedly clever idea. So, after class, I scurried up to Professor Lupin, still with my grin on. "I'll assume this has something to do with Professor Snape," he sighed.

"Remus J. Lupin, I hereby give you permission to give and take points to and from Professor Snape at your discretion. _VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!_" He raised his eyebrows.

"Oh. Thank you."

"It's a very big honor," I informed him. "Well, off I go." I left, smiling to myself. I had a feeling that Professor Lupin would be a valuable ally in the hourglass war.

At lunch time, the hourglass was still floating over Professor Snape's head, and people were giggling madly. As soon as I walked in, I found out why. "Ten points for those lovely bedroom eyes, Severus," Professor Lupin announced, just loud enough for everyone to hear. Professor Snape had his jaw clenched, that wonderful tick of his acting up.

"And another ten for that pretty little tick in your jaw!" I piped up, taking my seat at the Ravenclaw table.

"Yes, and _twenty_ points for your huge cock, Professor!" Ginny shouted.

"Ten for your sun kissed chocolate nipples!" Luna sang out, having picked up the phrase from me rather readily.

"Ten for your greasy hair!" Colin called.

"And ten for doing so well with your diet and exercise routine!" I added. The students were getting rather riled up. "I give permission to all staff, students and ghosts to control Professor Snape's hourglass!" That seemed to trigger an overflow of energy.

"TEN POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR BEING A GREASY GIT!!" Several Gryffindors shouted.

"TEN POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR TREATING THE GRYFFINDORS THE WAY THEY DESERVE!" Even more Slytherins shouted.

"Ten points from Professor Snape for giving me extra homework!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for making me cry!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for giving me a T!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for being an ugly prat!" Professor Snape looked ready to start cursing people. But then...

"Ten points to Professor Snape for favoring Slytherin!"

"_Twenty_ points to Professor Snape for treating Slytherins like people!" Even the teachers were getting into it.

"Ten points teh Professor Snape fer brewin' Fang that pepper-up potion!" Hagrid insisted.

"Twenty points from Severus for cutting holes in the chest of my best robes!" Professor McGonagall shrilled. "But ten to him for buying me a new set of robes to replace them," she added thoughtfully.

"Fifty points from Severus for shamelessly carrying on with a student!" Madam Pomfrey cried out. "But ten to him for being so sweet about it!" I blinked, surprised.

"Ten points to Severus for covering my midnight patrol shift so I could fill out my star charts!" Professor Sinistra piped up.

"Ten points to Severus for helping me trim my venomous tentacular!" Professor Sprout added.

"Ten points to Professor Snape for punishing these students properly!" Filch wheezed.

"Ten points to Severus for making the coffee in the staffroom!" Professor Vector ventured.

"Ten points to Snelling for his excellent essay on the goblin wars," Professor Binns wheezed senilely.

"Ten points for warning me when Peeves is feeling sexy," the Bloody Baron moaned. Alright, that was just creepy.

"Fifty points to Severus for brewing my Wolfsbane!" Professor Lupin proclaimed, jovially throwing an arm around his shoulders. Professor Snape was starting to look less angry, and more embarrassed.

"One hundred points to Professor Snape for being the best damn head of house in this God-forsaken school!" The head boy, a Slytherin, exclaimed loyally. There were shouts of agreement from the Slytherin table and several raised goblets.

"Two hundred points to Professor Snape for making me the happiest girl on Earth!" I swooned. "And another fifty for his love of the crimson tide!"

It was complete pandemonium. Stones were flying into the hourglass at an alarming rate, and the noise level in the room was past tolerance. Suddenly, Professor Dumbledore rose from his seat, holding up his hands for silence. Everyone immediately shut up and waited with bated breath for his punishment for our terrible behavior. "I believe my input should be given as well," he announced. "I say two hundred points to Severus Snape for all he has done for this school. And simply because I like him. And fifty points to Nadia Page for allowing me this opportunity to show my appreciation to our beloved potions master. Now, let us all think no more of this and tuck in." With that, he waved his wand, causing the practically overflowing hourglass to float away to who knows where. Well, at least Ravenclaw had some points in the hourglass.

As everyone went back to eating, Professor Snape, who still looked extremely embarrassed and was blushing adorably, slowly stood and walked out of the Great Hall. His footsteps echoed as everyone silently watched him. I decided to wait about ten minutes before following him. I went down to the dungeons and stuck my head through his office door, grinning. He didn't see me, since he was on the floor behind his desk- I could see his feet sticking out. "Yoohoo!" I called in a good impression of Dad. He popped his head up, an enveloped held securely in his mouth. As soon as he saw me, though, he spat it out and stood up, scowling. "That was awfully nice, wasn't it?"

"No."

"Everyone loves you," I taunted.

"Your detention will be tomorrow night at ten with Filch."

"Please, can't I serve detention with you?"

"_No_."

"Please? It can be you and me and Dad and we'll have loads of fun."

"Get out!"

"Pff. Fine. See if I care that you don't appreciate me." So I left. And, just for a change of pace, I went up to the dormitory to study. Horay!

Next morning was Hogsmeade weekend, so I ran on down to the entrance hall to meet Colin, Luna, and Ginny, since I'd woken up late. The three of them were standing over to the side, discussing the SSS in low voices. "Nadia, are you up for any more tasks for the SSS?" was the first thing Ginny said to me.

"Depends," I replied.

"This is going to be the very last one. After this... Well, you haven't got long to get a kiss from him, you know."

"I know." The crowd started filing out, and soon we were walking across the grounds. "So, what's this last task going to be?"

"Well..." She looked over at Colin and Luna, who were keeping their faces carefully neutral. "Your next love letter... We'll send Luna's owl, Snork, to deliver it."

"And?" I prompted.

"And you'll ask for a reply from him," she said quickly. I stared.

"Are you sure? What if he finds out it's me?"

"There's that chance... But it isn't very likely." It seemed like a good idea. And I _had_ been wondering what Professor Snape thought of the raunchier letters.

"Alright, then. I'll do it." After that, we changed the subject of conversation. Once we got into Hogsmeade, Ginny and Luna went off on their own to give Colin and me some time alone.

"So. You still have the hots for Snape?" That was Colin, of course.

"Yes." He wrinkled his nose. "Hey, the man is sexy! I can't help it if he has buns of steel. Well, maybe not steel, more like... I don't know... Sweet, sweet candy. Damn."

"I'd rather not discuss the chemical makeup of Snape's 'buns,' thank you." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You know, you're sort of different now."

"What, you don't like me anymore?"

"No, I still like you. I was just saying."

"Oh." We walked in silence for a while, looking in shop windows and snorting with contempt at very stupid people. You seem to encounter a lot of those when you're out in public. Anyway, it was nice. And then I spotted Denis.

"Hey, look, Colin! It's your brother." He was walking along with some other Gryffindor boy. "Who's he with?"

"That's Euan Ambercrombie. He's in fourth year." Colin glanced at them, then shook his head and turned the other direction. "Dunno why he hangs out with him so much." I quickly found out when I caught sight of them holding hands and slipping into a part of town that was very popular for students to go snog in. I decided not to tell Colin.

Eventually, we stopped off in a book store. I wandered over to the used book section, since they're always so cheap, and then something very weird happened. I came across a very interesting book (_The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio_, yum) and started looking through it. Then, when I flipped to the back, there was writing on the inside of the cover. "_Property of Lucius V. Malfoy, Sex God_." It was really, really creepy. So, I bought it, with every intention of showing it to Draco. Dad would probably be interested, too. In the meantime, though... I'd read it. Of course.

Colin and I were getting on very well, and soon we rejoined Ginny and Luna for drinks at the Three Broomsticks. We discussed things to put in the last love letter, then the subject turned to (what else?) the exams. Augh. After we got back I went straight to bed.

I spent every day up to today studying furiously, concentrating the most on Charms and Potions. The Charms N.E.W.T. is the first one I'll be taking, and that's in... Hmm... Three days. Frigger! That probably isn't a real word. Oh well. Anyway, I stayed up almost until midnight studying, and once I'd finished, I decided that a nice, warm bath in the prefects' bathroom was in order. So, down I went, ready for a nice soak. However, upon reaching the bathroom...

Professor Snape. In bath. _Naked_. Thank God for unisex!! Huzzah! And he didn't notice me walk in, either. He actually looked as if he was taking a nap. I wondered briefly if Moaning Myrtle was playing the voyeur, as well, but immediately came to the conclusion that she must be and thought no more of it. Goodness. I could see his goods through the water! Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. To quote my fake orgasm.

Watching him nap in the bath was making me want to join him. I knew it would be wrong, though. I knew I should just leave and not come back. But, more than anything, I wanted my Goddamned bath. "Professor?" I muttered. No response. "Professor?" I said a bit louder. Still no response. So, being my wicked self, I crept up to him and clapped loudly in his ear. With a snort, he woke up.

"Huh?" he murmured blearily. "Nafunnel?"

"Alright, that nafunnel shit's getting really old. Time to get up, Sevvie-poo, I've got a bath to take." Slowly, he turned to face me, the perfect picture of dazed shock.

"...No. I... I'm having a nightmare."

"I'm afraid not, sweets. I'm real, and I saw your goods. Again." He started turning his trademark shade of maroon. "Don't worry, I won't look anymore. I just wanted to let you know that I refuse to allow you to hog the tub. So, unless you want to share it, you'll have to get on down to bed. I doubt you'll want to share it, though. In which case, I'll be waiting outside for you." I turned and marched out of the bathroom to wait. A very loud string of curses drifted out of the bathroom after me, but I ignored it. Eventually, Professor Snape showed up, fully dressed and dripping wet. He smelled like... Flowers. I've no idea what kind.

"Detention," he whispered dangerously. "And fifty points from Ravenclaw."

"With all due respect, sir, I'm a prefect. Which means, I retain the right to use the prefects' bathroom whenever I wish. You, however, are a teacher. Which means, you aren't supposed to be using the prefects' bathroom at all. So, really, you're the one at fault here. Besides, people are going to wonder in the morning where that fifty points went, and I don't think it will be very comfortable for you to try to explain your precarious position." He glare at me.

"Very well," he conceded. "Fifty points to Ravenclaw. And two detentions. Trust me, Miss Page, I'll work you so hard that you won't even be able to _see_ your N.E.W.T.s."

"Whateva, girlfriiieeend!" I triple snapped, then went into the bathroom. I listened to Professor Snape swear some more before slipping into the bath, since he hadn't bothered to drain it. Mmmm, essence of Snape.

-- June 13 --

Today was my first N.E.W.T. exam- Charms. I think I did pretty alright on it, actually. I was very, _very_ lucky that the practical didn't involve any temperature manipulation spells or anything involving fruit. I don't know why, but I always fuck up when I'm casting spells on fruit. Probably because I want to eat it more than I want to charm it. Anyway, I'm hoping for a good grade on the Charms exam, though I'm unsure. I'll have to wait until summer to find out, I suppose.

Professor Snape was very cruel to me for that first detention. It was actually served right before the exam. He took me into the Great Hall and made me set it up for the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, without magic. It was terrible. But not as bad as mucking out stables with Hagrid, at least. That was sort of what I was expecting.

I also finished that last love letter to him. I put in a bunch of really naughty bits, asked him to reply with the owl that delivered it (though I'm not exactly sure how reliable Snork is) and sent it off to him. He'll probably receive it tomorrow when the post comes in. Now I've got to do some revision for the History of Magic exams tomorrow. Dammit! Probably won't write until after the N.E.W.T.s are through.

-- June 25 --

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. _He knows_. Ahem. Should probably backtrack a little, there. Alright, so I sent the last love letter with a request for a reply. Professor Snape received it the next morning. He read it (Professor Lupin reading over his shoulder, of course) turned his customary shade of red, then warily eyed Snork, who was currently bathing in his cereal. When he left the Great Hall, Snork followed him out, and Luna offered me an encouraging smile. Then there was the History of Magic N.E.W.T. exam, which was a piece of cake compared to the Charms exam, and after that another detention, this time with Filch. Ugh. Bitter does not even begin to describe him. After that, I went straight to sleep.

The next day was the Potions N.E.W.T. exam, which I had studied for most furiously of all, and which I am confident I did well on. I really hope I got an O, Dad would be so proud of me. He got full marks on all his N.E.W.T.s, and how he managed that I'll never know, but I want to live up to the family reputation. The one for excellence, that is, not the one for killing people. Then, that night... It was the moment of truth.

I was revising for my Transfiguration N.E.W.T. exam, since it seemed I couldn't sleep, and getting quite frustrated with my damned notes; I tugged at the bun I'd tied my hair into, since it was a rather warm and humid night. That was when I heard the fluttering of wings, and saw Luna's owl fly through the open window, holding an envelope firmly in its beak. I took it, flipping it over; it was blank. Nervously, I opened the envelope, slipping out some crisp parchment with elegant, spidery handwriting in black ink on it. I recognized the handwriting, but, just to be sure, I skipped immediately to the signature. It was signed, "Severus." YESSSS!!!!! That's what I was thinking, at least. He wrote back! I did a little dance, though I kept relatively quiet, so as not to wake my roommates. Then, I eagerly began to read the letter. Introductions... Blah-dee blah...

"...I was intrigued, to say the least, by your letters..." Oh, Severus, you're simply _too_ kind! Heheh... "...Should like to meet you..." Hmph, as if _that's_ going to happen... "...Perhaps become better acquainted..." We already are! Hah. "...Wish to ravage-" DID THAT SAY RAVAGE?!? I had been skimming up to that point, but upon seeing,"ravage" written, I began to read more carefully... And, believe me, I had to sit down for it; I could practically feel my face burning. The man had described _in detail_ some... Well, let's just say they were _very_ naughty things... In a good way. My GOD!! Severus Snape had written me- _me_ of all people- a sexy, steamy letter. I mean, _really_ erotic... The kind of stuff that's worth masturbating to! Alright, so he didn't _exactly_ know that it was _me_, but... Hey, at least he was... heh... _Intrigued_.

I thought about writing something back, but the moment I was done reading the letter the ink started to bleed. I knew it couldn't have been a good sign. That's when I noticed a bright, thin red line leading from where I was standing to the door, disappearing beneath it. 'Oh no!' I thought. 'A tracing charm! He'll follow the line and find me!' I ran to the door, peering beneath it; there was no movement. Glancing over my shoulder, I noticed that the line was gone; it only stretched from where I stood onward. So, if I hurried, I could run along the line and make it vanish! Right, good idea. In hindsight, though... Not. Hindsight is a very evil thing.

So, I grabbed my prefect badge and walked out of the dorms and through the common room, jogging along the darkened corridors; I couldn't be punished for being out of bed, because I'm a prefect. Ah, the perks... At about the second floor, I realized that I still held the letter in my hand. Looking down at it, I found that the writing had gone. I flipped to the other page (yes, I'd received two pages of delicious smut) and what I saw nearly gave me a fucking heart attack. Pardon the language, by the way. Not that I haven't been swearing like a sailor this whole time.

On the paper, plain as day, was, "I want you." OH MY GOD. I burst into a run, hoping that Filch wouldn't stop me, following the red line down into the entrance hall, and then... The dungeons. I slowed down, panting, and followed the line more carefully, becoming more and more curious. After a few minutes, it led me to a thick wooden door, disappearing beneath the crack. I stared at the door, realizing that this was most definitely his private quarters.

Orgasm.

As I was saying... Or, writing, rather... I wasn't sure what to do, then, and had almost reached out to knock when I remembered that I was not there for a booty call, and knocking would be a _very_ bad idea. From what I'd experienced in the short time since I'd received the letter, it seemed as if dear Professor Snape was an extremely horny man. Oh, wait, I should word that better... It seemed as if he had a lot of pent up sexual energy. There, much better. However, if he found out that a _student_ had received his letter... Well, my guess would be that he'd go utterly insane. Or at least shove me around a little.

So, I refrained from knocking, but not before my fingers brushed against the door. Then, I stood for a bit, trying to think if there was anything I should do... That's when I heard the unmistakable sound of someone approaching... From the other side of the door. Apparently, he'd put up some charms to alert him if anyone was approaching, or had maybe made contact with the door. I turned to make a run for it, just as I heard the door opening, and thought for a moment that I would escape before my hope was crushed and I was caught. And I mean, literally caught.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back against a warm body, which, despite the darkness, I knew belonged to the very sexy potions professor. I held back a nervous gulp as I felt his breath against my neck, but I failed to stifle a gasp when I felt his mouth... He was kissing my neck. If I hadn't been so certain that I was in deep shit, I would have been euphoric. His lips were tracing my jaw line, and I realized it wouldn't be long before he saw my face. 'Perhaps he won't recognize me,' I thought hopefully as he reached up and turned my face towards his. His lips were mere millimeters from mine- I swear, I almost got a kiss out of him- when he stopped dead. There were a few moments in which time seemed to stand still, before he suddenly jerked back, staring at me as if I had three breasts.

"...Miss Page?" he managed to choke out. Yes, he choked it out. I think he was in shock, the poor dear.

"Yes, Professor?" I asked, acting as if nothing had happened. This seemed to bring him to his senses, because he sneered at me, clenching his fists; he looked about ready to bite my head off.

"Stupid girl!" he snarled. "Get out of here- I was meeting someone..." He looked expectantly down the hallway as if his visitor would come running into his arms at any moment. What a silly man. However, I was off the hook- so, he'd wait up all night for a dream woman. It wasn't my concern. I turned to go, but then he stopped me. "What is that in your hand?" he asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. I considered fleeing, but decided it would be a bad idea.

"Oh, nothing, it's just a letter from-" I hadn't even finished my poor excuse when he snatched it right out of my hand, intending to read it. "...You..." I finished weakly, as I watched his face turn grey, then green, then several different shades of red.

"_You_," he growled scathingly. "You _read_ this?" He indicated the letter. I nodded mutely, not trusting myself to speak at that point; getting caught certainly had put a damper on the plans. "_All_ of it?" He looked angry at my silence, so I said the first thing that came to mind.

"It was quite a turn on." I. Am. Such. A. Dope. If he'd looked murderous before, then now he looked like a psychotic serial killer.

"You- _You_ wrote- those- those-"

"Letters." It was like a natural disaster; I wanted to look away but I just couldn't. "All of them. Every last one." He looked almost disbelieving, so I recited for him. "'If only you were near, so you could dip into my bowl and drink my nectar-"

"Enough!" He was practically glowing from the redness in his face. "Is- is _this_ your idea of a _joke?_" he ground out, his jaw clenched so tightly that a muscle in his face was twitching.

"No, sir, of course not," I answered hastily, shaking my head.

"Then what would you call it?" He really looked ready to pull out his wand and cast the Cruciatus curse.

"Well, I would call it... Love letters, I suppose? Um... Secret admirer, if you will?" He was glaring daggers at me. "It wasn't a joke! I was serious, honestly!" I held up my hands in surrender, as if that would convince him. He kept glaring, but it seemed as if he was calming down.

"So..." His eyes flashed with some unreadable emotion. "You want me... to... drink your nectar, as it is?" Argh, how embarrassing.

"Yes," I answered quietly- I tried not to sound too put off. After all, two could play at this game. "And it would appear that you would like me to nibble your-"

"That's quite enough," he hissed. "Fifty points from Ravenclaw, for putting me in such a... a questionable position. And for being out of bed, I think-" I interrupted him by clearing my throat and pointed to my prefect badge. "Very well," he grumbled, looking disappointed. "But you have detention for a week." I suppressed a groan and managed to nod; I was getting pretty lucky as it was. "And, if you _ever_ make an indecent proposal to me again-"

"You'll take me up on my offer?" I prompted hopefully; I can dream, can't I?

"No, I most certainly will _not!_ Now, get back to bed, before I- I-"

"Before you spank me?" I suggested. The look on his face was enough to send me sprinting down the hall, though I slowed almost immediately and looked back; he seemed rather sour about the whole thing. Looking back, I realize what I did at that moment was a rather haphazard thing to do; however, so was everything else I'd done up to that point, so what did it really matter? Damn you, hindsight.

I ran back and took him by surprise, kissing him on the cheek. Disgustingly sweet, I know, but I felt it was necessary. "Please don't stay angry with me, you sexy beast," I muttered quickly before racing back to Ravenclaw tower at full speed. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I jumped into bed and went straight to sleep. I had that recurring dream about pirate Captain Snape again.

The next day was Transfiguration exams, and despite being very put off that I'd been found out, I still managed to get through it alright. Afterwards, I sat in the courtyard with Ginny, Luna, and Colin and told them what had happened. Ginny and Luna seemed sorry, while Colin seemed enraged. "He _kissed your neck?_"

"Oh, shut it. He thought I was someone else. Who, though, I've no idea." I shrugged. "Maybe he was counting on it being a stranger."

"Maybe," Ginny said thoughtfully.

"Anyway, I'm going to go flip through my notes real quick before the exam." So, off I went to study some more very quickly before the Transfiguration N.E.W.T. The test turned out to be unbearably long, and even more tedious. I didn't even have time to contemplate how Professor Snape's knowledge of my true identity would affect our excellent relationship, since right after that I had to study for Astronomy. All afternoon. Then, after the Astronomy exam I went straight to bed. Of course... I might have forgotten one itsy bitsy little detention... Oh well.

The next day I had the morning free (Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T. in the afternoon, though) so I decided to go talk to Professor Snape. Of course, he was holding final exams for some of his fourth year students, so I had to wait outside the classroom for them to finish up. I didn't have to wait long until the little shits- I mean, darlings- were filtering out of the room. Then... I entered.

I quickly surveyed the classroom to make sure everyone else had gone, then slowly approached Professor Snape's desk, where he sat, grading papers. "Professor?" He acted as if I didn't exist; he neither looked up nor answered. "Professor?" I tried again. He made absolutely no response to my voice. "Professor!" This time I was louder and more insistent, not to mention closer, but he continued to ignore me. Well, I decided I would have to try a different approach. "Severus?" His quill stopped dead in its tracks, and I could see him grip it considerably tighter.

"I'll thank you to address me as Professor Snape," he growled through clenched teeth. There was that muscle again, ticking unpleasantly in his jaw.

"Alright, Professor Snape." He grunted before continuing with his work. "Could I speak to you for a moment?"

"I'm busy." Dammit, you bastard, just talk to me...

"Please?"

"No." He didn't even bother to look up as he spoke to me.

"Professor, I really would feel better about this whole mess-"

"As far as I'm concerned, Miss Page, there _is_ no mess." He paused and finally looked up at me. "As far as _I_ am concerned, none of this ever happened. Perhaps you should consider the possibility that this was all in your imagination." Well, that sort of... Filled me with unspeakable rage. I stared at him incredulously as he turned back to his papers. "Good day, Miss Page."

"But-"

"_Good day_." I stood there for a moment, chewing my lip; it was obvious I wasn't going to get anywhere. Well, those who choose to run away live to fight another day... So I left, with every intention of returning.

After that, I decided to pop in on Professor Lupin for a bit of studying and practice for the practical part of the exam. He was a great help, though he _did_ ask after Dad an awful lot. Eventually, I got fed up and told him to leave me alone about it before I went completely insane and set out on a murderous rampage. He shut up, after that.

Once I'd finished practicing with Professor Lupin, I went straight to the Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T., waiting nervously for it to begin. And, now that it's over with, I can say that I most definitely got at least one question right. The one on werewolves was in the bag. Oh, yes. Heh. Then I went to study for Herbology until my next detention, which just happened to be with Professor Snape. I thought that perhaps the silent treatment might work again.

So, precisely on time, I entered Professor Snape's office, planning to just serve out my detention and leave, acting as if nothing completely insane had happened. When he told me to empty all his shelves, dust off the jars and books, then replace them all in perfect order, I merely nodded and got to work. However, about fifteen minutes into it, I heard him stop writing and slam his quill down. "You're doing it all wrong!" he snarled, sweeping up to me and snatching the jar I had been dusting out of my hands. "You'll leave streaks that way." He grabbed the rag I had been holding as well, and started to rub the jar in a circular motion. "Like this. See?"

"Yes, I see." Someone in the room had anal retentive written all over him, and it certainly wasn't me. It was him who brought up the letters.

"Honestly," he grumbled, shoving the jar and the rag back into my hands, "the only thing you can do halfway decently is write..." He trailed off, stiffening.

"You liked my letters, Professor?" I ventured.

"Your detention is over," he snapped abruptly, returning to his desk. "You may go."

"You know, I _really_ liked _your_ letter, Professor," I pushed on. "It made me want to _be_ with you." I don't know what possessed me to add _that_ to the statement. He closed his eyes with a pained expression on his face and began rubbing his forehead, as if he had a headache.

"_Please_ go away, Miss Page."

"I hardly think fifteen minutes of dusting is a proper detention."

"Consider yourself lucky!" I don't know why I was hitting on him. I don't even know why I had agreed to this whole thing in the first place.

"Alright." I straightened myself out and turned to go.

"Miss Page." I stopped and faced him. "I would greatly appreciate it if this subject was not discussed again." He then waved me out, and I left, feeling disappointed.

When I reached the dormitory, I decided to write one last letter. I flopped down on my bed with a fresh piece of parchment and green ink, writing by the light of my wand in my neatest, most elegant hand. I was as carefully as I could manage, and triple checked it for spelling and grammar. I wasn't quite satisfied with the finished product, but I knew that I could never be, so I settled. This is what I wrote:

Dear Severus,

I apologize for all the trouble I caused with my ill-devised declarations of love. I also apologize for acting out in class, bothering you in detentions, and especially for that one instance in the beginning of the year when I smelled you. If it's any consolation, you really _do_ smell quite good. I'm sorry for being a silly girl, and I'm sorry for ignoring your say in this incident. Mostly, I'm sorry for treating you like just another crush, because... you're not. Sorry for that, too. I know you don't want any of my attentions, but at least the summer holidays are in sight. After term ends, I'll be out of your hair for good.

It probably doesn't mean much to you, reading this feeble apology, but it's the best I can do. I don't think I'd be able to work out more than a pathetic little, "Sorry," if it were in person. I have been thinking about my feelings more than usual lately, and been surprised to find that there's a lot more than just my guilt about my actions. I've found that, although I truly am sorry, if I were given the chance, I would do everything over again, almost exactly the same. I say almost because, if given the chance to repeat this, I would have told you who I was. I would have been less of a coward. But, I suppose that's why I'm in Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor.

I really do love you, Severus. And I really do wish that I could have gotten to know you better than I did. I just hope that you're alright with the way things stand; I hope you've reached a much more comfortable place than I have. I'll miss you, though, when I leave. It's hard to imagine going through the rest of my life without seeing your scowl every day, or hearing you take points off of every house except Slytherin. I guess I'll just have to find another greasy git to scold me and tell me how horrible I am. Perhaps I'll put an add in the _Daily Prophet_. Things just won't be the same without you. Besides, you always were my favorite teacher.

Here's wishing you a good life, devoid of any more students like myself.

Love always and forever,

Nadia Josephyne Page

I dried the ink with my wand, slipped the letter into a plain envelope, and sealed it. Then, I stared at it sadly for what was probably a long time. Writing it had made the realization hit me head on; June 31 would probably be the last time I'd ever see Severus Snape. It made me feel rather... numb.

I placed the letter in the pocket of my robes so I wouldn't forget about it, and then I went to bed. Sleep usually made me feel better, so it was my best bet.

The next morning, I woke up late, having ignored Luna's half-hearted attempts to get me out of bed and simply gone back to sleep. I got ready by hastily throwing on my robes, pulling a brush through my hair, and grabbing my bag. When I arrived in the Great Hall I'm sure I looked like hell, but I was hungrier than usual, so I just plopped down and began stuffing my face. However, barely a minute later, my binging was interrupted by the flutter of wings. I swallowed my food and wiped my face, then looked up to see the post arriving. I then turned my attention to my pocket, where the letter I had written was still lying in wait. I knew that if I kept it, I would lose it. I wanted Professor Snape to have it, as soon as possible.

A loud clatter brought me out of my reverie, and I looked down to see that Snork had knocked my goblet over onto my plate. _Snork!_ I fed him some bacon, then pulled the letter from my pocket and put it in his beak. "Give this to Professor Snape, please," I muttered. Snork looked at me for a moment, then took flight. I heard him loudly land at the staff table, and looked up to see him preening himself in the middle of Professor Snape's breakfast. Snork then proceeded to flop down and roll around in the dripping egg yolks, becoming saturated in the goo before he finally took flight. Professor Snape looked rather put off by the strange owl, but then he turned his attention to the letter, and... He looked straight at me. I turned away, pretending to be absorbed in my meal.

I didn't look up for several minutes, and when I did it was just in time to see Professor Snape slipping the opened envelope into his robes. I was actually quite surprised that he hadn't immediately set fire to the letter, but I was also happy that he'd kept it. It still didn't improve my mood, though. "What did you write this time?" Luna asked, watching him.

"An apology," I answered. "And a farewell."

"That's too bad." She sounded as if her mind was miles away... Which is how she always sounds, so it was no big deal.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Ginny was taking a seat next to me at the Ravenclaw table, and Colin grabbed an empty space across from us. A few people gave us dirty looks, simply for being us, then moved a bit further away than they already were.

"Everything," I muttered moodily. "I'm in love."

"That's nice," Luna said.

"With Colin?" Ginny asked. I snorted. When Colin gave me a hurt look, though, I felt bad about the reaction.

"Sorry," I said. "But... I think you all should know by now." I jerked my head in Professor Snape's direction. There was silence.

"But... It was just a game," Colin said incredulously. I glanced longingly at the potions professor, who was concentrating unusually hard on his plate, which had a few yolk-covered owl feathers on it..

"Not anymore," I grumbled. I was feeling miserable.

"Ridiculous!" he insisted. "Snape's a greasy, slimy git!" He had said it rather loudly, and a few Hufflepuffs who had overheard raised their goblets to him, muttering "Here, here!"

"Though he _did_ cure my kneazle's cold..." One of them murmured afterwards.

"Shut it!" I snapped. "You can say what you want about him, just don't say it around me, alright, Tiny Tim?" Colin flushed but fell silent. This outburst had attracted a few stares and caused quite a few more giggles.

"Keep it down!" Ginny scolded. "Look, Snape's glaring at us, now." I did look; he's beautiful, by the way. He looked straight back at me and our eyes met, and... The look in them, though quite indescribable, was most likely something other than utter loathing. My breath caught in my throat and my heart pounded loudly as I stared back at him. After a few moments, I averted my gaze to my plate, though I could still feel his eyes burning into me.

After I'd gained a bit more courage, I glanced up again, locking eyes with him once more. In my peripheral vision I could see Professor Lupin looking back and forth between us, though I couldn't make out the expression on his face. Then... He waved his hand in Professor Snape's face. Damn! I was terribly disappointed, though it _did_ cheer me up a little to watch Professor Snape start swearing at him and swat his hands away.

After breakfast was the Herbology N.E.W.T. exam, and then the afternoon was Ancient Runes, so I had no time to be melodramatic. Then more studying for Arithmancy, my very last N.E.W.T. exam... Which was actually two days after the double exam, so I had a whole extra day to study. And that's exactly what I did, and I got an awful lot done, even if I may have doodled Professor Snape's face all over my notes. The Arithmancy exam was the most difficult of them all, but at least I was prepared for it. That's the most important thing.

Being free from N.E.W.T.s felt awfully strange... And it also left me with some free time that I filled by trying not to think of Professor Snape. I failed miserably, of course. And I really _am_ being a drama queen. God, Draco moment. It must run in the family.

...Creepy.

So I basically just hung out with Ginny, Luna, and Colin for the past couple of days. Professor Snape, as I immediately realized, was avoiding me like the plague. I decided to give him his time alone. It would only remind me of the upcoming Sev-less summer, anyway. Heehee, Sev... Anyway. Right. Nothing much else happened.

-- June 30 --

Professor Snape is still avoiding me. I think I'm going to go down there and say goodbye tomorrow, before the carriages leave. And... Give him the SSS journal. I hope he doesn't punch my lights out when I do... Anyway. Today I had a little chat with Professor Lupin, and it was a lot of fun. I went in there to talk to him, tell him I'd miss him over the summer and such. "Oh, we'll see each other," he assured me.

"I hope so. I always have fun with you, Professor." He smiled.

"You don't need to call me Professor anymore, really."

"Oh, alright." There was a short moment of silence between us. "REMUS!!" He jumped a bit. "Ooh, that's fun to say. Reem-us. Heehee. I just realized that!" He blushed a bit.

"Well. Yes... I suppose it is rather amusing."

"So... Tomorrow's going to be weird. I'll be going home for good... Wow, I can't even imagine it. Was it like this for you, too?"

"Yes. I thought for a bit that I'd never see some of my friends again... I was wrong, of course." He offered an encouraging smile.

"I know you're referring to Professor Snape," I replied. "SEVERUS!!" He jumped again. "Eh, it's alright. Not as dirty as Remus. Anyway, I suppose you're right... I mean, if he and Dad are so close, then he'll probably be around... It's just... Well, he doesn't want to see me again. Ever. He hates me, and now he hates me even more for those love letters."

"Well, if you'd told him the truth earlier..." He trailed off at my glare. "Right. No 'I told you so's, then. By the way, have you packed yet?"

"Nope."

"You should probably get started." I sighed.

"Yeah... And I'll help Luna look for her stuff. Well... Goodbye... Remus. Oh, that's still really weird. Anyway, I suppose I'll see you around."

"Yes, you most certainly will. Have a good summer, Nadia." We stood, and he shook my hand. I, being raised by loud Greeks, found this quite unacceptable. So, I pulled him into a tight hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks for everything!"

"You're welcome... And crushing me..."

"Sorry." I released him, bid one more farewell, and wandered off. That's basically the only remotely exciting thing that happened today. I hung out with the SSS members a while, discussed Professor Snape's behavior a bit... Nothing I haven't mentioned already.

Now, here I am, in bed, writing this. And I don't want to stop writing, because this will be my very last entry... Wow. The _very last_ entry. Well, I have to get to sleep. When I wake up tomorrow, I'll give this journal to Professor Snape (no matter what he says about it) get on the train, and head on home. For a life completely devoid of both Severus Snape and attempts to seduce him. Sigh. How boring. Well... Ta-ta. Have a good life, journal. Goodnight.

...

Bye.

* * *

Feeling a bit sad, I slowly closed the SSS journal, staring at the cover. Within a few hours, I would be parting with it. I hadn't realized it, but I'd formed an emotional attachment to the book. It felt weird, to think I'd never write in it again. Spooky. Well, at least I'll be leaving it in capable hands. Right. Sleep.

--- --- --- --- ---

I woke up. I got ready for the train ride home. I put the SSS journal in my pocket. Nothing too riveting. Then, I went down to the entrance hall with Luna to wait for the carriages to come and take us to the Hogwarts Express. We had found Ginny and Colin, and I was listening to Ginny inviting us all to the Burrow over the summer when... Well, I sort of spaced out.

I paused all bodily functions, looking longingly back at the dungeons. I was rooted to the spot for a while, until I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder. I turned to see Colin, looking irritated, and probably jealous. "What?" I sighed.

"Listen... Not to be harsh, but... It's Snape. _Snape_. Just get over it, alright?" I considered for a moment, then slapped him across the face. He stared at me incredulously, his mouth hanging open, as I turned and walked down to the dungeons. I just wanted to see him, one last time... Say goodbye. I know I'm a sap, but what can I say? I turned a corner, heading for his office, hoping he'd be there, and I was in luck. I saw him exiting his office, slipping something into his pocket as he closed the door behind him. I paused, wavering on indecision, wondering if maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to just walk away, but then I forced myself to go on. He spotted me right away, and merely raised an eyebrow as I approached him, keeping my eyes downcast. It took me a full minute of staring at his feet before I worked up the nerve to say anything, and only because he spoke first.

"Yes, Miss Page?" I cleared my throat, looking up at his scowling face.

"Er... Professor..." My voice was suddenly caught in my throat.

"I suggest you go, before you miss your carriage, Miss Page," he growled, his left hand slipping into his pocket and fiddling with something.

"Professor," I blurted out, "I just wanted to- to say goodbye."

"Oh?" Both his eyebrows went up, now. I felt like such a fool.

"And- and... Here." I yanked the SSS journal from my inside pocket and shoved it into his hands, heat rising in my face. "Thought you should have this," I muttered. There was a long silence as he surveyed it, that tick going off in his jaw.

"I see..." He was glaring at me, now. "And I suppose this is your idea of a joke?"

"No!" I held up my hands, but he pushed them back down to my sides, leaving the journal discarded on the floor and looking extremely agitated. "It's just... You'll see." He didn't let go of me, though, and I was starting to worry that perhaps he was wondering if he could still punish me.

"Miss Page, I suggest you leave. Now." I love you.

"Alright... But..." His frown deepened and his eyes narrowed. Taking a deep breath, I rushed forward with my request, thinking that the worst he could do was turn me down. "I wonder... If perhaps... I could have a... A kiss goodbye?" He straightened himself, his hands slipping from my sides as he reached into his pocket again, chewing on his tongue.

"...A kiss goodbye?" he repeated after a bit, his voice unreadable. I nodded. "I don't think that would be appropriate." He was still fiddling around in his pocket with the unidentified object, his lips thinning as he gripped it tightly.

"Well, if you think about it, you're not my professor anymore," I answered quietly, nervously wringing my hands.

"No, I suppose I'm not." Still scowling, he slipped his hand out of his pocket and took a step forward; my heart pounded furiously in my chest as he adopted a pensive expression. Time seemed to stop as he simply stood there, considering my request. I suddenly felt the need to do something, anything, to break this... stalemate, I suppose.

"I'll miss you, you know," I offered.

"I know." The answer was a little irritating, but I was rewarded with another step forward. I could actually feel the heat coming off his body, he was so close. My heart was beating so fast and hard that it almost hurt, as he tilted his head to the side, surveying me coolly. It seemed like he just stared at me for hours, though it was only a few seconds, before his fingers ghosted along my jaw, his hand cupping my face and tilting my head up.

My mind was just a bunch of fuzz, a blur of thoughts I payed no attention to as he leaned down and took my lips in his. It was a simple, almost chaste kiss, but soft and warm and wonderful. It was all I could do to stay on my feet as I leaned into him, sighing against his beautiful, silky lips. I could feel this incredible warmth spread over my body, and it felt as if my insides had disappeared and been replaced by an almost floating feeling of elation.

Then, far too soon, he pulled away, pushing me back and steadying me, so I wouldn't fall over, as I'm sure I would have without the firm grip he was keeping on my shoulders. My eyes fluttered open and as my vision focused, I caught him looking... Flushed. And also... slightly embarrassed, but slightly amused, as well. I finally got my footing, and he let me go, leaning down and picking up the journal, then stuffing it in his robes. I wanted to kiss him again, wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly against me, but I could barely move as it was. He backed away a bit, surveying me, then let out a small sigh. "Goodbye, Nadia." And then he swept off, before I could say anything.

"Goodbye," I called after his retreating back. Then, much more softly, I added, "...Severus." I held back a few tears as I watched him turn a corner, and suppressed the urge to go running after him like a fool. Take it all in stride, I told myself.

I couldn't just stand there any longer; I needed to sit down and think for a while. So, I turned and walked rather quickly back towards the carriages. As I turned a corner, I bumped into the other members of the SSS. Luna was looking strangely satisfied, Ginny was looking a mix between disgusted and simply uncomfortable, and Colin looked absolutely horrified, though he was strangely silent. His face was turning red, and he was mouthing wordlessly, as if trying to shout something at me. "Calm down, Colin!" Ginny scolded as she helped Luna hold him in place, before turning to me. "I had to put a silencing charm on him," she informed me. "When he saw the kiss... Well, it was a bit much for him. And, quite frankly, it was a bit much for me, as well."

"I think it was a bit much for all of us," I answered, sounding more tired than I had expected. "And sorry I slapped you, by the way," I added to Colin. He still looked very angry. "Hey, it was just a kiss. It's not like I'm going to start _seeing_ him or anything, right? Besides, wasn't that the whole point of this big charade?"

"Yes, calm down," Luna prompted airily. "It's not as if you're still dating." At that, Colin deflated and clamped his mouth shut, though he was still pretty red.

"_Finite_," Ginny muttered, prodding him with her wand. She and Luna released him, and he simply stood, glaring and panting slightly. "Come on. We're going to miss the carriages." We walked back to the carriages in silence. The entire ride everyone just stared blankly out the windows, except for Luna, who was staring at each of us in turn. Then we got onto the train and closed ourselves up in our own compartment at the back of the last car. Then, we sat in silence some more as the train left the station.

"...You guys owe me money," I finally said.

"Oh, I forgot about that," Ginny exclaimed. "...Damn. It just hit me full force... _You kissed Snape!_"

"We've covered that already," Colin snapped.

"Touchy! Really, you're overreacting." He crossed his arms, frowning.

"It's _Snape!_"

"Colin, stop being such a little bitch." Surprisingly enough, that was Luna.

"I'm _not_ a bitch!" he protested.

"Hey!" I interrupted, trying to quell the bickering, "I've got to do some patrols. Come on, Colin. Let's go find Denis and we can talk while we're looking."

"Alright." So, I led him off through the train.

"You know that kiss was just all part of the SSS, right?"

"Sure." He didn't seem to believe me. With good reason, too. I sighed as I glanced through the door windows of the compartments we passed.

"I'll bet he's in the back." Colin grunted. "I don't see what you're so angry about, anyway," I muttered irritably. "It's not like we're still dating." His frown became more pronounced, and he looked ready to say something when I cut him off.

"Holy Mary, mother of God!" I had just glanced into a compartment to see Denis snogging Euan Ambercrombie very enthusiastically. And things were getting rather steamy. "You know, I'd never realized before how attractive your brother is."

"What?" Colin peeked into the compartment, gave a shriek, and fell over. Denis and Euan didn't seem able to hear anything. "Oh my God!!"

"He takes after you," I sighed nostalgically. He just gibbered nonsense. So, I dragged him back to the compartment and left him with Ginny and Luna, then went off to finish my rounds. I wasn't done for another couple of hours, but when I'd finally finished I slunk back into our compartment, dropping down next to Colin with a sigh. Then... I fell asleep. I always fall asleep on long trips... Unless my father's driving.

When I woke up, Ginny informed me that we'd be reaching King's Cross station in about half an hour. Wow, I'd slept a long time. "I'll see you guys over the summer, right?" I yawned.

"Of course," Luna replied.

"Yes, you'll come visit at the Burrow, won't you?" Ginny asked.

"Sure I will," I replied, still a bit drowsy. "And you three can come visit me for a week, or two." Ginny smiled.

"That sounds good. We can visit you, and then go straight to the Burrow from there."

"Fantastic," I replied.

"Sounds great," Colin sighed.

"Here's your money," Luna said, dropping a money bag in my lap.

"Well..." I blinked. "_That_ was awfully sudden."

"We all pitched in while you were asleep," she informed me.

"Oh... That's... That's so nice of you!" I blame my menstrual cycle for my constant flaring of emotions. So, I gave them all really tight hugs. We talked for another ten minutes or so before the train started slowing to a stop and, all too soon, it was time to go. "Hey, I'll see you all later... I'd really rather meet my dad alone, because... Well, he'll probably know everything by now. And you know him."

"Okay," Colin replied. "We'll write each other?" There were murmurs of assent from all of us. Then, a few more goodbyes later, and I was dragging my trunk off the train. Le sigh.

I stepped off the train and joined the queue of people trying to get out into the station. It wasn't long before I was through the barrier, and immediately started to look around for my dad. Mum never comes along to pick me up because she always gets terribly car sick on long rides. I spotted him, in some decent jeans and a David Bowie shirt. "Dad!" Okay, so I'm a little Daddy's girl. At least I can kick your ass. Anyway, I ran over and hugged him.

"Nadia! Look at you! Look at how... How..." He raised his eyebrows as he looked me over. "...How _sad_ you are. What happened?"

"It's nothing, really."

"It's Severus." I opened my mouth to protest, then gave up before I'd even gotten the words out. "You don't have to say anything. You just take a nap in the car and we can talk whenever you're ready." He grabbed my trunk, grinning encouragingly. "Come on, let's go burn some rubber."

* * *

First order of business: the drabble I promised! The scenario is explained in the beginning, so you can just trot on over. Heehee, Sevvy likes the workin' girls. Just scroll to the bottom for the link, then copy and paste, brutha. 

Credits: Faking orgasm When Harry Met Sally style - Distinctly Dotty

Points hourglass for Professor Snape - Minnie Dumbledore

Hint: The person Severus was expecting to come for a booty call is an adult, and someone Nadia knows/knows of. That's all I'm telling you.

Just a thought here... I've been dying for a new scanner/to get my scanner fixed (my brothers broke it, damn them) and my current visits to ArtisticAlley are only fanning the flames. I've drawn many pictures (some of them _very_ naughty) of Nathanyel I can't even keep count. I've also drawn pictures of Nadia, the notorious Uncle Kristo, and various members of Nadia's family. I've been obsessed with my little universe for almost a year, so you seriously can't blame me. Anyway, just a heads up- I'm getting a job, and as soon as I make enough money to buy a new scanner pictures are going to go up at ArtisticAlley. Or I'll use a friend's scanner because I'm crazy psycho about my fics.

Next Chapter: Nadia arrives at home, Nathanyel receives mysterious letters, and we finally meet the enigmatic Uncle Kristo. Visits from Remus, Draco, and... GASP!! Harry Potter himself. Why? Because this is a Harry Potter fanfiction, and I thought... Ah, what the hell. Harry, go have sex with Nathanyel!

...Pretend I didn't say that. Grin

Drabble: You have to get rid of the spaces, because it's the only way I could get the damned thing to show up. Friggin fanfiction.net...

IMPORTANT NOTE: You MUST add an underscore between "marie" and "goos" or the site won't load. The underscore doesn't show up when the chapter is loaded on ff.net, so it's a do-it-yourself project. Thanks for your patience.

www . livejournal . com / users / marie goos / 2234 . html

And, since everyone was so harrassed by that little mistake... Here's a quick preview to chapter 15:

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking very loudly at the front door. Groaning, I rolled over and pulled the sheets over my head. It was only a few more seconds before I heard a door slamming and Dad grumbling as he shuffled along to answer it. I really hate the thin walls in our house. Then the front door was opened. "What the hell are you doing here?" Dad sounded rather put upon. "It's barely seven in the fucking morning." A yawn.

"I was hungry," came the plaintive reply. The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "I'm out of food and money. I was hoping you'd have some around? Either would be fine." There was a short pause before Dad let out a defeated sigh.

"Alright. Come on, then." Unidentified person stepped inside, the front door was closed, then footsteps trailed into the kitchen. "We've got frosted mini-wheats-"

"Which really aren't mini at all," person interrupted.

"Agreed. There are eggs, oatmeal-"

"Maple brown sugar?"

"Yes. Pancake mix, yogurt, and bacon."

"Oh, yum. Bacon. Well, I'll have a little of each, thanks."

"I'm afraid not." Dad sounded slightly amused. Meanwhile, I was going insane trying to figure out where I'd heard that voice before and, realizing that I wasn't about to fall back asleep any time soon, decided to get up and investigate. I opened my door to the sound and smell of eggs sizzling in a frying pan and walked into the kitchen.

-----But I'm not telling you who it is. SUCKAS!! MWAHAHA!


	15. The Heart of the Matter

To: Yamikitsune-chan... You read my mind. Anyway, in this chapter there are appearances by Harry, Draco, the notorious Uncle Kristo and his... place of living... And Millicent Bulstrode. After this... An epilogue. Oh yes.

Here's a picture of Nathanyel's ultra-sexy Corvette:

www . corvettemagazine . com /2001/march/rr/karifront . jpg

Just remove the spaces... Ya know. If it doesn't work, just complain.

/Drool!/ Just Imagine that car in silver with black interior. Oh, yes. Lorainne.

Disclaimer: Fly free, lesbian seagull.

* * *

**Chapter 15: The Heart of the Matter**

If there's one thing that Dad does horribly, it's driving. He's completely reckless, and I love it. Though Mum has a heart attack every time she's in a car with him. He always goes at least sixty, never slows down on turns, and cuts people off every chance he gets. Not to mention his parallel parking. He speeds down the road, hits the brake, and spins the wheel. Somehow, he always ends up with a perfect parking job. I don't think he even has a drivers' license. "You just rest your head," he told me, revving the engine in the silver 1969 Corvette convertible. "She'll be smooth as silk, swear it on Davey Jones' locker." I've always thought it kind of strange, the way Dad refers to the car as if it's a woman. Then again, he's been doing it for as long as he's had it, and he's had it since before I was born. So I'm used to it. "Mmm, that's right, purr for me," he hummed happily, that manic glint forming in his eyes. I knew I wasn't going to get any rest on our trip home, but I was determined to try. Even if I had to listen to Dad make sexual comments to the car. I swear, sometimes I think he loves that car more than Mum.

I didn't get any sleep in, of course. It was kind of difficult to do so when we were going over eighty with people honking at us constantly, so I settled for just leaning back in my seat and relaxing. Upon my request, Dad put the radio on and blasted it, further angering our fellow travelers. Honestly, some people just don't appreciate good music. Who in their right mind would complain about David Bowie? Alright, complaining about getting cut off on the exit ramp I could understand... But David?

At least we got home in one peace. "Well, as usual, it was an adventure," I commented after we'd skidded to a stop in the driveway.

"You know Lorainne, always good for a romp." He lovingly patted the hood of the car and headed for the house. Yes, he named the car. With a sigh, I followed. Of course, Mum was on me the moment we'd made it through the door.

"Oh, Nadia, it's so wonderful to see you again!"

"Thanks, Mum."

"Look at you, you've made it through that school of yours, and now you're a young lady! I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, Mum."

"It's lovely, isn't it? Nathanyel! Congratulate her!"

"Congratulations," Dad said, rather monotonously.

"Thanks, Dad."

"You didn't sound like you meant it," Mum growled at him.

"CONGRAAAAAATULATIONS!!!" Dad shouted, turning a cartwheel and letting out a whoop. "There, how's that?"

"Oh, be serious for once."

"As if I'd _ever_." He then helped me to get my trunk into my room.

"I'm taking a nap," I informed him.

"Right. Just don't worry your mother." So, I napped. And I slept for about seventeen hours. Yes, I know it was a long time, but... Hey. Sleep is good. So, I got up, grabbed something to eat, watched _A Streetcar Named Desire_ on the television, then went back to sleep. You know me, all sleepy-head.

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking very loudly at the front door. Groaning, I rolled over and pulled the sheets over my head. It was only a few more seconds before I heard a door slamming and Dad grumbling as he shuffled along to answer it. I really hate the thin walls in our house. Then the front door was opened. "What the hell are you doing here?" Dad sounded rather put upon. "It's barely seven in the fucking morning." A yawn.

"I was hungry," came the plaintive reply. The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "I'm out of food and money. I was hoping you'd have some around? Either would be fine." There was a short pause before Dad let out a defeated sigh.

"Alright. Come on, then." Unidentified person stepped inside, the front door was closed, then footsteps trailed into the kitchen. "We've got frosted mini-wheats-"

"Which really aren't mini at all," person interrupted.

"Agreed. There are eggs, oatmeal-"

"Maple brown sugar?"

"Yes. Pancake mix, yogurt, and bacon."

"Oh, yum. Bacon. Well, I'll have a little of each, thanks."

"I'm afraid not." Dad sounded slightly amused. Meanwhile, I was going insane trying to figure out where I'd heard that voice before and, realizing that I wasn't about to fall back asleep any time soon, decided to get up and investigate. I opened my door to the sound and smell of eggs sizzling in a frying pan and walked into the kitchen.

"Dad, why is Harry Potter rooting about in our refrigerator?"

"Because he's an idiot and a dirty mooch," Dad replied. "And he thinks the milk might be bad."

"Hullo," Harry greeted, sniffing at the milk, then drinking from the carton. I slapped him on the back of the head.

"Use a glass. And good morning to you, too." It was beyond me why he was eating breakfast at our house, but I had found out long ago that when my dad's involved, it's best just to go along with things and not ask questions. "Long time, no see." A little over a year, to be exact.

"Yes, nice to see you again," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head. "That hurt."

"Egg," Dad warned before flinging a fried egg across the room. Harry ducked just in time, and it sailed through the air, only to be caught by Sweetheart and devoured.

"Nice," I grumbled. "The bird gets first privileges?"

"Yes." I would have argued more, but then the sound of the door being opened and shut drifted to the kitchen, and Draco came stomping into the room, grumbling indignantly. Again, quite confusing, but less so than Harry's presence.

"I should have known," Draco grumbled, dropping his cloak over the back of a chair. "I _knew_ you were over here, Potter! You just had to waltz over and- and-" he looked around the room. "Eat breakfast."

"What, do you two have something going?" I asked. They both looked at me with identical disgusted faces.

"Oh, gross- no!" Draco replied.

"Ew, disgusting, never," Harry insisted at the same time.

"Wait a moment- what's so disgusting about me?"

"Try everything."

"Keep it down," I scolded. "You'll wake up Mum." And somehow I doubted she'd appreciate seeing two previously unknown young men squabbling in the kitchen.

"Actually, she left earlier to visit your grandmother," Dad informed me. "I convinced her not to take you along."

"You're the best dad in the world." Long silence while the three of us young-uns got settled at the table, Harry with a glass of not-quite-bad milk. "So... Draco. Who'd you leave Remus for?" Heehee, Remus. That's _still_ fun to say. Draco's mouth dropped open, and the gurgling noise he would have made was drowned out by Dad cursing as he burned himself on the stovetop and Harry choking on his milk. "I guess I'm not getting an answer, then." As usual.

"Well... The sex is good," Draco offered, still trying to recover. I thought I heard Dad chuckle a bit under his breath, while Harry snorted.

"Oh, that reminds me!" I exclaimed. "Since you're here, Draco..." I rushed off, fished _The Ultimate Guide of Fellatio_ out of my trunk (hey, I procrastinate with unpacking) and hurried back with it. "Look at this!" Dad was immediately by my side, grinning at the book.

"I've seen this book before."

"What?" Draco hopped up and came to take a look, then blushed. "_Not_ funny."

"It's not supposed to be," I replied, rolling my eyes. "Just look." And I flipped it to the inside of the back cover, where Lucius Malfoy's name remained signed. Dad abruptly stopped smiling. "I know you were related to him, Dad... So..."

"Right," he said tightly. "Very nice." Draco said nothing. "I... Need to... Chop some firewood." And he wandered off to the back door, where he stepped out in the yard and started walking around the perimeter, following the fence.

"What just happened?" I asked blankly.

"You shouldn't have done that," Draco hissed. Harry simply remained conveniently absorbed with his milk, as he had been the entire time.

"I thought he'd have wanted to see it."

"You thought wrong!" He snatched the book from me and prowled into the back yard, following Dad in his pointless trek through the neatly cut grass.

"Well. That was awfully strange." I sat down with Harry. "What do you think?"

"I haven't got an opinion," he said quickly.

"Oh, for Christ's sake. Well, I guess it's just too painful for them to see Lucius Malfoy's old sex advice book."

"...Nadia... Have you ever entertained the notion that... Perhaps... Just maybe... Nathanyel's been keeping an awful lot from you?" I sighed.

"Yes. As I've already found out from certain other parties. For instance, the drugs, the murders, and the embezzling."

"Technically it was manslaughter." I shrugged.

"It's still killing people. And I know that Dad was really close to Malfoy, but apparently you know a lot more than I do." I paused for a moment. "That angers me."

"He's only trying to protect you... And keep you from hating him, of course."

"If you're about to tell me he was secretly a Death Eater or something-"

"Oh, fuck no! Pardon my language." I just raised my eyebrows. "Er... It's just... Well, _I_ don't really know the full details, but sometimes I... Er... _Overhear_ things."

"Chronic eavesdropper?" He flushed. "Me, too."

"Well, anyway... I suppose it all started when Nathanyel shot me."

"You're shitting me."

"No, I'm not. He shot me, once in each leg." I stared at him for a while before I realized that he was completely serious. Imagining that... It was just... So... _Funny!_ I don't think he much appreciated it when I started laughing. "You know, _Snape_ laughed at me, too." I shut up. "Anyway, Malfoy took the blame for it. We never told anyone else what had really happened... It was a rather strange time. For me, at least. That was just before you came to headquarters, actually." That's so weird.

"Damn, _just_ missed it." I snapped my fingers.

"You aren't funny, you know."

"I'm not trying to be."

"Hmph." I rolled my eyes at him.

"So what are you trying to tell me, anyway?"

"You see... It's like this. Nathanyel was never loyal to a cause... Certainly not to Voldemort's cause, but not exactly to Dumbledore's either... He was only loyal to _people_. I still don't know his entire opinion on the whole affair. It's a rather unique thing."

"I see." I crossed my arms. "So he was loyal to Lucius."

"Among others, yes."

"Aha. And... Now he's getting depressed because Lucius is dead."

"Basically. Fresh wounds, and all."

"It's been a year, about."

"So? Wouldn't you get depressed if someone reminded you of Blaise?"

"Thanks for depressing me, asshole." Harry shook his head, standing up to remove the eggs from the frying pan.

"You see?" He started devouring them. "Anyway, I have to go to work. Auror in training, and all."

"You _know_ you never do anything important," I reminded him. He just shrugged and, shoving an entire egg in his mouth, disapparated. I looked out into the backyard again and, deciding that I was starting to get hungry, made myself some oatmeal. After I'd finished, I got dressed and took a walk to the park. I swung on the swings a bit, then played on the monkey bars. It was basically deserted, since most families had probably gone off to the beach.

I didn't come home until after dark, at which point I said a quick hello to Mum and went straight to sleep. I woke up early again the next day, which was very irritating, and went into the kitchen for breakfast. Mum and Dad were both there, and it was a bit of a relief to finally see them together.

Dad was opening his morning mail, a frown on his usually cheerful face, while I sifted through the pile to check for any letters addressed to me. As I got to the bottom, I caught a glimpse of spidery handwriting before Dad snatched the letter away, giving me a worried glance before he tore the envelope open. I could have sworn... But no... No, it couldn't be. I was mistaken.

I turned back to my mail; I was reading a letter from Ginny, giving the details about spending a week at the burrow some time over the summer. I'm sure Dad would let me go; after all, he absolutely adores the entire Weasley family. I was immersed in another letter, this one from Colin, when Dad suddenly did something rather out of character for him. He cursed.

"God _dammit!_" He slammed the letter he'd received on the table, looking irritated.

"_Nathanyel!_" Mum scolded. "Watch your language at the table." Dad ignored her, standing up and scrunching the letter up in a tight grip, pacing.

"Bugger!"

"Nathanyel!"

"Shut it!" he snapped. "I'm not in the mood!" Uh oh. Fighting.

"_You're_ not in the mood?" Mum sounded really angry. "_You're not in the mood?_" I sensed oncoming shrieking. "Don't tell me _you're_ not in the mood, Nathanyel!" And there it is. "_I'm_ the one working my _ass_ off, trying to keep this house in order, and all _you_ ever do is run out to that- that _job_ of yours, that you won't even _tell_ us about, and come home to _laze about_ and fold paper!" She was red in the face and obviously having trouble keeping her frustration in check.

Dad slowly halted his pacing, his eyes locked on her, and from the look on his face I thought he might hex her to next week. However, he instead turned to me, and leaned over, giving me a tired smile and a kiss on the cheek. "I have to go, love. Don't want to be late for work. Have a good day." I stared at him.

"Er... Bye, Dad."

"I love you." He gave me a tight hug.

"Love you, too, Dad." Then, he turned back to Mum, inclining his head toward her in a polite, but distant manner.

"Good day, Madame." And then he disapparated. Mum tightened her lips a bit, then sighed and turned to me.

"Well, get dressed, Nadia. We're going to go out and find you a job, today." As you can guess, my day was complete and total torture. We went to a number of different places, all of which I had no desire to work at. I finally persuaded Mum to let me go look around Diagon Alley, so I apparated over there. I'd meant to land outside Ollivander's, but I ended up at Florean Fortescue's, instead. Well, my apparition had always needed a bit of practice.

Anyway, I applied at a few places over there, and went to see if there were any openings at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, which there weren't. But I bought a few canary creams for Dad while I was there, and I got to see the twins again... And come to the understanding as I never had before, that their relationship is _truly_ special. They're extremely close... If you get my meaning.

I got home by dinner time, but Dad wasn't home from work yet (of course) so it was just me and Mum. That was a real treat, I tell you. All she could do was nag me about going to wizarding school and learning a bunch of "useless hocus pocus." Sometimes she really irritates me to no end.

The next morning, Dad was in a bad mood again (though it didn't stop him from weaving a daisy chan and placing it on his head.) I seriously think it has something to do with the post. He was completely silent, and there seemed to be a tense feeling in the air, like a balloon about to burst. And then it did.

"Eek!" Mum shrieked as an owl flew through the open window and landed on the kitchen table, disturbing our breakfast. It immediately held its leg out to Dad, who took the letter from it and fed it some bacon. After receiving the treat, the owl took flight again, and Dad opened the letter, reading it impassively as he adjusted the daisy chain atop his head. I watched as his expression morphed from apathetic, to disbelieving, to utterly enraged.

"BLOODY HELL!!" he roared, jumping out of his chair and slamming his fist on the table, causing the dishes and silverware to shake.

"_Nathanyel!!_" Mum exclaimed, horrified at his language. He didn't answer her; instead, he apparated with a loud crack, the letter still held tightly in his fist.

"Well, that was interesting," I commented.

"Ooh, that _man!_" Mum growled, practically jumping out of her seat. "I just can't deal with this, I can't!"

"Are we doing anything today?" I asked, ignoring her rage.

"We're visiting Uncle Kristo!" she snapped. "So get ready!"

"You _know_ he won't be up at this hour," I replied, finishing off my cereal.

"All the more reason to pay him a visit!"

"Alright, alright... Sheesh, someone needs some valium."

"Go!" So, off we went to visit my alcoholic, bee-keeping priest of an uncle. He lived within walking distance, so Mum and I had plenty of time to be awkwardly silent as we made our way over to his shithole- I mean, house. Sorry, I know that's mean... But it's true. He has his own place, since he was kicked out of the rectory for disorderly conduct... Really, he's a good guy, though. At least, he would be if he got his act together.

Mum rang the doorbell about three times before there was any kind of response. We heard someone moving about for a bit, then a thud, immediately followed by a proclamation along the lines of, "MOTHER!!" and finally, the lock clicked and the door swung open.

There stood Uncle Kristo in a ratty old dressing gown, his dark hair disheveled, his face unshaven, and his eyes bleary and bloodshot. "You've been drinking again," Mum immediately accused.

"Yes," he admitted slowly. "...I just couldn't keep my hands off the sacramental wine."

"Alright, let us in," she ordered, practically shoving him aside. "This place is a dump." She says that every time we're there, of course. "I'm going to cook you some real food, and _you_ are going to clean up. Nadia, help him." With that, she disappeared into the kitchen.

I looked around at the living room, feeling rather dismal at the thought of cleaning it. The whole house smelled of liquor, smoke, and the faint sweetness of honey, while the carpet was brown. This was a bad thing, because it used to be white. Everything was threadbare or worse, and there were cigarette butts, empty bottles and cans, and dirty magazines strewn haphazardly around the place. Not to mention all the mysterious stains... Most of them were from vomit, but some were questionable. Speaking of vomit, Uncle Kristo reeked of it.

"Nadia! It's so good to see you!" He moved in for a hug, but I stepped back.

"Don't touch me. You've been vomiting, and I can tell you haven't cleaned up." He looked rather sheepish at that.

"Well, I would have if you hadn't interrupted me." He cast a dubious look in the direction of the kitchen. "What's her problem, anyway?"

"Dad's been acting stranger than usual. He seems rather angry."

"Ah." Scratching himself in a place I didn't care to look at, he headed for the bedroom. "I'll go get dressed, then." With a long-suffering sigh, I grabbed the empty waste bin that was sitting by the door and went about collecting bottles. I wasn't even going to _think_ about touching those magazines. Eventually, Uncle Kristo came out to help me; he smelled _much_ better, and didn't look so bleary-eyed, but he still hadn't shaved.

"Dad replenished your stock of sobering potions?" I asked.

"And hang-over remedies," he informed me. "_Very_ useful." He started gathering up the adult magazines, pausing every once in a while to cock an eyebrow at the centerfold.

"You're such a dirty old man," I grumbled.

"Hey!" he protested. "I'm only... What was it... Thirty-five! And, if I do say so myself, I'm not too bad on the eyes, either." Well, that was technically true. After all, the female parishioners were always hitting on him; he never protested to _that_, of course, the lech.

"You're still dirty," I replied, nudging an issue of _Hustler_ out of the way with my shoe to get a beer can. "Oh, gross, it's _wet_."

"Oops." He picked the thing up between his thumb and forefinger and sniffed at it. "Oh, don't worry, that's just beer."

"Like I believe you."

"Now is that any way to speak to your godfather?"

"Yes." I dropped the last empty bottle into the waste basket and pulled out my wand. "_Especially_ when I'm cleaning up after him. _Evanesco_."

"I'm not the one who told you to do that." He walked off with the stack of magazine, apparently intending to store them in a safe place, while I tried to think of a spell to easily clean the rest of the room. Finally, I came up with one, and performed it rather rigorously. I had to use it four time before the room even came close to looking clean. "Wow, this place looks great!"

"It should," I muttered, checking to see if my wand had been over-worked. "Anyway, let's go eat." Mum had managed to clean the kitchen without magic better than I'd cleaned the living room with it, and had a stack of sandwiches laid out with a pitcher full of water.

"I'd have put out juice," Mum informed us stiffly, "but the only thing to drink was beer, brandy, and whiskey."

"Argh, then I'm out of vodka," Uncle Kristo sighed, sitting down. Lunch was spent with Mum incessantly nagging, while Uncle Kristo interjected with commentary of a degrading and slightly sexual nature. Mum hit him an awful lot. Finally, she ran off to clean the bedroom, leaving us alone for some quality time together.

"So."

"I made you some raspberry honey. I know how much you like it." He grinned.

"Oh." I blinked, a bit surprised. "Thanks."

"So tell me about this Severus bloke you've got a boner for."

"Oh, for Christ's sake! Does _everyone_ know!?"

"Don't take the fucking Lord's name in vain," he scolded. "And yes, everyone knows. Well, except for Miriam. She'd probably have an aneurysm on the spot."

"Right."

"Mostly because, unlike me, she's met Severus."

"Yes, I think I remember him mentioning at some point that he hates her."

"She hates him, too." He let out a long yawn. "A lot."

"I don't blame her," I muttered.

"Oh, don't say that. You want to bone him, don't you?"

"God, can you stop using that terminology?"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to take the Lord's name in vain?" I rolled my eyes. "And fine. You're madly and passionately in love with him."

"Yeah, so it seems."

"Then go fuck him." He got up and took a beer from the refrigerator. "Want a drink?"

"No thanks." He shrugged and returned to the table. "Anyway, how am I supposed to 'go fuck him,' as you do delicately stated?"

"Well, Nathanyel knows where he lives. So just get on over there, and... I dunno... Say, 'Listen up, guy, I want your dick in my cooch now, or else.' You know, that kind of thing."

"You're a really bad role model, you know that?"

"Yes. So, are you gonna go do him, or what?" I groaned, frustrated.

"No! It's a lot more complicated than that!"

"I don't see how. I mean, what's so complicated about going over there and jumping his bones, anyway?"

"How can you talk like that? I'm your _niece_."

"So? Doesn't mean you can't bone a guy or two. Which, if my source is correct, you already have." I flushed a bit. That was only Blaise!

"Well... Alright, so I want to fuck his brains out! We don't need to discuss it!"

"If you insist," he replied airily.

"...Did you ever have sex, before you joined the priesthood?"

"Hell, yes!" Well... It certainly wasn't a surprise. "I mean... Well, I had a girlfriend."

"So why'd you become a priest?" He just shrugged.

"Hey, let's go see what your Mum's up to in there." He always changes the subject when I ask him why he became a priest... Oh well.

"She's probably been swallowed by something that was growing under the bed," I replied. "You're such a slob."

"Well... _You're_ a flaming booty moth."

"Hey, that's Dad's favorite band."

After the visit to Uncle Kristo's place, we went home and had a little girl's night. We ordered out and rented a chick flick, having a huge tear fest at the sad parts. It was nice to have some quality time with my Mum, since she's always so busy. She always feels the overwhelming (yet unnecessary) need to take care of everyone she comes across, so she's usually fussing about one thing or another. Actually, over the next couple of days I had a lot of time to hang out with both Mum and Dad. It was pretty nice. Of course, they fought a lot more than usual when they were around each other, but I thought it was nothing to worry about. Until, of course, things took a turn for the worse.

I woke up, yawned loudly, and turned to look at the clock. It read two... In the morning... I soon discovered what had woken me up, as voices drifted down the hall and through my open bedroom doorway. Screaming. It was just loud enough to cause a disturbance while remaining indistinct; I struggled to make out words from the muffled noise, but to no avail. I was rather put off, though. Mum and Dad were screaming at each other. And... I'd never heard Dad scream before. Not like that, at least. And certainly not at Mum. I sat up, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, anyway.

There was a door slamming, and then stomping footsteps through the hallway, while Mum sounded like she was sobbing loudly in the master bedroom. I had a rather bad feeling about it, actually. Then, the footsteps stopped and backtracked, and Dad was standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," I muttered. "None of my business anyway."

"I'll be back around the afternoon. Don't worry, okay?"

"I'll try not to." He nodded once.

"You just get some sleep." And then he walked off. I listened to the front door open and close, then the crunching of shoes on the gravel in the driveway, and the sound of the car starting up... And leaving. I knew it must have been bad if he was taking the car out.

After a few minutes of sitting and staring blankly at the wall, I decided to get up, and headed into the master bedroom. Mum was sitting on the floor, fanning herself with her hand and wiping her face with a tissue. "Oh! Nadia! I didn't know you were awake." She sniffed loudly.

"Are you alright, Mum?"

"Never better!" she cried shrilly. "Don't you worry about a thing!" I didn't believe her, of course. The floor was littered with crumpled up tissues and... Strange-looking pills.

"What are those pills there?"

"Nothing!" She replied, starting to gather them up. I felt sick for a moment, thinking the worst- that maybe old habits die hard- before I caught sight of the empty pill bottle on the floor. I picked it up before Mum had a chance to snatch it away and read the label.

"...Tranquilizers?" I whispered. She let out another sniff.

"I'm sorry, Nadia, but the doctor recommended them! And Nathanyel won't take them and he keeps screaming at me and I- I don't know what to do!"

"Dad isn't some sort of mental patient," I murmured, sinking onto the floor with her. "He's just strange, that's all."

"He's being so unreasonable! The doctor's been trying to give him medication for years-"

"You never told me that," I interrupted.

"I _know_, we didn't want to worry you! I- I'm worried, I'm just not sure anymore..."

"Not sure?" I repeated vaguely.

"Sometimes, Nadia, people- grow apart."

"I'm not listening to this," I replied instantly, standing up.

"Oh, don't be like this."

"It's late. I need to sleep. You need to sleep. We need sleep." Then, I went to sleep. But... Well, I couldn't get to sleep. Not until six in the morning, that is.

I woke up at four in the afternoon, and decided that maybe a late lunch would improve my mood and get rid of that tight, ominous feeling in my stomach. When I entered the kitchen, surprisingly enough, Dad was there. "Hello, Nadia," he greeted. He was sitting at the table, sharing a huge bar of chocolate with Sweetheart.

"You're not at work?" I asked, taking a seat next to him.

"I thought I'd leave early. I wanted to see you." He smiled warmly at me, and I felt another foreboding lurch in my stomach.

"That's nice." Just then, Mum walked in. She and Dad stared at each other for a long time, while I wondered if I should leave. At long last, Mum let out a long sigh and walked across the room. Dad frowned a bit and took a bite out of his chocolate bar.

"Nathanyel!" Mum exclaimed, catching sight of the chocolate and trying to take it away. "You can't eat that, it'll make you hyperactive!"

"Away, wench!" There was a deafening silence in the kitchen. Dad sullenly popped another piece of chocolate into his mouth, glaring at Mum. Then, she turned to me.

"Nadia, give me a hand with your father." Dad was giving me pleading looks from behind her back, glancing towards her and then signing that she was batty.

"Er..." I teetered on indecision. Exasperated, Mum let out a sigh and turned back to Dad, her hands on her hips. He only glared at her. Suddenly, with speed and precision I've only seen in a seeker, her hand shot out and she snatched the chocolate from his hands, then chucked it in the garbage pail. He stared, apparently still in shock, at the garbage pail, then at Mum.

"Nathanyel, every single time I tell you to do something, you flat out refuse! I'm only doing these things for your own good, and it would be nice to have a little cooperation."

"If I am responsible enough to provide for this family," he replied tersely, "then one would _think_ that I'm responsible enough to eat a bloody bar of chocolate."

"_Language_, Nathanyel!" He stood, pushing his chair in.

"If you want to nag someone, then call up your whore of a sister," he snapped.

"_Nathanyel!_" Her voice was nearly at a screech. With a snort he left the room.

"Harpy," I heard him mutter under his breath as he walked away.

"Well!" she huffed, speechless for a few moments. For once. Then she turned to me, frowning deeply. "You could have given me a hand, Nadia!" she scolded.

"Frankly, I'm rather glad I didn't," I replied, crossing my arms. After all, Dad loved his sweets and Mum was being completely unfair; she hadn't treated him right since I'd gotten home, in fact. "You treat him horribly." She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally finding the words to answer.

"Have you seen the way he acts?" she shrilled. "Cursing at dinner, throwing fits over those- those _letters!_ Who knows where they're from? What if- what if someone's taking advantage of him, hm? And- and the other night- I'm sure you heard it- he was _screaming_, Nadia, _screaming_ at me!" I kept my arms crossed and my gaze even.

"You were trying to give him tranquilizers," I replied quietly.

"He needs them!" she retorted. "You've seen his moods lately!"

"And I can only guess why!" I shouted back.

"_Nadia!_" I ignored my mother's scolding and left the kitchen. I walked very quickly, and locked myself up in the Origami Room as soon as I reached it, using magic, of course. Dad was there, sitting in a paper chair and folding something.

"Hi, Dad," I murmured, moving to a chair next to him and sitting down. He sighed heavily, then looked up at me with glittering eyes.

"Sometimes people are like birds, Nadia," he replied softly, sounding utterly sincere. I wondered if this was going to be another crazy lecture that made no sense. "You can't keep people in cages," he continued, his voice barely above a whisper as he continued to fold. He just looked so... Tired. Then, he finished and held out a little green paper crane for me to see. "Even if they seem too fragile to let go of..." He gently tugged at the tail and made the wings flap. "They need to be free. Like birds. They need to fly on their own, even if it seems as though they might fall." As he spoke, he tossed the crane into the air. As I watched it fall, he pulled out his wand and gave it a wave. Just before the crane hit the floor, it came to life and flew back up into the air, soaring gracefully around the room. "You just need to have faith. Things work out in strange ways, sometimes. That's how life is." He watched as the crane landed on a desk across the room and preened itself. "Do you understand?"

"...I ...suppose..." I trailed off as I watched him rub his eyes, sliding down in his chair.

"Hm..." I bit my lip.

"I understand."

"Really?" He sounded melancholy, as if he wasn't actually wondering.

"Yes."

"...Good." He looked into the fireplace, where a small, magically controlled fire was burning. "...That's good." We sat in relative silence for a bit, before I spoke up.

"Dad... Are you and Mum... Having a lot of trouble?" He took a deep breath and bit his lip, gripping the arms of his chair a bit tighter.

"Lately, a bit more than usual. Don't worry about it." I nodded a bit, and he paused before changing the subject. "So, still in love with Severus, then?"

"Yes."

"That's good." I couldn't take it any longer.

"What's so good about it?!?" I burst out, throwing my hands in the air. "Unrequited love! Oh, wow, that's _great!_ I'll break out my best tea set!"

"Nadia," he replied gently, "remember what I said." He motioned towards the crane, which was still lazing about on the desk. "Just don't you worry. These things have a way of working out." He took my hand and squeezed it. "You'll be alright."

"All you keep saying is not to worry. I can't help it!" He smiled a bit, though it was a rather sad smile.

"You get that from you mother, I suppose. Well, try to keep yourself occupied. I promise, you haven't seen the last of Severus." He stood up and kissed me on the forehead, then quietly exited the room. I blinked a bit, wondering what he meant, and if he was actually right. And, if so... How did he know? It was all just confusing me. I stayed inside the room for at least another thirty minutes, staring into the fire and watching the crane every once in a while.

The next day was almost like a form of torture. There was nothing to do, my latest job application hadn't gone through, and it was raining rather heavily. And, on top of it all, as I stared out at the pounding rain, all I could think of was Severus Snape. The way his hair fell in his face, the way his ears turned ever so slightly red when he was embarrassed, the way he pursed his lips when he was irritated, the way his eyelids had drooped just before he kissed me...

"Someone hasn't taken my advice," Dad commented lightly, plopping down on the window seat next to me and looking out at the yard. "Still sulking and worrying, I see." I didn't answer; I just kept staring out the window. "Well, it'll just be you and me today. Your mum's visiting her sister- ahem-whore-ahermhmm... Sorry, had a tickle in my throat..." I made no response; I didn't even crack a smile. There was silence for a bit, then he gently placed a hand on my shoulder. "Nadia," he said kindly in a soft voice, "if there's anyone I know, it's Severus. He may be an idiot about these things, he may be afraid of anything bordering romantic, he may have an inferiority complex, and he may have issues with his sexuality- but- wait, what was I talking about again?" I sighed, finally responding.

"It's okay, Dad. I'll get over it." I didn't even believe myself.

"I certainly hope not," he replied enigmatically, "because it would be a shame if you got over him before he had a chance to sweep you off your feet." He gave me a small, lopsided grin, and I returned it with a half-hearted smile.

"Fat chance." I leaned over against him and brushed some hair out of my face. He responded with a warm hug, and rubbed my back.

"Nadia, you know I hate to see you like this," he whispered. "So let me tell you something right now- I fully intend to walk you down the aisle someday. And I fully intend to give you away to Severus. No one else." That was kind of... creepy.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"Because you love him." He gently kissed me on the top of my head.

"You're so weird."

"Not as weird as Severus."

"What makes him so weird?" I asked listlessly.

"Because he spends most of the year living in a dungeon," he responded. "And wasting precious time that he _could_ be spending with you."

"You really _are_ weird, Dad."

"At least it runs in the family." We sat in thoughtful silence for a bit. I felt like I should tell him something, but... Yes, I should tell him about the kiss. I'm sure he won't mind.

"...Dad?"

"Hm?"

"He kissed me, you know." Dad hesitated, then his mouth dropped open and he turned to me, blinking slowly. After a few moments, he managed to basically regain his composure.

"...What?"

"You know... Severus... Kissed me." The name was strangely comforting on my tongue.

"He _did?_"

"Yes."

"_Really?_"

"Yes!" A smile spread across his face, and he looked as if I'd just offered him a million galleons.

"Oh- my- Oh, _Nadia!_" He pulled me into a fierce hug, laughing. "_Wonderful!_ That's absolutely _marvelous!_ Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I didn't want you to crush me!" I wheezed.

"Too late!" Then, he let me go. "Has he contacted you, yet? Sent any letters, something like that?" I shook my head. "That bastard."

"It's alright. I didn't expect anything." He sighed.

"Well... I understand. Can't push these things, and all. So..." He glanced out the window. "It's absolutely shitty outside. What do you say we go catch a film?"

"Are you paying?"

"Absolutely."

"Then let's go."

I was in a much better mood the next day. As a matter of fact, I got out of bed as soon as I woke up. Which, for me, was quite an accomplishment. So, I got up and walked into the kitchen, only to see Dad and Remus sitting at the table. Dad was holding some sort of goop, while Remus was looking rather disgusted.

"I'm telling you, Remus, this is the good stuff." Dad held up the sopping mess for inspection.

"I'll pass, thanks." Dad just shrugged and shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

"Alright. I give up. What's going on?" They both looked around and smiled at me, which was a great feat, since it was two in the afternoon and I had just crawled out of bed. Meanwhile, I wondered why Remus Lupin was in my kitchen.

"I was in the area, so I thought I'd just... Come for a visit." I couldn't tell if he was lying, so I just took his word on it.

"Alright. What's for breakfast?"

"There is one egg in the refrigerator and some cereal crumbs and pancake mix in the cupboard. Mum's out grocery shopping; you can wait for her or help yourself." Dad concluded his narrative with a loud squelch as he continued to devour the swamp creature.

"I'm not hungry. I'll just go back to bed."

"You're not allowed. Sit." Sighing, I sat. "I refuse to feel sorry for you any longer, and you should do the same."

"Harumph."

"You know, I've always thought Severus rather liked you," Lupin... Remus said idly. Heehee. Remus.

"I _know_ he likes you," Dad added.

"This isn't going to turn into an unrequited love support group," I insisted stubbornly.

"You need to have more faith in my power over other people's lives," Dad sighed. "You'd be surprised, really."

"You don't have control over anyone's life," I grumbled.

"Actually," Remus interjected, "he collects life debts as a hobby."

"Yesterday was number thirty-six. High five!" Oh, good lord. They were actually doing it.

"You do _not_ have thirty-six life debts."

"Shows how much _you_ know." I rolled my eyes. "Alright, everyone who owed me a life debt, raise your hand." Reluctantly, I did so. And _Remus_ did so, too.

"That doesn't prove anything," I argues.

"It proves plenty."

"If you're saying that you're going to use a life debt to force Severus to date me, then I'm going to punch you." It feels good to say his name. "In the boob."

"No need to worry," Dad replied. "I'm leaving it _entirely_ up to him."

"Nathanyel, am I drunk, or is there a werewolf sitting at the table?" Uncle Kristo staggered into the kitchen, rubbing at his three-day growth.

"Both," Dad answered casually. "By the way, how many life debts do you owe me?"

"Two."

"That proves nothing," I groused. Uncle Kristo just shrugged, before he focused, bleary-eyed, on Remus. "Remus!"

"Kristo!" There was a short, pregnant pause, then...

"_No dogs allowed!_" Which was them. Together. Singing. I sensed that an explanation was in order.

"You two know each other?" I asked blankly.

"Yeah, Remus stayed with me a while back," Uncle Kristo yawned. "About five years ago. Speaking of which... _God_ I'm hung over. Nathanyel..."

"Fine, come on. We'll be right back." Dad got up and led him off for a hang-over remedy.

"I can't believe it!" I exclaimed the moment they'd left the room. "_He's_ the priest you seduced!?"

"I never seduced anyone!" Remus protested.

"I'll bet those were my mother's dolmades, weren't they?"

"Er... Yes." I sighed.

"You really _are_ a blasphemous vixen, aren't you?"

"I'm not, honestly. Besides, aren't you supposed to be moping?"

"Uncle Kristo's cheerful demeanor and gleaming purity produced by his devotion to the Lord filled me with faith and hope," I replied sarcastically.

"I'd say you're starting to sound like Severus, but he would be much more blunt and brief." I shrugged.

"I'm just not as courteous, I suppose."

"Praise the Lord!" Uncle Kristo returned with Dad, looking a little better.

"More like praise my potions lab," Dad muttered, sitting down with a groan. Uncle Kristo joined us at the table, taking a place next to Remus.

"By the way," he muttered as he fished around in his pocket. "Got something for my lovely goddaughter..." And he produced one of those prayer cards with a saint on it that you get for free from the church. "St. Francis of Assisi- excellent stats. He can kick your arse before you even _blink_." We have a little game going, where we treat them like those trading cards kids use for mock battles. Shut up, it's not stupid.

"Thanks, but I don't know how he'll fare against Joan of Arc."

"Pff, like Joan of Arc could beat this ultra-rare collectors' gem." Remus and Dad gave each other a "look" and shook their heads. "Which reminds me- I never sent you a birthday present, so here's ten pounds. Don't spend it all in one place."

"Thanks, Uncle Kristo. You're the most ghetto-fabulous godfather ever."

"Alright, enough Hallmark crap," Dad cut in. "So, Kristo- remember how Nadia had that love affair with Severus?"

"Shut the fuck up, Dad."

"I remember," Uncle Kristo replied, ignoring me.

"Well, neither of them saw fit to inform _me_, but- _they kissed!_"

"_No!_" Remus exclaimed incredulously.

"That's so _sweet!_" Uncle Kristo taunted, making loud, wet kissing noises.

"Shut it, the lot of you!" I growled. "It was just a kiss, and now it's over. I don't want to talk about it!"

"Fine, go ahead and shun us," he sighed.

"It's not as if we _matter_," Remus sniffed.

"We'll just go outside and sit under a raincloud," Dad finished forlornly.

"You're just a ravenous pack of children," I informed them, "and I've got better things to do than listen to you gossip about me."

"Like getting a job?" Dad suggested.

"_No_. Like watching MacGyver on channel thirty-four." Which is exactly what I did. Of course, it wasn't ten minutes through the show when all three of them came scurrying in and plopped down on either side of me. "God, you're so annoying!"

"Don't worry," Dad whispered loudly, "she's a teenager."

"And don't take the Lord's name in vain," Uncle Kristo scolded. "Jesus H. Christ, kids these days never learn."

"I'm not a 'kid,'" I informed him, "I'm an adolescent."

"What are you _watching_, anyway?" Remus asked, squinting at the television.

"I'm watching three grown men making asses of themselves."

"That's not a very nice thing to say," Dad informed me.

"Good! Now go!"

"I think Severus rubbed off on you."

"_Leave me alone!_"

"I'm changing the channel," Uncle Kristo sighed, switching the television over to the Golden Girls and singing along with the opening theme. Dad joined in.

"I'm going back to bed," I muttered, leaving. Honestly, a girl can't get a moment's peace.

"Nadia?" Dad poked his head through the doorway. I was sitting on my bed, getting ready to pass out again.

"What?"

"Sorry about pissing you off." I shrugged.

"I'm just feeling moody today."

"Well... If you're up for a trip, we're going to Diagon Alley." I glanced at him, raising an eyebrow. "Knockturn Alley, too," he admitted.

"Alright, then. I'll get ready."

"Huzzah!"

Diagon Alley was... Interesting. People kept thinking that Remus and Dad were a couple, and at one point a shop owner referred to me as Uncle Kristo's wife... I almost decked him. But I didn't, mostly because Dad held me back. Well, I suppose it _was_ a little weird, me walking around with three older men. It was fun, though. We went shopping for robes (Uncle Kristo got his money changed and bought some, too- where he'd wear them, I've no idea) then for potions ingredients in Knockturn Alley, which was followed by Dad's search for some sort of Dark Artifact. He found it in a tiny, dusty old shop in the very back of the darkened alley; it was a mirror that didn't show your reflection. I'm not sure what it was for, exactly, but he seemed happy to have it.

After our foray into Knockturn Alley, we went to Florean Fortescue's for some ice cream and, surprisingly enough, ran into Millicent Bulstrode. I'd hung out with her in school a lot (hey, I was in with the Slytherin crowd) but I hadn't really seen her after she left. She's actually a lot smarter than she seems at first. "Hullo, Millie," Dad hummed, licking at his triple-scoop ice cream cone.

"Millicent," she corrected automatically. "And hello. Nadia." She inclined her head.

"Hey, there! Haven't seen you in a while." I paused a moment. "And how do you know my Dad?"

"She's my new apprentice," Dad replied.

"So you're going to be an Unspeakable?" I asked her.

"Yes. Is that your new boyfriend?" She's rather blunt.

"No, he's my uncle." Uncle Kristo waved to her from behind his rum raisin.

"It's good to see you again, Millicent," Remus stated mildly. "You've really been up to a lot, haven't you?" She nodded.

"I need to buy some new robes. My cousin is having a baby shower, and I need something... Bright." She shuddered.

"It's alright, Millicent," I comforted. "Just get something in green and silver."

"Yes, that should be suitable. Well... See you later."

"Bye!" We waved her off, then sat and enjoyed our ice cream. All I can say is... Thank God there's no actual alcohol in rum raisin. It was nice, though, running into Fred and George's joke shop and causing a great commotion. Uncle Kristo wanted to try out everything in the store, and eventually bought enough pranks to fill up his broom closet.

"After all," he reasoned, "you don't _need_ magic to operate magical pranks." It was actually one of the best days I'd had in a while, and I was in a very good (but tired) mood when we got home. Once there, we watched a bunch of teen movies from the eighties (including _Teen Wolf_, which was quite a surprise for Remus) and finally ended the fun by scaring Mum when she walked in the door, pretending to be burglars. Goodness, that was hilarious.

I was lying awake in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, when it happened. The momentous occasion. I had been thinking about turning on the tube and watching a late night horror movie, but then I decided against it. I would probably end up having dreams about giant flesh-eating brains, anyway. So, I continued to stare at the ceiling.

I had just started to drop off when, quite unexpectedly, there was a tapping at my window. Puzzled, I sat up and squinted through the darkness, only to see a very disgruntled looking owl fluttering about with an envelope in its beak. It didn't look like Snork, so I immediately assumed that it was from Ginny or Colin and let it in.

The owl dropped the envelope on my bed, gave a single baleful hoot, then soared back out the window. I stared after it for a bit, even more confused, then shut the window. It definitely was _not_ from Ginny or Colin.

I stared at the blank envelope, trying to glean an answer from the rough surface of the parchment. Well, more like I wondered where the hell it came from. The first thing sounded much more poetic. Whatever. It was too late to be _entirely_ poetic.

Eventually, I found that simply looking at the envelope was not quite enough to gather the information I wanted. Coming to the conclusion that the contents of the envelope were probably not dangerous, I opened it. Then, with a deep breath, I reached in and pulled out the mysterious letter. Except... It wasn't a letter.

"Hm, a feather," I thought as I felt the familiar pull of a portkey behind my navel.

* * *

Mwahaha suspense! But you'll have to wait for the epilogue to find out what happens next, suckas. So... The Flaming Booty Moths was a suggestion from VivaciousValerii. There you are. Anyway in the epilogue... You find out who sent the portkey. That's all I can say. It's going to be very short... And after that, the sequel, which I'm planning on calling "A Sojourn with Severus Snape." I thought I'd stick with the SSS theme. So... There ya go. Only one more installment, and then the sequel begins. 


	16. Epilogue: A Pirate's Life for Me

Well, this is it. The last installment of the SSS. It's really short... About four pages, I think. But epilogues are allowed to be short, so there. Sniff. I can't believe it's done. I never finish stories this long! Whee! By the way, the sequel, A Sojourn with Severus Snape, will be posted in Astronomy Tower. Klee-Babe: Sorry, Olivia's old news for Sev. He's a regular playboy, you know. Hump 'em and dump 'em, that's his motto! Haha... Ha... Right.  
  
Last chapter's reference to people thinking Nadia was Kristo's wife was drawn from my own experience of a jewelry salesperson thinking I was my Dad's wife. When I was fifteen. EWWW!! And btw, Harry's going to show up some more in the sequel, and in the very first chapter you'll all find out 1: Why Harry and Draco showed up at Nadia's house and 2: Who Draco left Remus for. Remus wasn't too pleased to find out, I'll tell yah... ;) But you won't know any of that if you don't read the author's notes, now will you? MWAHAHA!  
  
Disclaimer: My name is J.K. Rowling. You stole my Potter. Prepare to die.

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**Epilogue: A Pirate's Life for Me**

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I took a moment to stare incredulously at the portkey before I dropped it and turned my continuously (and extremely) incredulous attention to my surroundings. I was in a low-lit room with hardwood floors, mahogany furniture, and a four poster bed with the headboard set against the far wall. The walls were papered in some old-fashioned, dark green design, and the window curtains and bed curtains matched the color. There was a fireplace on the right-hand wall with a low fire lit in it, and a door on the left hand that presumably led to the bathroom, since it was open a bit and I could make out the shape of a toilet from where I stood. Which meant that the exit was behind me. I jumped when I heard someone knocking and whirled around to see... To see...

"Professor?" He was absolutely gorgeous, leaning against the doorjamb in a white button down shirt and black trousers. And his shirt was untucked. So sexy. "Er... Am I in trouble?"

"Not quite." He quirked an eyebrow, as if he wanted me to just figure it out. Which I did. But... That couldn't be right.

"...Look at you. Trying to be a regular Casanova, huh?" I had to make a comment. It was just too funny.

"That was the basic idea," he informed me, sighing as he stood upright. "Another failed endeavor, that is."

"Is this _your_ bedroom?" I finally asked. I wanted to make sure.

"Of course it is. Don't be such a Gryffindor." He was standing there with his arms folded, surveying me in a calculating way.

"Am I going to get to see your mansword?" And there was that look he got whenever I pulled a task on him.

"Yes," he sighed, sounding frustrated.

"And you're sure this isn't a dream?" I had to check.

"Pinch yourself," he growled, scowling.

"I'm really bad at pinching," I grumbled. Then I got another idea; I walked up to the wall, and hit my head against it. "Ack!" Definitely not a dream. "Ow, ow, ow!" Definitely.

"You're unbelievable," I heard him grouse from behind me. "Are you _trying_ to get a concussion?"

"I'm fine, thanks," I shot back. Honestly, the man just can't give me a break, even when I'm getting one.

"Hmph. Ten points from Ravenclaw." Hands on my shoulders, yum.

"I'd prefer a detention." Wink, wink.

"If you insist." Then there was a long silence. And just... standing. Alright, I wanted some action and I wanted it immediately. So I turned around, reached forward, and grabbed his butt.

"You're really bad at seducing people," I informed him.

"And you're hurting my arse," he snarled, prying my hands away from their booty. Heehee, double entendre.

"For someone who's about to have sex, you're in an awfully bad mood."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not accustomed to women insulting me and trying to tenderize my buttocks by means of foreplay." Honestly, the complaining!

"Stop being such a yenta," I scolded, swatting him.

"I'm _not_ Jewish." He looked so... Not like someone about to have sex. And I should know, I've done it before.

"You know, sometimes I wonder about you," I grumbled.

"Wonder what, exactly?"

"If you even _enjoy_ the company of women."

"Oh, good God! Not this again!"

"I really think you might be gay sometimes, I do! Look at you! Do you even _want_ to have sex?"

"Of course I want to have sex!"

"You're not acting like it, that's for sure."

"Well maybe if you wouldn't ruin the mood-"

"_I'm_ not ruining the mood, _you_ are!"

"I most certainly am _not!_"

"Oh, yes you are! You and your Yittish complaining about every little detail-"

"I'll complain about whatever I damn well please, and you will tolerate it, because this is _my_ home, if you'll recall-"

"Yes, it would have been nice to have a little bit of warning before you whisked me away to your humble abode!"

"I thought you would have _liked_ all that romantic shit!"

"I most certainly would not! And since when is being kidnaped in the middle of the night romantic?"

"It was _not_ kidnaping! It was romanticism!"

"Since when?"

"Since the Renaissance! People do that sort of thing in plays and such all the time!"

"Oh, right, like when? Henry VIII? You're such a bullshit artist!"

"At least I'm not a stubborn cow with tiny breasts!"

"At least _my_ penis is visible to the naked eye!"

"DETENTION!" I was about to retaliate when I paused and took a moment to absorb that last remark from Sevvie-poo. And then I started laughing. "Well, I'm glad _you_ think it's so ruddy funny," he grumbled, "because at least that makes one of us." I let out another little chuckle.

"Detention. Oh, you really meant it, too. Oho. That's rich." He snorted. "Come here." I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him forward, giving him a soft little kiss on the mouth.

"Hmph," he persisted.

"What, am I going to sleep on the couch now?" I kissed him again. "Are you going to divorce me? Leave me for a younger woman?"

"Alright, alright," he finally groaned. "Enough."

"Okay, are you ready for some hot action from the luuuuurve machine?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

"No." I rolled my eyes.

"It was a _joke_."

"This is _sex_. It's no joking matter." Alright, I couldn't help but laugh at that. And... He was laughing, too. A little. Well, for him, at least. I think. Then, he paused, stepping away and observing me neutrally, one eyebrow slightly raised. He seemed to be waiting for something... Oh. His cue. So, I gave it to him.

"Well? What the fuck are you waiting for, asshole?" This, surprisingly, seemed as if it had been the right thing to say. A bark of laughter and a swish of clothing later, and we were on the bed. We were on the bed _all_ night.

Oh, and I was right. He _is_ a wonderful lover.

Except, I think I might have disrupted things a little when I accidentally knocked him off the bed. And when I fell off the bed, myself. And when I rolled over and kneed him in the naughty bits (though that was after the sweet, sweet loving, thank God.) And I know that I definitely ruined the mood when I spanked him and called him "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore."

...Well, some of us like to get creative in bed. I can't help it if certain _partners_ don't appreciate my talent with words. Though, it was one hell of an afterglow. I don't think I've ever felt so content in my life. I was simply lying there, in his arms. Oh, sigh.

"This is completely and utterly ridiculous," Professor Severus Snape, lover extraordinaire, grumbled irritably. I could tell, though, that deep down... He really did like cuddling. It was just far too apparent.

"Says who?" I yawned loudly.

"Me, of course. And, equally predictable, I am right."

"As always."

"Yes, as always." He sighed and grunted a bit as I poked him in the ribs. "Don't do that. Insolent girl." I suppressed a laugh and shuffled closer to him, resting my head on his chest. "And just what do you think you're doing?"

"You've got eyes, take a look." I yawned again.

"Oh?" I nodded. "And what do you think you're going to do?" I thought a moment.

"Tell you a story." This time, his reply sounded rather wary.

"What kind of story?" I stifled another yawn.

"A rip-roaring tale of pirates and their big gay love." I heard a groan from him. "Oh, come now. I think you'll enjoy the tale of Booker and Daley."

"I've got a feeling that I've already heard it."

"Well, then, bear with me." He didn't, though. He was snoring within minutes, and I resolved to brew a decongestant potion for him. Well, that, or get those strips you put over your nose. In the meantime, I just settled for a silencing charm and made myself comfortable. I think I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the company of the enticing potions master. I'll just have to wait and see.

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Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.

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Well, that's it. It's... Over. Done. Through. No more Seduction of Severus Snape. Sniff. However, the sequel's going up next, so keep an eye out for that. A Sojourn with Severus Snape. Look for it on ff.net and Astronomy Tower! Heehee! Long lost relatives, surprising revelations, and mooching to the extreme. Plus, you know... Lots of sex. It will be rated R, so if you object to R rated fics... Too bad for you, SUCKA!  
  
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed over the past nine months, you've all been so helpful and encouraging. I love you!!! And a special thanks to VivaciousValerii, without whom I never would have finished this. Or even gotten past chapter two. Whoopee! Well, I haven't got time to sit around and thank you people all day. I've got a sequel to write!


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